Stepping into the Unknown

In a mere 23 days, I'll be doing just that, stepping into the unknown. Leaving what I know here in Arizona and meeting the unknown somewhere between here and Indiana. I've always been a planner. I know ultimately, that God's plans are very different than mine, but I still like to plan. I like to know what's going on, be prepared for any situation (that I'm aware of). I think it goes along with my type A personality and my OCD.

I'm leaving my job of 10 years and although the government hasn't been too stable recently, it's provided stability to me. I've survived 2 layoffs and now I'm willingly leaving my position and my health insurance. I am leaving without a job and I won't have health insurance for the time being. No paycheck coming on a two week cycle. No source of income at all.

I'm leaving the city I know like the back of my hand. Me and the East Valley are very good friend's and I'm familiar with various driving routes, where my bank is, where to get the good deals in my local grocery store. The city I live in is massive with everything I want within a short drive. Heading to a place in Indiana, I'm not familiar with at all. I can't tell you how many times I've called my dad asking questions about things and how far a certain city is from him. I'm sure I'm driving him crazy. :)

I am leaving my little apartment that I love. The place I come to when I need to escape, my own place. I am leaving my bed behind. I know it's a material thing, but that is my comfort place. I curl up with the blanket and cover my head waiting for my world to get better. During the bad times of depression, laying in it  reminds me to breath and that God is in control. Many tears have been shed in that bed over various things. I'll be moving in with my father, which will be odd. I've never lived with him before except when I was a baby. I would see him in the summers, but that was different. Living in a place where privacy will be little to none. I might have to leave the house and go somewhere to escape my world.

I'm leaving my friends. These people who know me best and put up with me when I'm being a total pain and somehow continue to love anyways. Many friendships have been formed and lost, but a few stuck it out with me.A lot of them have provided me with accountability in my Christian walk. I have friends in Indiana, one I'm close to, but she will be far away. Meeting new people  is fine, but it's the whole figuring out if I can trust someone new or not. I won't have a strong sense of accountability in my Christian walk right away.

I'm leaving my church that I love, the familiar faces of my three years olds along with their personalities. A church that makes one of their mission goals to speak for children who can't speak for themselves, which is my heart as well. I haven't really explored churches online, so I don't know where I'm going to attend. I know the churches back there will not be like the churches back in AZ.

There's so much I'm leaving.

And it's all pretty...scary.

So scary sometimes, I give myself a panic attack. I am not regretting this decision, nor changing my mind. But I have the right to be scared of the unknown. I think everyone would, it's a BIG change and I'm doing this on my own. I know in my heart, that God wants this for me as well. All of the details are falling into place, piece by piece, clarifying more every day I'm on the right path. I still stress about it sometimes. I think God gets a lot of laughs when it comes to me. I am always stressing, HE ALWAYS PROVIDES. Then I wonder why I stressed in the first place. I'm really excited about it all as well, I'm literally starting a new chapter in my book of life.

But through it all, I know God is bigger than the unknown or as I like to say God is bigger than the boogeyman. :) God will provide and He will take care of me like He always has. I pray I never blink an eye and I don't miss anything He has in store for me on my new journey. I want to take it all in, the sights, the smells, the sounds, the good, the bad, everything.

Home is Where the Heart Is

You know that saying "Home is where the heart is?" That is something that has been on my heart for a good six months or so now. The part I struggle with is the "home" part. It has taken me a long time to get a "home" feeling here in AZ. And that's only happened in the past few years because of Kristine and her family taking me in.

What does home mean exactly? I'm not talking about the building structure, I'm talking about the feeling of home. Home is where you are most comfortable. Home is where you can be yourself. Home is where everyone loves you, no matter your faults. Home is what you long for when your world is falling apart. People, sounds, scents, food, etc., all remind us of home. Home can also be somewhere your roots have started, for me that place is Indiana. I've always referred to Indiana as my home, even though I've been away from there for 13 years now. My roots never fully got planted here and for the longest time I've wanted to leave Arizona. But my home is here, here with my new found family. It's a struggle I am having.

