tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13116018198842879722024-02-19T04:24:46.041-05:00Be careful, we don't want to learn from this...Or do we?Brandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15244091355354504471noreply@blogger.comBlogger291125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1311601819884287972.post-32036116183567096272016-10-13T13:02:00.000-04:002016-10-13T13:02:02.114-04:00The reality of foster careI would like to make an honest effort to keep up with this blog. I've got lots to say, just can't figure out how to put it into writing. <br />
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Here I am, officially licensed for one year. My first foster placement has come and gone. I just re-read my previous post about her. Whew, to think that things actually got way worse after that post. In one month after that post my previous foster's daughter would change forever by a traumatizing experience. She would never be the same. I learned to trust on God way more than I ever thought I could. She has turned 18 now and is out of system. I still keep in contact with her, but have needed to step back a little from the relationship for some personal reasons. <br />
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On top of the trauma that happened, a good thing happened. I have bought my very first house. Yay! I'm so proud of my small, but perfect little three bedroom house. One of the first things I made sure was ready was a bedroom for a new child in need. May 20th, I got my call for my second placement. She's been with me almost 5 months now. She's 12, quirky, fun, and very intellectual about a lot of things. Having her has shown me the reality of foster care though. My first placement was a weird, complicated situation all around and NOTHING like I had imagined. My second placement is more of what I imagined situation wise, but she's such a great kid! Is she traumatized by her past and the reason why she is foster care? Yes. But the way she has handled it has left me amazed. The only way I can describe how she is handling it is with grace. <br />
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There are days where I'm silently angry at the situation she is in and why she is with me. Times I'm frustrated that mom cancels visits. Times I'm having to explain things to the kiddo in a way that she may understand, but censoring some of it because she shouldn't hear all the details of her case. Questioning why the kid does things that I find odd like eating dry pasta. She has siblings in the system as well, all in different homes. Of course, I never say anything out loud to her. Her love for her mom is so unconditional despite the fact that she completely understands what is going on. And I love that about her. I love her unwavering love for her mom. She is at a fragile age, 12 almost 13, puberty, hormones, middle school. Her love for her mom could honestly change in a matter of minutes, but for her, I don't think that will ever happen. Although I admit to times of harboring angry thoughts, God takes those thoughts and completely fills me with compassion for her mom when I see her. It is not okay how things happened, but we as Christians are to just love. It is not my job to judge. And if I do, I try to keep it to myself and pray to God about that. I believe in reunification with the family, that is the goal of foster care. I have included her family in a few things because the kiddo's life is still going on and I don't want them to miss it. After all, it is not about me at all, it's about that great 12 year old that God has blessed me with. <br />
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I find myself in a very unique place right now. Years ago, I vowed I would never return to my home state of Indiana. I would go to school to be a nurse and later become a missionary in another country. But now I moved back to Indiana 5 1/2 years ago, just bought a house, stopped school and now I'm a single foster parent. The place I am in is a place of peace, a place that God has placed me at the exact right time. I'm doing what I can, loving on kids who need some peace in their life amidst the life of chaos they have come from. It is a great place to be. <br />
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<br />Brandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15244091355354504471noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1311601819884287972.post-52522073726819703252016-02-28T20:08:00.000-05:002016-02-28T20:11:13.814-05:00Crying Out to GodNovember 24, 2015 @ 12:35am, my life changed forever. I received the call for my very first foster placement. I had originally requested ages kindergarten through 5th grade. But this call was for a 17 year old girl who was coming into the foster system for the first time. They needed someone to take her and was having a hard time finding a place for her to go. Without hesitation, I said yes. I mean, isn't that why I am in foster care? To love the kids, including the teenagers, no matter how scary they are? <br />
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Teenagers in general are moody, unpredictable, awkward and did I mention moody? But a troubled teen is a whole different can of worms. And let's add being in foster care to the whole troubled teen thing and you have the situation I'm currently in. We spent the entire first night talking. We talked till 3am. I began to love her the second she walked in my door. It's a strange feeling to love someone you literally just met. But God's love is never ending, He loves us even before we were formed in the womb. I am in no means God, but I began to love this broken teenager as God loves me, unconditionally. All flaws set aside, just love.<br />
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I have tried to love her to the best of my ability and to the extent that she would allow me. And through this entire experience, I choose love. All the problems aside, I always told her I loved her even when she disappointed me over and over and over again.<br />
Did she make me angry? Oh yeah.<br />
Did she frustrate me to the point of belief? Yep.<br />
Did she take advantage of me? Many times. <br />
Have I spent many hours worried about her whereabouts and what she was doing? Yep.<br />
How about the tears? Yes, there have been plenty on my side.<br />
Things are complicated in that this is her first go round in foster care, she's almost 18, and she has been allowed to spend time with a family member. Her and the teenager have taken complete advantage of me, unfortunately. <br />
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Last night, I had to call the police and report her as a runaway. A runaway. My worst fear. I had an inkling I knew where she was, but when me and the police went over there, no one answered. I feel as though I have failed as a parent. Today, she has called me and said she's not coming back. She's decided to make the rules and not follow the ones put in place for her safety. It doesn't make the fact that my heart is breaking for her hurt any less. It honestly hurts like hell. I feel as though my heart is constantly being stabbed numerous times a day. <br />
