Good Outweighs the Bad

It's been almost a month since I've been home. I'm still enjoying every single day. No living situation is perfect by any means, mine included. In my time here, I've definitely done some growing. I am learning to let a lot of things just "roll off of my back". If you know me, you know I'm generally not one of those type of people. I don't deal with change well and rarely let anything roll off of my back. I hold onto things until I burst out in anger. But the things in my living situation that I'm getting used to are so small and really don't matter too much in the big scheme of things. Like my title says, the good outweighs the bad by a far amount. I won't list those small minor details I'm getting used to, it's not worth it. Instead, I will list the good:

Like how much I just love the scenery I see every single day. The weather has been beautiful. There has been a few humid days (where I was bothered), but overall I'm handling the weather pretty well. It's so green here and I'm just not sure what to do with all my excitement. I love, love, love living in a small city, it's such a drastic change to where I lived in Arizona.

I feel healthier, my skin looks good, my hair looks good. Overall, my health just feels better. I am eating healthier. I may not exercise every day, but I get my butt outside every day to do something. Once a week, I get a good workout in and mow the lawn. I'm pretty sure lawn mowing dancing is a good calorie burner. I love mowing the lawn, seriously. And due to my outside excursions, I'm rocking quite the tan. I rarely wear full shoes and flip flops are my shoes of choice.

I am very thankful for my GPS, but for the most part, I've just tried to figure out how to get places on my own. In Phoenix, every one used to the freeway to get to a different city. Here, people rarely use the one major freeway. Instead they use the county roads. I like to call the country roads, because they are out in the middle of nowhere with nothing but farms. Driving down the road at night, you have to be very aware of your surroundings. It's pitch black, with only your headlights shining. Hitting deer is a common occurrence here and you drive a little slower at night on those roads. Because you never know when one will run across the road.

The greatest thing of all is living with my dad. I can't explain the love I have for him and how it's grown since I've been home. It's funny to see that some of his mannerisms are ones that I've done for most of my life. We are a lot alike. It's weird living with him, (I was raised by my grandparents), but I feel so content at the same time.  I feel I am right where I am supposed to be, growing more every day. He's far from perfect. But hey, so am I. It's nice being so near family and my best friend. I can just hop in the car and see them whenever I want. I love that.

I'm still looking for a job. I won't talk about how many jobs I've applied for, but trying to remember to trust God. He will provide in His timing. I am working really hard on remembering that.

Talking Country

I've officially been home for a week now. It's still very surreal that I'm here. I kinda feel like I am on vacation, but yet, I'm not. I'm official resident of Indiana again.

My heart is in such a state of contentment right now. I am literally falling in love with my roots again. It's been so long that I've been trying to shove those feelings to the "forgotten about" section of my brain. Life is very different here in Indiana than it was in Arizona. Here, everyone is very chill and relaxed. Nobody rushing to do this or that. People actually have manners and genuinely care about you. When they say to have a good day, they are not just saying it because it's the nice thing to do. They are saying it because they actually want you to have a good day. There's so much green around, my heart just wants to scream with joy! The weather here has been beautiful and even on the hottest day (That the Hoosiers think), I have no complaints. I think my body got so used to the nasty heat of AZ that on the muggiest of days, it doesn't bother me at all. I can't tell you how many times I've walked outside with no shoes on. It's nice not to burn the soles of my feet.

Last weekend we went and had a barbecue with some of my cousin's wife's family. I won't lie, the barbecue was in the country. There was chickens running around the yard with the dogs. It was all extremely "country" and probably not what normal people would consider fun. However, I loved every minute of it. Her family was so welcoming and in no time at all, I felt like I had known them for years. I can guarantee that I would have dreaded going to something like that in Arizona and would have hated every minute of being there. But not here, here I felt so at home. Mosquitoes and all, it all felt so great. I noticed a few days ago, I started talking a bit country. It actually stopped me mid conversation. It's not that I'm trying to talk country, it just sort of happened. It's because I'm surrounded by a lot of country folk, I'm taking on the native talk. :)