Something that I've learned as I got older is the importance of family. After my grandma died, a lot of my family went their separate ways, and we all lost that unity that most families have. I've spent the past 10 years searching for that feeling of home and that feeling of family again here in AZ. I caused a lot of issues with pushing people away from me, not allowing them to love me. A lot of my searching was my fault, I was like a little butterfly, fluttering from one family to another, hoping to find acceptance and love that I once felt. I got my heart broke and my expectations trashed too many times to count. Then the Yee family came along and I tried to fight them and push them away as well. All I was doing was causing myself more misery. I finally stopped being such a pain and let my walls break down. They showed me what it was to be family, even if they weren't blood. But somewhere along the way, my heart began to change for my own family.

I began to see how much I desperately wanted to be near my family in Indiana. Going back in July just made that more clear. I felt a yearning that was very unfamiliar, a feeling to be near my dad. For most of my life, he has lived in Florida. Now he's back in Indiana and I can't explain the need to just be near him. Maybe it's because he's the only parent I have left, or maybe it's because of his health. But maybe, just maybe it's to have the relationship with him I've never really had.

With that being said, I'm planning on moving back to Indiana in the summer if I can find a job. I am content with that decision and I feel like God knows how much my heart needs this. As I write this blog, I'm in tears. I'm not very good with change and the thought of leaving my "comfort" zone scares the crap out of me. I am okay with moving back to Indiana, just scared about the before stuff. I'm scared of losing the strong non-blood family I just barely let into my life.  But I know God will strengthen the bonds of friendship and love with Kristine and her family. I will ever be eternally grateful to God for bringing them into my life. And He will also strengthen the bonds of love within my family.

Family is important, they don't always have to be blood related to be a family. It's where ever you feel at home. I know Indiana is where I belong, the feelings of home in all senses are there and they are strong. But I have them in Arizona as well. A person can have two homes, right?

"Where we love is home, home that our feet may leave, but not our hearts."

~Oliver Wendell Holmes

Goodbye...

Goodbye sirens coming down my street at all hours of the day.

Goodbye lights from cop cars, fire trucks, and ambulances waking me up at night.

Goodbye NASTY downstairs neighbors with your 7 kids.

Goodbye “critters” that came along with the nasty neighbors. No matter how hard I tried to get rid of you, you refused to leave. I now believe that if the world ended, the only thing left would be cockroaches.

Goodbye kooky neighbor who always lined up the pine cones on our front wall, because you said it gave it a “decorated” feel.

Goodbye apartment management who always treated me and the rest of the complex like we were the stupidest people ever.

Goodbye maintenance who took forever to respond to our calls. Good job on patchin’ up that hole in my ceiling wall.

Goodbye scary canals riddled with gang signs and alcohol bottles.

Goodbye cathedral ceilings, although pretty to look at, you made the apartment crazy hot.

Goodbye cat vomit.

Goodbye patios that just keep getting painted over to make them look new, but are really falling apart.

Goodbye Cubs Spring Training Game traffic.


Goodbye nasty apartment complex and everything else I hated about you and goodbye Mesa! I will not miss either of you!

And hello, Gilbert!

Movin' on

Last Monday, I announced that I was ready to change my moving situation. For reasons left unsaid, I have to move to keep my sanity. If you know me, then you know the dealio. But I am excited about this new adventure that God has provided me. After much prompting from Kristine, we decided that I will move in with her for 2-3 months to save some money. God blessed her with a three bedroom house and she has affectionately called the third bedroom the "Transition room". It's a room that people can use as a temporary basis until they transition to the next change.

Not only will I be saving money, but I will also be living with one of my best friends. I am getting more and more excited about this. God is giving us another opportunity to strengthen our friendship. It will be a good situation. I am moving to Gilbert. I hope to find an apartment there or in Chandler. My life seems to revolve around the SE valley right now and I'm honestly just sick of living in the area of Mesa I am in now. It's time for a change in many ways.