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People have said to me today that at least you don't have to worry about her anymore. Or she's no longer your responsibility. You can breathe now. As of right now, this moment in time, she is considered a runaway. Which gives me all the more reason to worry. I'll admit, there has been many times where I wish the situation would just change and perhaps she would go to another home. I can't express how being a single foster parent and having to deal with as much as she has got going on makes you feel very, very alone. But I would never want bad things to happen to her. I had the option to send her to another foster home a few weeks ago, but after I prayed about it for a few days, I just kept hearing God say, "Just love her. She needs you." But at some point, you break, and you know that tough love has got to kick in. She's going to hate you for it, but you have to do what is needed. <br />
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The thing I have learned about foster care so far is that you keep giving and keep giving. Most of the time, you get nothing in return. And just when you don't think you can give any more, God sustains you to get through one more day. Because God is full of mercy and grace. And his love can overcome anything. But at one point, you have to realize you can't save them all and hope that maybe one day they wake up to see how hard I tried to just love them. If anything, my faith has grown. As stubborn as I am, I realized I simply cannot do this alone. I need God and I need people around me to pick me up when I'm sobbing uncontrollably in the church bathroom because I am so overwhelmed.<br />
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Any regrets? Yes, some.<br />
If I had the option to go back, knowing what I know now, would I still take her in? YES. Because after all, it is what Jesus would have done.<br />
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<br />Brandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15244091355354504471noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1311601819884287972.post-27922020458084039402015-07-03T10:06:00.001-04:002015-07-03T10:06:52.865-04:00A little bit of everything. Oh blog, you are so neglected. :( I really need to get more diligent about updating this. I don't even care if anyone reads it. I just need to get my head empty.<br />
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Do you ever get the feeling you're just missing out on your life? There are some days where I just feel like a zombie drifting through days, one day running into the next. Somewhere along the line my life has gotten completely off track. I feel like I am just going through the motions of life. Doing what I can to get myself through to the next day. It's a viscous cycle that has been constantly repeating itself every.single.day. And to be honest, I'm just tired. I can't sit here and blame anyone but myself. I've got to find a way to get out of this rut. I'm in a rut with my weight loss, rut with my faith, in a rut with everything.<br />
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Why is it so hard for me to motivate myself when it comes to losing weight? People can help me all they want, but until I change the way I think about a lot of things, I'm never gonna change. The change needs to start from within to change my outer being. I am working on some things mentally. I can't keep running around this hamster wheel. At one point, I need to suck it up and get off. More about that later. <br />
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Update on my last post. One of the things I wanted to accomplish my 38th year of being alive was to start the foster care process. I have started that process and I'm almost done with the licensing. I'm about 8 weeks out from receiving my license. I feel like it has all happened quickly. I don't fair well being overwhelmed. And there were many times I became overwhelmed in the process. Between all the classes, Red Cross Certifications, mounds of paperwork, and two of three home visits I've had, it is a lot. It overwhelmed me constantly and there was times when I would have to just push the paperwork away and go take a walk. But I've stuck through it. If you personally know me, you know how much of a worrier I am. I know God will take care of anything that comes before me, but that doesn't stop me from worrying myself sick sometimes. I worry about so much stuff. But I mainly worry that I will fail as a parent. I am praying to God constantly about this. Everyone says I'll do fine because I'm great with kids, but the things will be different when I have a child full time in my house. I will have another human being that I'm responsible for, that's a big responsibility. And I want that child to have a peaceful environment where they feel nothing but love. I don't want to have anything in their life that may further traumatize them. There will need to be some changes made and boundaries set with some people in my life. My number one priority is that child. I'm not gonna lie, I AM SCARED FAR MORE THAN I CAN EVEN WRITE. But deep down, I am trusting God, and there is this little voice telling me it's going to be okay. It's crazy to think I am going to have a placement soon. Little things like shopping the day after Thanksgiving (Something I despise) may become part of my life. Lol. But also watching their excitement at Christmas as they help me decorate or open presents already just makes me tear up. Thoughts of helping them with homework, meal planning, spending time with them brings a smile to my face. I was meant to do this, this much I know. And when they go home to their biological parents, I will cry. But I know it's what is best. I will keep in contact with them. I will never sever that bond we formed. And if a child comes into my house and the parental rights of their biological family have been terminated and given the option to adopt the child or let them go back into the system, of course I will adopt them. I have already decided that. Brandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15244091355354504471noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1311601819884287972.post-65004395190884154922015-02-12T14:01:00.001-05:002015-02-12T14:01:35.554-05:0038th YearYesterday was my 38th birthday. Eeeekkkk, I can't believe I'm 38 already. It seems as I am getting older, the years are going by faster. People tell me constantly I don't look like I am anywhere near 38, which is such a compliment. I love when people tell me that. I don't know what my secret is, but I am going to keep doing it! <br />
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As I contemplated what this new year had ahead of me, I started thinking of some things I wanted to accomplish before my 39th birthday. I guess these could be resolutions of sorts. I generally don't do New Year's Resolutions. <br />
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For my 38th year on earth, I hope to: <br />
<ul>
