Monday, January 3, 2011

Home is Where the Heart Is

You know that saying "Home is where the heart is?" That is something that has been on my heart for a good six months or so now. The part I struggle with is the "home" part. It has taken me a long time to get a "home" feeling here in AZ. And that's only happened in the past few years because of Kristine and her family taking me in.

What does home mean exactly? I'm not talking about the building structure, I'm talking about the feeling of home. Home is where you are most comfortable. Home is where you can be yourself. Home is where everyone loves you, no matter your faults. Home is what you long for when your world is falling apart. People, sounds, scents, food, etc., all remind us of home. Home can also be somewhere your roots have started, for me that place is Indiana. I've always referred to Indiana as my home, even though I've been away from there for 13 years now. My roots never fully got planted here and for the longest time I've wanted to leave Arizona. But my home is here, here with my new found family. It's a struggle I am having.

Something that I've learned as I got older is the importance of family. After my grandma died, a lot of my family went their separate ways, and we all lost that unity that most families have. I've spent the past 10 years searching for that feeling of home and that feeling of family again here in AZ. I caused a lot of issues with pushing people away from me, not allowing them to love me. A lot of my searching was my fault, I was like a little butterfly, fluttering from one family to another, hoping to find acceptance and love that I once felt. I got my heart broke and my expectations trashed too many times to count. Then the Yee family came along and I tried to fight them and push them away as well. All I was doing was causing myself more misery. I finally stopped being such a pain and let my walls break down. They showed me what it was to be family, even if they weren't blood. But somewhere along the way, my heart began to change for my own family.

I began to see how much I desperately wanted to be near my family in Indiana. Going back in July just made that more clear. I felt a yearning that was very unfamiliar, a feeling to be near my dad. For most of my life, he has lived in Florida. Now he's back in Indiana and I can't explain the need to just be near him. Maybe it's because he's the only parent I have left, or maybe it's because of his health. But maybe, just maybe it's to have the relationship with him I've never really had.

With that being said, I'm planning on moving back to Indiana in the summer if I can find a job. I am content with that decision and I feel like God knows how much my heart needs this. As I write this blog, I'm in tears. I'm not very good with change and the thought of leaving my "comfort" zone scares the crap out of me. I am okay with moving back to Indiana, just scared about the before stuff. I'm scared of losing the strong non-blood family I just barely let into my life.  But I know God will strengthen the bonds of friendship and love with Kristine and her family. I will ever be eternally grateful to God for bringing them into my life. And He will also strengthen the bonds of love within my family.

Family is important, they don't always have to be blood related to be a family. It's where ever you feel at home. I know Indiana is where I belong, the feelings of home in all senses are there and they are strong. But I have them in Arizona as well. A person can have two homes, right?

"Where we love is home, home that our feet may leave, but not our hearts."
~Oliver Wendell Holmes


Anonymous said...

I understand! I still have a hard time thinking of AZ as home. It's very hard for me to think that I will never move back home! I am very glad that we get to serve with each other before you make the trip home!

SaraMarie said...

I struggle with this too, as you know. I've been writing a blog about this very subject since last week (being HOME in CA instigated the thoughts). Not sure I will post it. My perspective is a little different, but still the same idea about "home" being subjective to each individual person. My blog gets a little spiritual (eternal home, temporary home, etc, etc). But, I love seeing a different viewpoint about a subject I ponder often. Love you friend!