With moving comes the nasty task of packing. I am already sporting battle wounds from purging, packing. I have numerous bruises on my legs and a cut from a cardboard box on my thumb. I always get wounded when I start packing, moving, etc.

I decided to get a storage bin to store everything. I was going to use a friend's shop to store things, but I just don't want to feel like a burden. I have a small storage bin, 5x5. I am only packing a few things, everything else I am getting rid of. Any furniture I have is either going with my roommate or to Goodwill. I am only keeping my bed and bookcase. So, I am purging like crazy.

I really don't have much anyways, I don't even have a vacuum cleaner. You know what that means, when I do get my own apartment...everyone is invited to a housewarming party! :)

One more thing, on a side note. I am still in counseling for whatever issues going on in my head. I have an appointment with him this morning. I do believe it might be time to move on from him as well. I really don't know why I am going today. I really have nothing bad going on in my life. Life has been great, no dark days. I'm pretty sure he is going to tell me the same thing if not today, soon! Looking back to a year ago when I really started struggling with the fact something was wrong with me, God pulled me through it all. He got me here to where I am right now, happy, grateful to be alive. He surrounded me with people who just loved me despite my many faults.

He is so good!
Have a great day everyone!

Quote of the day: "Happiness pulses with every beat of my heart." Emily Logan Decens

When you need me...

...I will be there. I value my friends very much, but the close ones are the ones I value the most. These are the people I would do anything for, no matter what they need. If a friend said they needed me, I would drop what I'm doing to be there for them. Because in reality, if I said that to one of them, they would do the same thing. And that is what friends are about, loving each other despite of our faults, be there for each other when we are reaching out for help. Yesterday, I had a friend who was text messaging me. She was at her wit's end. I talk to her every day, and we try to see each other often, but sometimes our schedules get busy and we don't see each other. But when she texts me and you can read the need for a friend in her text message, I knew she needed some girlfriend time. I made a split decision to cancel the plans I had with another dear friend to be there for this friend who was on the verge of a breakdown. I picked her up at her house and promised a night of calories. We went to Coldstone. We both had horribly good creations (Cake Batter FTW!) that our hips most certainly did not need, waffle bowls included. But we sat there eating our pieces of heaven and just talked. I love moments like those where you are with a best friend and you can be so vulnerable with someone and not have to worry about anything. I said something totally ditzy (which is totally me by the way), which made us both laugh hysterically. And even though, I said something off the wall, we both needed the laugh. Laughter, great friends, Coldstone, and deep conversations. It really does not get any better than that. *Green girly sheep*

I've started applying for jobs in Portland. Sadly with the economy, I have only applied for one. They really don't have a lot of jobs available. I will just have to faithfully keep checking the websites on a weekly basis. I applied for the Medicaid program in Oregon. I figured I might as well try there since I'm qualified for the position. They aren't really hiring right now, though. It's just an open continuous position that is posted, which means they are collecting applications until they have a vacancy. This week, I'm applying for the Housing Authority. I have to fax the application and resume on Thursday. I've bookmarked numerous sites, spent a good three hours on the web looking at jobs, only came up with the Housing Authority job. I'm trying to stay with the government. I am willing to change agencies in the government, even go from state to county, etc. But the jobs just aren't there. There are a lot of positions for nurses, but of course that's not me. I shall continue my search.

Hey, the economy is tight right now and I've become an absolute frugal gal all of a sudden. Here are some sites I found that list deals and some freebie stuff. I have been meaning to put this stuff into a blog forever, just haven't had the time.

1. I have found that if you go to a website of a brand you like (clothes, food, restaurants, grocery stores, etc) and sign up for their newsletter, they will sometimes send you coupons on the things you love. :) If you don't want your email box cluttered with all the mail, then simply open up another email account for the newsletters.

2. I had so much free food coupons for my birthday, I didn't know what to do with myself. The great thing about this, is companies will usually send your birthday coupon about a week before your big day and they usually expire a week after your birthday. Go to Google and type in "free stuff birthday".