<li>Cross at least two things off my bucket list. My list can be found <a href="http://hebrews133.blogspot.com/2010/09/bucket-list.html" target="_blank">here.</a> I suppose this list needs to be updated as well. There are a few things I have changed my mind about.</li>
</ul>
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<ul>
<li>Start Foster process. One of the things on my bucket list is to adopt a child. Which leads into something I want to accomplish this year. God had blessed me with a great apartment, a great 2 bedroom apartment. This year, I want to look into taking some classes to foster a child. I have accepted the fact that I may not birth a child in my life and I'm perfectly okay with that. However, I know there are plenty of children right here in Madison County who need someone to love them. I would like to think I would be a great mom. I absolutely love kids. And they love me as well. So, why couldn't I foster a child or even adopt one? I feel like I am ready for that step.</li>
</ul>
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<ul>
<li>Get healthier. My last few posts have been about me dealing with some back trouble. I am not saying I am going to diet and start exercising like crazy. I honestly couldn't probably walk on a treadmill right now if I had to. But I just want to get healther, yes that involves me to make some eating changes and to exercise. But the goal is to hopefully lessen the need for surgery. Although, I have been told it is probably gonna happen, I'm gonna have some faith and see if things go in another direction. But I gotta have more than faith, I gotta put some things in action as well.</li>
</ul>
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<ul>
<li>Memorize scripture. Why am I so horrible at doing this?!? I have gotten better about reading the Word, but memorizing is a whole different story.</li>
</ul>
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<ul>
<li>Attend Covered Bridge Festival. Every year in Southern Indiana, there is a Covered Bridge tour that visits different bridges. Oh, I want to do that. I love covered bridges and I love photography. So I am adding that to my list to accomplish. </li>
</ul>
So, there you have it. Some things are big, some are simple. I'd better get moving.<br />
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STOP wishing.</div>
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START doing. </div>
Brandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15244091355354504471noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1311601819884287972.post-22275007998852243512015-02-10T13:36:00.001-05:002015-02-10T13:36:51.869-05:00Nothing happens without discipline<br />
A few weeks ago, I was reading an email and saw this phrase that struck a chord with me, “Nothing happens without discipline.” I wrote that down on a post-it note and put it near my monitor at work. Every day I stare at that piece of paper silently hoping to find my motivation, to find my discipline. I used to be a disciplined person about a lot of different things. I feel as I have aged, that my lack of discipline has disappeared. As I sit here 12 hours before my 38th birthday, I know I need to find the discipline in one area and I need it ASAP. <br />
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My discipline to read the Bible every day is way better than it was. I am at least reading every day or every other day. I feel my faith growing stronger during a dark time. I have been reading the Bible out loud and I am gaining a better understanding of the Word. Digging into God’s Word is better enhancing my prayer life. I started reading a daily devotional as well.<br />
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My discipline is seriously lacking in the weight loss department. Yesterday, I met with neurosurgeon. And although he understood about me starting a new job and not being able to do anything right now, I was told that surgery is not something I’m going to be able to avoid much longer. He has referred me to therapy for six weeks. But surgery will have to come no matter what. I know in order to alleviate this extreme pain I’m in, I need to lose weight and I need to be serious about it. I have a pretty high thresh hold for pain and to say I have been hurting for the past month and a half is an understatement. It has been immense pain. Pain so bad that brings me to my knees and makes me sob uncontrollably. I don’t want to live life in pain. This past month has been eye-opening. <br />
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My pastor has asked me about a book called the Daniel Plan. I have this book, but honestly never took the time to read it. He asked me if I would be interested in doing a group regarding this plan. I am going to research the book some more, but right now I need all the help I can get. As stubborn as I am, I simply cannot do this on my own. In the back of my head, I’m thinking back problems now…heart attack in the future? I know I shouldn’t think that way, but the thoughts are there. <br />
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Nothing happens without discipline.<br />
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<div style="text-align: right;">
Nothing happens without discipline. </div>
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<strong><em>NOTHING </em></strong></div>
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Please Lord, I need the discipline to lose weight. I know the only way I am going to do this is to trust you more than I have before. I know for my health, this HAS to be done. I don’t want to live like this, in constant pain and needing pain pills to function. Please help me not to be so stubborn, please help me to accept the help of friends and family. <br />
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Brandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15244091355354504471noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1311601819884287972.post-11511312361949322332015-02-06T15:30:00.000-05:002015-02-06T15:44:56.060-05:00Looking Back What up, blog world? Once again I am a failure at keeping this updated? What in the world has happened to me? I used to blog all the time. I’d like to say I vow this year to write more, but who am I kidding? I only hop on here every six months or so. <br />
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These past three months have been a whirlwind of changes. I have mentioned before, I am so not a fan of changes. Some have been great, some have been bad. In the middle of November, I left my job @ the hospital. I had applied to work back with the government and after a long waiting period, I got the call offering me a job. This job was in Anderson which is where my church is located. Anderson is also where I volunteer. It’s also more than $2/hr and it’s working back with Medicaid. I excitedly told my new manager yes three times that I would take the position. <br />