I live in a small town. It's very small. In fact, it's so small that the post office here just recently closed. Why did it close? Well, because the ONE employee who had been working there for years, the Postmaster General, decided it was time to retire. She retired and the post office closed. That's just the way they roll here in Indiana. We generally have to go to the next town over, Marion, for our shopping. It's not too far, but everything you could possibly need is on this main strip of road. I don't feel too out of sorts, there's a Starbucks there. :D


I still haven't found a job yet, but I'm trusting God will provide. I'm looking and applying every day. Cost of living is so much cheaper here. So, I could take a cut in pay and still survive. I'm not too worried yet about not having a job, God knows the plans for my life and that's all I can think about. I just feel it in my bones that He has got some big stuff in store for me. I had originally planned to live and work near Indianapolis. But I am praying for a job close to my dad's house. I've rather fallen in love with this small town feel and I would be perfectly okay with staying and working in this area.

I shall start my church journey this week. I'm excited about that. I am missing teaching the kiddos already.

Have I mentioned how happy I am here? It's been a long time coming and I'm completely in my element.

Adios, Arizona

In two weeks, I'll be saying goodbye to Arizona. You've treated me well. I will miss you, but it's time for me to start a new chapter in my life, time to go back to my home grown roots. Although I say I will miss you, I've never really considered you home.
There are many things I will miss and some that I won't.
I will miss...
Your beautiful sunsets.
The diversity of things to do in the state.
Although not a fan of your sports teams, I will miss living in a town that has all the major sports.
Truly authentic Mexican food.
Speaking of food, tamales at Christmas.
The smell of orange blossoms in the spring.
How beautiful the scenery can be.
My random trips up to Superstition Mountains. It's been the mountain I've been to the most.
The snow-capped Four Peaks.
Monsoon season. Arizona can throw down a good thunderstorm. But they are few and far between.
Udder Delights
A few hidden gems I have found here: Tonto National Park and the Lava Caves.
Fiesta Bowl, never attended one, but loved how the city came alive at that time.
Having a Starbucks on every corner...or within a short driving distance.
Zoolights and Las Noches de las Luminaries
Midnight showings of the Twilight movies.
The Grand Canyon
The lights on South Mountain, they were always my sense of direction.
I'm sure eventually I'll start to miss AZ winters with no snow. :)

I'm not going to miss...

The heat!

The wretched smell in Gilbert at night.

The snow birds. Indiana might be enjoyable in the winter, the elderly people will be in AZ!

Black Widows and Scorpions

Southwestern Christmas decorations. Never seemed right seeing lights on cactus.

People expecting me to speak Spanish to them because they don't speak English.

And why we are on that, I'm not going to miss all the illegal immigration stuff in general.

The freeways. They are so bad!

The smog covering the entire valley.

Walmart trips.

My AZ allergies.

When it "spits dirt" instead of rain.

Not being able to walk outside without shoes on in the summer.
How ugly the desert can be.
My yucky, dry skin.

What I'm looking forward to in Indiana...

4 seasons! Winter, Spring, Summer, Fall

Being close enough to Chicago to watch a Yankees and White Sox game.

Attending a Notre Dame game.

Lots and lots of greenery everywhere. 

Blue Jays and Cardinals (the birds) in the winter time. 

The small town feel, it will take some getting used to, but I am excited for it.

Midwestern meals.

Trips to Chicago, Ohio, northern Indiana.

Family get togethers.

Christmas lights twinkling while covered with snow.

The first sign of spring after winter.

Midwestern homes with actual basements.

Exploring my state, finding the hidden gems. I never really did that before.

Being closer to Tennessee. I so want to go to Graceland! Uh-huh.

Cuddling up with a blanket, a book, and some tea on a blustery, cold day.

Wearing my hoodies more often!
My skin being hydrated because there is humidity in the air.
Taking some pictures at Lake Michigan again.
Lightening bugs, they bring back such memories of my childhood.


There's so much to miss, not to miss, to explore. I'm exicited about this adventure and can't wait to see what God has in store. Indiana is my home...my heart.

Trusting God Through It All

I've always been someone who struggles with trust. I generally don't trust a lot of people and keep a handful of "close" friends. I have gotten better at opening up to people as I have gotten older, but I still tend to put up a barrier of sorts to keep myself and my heart protected.