3. Frugal Coupon Mom is a site I just discovered yesterday on Dr. Phil. She lists different coupons for sites, secret sales, etc. She has a Feedburner and you can easily subscribe and have the deals delivered right to your email.

4. Hey It's Free! is another site. Seriously, free stuff is the best way to go. They also have a place to sign up for newsletter.

4. The Bargainist is a discounted site that list various companies with deals. Newletter link provided as well!

5. Cheap Stingy Bargains is another great site. I get all these emails sent to me and I thoroughly enjoy reading them and taking advantage of deals when I can. You can sign up there as well. I'm more for the newsletters, if I have to actually come to the site, I will forget.

6. Freecyle is a good site to obtain free stuff. You can find stuff or post stuff to give away. Everything is free, you can not sell stuff here. However, sometimes you find something someone is giving away that is in pretty decent condition. I haven't gotten anything off of here, but I have tried. I'm not usually quick enough to respond.

7. If you receive the Sunday paper, then be sure to look in the A&E section. Every once in awhile they will advertise movie tickets free or other events. Like, I got free tickets to the Desert Botantical Gardens once. Just by looking in the section and seeing the ad.

8. If you don't mind getting some text messages, some restaurants are now sending you free things via text messages. You can find the information usually on the receipt or on the counter.

Okay, I must depart you now.

Ciao!

Bran

Quote of the day: "Make all you can, save all you can, give all you can." ~Wesley

P.S. Thank you for all of your comments on my last post. Seriously, I'm ever grateful to you that I opened up my soul, just a small smidge, and you all made me feel loved. :D

Is it really Christmas time?

It is 11 days into the month of December. The cards have been mailed. The house has been decorated. I've gone to the Mormon temple to look at the lights. Christmas music is playing on the radio. Gifts have been bought. The peppermint candle has scented our apartment. The stockings have been hung by the fireplace. The baking will begin next week. Everything around me would indicate that it's close to Christmas. Yet, I really don't feel like it's Christmas, the spirit just doesn't seem to be there. Holidays are never good for me, it's a constant reminder that my grandmother is gone. She loved the holidays and it's the time when our family came together despite our differences to celebrate.

Although her passing usually gets me down during this year, I can usually manage to get into the Christmas spirit. But, this year there seems to be something else missing. While the season of fall was approaching the rest of the nation, here in Arizona, we still struggled with temps in the 100's. It just recently cooled down. This year, more than any other year that I can remember, I yearned for fall more than anything. My heart literally hurt for cooler weather and to see the colors of the leaves changing. I never cared about fall that much back in Indiana, but every year that I lived here, I've missed fall more and more each year. Today as I hung a Christmas card I received, the thought occurred to me, could it be that since I really missed the fall season this year, that my heart is also missing a real Christmas? A real Christmas being a snow filled holiday. It doesn't snow here in Phoenix, but it snows 2 hours up north. I've seen the snow up there, but even that is nothing compared to what happens in the midwest. And if you don't live near Chicago, you'll never understand what "lake effect snow" means. As much as I hate dealing with snow, it's very pretty to look at. I guess I'm missing that this year, missing snuggling up with hot cocoa, missing the glow of Christmas lights as the snow falls gently on the ground, missing the sound of the snow crunching under my shoes, missing the scarves, hats, gloves.

The fact that I'm really missing the seasons is a prime indication that it's time to leave Arizona. We all know that I'm in the process of doing that, heading to Portland here in the next year. It's really not coming quick enough. By this time next year, I will be experiencing a real fall again. And although I won't be getting snow for Christmas next year, I will be getting rain. And I'm okay with that. It would be a change of what is in Arizona. There are other reasons as to needing to leave this state, but let's just leave it at that for now.

Anyways, I'm out like a broken Christmas bulb.