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Shortly after I started, I found this great place to live. It’s in the heart of downtown and literally across the street from my job. It is a lovely 2 bedroom apartment. I just love it so much. I reveled at the fact that I was moving closer to my church family. I loved that I would be more available to help extra at the church or babysit for some of the kids that I teach. Little did I know that I would be the one who would need the help of my church family. <br />
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On Christmas day, I was carrying out a basket full of presents to the car. It wasn’t a heavy basket, but as I was carrying it, I felt a very sharp shooting pain down the back of my left leg and almost immediately my foot went numb. I did think it was weird, but it seemed to go away. I enjoyed the day with minimal pain after that. The next day I couldn’t walk at all. The shooting pain was now going down the back of both of my legs. Do you know how scary it is to experience pain so bad that you can’t walk at all? I had experienced back pain in the past on a quarterly basis, but this was nothing I had ever experienced. I knew something was horribly wrong. I vowed to spend the day nursing whatever was going on with lots of rest and medicine round the clock. At one point the pain was so bad to stand, I had to drop down to my hands and knees and crawl from the bedroom to the living room. Nothing seemed to help. When I woke up the next morning, the pain was still there but had worsened. I finally made the decision to go to the ER. <br />
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The ER had taken an xray and said they found nothing wrong, but sent me home with some pain pills, muscle relaxers, and a steroid and told me to follow up with my doctor for MRI. I got in with my doctor a few days later and had my MRI scheduled for two weeks away. The MRI determined that I have a bulging disc and Spinal Stenosis. The report mentioned SEVERE spinal stenosis. I was referred to a neurosurgeon. My appt is 2/9. <br />
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During the time in between the ER and just last week, I had to learn to stop being so stubborn about asking and accepting help. There was so much I couldn’t do any more. Even the simple task of cleaning out my cat’s litter box caused immense pain. My church family was with me every step of the way. From taking me to the ER, to grocery shopping, taking out my garbage, cleaning out Toffee’s box, taking me to doctor’s appt, and bringing me food. Even my new coworkers helped me by picking me up for work or getting me some coffee. I was shown what community was really like. It has all been very humbling. I am so thankful for all of them. I am also thankful that I listened to God by asking for or accepting help. I wouldn’t have been able to survive without any of the help I received. <br />
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So, what now? Looking back at why I’m having such trouble with my back, I’m quite positive it’s because of my weight. And I am honestly so mad at myself for never really being too serious about losing weight. I have been obese all of my life. I can never look back and remember myself being thin. But now I worry…is it too late to change? Have I ruined my back forever by being so overweight? Am I never going to experience what it’s like to walk normal again? Is this my new normal? Am I going to have to live on pain pills the rest of my life? Is surgery in my future? I don’t know the answer to any of these questions. My mind is overwhelmed with these questions. <br />
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I have really been in a funk lately with this back stuff. I am so thankful for everyone’s help, but I miss my independence desperately. I miss just being able to grocery shop as well as other little things. And although I haven’t voiced this to a lot of people, my depression is rearing its ugly head. I don’t want to be someone who is in chronic pain or someone who has to live on pain pills. I realize people live like this every day and I’m not judging them for that. But I don’t want to be included in that category. I don’t do well with medicine in general and pain pills just make me so groggy. If I could turn back time to amend this weight situation knowing what I know now, I would. But I can’t. And it may be too late to fix anything. I am willing to try everything before succumbing to surgery. That is a last option. <br />
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I find myself holding onto Jesus’ hand more now than ever. I am scared of what my future holds and clinging on to Jesus is about the only thing that is going to get me through. I know He hears my cries and He sees my pain.I know He knows how worried I am. And I know He knows the future and no matter what happens, I will be okay. <br />
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“Faith is the bird that sings when the dawn is still dark.” <br />
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~Unknown <br />
Brandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15244091355354504471noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1311601819884287972.post-37448657729308520592014-08-25T20:05:00.002-04:002014-08-25T20:08:35.936-04:00What the Future HoldsBlogger world! What's crack-a-lackin'? This blog has been horribly neglected. Horribly. I constantly think about all these things to blog about, but can never seem to get my thoughts straight. I'm going to try to convey what is going on in my life the best I can.<br />
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My last post, I wrote about finally finishing up my pre-reqs for the nursing program. I took this semester off and was going to hopefully start the program (If I got in) in January. Here is where everything stands, the deadline to apply for the winter semester is September 1st.<br />
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Have I taken my TEAS nursing test? No. Therefore, I haven't applied for the program and won't be applying for the winter semester. You might ask why isn't this done as I'm not one to procrastinate. This time off of school has made me realize that I don't want to be a nurse. In all honestly, I really just feel that it's become an unattainable goal. And because my thoughts has come to this, I just don't want to pursue it anymore. I began looking at other options like being a LPN or a Medical Assistant. And at least once a week, someone tells me I would be a good teacher or social worker. Then I thought maybe God has been trying to tell me something this entire time about my future and I just never listened until now. I went to my school's website and pulled up the course tracks for different areas I was looking at to see what it would take to acquire some sort of degree. They all have about the same amount of classes. After looking through everything, the truth is I have no idea what I want do with my life. I just want to help people. God put me on this Earth for that reason and it's all I really want to do. <br />