I even try to put this barrier up with God sometimes. Trusting God is something I have always struggled with as well. I've just been raised to be so independent, me relying on God, fully relying on Him, is sometimes difficult. But no matter how much I put a wall up with God, it doesn't hide anything. God knows me better than anyone, He knows the deepest depths of my soul. He knows my wants, my desires. He knows my deep, dark secrets. He knows my weaknesses. He knows my joys, my pains. And most of all, He knows I struggle with trusting Him.

But every year, as I have gotten older, I've put my trust in Him more. South Africa has changed me in a lot of ways. No, let me re-phrase that, God has changed me in many ways by letting me go on that trip. One of the things that has changed is my trust. My trust in God has deepened. Gosh, after 9 years of walking with God, you'd think I would have this "down" by now. But constantly, God puts new situations in front of me that enhances my faith, my trust, my love. Everything is enhanced for God. More and more every day, I realize God provides no matter what.

I had wrote a previous blog about wanting to move back to Indiana to be near my family. This is so heavy on my heart, that at times, it just aches to be back to my family and roots. I felt like God knew how much my heart ached for this and He would honor my prayers. Because I do desperately want this one thing.

But it's not about me, is it? It's about God and it's about what God wants for me. Once again, I will learn to trust Him with my future. About a month ago, an opportunity arose for me to promote at my job. I didn't even think about applying for this job, because I have it on my heart to move to Indiana. I had three separate people tell me I should apply for this job. I knew this job was out of my league. It would be two positions higher than the one I am currently in. But people telling me I would be good in this position got my wheels turning and I began to think, "Just maybe." 

But is this what God wanted? After consulting with family and friends, I was told I would be crazy not to apply. I began to hurt in my heart because I was struggling with what I wanted, which was going back to Indiana. But this job opening was placed before me and after praying for it for a few days, I felt God telling me to apply, to trust Him. I began to change my perspective after I applied. Every day I would talk to God and tell Him that I trusted Him, no matter what the decision. And if I got this job here, then my work in Arizona wasn't finished yet. But my heart still yearned for Indiana.

I jumped through all the hurdles placed before me, my resume was pulled from our database system, I took a supervisor test that is given by my job and passed. Before I knew it, I was being called for an interview. There I stood last week outside the meeting room waiting for the interview. I always have anxiety about interviewing, talking in front of people etc. My stomach is in knots to the point where I think I might throw up and my hands are always ice cold. My nerves get the best of me. But I didn't have any of those things, I felt very oddly calm and so at peace. I knew God was there through it all.

I continued to pray to God that I trusted Him, numerous times through tears because I was still struggling with my wants. I will trust you, Lord, even if it means You want me here in Arizona. Over and over again. Yesterday, I got the message to call the person in charge of the hiring. Okay, here we go! As I started dialing her number on my cellphone, I was overwhelmed with nervousness and began to cry a little. I just kept saying out loud, "I trust You. I trust You. I trust You." Hands shaking and all, I managed to dial her number. She began to tell me how well I did in the interview, but that she had decided to hire someone else. I didn't really hear anything after that. The phone call ended quickly and I began to cry again. These were tears of happiness and through my tears I just kept saying, "Thank you, Lord. Thank you, Lord."

It appears that the path I want for myself is something in God's plan as well, we are walking down this road together. He steps, I step. Continuously until we arrive at a new place. No matter what happens or what obstacles are placed before me, I will trust God through it all.

Indiana, watch out! I'm coming home!

"You have trusted Him in a few things, and He has not failed you. Trust Him now for everything, and see if He does not do for you exceeding abundantly above all that you could ever have asked or thought, not according to your power or capacity, but according to His own mighty power, that will work in you all the good pleasure of His most blessed will. You find no difficulty in trusting the Lord with the management of the universe and all the outward creation, and can your case be any more complex or difficult than these, that you need to be anxious or troubled about His management of it?"

Hannah Whitall Smith

Hannah Whitall Smith

Home is Where the Heart Is

You know that saying "Home is where the heart is?" That is something that has been on my heart for a good six months or so now. The part I struggle with is the "home" part. It has taken me a long time to get a "home" feeling here in AZ. And that's only happened in the past few years because of Kristine and her family taking me in.