Bran

Quote of the day: "Isn't it funny that at Christmas something in you gets so lonely for - I don't know what exactly, but it's something that you don't mind so much not having at other times." ~Kate L. Bosher

Scripture of the day: "In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation." ~1 Peter 5:10

Actual update

Well, well look at this, an actual update. I really have nothing interesting to report on, but I shall torture you anyways with BULLET POINTS. Okay, okay, I won't do bullet points today to spare my friends who are not fans.

After I left class tonight, I had an epiphany as to why I might be struggling in my Anatomy and Physiology class. Our body is a whole bunch of Chemistry. And I, my friends, have yet to take Chemistry. It's still in my list of classes to take. Even touching the basis of it, I never understood any of it. So needless to say, I'm completely lost in that class. I want to be a nurse for the whole taking care of another person aspect. I can do without the chemistry part, please. I am taking it day by day, praying I don't have to take this class again, but thinking that maybe it's best that I should. Thinking maybe I should take Chemistry next semester and then retake Anatomy and Physiology. I am going to wait till the end of the semester before I make that decision.

I caught myself looking at apartments in another state yesterday. Oh, it's too soon to be doing that! But, my heart is so ready to leave it's not even funny. Someone at work said it was in my eyes. Moving is in my eyes. Just the thought of a new adventure in my life, gets me all giddy. And for those of you who don't know where I'm going, I suppose I'll tell you eventually.

This Sunday is November 2nd. A very special day in my book. And we are celebrating in an amazing way. I shall blog about it on Sunday. :)

Are you loving the randomness so far? One more random thing.....

What is love (can be any kind of love)? Is it a feeling? An emotion? Something you can't do without? Something you could do without? Something you need to get you through your day? I ponder on love frequently. I love many things, many sounds, many smells, many places, many people. I have felt loved so much my eyes well up with happy tears. I have also felt the feeling of not being loved. I have been in love three times in my life. There have been many relationships, but three of those men captured my heart and will always have a piece of it in their hands. To write about love, I could write for pages and pages. I can sit here and say that I have loved and because of that my life has been precious. Now, you may be saying...Brandy, where is this going? It's just for you to ponder on. But back to my original question: What is love? We all may have our opinions as to what love may be, but I am choosing to sum it up in one picture. Yep, just one simple picture.

To me, this is love:

What? Did you think I was going to get all sappy on you? Come on now, that's not me. However, like I said, love is so many things to so many people. But I had this waiting for me when I got home and I immediately said, "Oh man, now this is love!" If you haven't had the Pumpkin Cheesecake flavor, I HIGHLY advise you to try it. It's enough to make me fall in love with two old guys who make LOTS of money!

And the sole reason I am on this earth, is God. He's pretty much amazing and has been rockin' my socks off everyday!

Have a great day!

Bran

*Sigh* for the quote of the day, my grandma used to say this to me. It makes me miss her.

Quote of the day: "For you see, each day I love you more. Today more than yesterday and less than tomorrow." ~Rosemonde Gerard

This and that

You all know I love me some bullet points. Today, I shall provide a general update on the musings of my life.

• School is more than half way done. I've been studying every chance I get. I don't think much is sinking in. I am just taking the class day by, praying I won't have to take it again next semester.


• I am hating the fact that it's the middle of October and it's still hot outside. Gah! Can we please have cool weather? I am really missing fall right now, more than I think I ever have. Hopefully by this time next year, I'll be experiencing a real fall again.


• I talked to my niece yesterday (not the one with the baby, the other one) and told her of my plans for moving closer to her. She proceeds to tell me she's moving to Texas this January. Ah, such is life. We discussed that after the new year, we would make plans to see each other. I think a road trip to Dallas might be in order! She just turned 19 on Saturday.


• My days have all been running together, with being up at the hospital. Please pray for my aunt, Connie. I honestly don't know how much longer she's going to live. She could live for years still, but every trip to the hospital (this time, she's been there for almost two weeks) brings some new problem...this time it's her kidneys and she was put on dialysis Friday.