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I know some of you reading this are probably saying to yourself, "Brandy, you've come so far, you have to finish and get your nursing degree." I know that, I realize how far I've come, how long it has taken me to get this far. I am also my harshest critic and feel like a complete failure for choosing not to go the nursing route. But if my heart is no longer in the game, there's no point in pursing it any further. I know that if I were to pursue nursing with my heart not being in the right place, it will just make things worse. So, at least I'm trying to be smart with it. But please try to understand where I am coming from. You haven't gone through what I've gone through with school. I do realize a lot of the lengthy schooling as been my fault, but it's still not easy to swallow. <br />
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Am I choosing to pursue another area of study? Not at this time. I've rather enjoyed my time off from school and I'm currently in the process of looking for a new job. I've needed a new job for awhile, but constantly put it off because of school. I just didn't want to quit one job, get a new one, only to quit that job to pursue school. But I've toughed it out as much as I could with my current job and I just can't do it anymore. Right now, I'm choosing happiness over school. I recently reapplied to work back with the government. One of the positions I applied for is similar to what I did in Arizona. I am praying my resume at least gets looked at. This job is about $9K more a year. And that would tremendously help and I would even be able to possibly pay for school if I decide to pursue further education in the future. <br />
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So there you have it. No school for the time being. <br />
<br />Brandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15244091355354504471noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1311601819884287972.post-34498483684513771862014-06-10T22:06:00.000-04:002014-06-10T22:06:02.965-04:00Hello, is anyone there?Has it really been 5 months since my last post? I miss the days where I would blog frequently. I really should be updating more. Writing is such a good release. So much has happened in the past five months.<br />
<br />
The big thing is I FINALLY finished my pre-reqs for the nursing program. Yowza! It has been a long time coming. I've gotten so discouraged along the way. So much so that if I passed this semester, I was considering on being done with school all together. Once I found out that I passed, I was still left with a huge question mark as to if I was going to continue or not. I was standing at a fork in the road. Just so sick of school, but not wanting it all to be a waste. All for nothing. Then last week, I got something in the mail. Something I believe was God's affirmation to keep going. I received a technical certificate for finishing all my core pre-reqs. It was so unexpected and so much needed. Once the confusion cleared up as to why I was receiving the certificate, I just started crying. I needed that piece of paper more than I can explain. So, I am pursing the nursing program. I need to apply by September in hopes of starting in January.<br />
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Have I ever mentioned that I'm so not big on change? Starting a nursing program is a big change in itself, but if that happens, I will have to quit my job. I'll probably have to live with someone, practically rent free, learning to go to school full time and only work part time. It's always been the other way around. Lots and lots of changes. If I start thinking about it too much, I start to get overwhelmed. My thoughts start to take over and it all becomes way too much to process.<br />
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In the midst of all this change, there is another factor that may be involved. Another possible change. One that I'm not quite ready to talk about yet. But it is another thing to process on on top of everything. <br />
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But through it all, I'm choosing to trust God. No matter how scared the thoughts of my future may be. I'm choosing to trust the One who will take care of it all.<br />
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I feel that God is doing something in my life right now, something bigger than I had ever imagined, something that I'm not sure I'm ready for. It's taking everything in me not to run far, far away. That is my adult way to handling things. Lol. When things get too rough, it doesn't take much for me to cut my losses and walk away. I've hardened my heart so much to hurt from different situations, I know how to protect myself. But I feel I am slowly freeing myself from the wall. Bit by bit, little by little the wall is starting to break. Perhaps I am like the caterpillar that has gone into it's cocoon to mature. Just like the caterpillar, my body, my mind is changing and I'm just about to break out of my cocoon and ready to spread my wings. <br />
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Eeeeekkkk! So much change going on. But again, I'm trying not to focus on that. I'm just choosing to love and trust my Jesus through it all. <br />
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One step, one day at a time, right? <br />
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<div class="copy-paste-block">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span class="bqQuoteLink">"All
changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we
leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before
we can enter another."</span></div>
<div class="bq-aut" style="text-align: center;">
Anatole France</div>
<span></span></div>
Brandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15244091355354504471noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1311601819884287972.post-42104990597010723662014-01-05T19:23:00.002-05:002014-01-05T19:23:41.242-05:00The Tattoo on my ArmI have a tattoo on my left forearm. It's a simple tattoo, small. It's two initials outlined in hearts. The two initial would be B and N for Brandy and Nikki. Nikki is my little sister. Step-sister actually. But she's the one I am closest to even though we don't talk much. She has the same tattoo on her foot. The purple outline is because we were both born in February and Amethyst is our birthstone.<br />
<br />
Early in December, I got a text from my little brother to call him as soon as I could that it was about Nikki. When I called him he told me she was in the hospital due to her doing drugs and her liver was shutting down. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Drugs? I mean I knew she smoked pot, but I knew nothing more. So I was caught off guard. But I was still skeptical and wanted to hear it from her mouth. She wasn't telling anyone what happened and I wasn't getting any answers. So the next day, I found 4 different hospitals in two cites as to where she might be. I found her at the fourth hospital. When the operator told me she was connecting me to her room, I teared up.<br />
<br />
