I even try to put this barrier up with God sometimes. Trusting God is something I have always struggled with as well. I've just been raised to be so independent, me relying on God, fully relying on Him, is sometimes difficult. But no matter how much I put a wall up with God, it doesn't hide anything. God knows me better than anyone, He knows the deepest depths of my soul. He knows my wants, my desires. He knows my deep, dark secrets. He knows my weaknesses. He knows my joys, my pains. And most of all, He knows I struggle with trusting Him.
But every year, as I have gotten older, I've put my trust in Him more. South Africa has changed me in a lot of ways. No, let me re-phrase that, God has changed me in many ways by letting me go on that trip. One of the things that has changed is my trust. My trust in God has deepened. Gosh, after 9 years of walking with God, you'd think I would have this "down" by now. But constantly, God puts new situations in front of me that enhances my faith, my trust, my love. Everything is enhanced for God. More and more every day, I realize God provides no matter what.
I had wrote a previous blog about wanting to move back to Indiana to be near my family. This is so heavy on my heart, that at times, it just aches to be back to my family and roots. I felt like God knew how much my heart ached for this and He would honor my prayers. Because I do desperately want this one thing.
But it's not about me, is it? It's about God and it's about what God wants for me. Once again, I will learn to trust Him with my future. About a month ago, an opportunity arose for me to promote at my job. I didn't even think about applying for this job, because I have it on my heart to move to Indiana. I had three separate people tell me I should apply for this job. I knew this job was out of my league. It would be two positions higher than the one I am currently in. But people telling me I would be good in this position got my wheels turning and I began to think, "Just maybe."
But is this what God wanted? After consulting with family and friends, I was told I would be crazy not to apply. I began to hurt in my heart because I was struggling with what I wanted, which was going back to Indiana. But this job opening was placed before me and after praying for it for a few days, I felt God telling me to apply, to trust Him. I began to change my perspective after I applied. Every day I would talk to God and tell Him that I trusted Him, no matter what the decision. And if I got this job here, then my work in Arizona wasn't finished yet. But my heart still yearned for Indiana.
I jumped through all the hurdles placed before me, my resume was pulled from our database system, I took a supervisor test that is given by my job and passed. Before I knew it, I was being called for an interview. There I stood last week outside the meeting room waiting for the interview. I always have anxiety about interviewing, talking in front of people etc. My stomach is in knots to the point where I think I might throw up and my hands are always ice cold. My nerves get the best of me. But I didn't have any of those things, I felt very oddly calm and so at peace. I knew God was there through it all.
I continued to pray to God that I trusted Him, numerous times through tears because I was still struggling with my wants. I will trust you, Lord, even if it means You want me here in Arizona. Over and over again. Yesterday, I got the message to call the person in charge of the hiring. Okay, here we go! As I started dialing her number on my cellphone, I was overwhelmed with nervousness and began to cry a little. I just kept saying out loud, "I trust You. I trust You. I trust You." Hands shaking and all, I managed to dial her number. She began to tell me how well I did in the interview, but that she had decided to hire someone else. I didn't really hear anything after that. The phone call ended quickly and I began to cry again. These were tears of happiness and through my tears I just kept saying, "Thank you, Lord. Thank you, Lord."
It appears that the path I want for myself is something in God's plan as well, we are walking down this road together. He steps, I step. Continuously until we arrive at a new place. No matter what happens or what obstacles are placed before me, I will trust God through it all.
Indiana, watch out! I'm coming home!
"You have trusted Him in a few things, and He has not failed you. Trust Him now for everything, and see if He does not do for you exceeding abundantly above all that you could ever have asked or thought, not according to your power or capacity, but according to His own mighty power, that will work in you all the good pleasure of His most blessed will. You find no difficulty in trusting the Lord with the management of the universe and all the outward creation, and can your case be any more complex or difficult than these, that you need to be anxious or troubled about His management of it?"
Hannah Whitall Smith
Hannah Whitall Smith