• While sitting at the hospital on Saturday, waiting for my aunt to get back from dialysis, the hospital called a Code Grey. Now, I know what a Code Blue is, but I didn't know what Code Grey was. But after it was called, all of these men came running down the hallway. I was determined to find out what this code meant. Code Grey is called when there is an aggressive patient who is fighting. There you have it, now you can sleep tonight.


• I just finished reading The Shack by William Young. It's a fiction book, but holy cow! Go read this book. It was an amazing book! You can find it pretty much anywhere, I promise you will NOT be disappointed. Here's the website, http://www.theshackbook.com/. It's a quick read. And it has made the list as a favorite book. It's such a good book.


• Everyone around me is sick, including roomie. I'm desperately trying not get sick.


• Sports news: Tampa Bay Rays beat out the Red Sox and are heading to the World Series. That made me extremely happy, I didn't want the Red Sox to go to the World Series. Being a Yankees fan, the goal when they are not playing, is to root for anyone playing AGAINST the Red Sox. Yay Tampa Bay! On a side note....Jason, you have turned me into a complete sports maniac! But you already knew that. And I think because the Rays beat out the one team I didn't want at the World Series, I shall root for them during this time.


• I've been asked to teach the three year olds at church once a month. Of course I'm going to do it, however the three's class is one class that is difficult. Oy vei. Those kids, give me grey hairs.

Hmmm....I think that is all I have to share with you right now.

Have a fantastic day!

Bran

Quote of the day: "Let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom." Marcel Proust

Don't tell me

Last week, I was an emotional mess. Not this week, however this has been some stuff I have been dealing with in the past few weeks with various people in my life. Today will be a general rant.

I think more than anything, I can't stand when someone tells me I can't do something. It's different if I am saying I can't do something, but for someone else to tell me I can't do something...oh man, I despise that. It makes want to do the thing you say I can't do even more. All of my life, my lovely "sister" has been telling me I can't do this, I can't do that. I literally heard that my entire life from her, but I also heard my grandmother say, "You can do anything you put your mind to." Needless to say, my sister has given me some serious issues. I'm a firm believer she's part of the reason I think I'm so screwed up sometimes.

So, here's the deal. I've made a decision that is going to be happening in the next year. I am moving out of this state for various reasons. It's nobody's business where I'm moving, I know where I'm going. And the people who need to know the information has been told. And because you seem to tell me I can't do this and it's the stupidest thing I have ever done (Yes, that was said to me also). Who are you to tell me it's stupid? You have no clue what is going on in my life, even though we have lived together for five years. This is not just directed at roomie, but she is the straw that broke this camel's back. Everyone has their opinions as to what I should do with my life, where I should live, who I should love, who I should be friends with and I'm flat out sick of it.

Last time I checked I'm a grown woman and I have been on my own a long time. I make my own decisions, and the only person I have to answer to is God. Not you or anyone else. I really don't care if you don't like my decisions I make, if you don't like the people I choose to hang out with, if you don't like how I spend my free time, if you don't agree with where I want to live. Let me repeat that, I don't care.

I'm going to move and nothing anyone says is going to stop me. Keep telling me I can't, and I'll start looking for a job and an apartment and leave sooner than anticipated.

I am at a point in my life where I honestly do not have the strength to keep a friendship going if I am the only one giving in the relationship. Life is too short to be stressing out about being the one who constantly keeps in contact with people. And I'm flat out not going to do it any more. If you want to be my friend, you'll invest time in me, instead of me just investing time in you. I am tired of being so nice to people, then them playing these stupid little high school games that drives me crazy. And another thing, I'm done trusting people or attempting to trust people. The people that are in the trust circle are there, no body else will be let into that circle. If I haven't called you in a while, there's a reason, I'm mentally drained from always being the one that contacts you. This last part is directed towards many people, which in turn might make them mad. Oh well.

My walk with God is not always on path, I know that. I'm very open about that. I struggle like everyone else, but I try to make God proud every day. I sometimes fail miserably and that is something I have to deal with. However, do not tell me what YOU think I should be doing as far as my faith is concerned when you haven't walked with God in a very long time. I'm not saying I'm better than you, I'm saying that at least I make an effort to keep my faith in check. I've realized that it's not about me, it's about God. Yet, you have yet to realize that it's not about you at all, you tell me my time serving God is a waste of time. A waste of time? If I managed to influence just one life than every single second I've spent giving to people has been worth every breath and then some. I have no regrets about serving God.