She didn't want to tell me what happened and I told her that was okay. That whether she told me or not, I still loved her. Because that is all that really matters. She wound up telling what my brother had told me and confirmed that it was due to drugs, particularly Meth. I kept telling her I loved her no matter what, but through tears pleaded with her to seek help because I couldn't bear to lose my little sister.<br />
<br />
She was discharged a few days later and I haven't heard from her since. I have tried calling, texting. No response. My brother hasn't heard from her either. I know she's still alive as she's posting on FB. But she's ignoring us, her family. And to be honest, my heart is completely broken about everything. I hate that I am not near her to try to help her. I can't stop thinking about her, praying about her, wondering where she is. Wondering if she's okay, wondering if she's alive. I get a sense of relief when I see a post on Facebook even if it's about something regarding pot. It means she's still breathing. My thoughts are so consumed with her that I can't think straight, sometimes can't function, can't sleep. I've learned how to deal with alcohol. And although Meth and alcohol are both considered drugs, this Meth chapter is a whole new thing to process. It's very uncharted waters for me. <br />
<br />
Please pray for my sister. Pray for her to get off the drugs completely. I don't know what else to do but pray.<br />
<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
Brandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15244091355354504471noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1311601819884287972.post-44830312645169156492013-06-29T09:00:00.003-04:002013-06-29T09:00:32.931-04:00Where Are You? <!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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Where Are You?</div>
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Five years ago I heard about a website titled FutureMe.org.
It’s a website where you can send yourself an email to your future self. I
can’t remember the time frames you can choose from, but for some reason I chose
for the email to be sent today…five years later. </div>
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<br /></div>
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And I completely forgot about the email. I even forgot about
the website. Until today. Today I got an email from FutureMe. At first, I
thought it was spam, but then I realized what it was.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The first sentence says, “The following in an
email from the past, composed 4 years and 12 months ago, on June 28, 2008.” I
had titled the email, “Where are you?”</div>
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Five years ago:</div>
<br />
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>I still lived in Arizona.</li>
<li> I still worked for the government.<span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"></span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"></span></span></span>Moving back to Indiana wasn’t even on my radar.</li>
<li><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>I idolized someone so much, I put them before
God.<span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"></span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"></span></span></span>I admitted to my depression struggles and put
myself in counseling.<span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"></span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"></span></span></span>My mother was still alive. </li>
</ul>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Wow, it's crazy what can happen in five years. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Here’s most of the email I sent to myself five years ago.</div>
<div align="right" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: right;">
<span style="color: purple;"><i>Dear Future Me:</i></span></div>
<span style="color: purple;"><i>
</i></span><div align="right" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: right;">
<span style="color: purple;"><i>Where are you living?
Are you still living in the United States or did you finally make your dream of
becoming a missionary in South American a reality? </i></span></div>
<span style="color: purple;"><i>
</i></span><div align="right" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: right;">
<span style="color: purple;"><i>Are you even alive? If
so, what have you done with your life? </i></span></div>
<span style="color: purple;"><i>
</i></span><div align="right" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: right;">
<span style="color: purple;"><i>I hope by the time you
read this, you’re fulfilling your dream. </i></span></div>
<span style="color: purple;"><i>
</i></span><div align="right" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: right;">
<span style="color: purple;"><i>Where are you in your
faith? Have you made God proud?</i></span></div>
<span style="color: purple;"><i>
</i></span><div align="right" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: right;">
<span style="color: purple;"><i>Do you still even
believe in God? At the time of writing this letter you are fighting your demons
every day. They win a lot. </i></span></div>
<span style="color: purple;"><i>
</i></span><div align="right" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: right;">
<span style="color: purple;"><i>Have you brought anyone
to Jesus? Have you spoken to people about Jesus? I hope you have. </i></span></div>
<span style="color: purple;"><i>
</i></span><div align="right" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: right;">
<span style="color: purple;"><i>I think when you read
this, you should journal about it. </i></span></div>
<span style="color: purple;"><i>
</i></span><div align="right" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: right;">
<span style="color: purple;"><i>Pay attention to your
life, every little detail. </i></span></div>
<span style="color: purple;"><i>
</i></span><div align="right" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: right;">
<span style="color: purple;"><i>You never know when
you’re going to die; only God knows this.</i></span> </div>
<div align="right" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: right;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I left a few personal things about because it’s water under
the bridge. The email was short, but it hit home in a lot of ways. Do I still
dream about being a missionary? Yes, and God has opened my eyes to a whole
bigger world in South Africa. But to be honest, I feel in a lot of ways that my
mission field is right here in Indiana. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Since I have yet to become a nurse, I would say that I’m
still fulfilling my dream of being a nurse. I’ve wanted to throw in the towel
many times, but I kept on going. Slow and steady wins the race, right? I hope that's the case. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A few things struck a chord with me. The question asking if
I was still alive and if I still even believe in God. Whew! Knowing where my
mind was five years ago, I knew why I had said that. Depression had taken over