What does home mean exactly? I'm not talking about the building structure, I'm talking about the feeling of home. Home is where you are most comfortable. Home is where you can be yourself. Home is where everyone loves you, no matter your faults. Home is what you long for when your world is falling apart. People, sounds, scents, food, etc., all remind us of home. Home can also be somewhere your roots have started, for me that place is Indiana. I've always referred to Indiana as my home, even though I've been away from there for 13 years now. My roots never fully got planted here and for the longest time I've wanted to leave Arizona. But my home is here, here with my new found family. It's a struggle I am having.

Something that I've learned as I got older is the importance of family. After my grandma died, a lot of my family went their separate ways, and we all lost that unity that most families have. I've spent the past 10 years searching for that feeling of home and that feeling of family again here in AZ. I caused a lot of issues with pushing people away from me, not allowing them to love me. A lot of my searching was my fault, I was like a little butterfly, fluttering from one family to another, hoping to find acceptance and love that I once felt. I got my heart broke and my expectations trashed too many times to count. Then the Yee family came along and I tried to fight them and push them away as well. All I was doing was causing myself more misery. I finally stopped being such a pain and let my walls break down. They showed me what it was to be family, even if they weren't blood. But somewhere along the way, my heart began to change for my own family.

I began to see how much I desperately wanted to be near my family in Indiana. Going back in July just made that more clear. I felt a yearning that was very unfamiliar, a feeling to be near my dad. For most of my life, he has lived in Florida. Now he's back in Indiana and I can't explain the need to just be near him. Maybe it's because he's the only parent I have left, or maybe it's because of his health. But maybe, just maybe it's to have the relationship with him I've never really had.

With that being said, I'm planning on moving back to Indiana in the summer if I can find a job. I am content with that decision and I feel like God knows how much my heart needs this. As I write this blog, I'm in tears. I'm not very good with change and the thought of leaving my "comfort" zone scares the crap out of me. I am okay with moving back to Indiana, just scared about the before stuff. I'm scared of losing the strong non-blood family I just barely let into my life.  But I know God will strengthen the bonds of friendship and love with Kristine and her family. I will ever be eternally grateful to God for bringing them into my life. And He will also strengthen the bonds of love within my family.

Family is important, they don't always have to be blood related to be a family. It's where ever you feel at home. I know Indiana is where I belong, the feelings of home in all senses are there and they are strong. But I have them in Arizona as well. A person can have two homes, right?

"Where we love is home, home that our feet may leave, but not our hearts."

~Oliver Wendell Holmes

I miss...

It's this time of year, when my heart really starts hurting for the fall season. I always said that Spring was my favorite season, but more and more every year, it's becoming fall. Fall is not something we experience too much in Arizona. Sure, northern Arizona does have all the seasons. Fall in Arizona is NOTHING like fall back in the Midwest or East Coast.

This past weekend, Kristine, her mom, and I went up to Payson to do a surprise visit with our friend, Christi. I sat in the backseat and just watched the scenery. The trees were still green, but when we got to Payson, there was one lonely tree that had changed colors and it's leaves were yellow. That really made my heart hurt worse. I put my head up against the window and tried to remember fall back in Indiana. I used to hate it when it turned fall because I knew the snow was soon to come.

But now, 12 years of being away from Indiana, I miss fall so badly every year. And as the years go by, I yearn for it more and more.

I miss the changing of the leaves.

I miss the crisp, cool air.

I miss bundling up for the fall season.

I miss the sound of leaves and branches cracking under my feet.

I miss raking leaves into a big pile and falling into them.

I miss the smell of burning leaves.

I miss the blustery fall days that are rainy that just makes you want to curl up with a blanket, a book, and some hot cocoa.

I miss watching Notre Dame football games on TV. Yes, I do that now, but it's just different when you're in the same state of the team you're rooting for.

I miss this...

I miss this...

And I really miss this...(that's an actual house from Michigan City)

Quote of the day: " Every leaf speaks bliss to me, fluttering from the autumn tree." ~Emily Bronte