I'm sure after reading this, you'll have your own opinion about everything and want to share it with me. But if you're going to tell me that I can't do something, then keep your opinions to yourself.

We want to pump *clap* you up...

***Okay, due to popular demand of numerous people apparently reading this blog. I shall start back putting my blogs over here.***

Happy Sunday everyone! How are you doing? Minus the fact that I want to cut off my ear, I'm doing pretty good. A few weeks ago as most of you know, I had come down with a cold. I'll be honest in saying, it wasn't that bad of a cold. My immune system is just bad and I usually get really sick, but this past time wasn't so bad. So, on this past Monday, I started having ear problems. It started out that if I sneezed or yawned, my right ear would pop. It would stay popped for a few hours and eventually go away. Come this past Wednesday, my ear would stay popped all day long and even became very painful. No matter what I did, I could not get it to unpop. And on Friday, I was wincing and crying in pain at work. Holding my ear, rocking back and forth praying it would go away. I can't ever recall having ear infections and ear pain is HORRIBLE! I called the nurseline with my health insurance and she said it sounded like I had an ear infection and needed to get to the doctor. Well, I don't have an ear infection...it's worse. In your ear is a tube and there is a membrane attached to that tube. Well that membrane has been separated from the tube due to me blowing my nose so hard when I was sick. Yes...that can actually happen. So, the doctor put me on steroids, yes, I'm officially on steroids, a week's supply.

When people hear that someone is on steroids, they automatically assume you're trying to make yourself bigger, pumping yourself up. Hence, the title of my blog today. If you're an old school Saturday Night Live fan, you know what I'm talking about. But steroids are used for other things, like inflammations. They are messing me up, I'm not sleeping very well. Gah, I hate tossing and turning all night and my ear pain is still there. Anyways, okay, I love music. I love to listen to it, I love to dance to it, I love to sing to it...I just love music. And I like loud music, I'm still somewhat young and enjoy listening to music turned up a little louder. At my church, we have an alternate service called Third Format. The music is a lot hipper and lot louder. I love it! However last night, I felt I had reached my old lady period, because the music was actually too loud and began to bother my ears. I know it's because my ears have something wrong with them, but I was upset I couldn't even enjoy the music because of my ear. I hope this goes away soon, I'm about to lose my mind!

Anyways, roomie and I have been talking a lot lately about moving. It has been decided that we are parting ways when our lease is up, but maybe sooner. Nothing bad has happened, we both are sick of Arizona and wanting to move somewhere else. She said she thought our lease can be broken if she gets transferred to another state. I will stay here for awhile (probably another year) so I can figure out my schooling, but maybe move sooner. But she is talking about moving back to Massachusetts or to Colorado. She is leaning towards moving back home to Cape Cod. I'm honestly sick of living in Arizona. I think about moving back to Indiana to be near my oldest friend. She has a two year old I have never even met. I do have family back in Indiana, but none that I'm close to. I thought about California, to be close to Rosie and the baby, but decided against that for personal reasons. J constantly talks about me moving to Oregon, and I would be close to him/his family (my family, now) and close to my other niece, Sarah. She would love that. With school, if I decide to move, I would need to find a school where my classes could transfer. It's a lot to think about and it's a tad overwhelming...moving to another state, school, job, living arrangement, etc. I don't know what I want. Sometimes I think I should just put all 50 states in a hat, mix them up, and pull one out, move there and start my life again. I so hate moving. I hate it.

Oh decisions...decisions.

Haha...here's some old school SNL for you, when it was good!

Quote of the day: "Nobody trips over mountains. It is the small pebble that causes you to stumble. Pass all the pebbles in your path and you will find you have crossed the mountain." ~Unknown