my life and I was beginning to lose hope. Wow, that seems so long ago. I still
have my struggles with it, but it’s nothing like it was back then. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Have I made God proud? Have I talked about Jesus? Have I
brought people to Jesus? I hope the answer to these questions are yes. Because
now and till the end of my life, I want nothing more than to have God beam with
pride at the thought of my name.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And for
Him to say, “You did good, Bran!”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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I’m going to send some more emails to myself; it’s always
good to reflect back. </div>
<br /><br />
Brandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15244091355354504471noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1311601819884287972.post-51813749869821087392013-05-14T08:11:00.001-04:002013-05-14T08:22:34.881-04:00Behind the scenesOne of my resolutions for 2013 was to volunteer outside of church. I just felt like I needed to be doing more in my life as I feel God has truly wired me to be a servant for Him. In my life, I've volunteered with different organizations like the local homeless ministry or Food for the Hungry. I've met great people working with these organizations.<br />
<br />
Sometime last year, I began to feel like something was missing in my life. I felt God nudging me to do more. He knows my heart better than anyone and He knows how full my heart feels when I show His love to others. That is when I decided to start looking for an organization to volunteer my time with. Since my mother's passing, I've wanted to do something working with victims of domestic violence to honor her. I did look locally for a shelter, but I wasn't able to locate one in my city. Then in December, I heard a radio ad for a shelter in Anderson. As soon as I got home, I went on their website and signed up to volunteer. I was excited about this, yet scared as well. I knew my time here would bring up emotions I wasn't prepared to deal with.<br />
<br />
On my birthday, I met with the volunteer coordinator of the shelter. I told her Saturdays would work best for me and I'd be willing to assist with whatever was needed. She said she really needed someone to work with the kids on a biweekly basis and not that many volunteers helped with the kids. I felt a grin across my face as I told her that would be perfect for me. I wasn't expecting to be emotional during my interview, but she asked what made me chose them, what made me choose to volunteer with a domestic violence shelter. I choked back my tears as I briefly told her that my mother was a victim and I wanted to do something to honor her memory. It was all suddenly setting in.<br />
<br />
She gave me a tour of the facility, explained the help they provided. It's a massive facility that not only had emergency housing, but it also had transitional housing. The tears slowly came down my cheeks as she showed me the preschool located in the shelter and explained to me that it got it's name from a little boy who was killed by his father. A precious painting hanging on the wall of his little hand prints. This shelter also provides assistance to women who have been sexually assaulted. As she showed me the exam room, she pointed out all the technology gadgets they use now to exam a woman who has been assaulted. This room is also to exam children who have been molested. And more tears crept down my face as she showed me a bench with a few teddy bears. She said they have had an influx of children coming in recently and they were low on teddy bears. Oh my heart was hurting. When I left, I just sat in my car and cried. Part of me wanted to run away, because this was more emotional than I anticipated in all aspects. But I felt God saying He's equipped me to do this and He knows that I can handle the situation.<br />
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My first day of volunteering was spent mostly watching videos that are required as part of my training. Various movies about domestic violence, rape, and abuse of children. The beginning of one video was just a black screen and in the background you hear an actual 911 call from a child whose mother was being beaten in the background. You hear the beating, the actual beating. You hear the fighting, you hear the kid scream as his mother falls down the stairs (which you hear as well) and then the child screams even louder that his mommy is dead. This video left me sobbing. I mean really sobbing, the kind where you can't catch your breath and your nose is snotting everywhere. I was never witness to my mother's abuse because of my upbringing with my grandparents. So this video was brutal for me to hear, I just couldn't imagine being in that position. <br />
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I figured the tears would be done after that, but the next Saturday I was there, I encountered a little boy who is all of five years old. The old oldest of three kids. In my time of taking care of children throughout my life, he's one of the most difficult ones I've encountered. He smacked his three year old sister in the face and called her a b***h. At first, I admit to being annoyed how out of control this boy was. But then it hit me, all he knows is hitting girls and calling them names. My heart began to hurt desperately as I began to imagine what his little eyes have seen in his short time here on earth. Probably more than I'll see in my entire life. I decided that no matter what happened with him, I was going to love him, give him extra attention. He doesn't make it easy by any means, but that's okay. It may not be easy, but he's worth EVERY minute of my time. He actually allowed me to help him a few weeks ago, he was quiet and content as we tried to put a puzzle "ball" together. That quiet time with him reminded me how innocent he still is.<br />
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I so look forward to my time there, even if it's just a few hours every other Saturday. But when I leave, I sit in my car and I cry. I cry for that little boy and his siblings, I cry for the mother and her two small children I assisted in checking in because she was seeking a safe place to escape her abusive boyfriend, I cry because I wish I had helped my mother more, I cry because I'm so thankful a place like this exists. I cry because I don't know if I could have helped my mother more than I tried, but I can help someone else who has been in that situation.<br />
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Honoring her memory of being a domestic violence victim.</div>
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Honoring God and His words when He told me I could do this. </div>
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Even when there are days where I'm not so sure. </div>
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<i>RIP Mom</i></div>
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Brandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15244091355354504471noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1311601819884287972.post-13127949137433117482013-01-14T06:51:00.001-05:002013-01-14T06:54:20.252-05:00Moving OnI am someone who actually enjoys the job I do. Sure the pay isn't the greatest, but in the big scheme of things, money is not so important. To me loving a job is about enjoying what you do, taking pride in what you do, and building relationships with your customers (both external and internal). Although I don't deal with customers face-to-face, I take pride in speaking with them. It's the best part of my job, even if I only have them on the phone for 5 minutes. I also take pride in building relationships in the people I work with (again internally and externally).<br />
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But there's this one person where building a relationship has proved to be one of the hardest things I think I have ever done. Killing her with kindness has not worked. Practicing teamwork has not worked. Ignoring her has not worked. She is honestly the most hateful person I have ever encountered in my entire life thus far. We are on the same team together. She's very condescending and rude to everyone, she's constantly saying hateful comments under her breath (but still loud enough for everyone to see), she goes behind and checks my work, and she's constantly proving she knows everything better than I do. She spends her day "researching things" that me or other coworkers have done wrong (Okay, usually not even wrong, it's things that we don't do her way, so it's wrong!). She spends so much time doing that, she leaves her work for me to do. She's beyond rude to insurance companies and none of the clinics want to work with her because she's so rude.<br />
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She's had me in the bathroom crying three times because she has talked to me like I'm such a dog and I honestly feel that I can't say anything back to her. I feel like I would be fired even though she breaks every single one of our standards. She's the definition of an office bully. No one likes her. And since she constantly feels the need to "show me up", I'm starting to constantly feel like I'm failure. Me feeling like a failure = my depression coming out. She feeds into my depression like no other. I realize that I can choose not to let her affect my feelings. But that is easier said than done. I struggle with feeling like a failure just for myself. But someone else feeding into that (And doing it every single day) is too much. I've brought it up to management numerous times. I've even been in their office crying my eyes out because I truly love my job, but she's making me miserable. I no longer enjoy my job solely because of her. But I'm starting to see that her seniority takes priority. She doesn't get talked to about anything. Although my concerns are listened to by management, that's all that happens. Listening. <br />
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I just can't take it anymore. </div>
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I am mentally beaten up because of her. </div>
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I've been praying for a change, really praying she just retires. But I now feel that God has in store for me to leave. He know how my whole being is being broken down because of her. I trust God and I know he has something in store for me, but it's sucks (pardon my language) because I love that job. But, I'm going to work on obtaining another job and just leave that position quietly. If I happen to find a job outside of the company I am with, that will sadden me as I want to stay with them. But I'll then let HR know why I left a company that I truly enjoyed working for. Maybe once I'm gone, they'll see.</div>
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And so the search begins...again. *Sigh*</div>
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Brandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15244091355354504471noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1311601819884287972.post-29419132166769198312012-12-31T21:55:00.004-05:002012-12-31T21:55:42.788-05:00Losing Focus I can't believe it's the end of 2012. Where the heck has the year gone?!? This year completely flew by. As I look back at 2012, it was filled with good, bad, and ugly. I think a lot of the bad and ugly became that way because of the way I reacted to the things happening around me. I don't do change well. When I get back lash from something, I tend to internalize everything thinking it's my fault and letting the guilt of whatever eat away at me. Sometimes that depression monster rears it's ugly head and takes over my entire world. All this stuff got a hold of me this past year. <br />
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For the past few weeks, I've been very introverted with my thoughts. God is definitely doing some stirring in this soul of mine. I read a quote a few months ago that really seems to be stuck in my head. The quote is from Arthur Rubinstein. It's not a long quote, but so much meaning in the words.<br />
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<span style="color: red;"><i>"I have found that if you love life, life will love you back."</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: red;"><span style="color: black;">I have really been praying about that. Do I hate my life? No, not by any means. But I have spent more time this year complaining to God instead of thanking Him for all he's done. God knows everything in my heart, good and bad. But I was spending so much time focusing on the bad, the good got left on the wayside. After awhile the good just didn't seem to matter any more because in my head, the bad outweighed everything. Another thing that has been brought to mind lately is that I've become a boastful person. I used to never be like that, I never wanted credit for anything. But lately, I have been giving myself credit, instead of the one who deserves it more than me...God. How did that happen? Did I get completely caught up in the world? Completely caught up in myself? Perhaps it was both. Either way, deep down, I do not like the person I am becoming. And I need to change...like yesterday. Funny, I just said I didn't do change well and here I am saying I need to change. </span></span></div>
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<span style="color: red;"><span style="color: black;">I don't know where to start to get myself back to the way I was before. There's no checklist for this to get my life back on track for God. I know it needs to start with me and I know that I need God's Word to help me along the way. Every day, I am choosing to love life. Good, bad, and ugly, love it all. Because it's the only life we have and God didn't put us on this earth not to enjoy every minute of it. Sure, there will be bad times and there's always some ugly. But how I choose to react to the situation is what's going to be the kicker for me. Really looking back at 2012, I have been crazy blessed many times by God. No need to focus on the past nor the negative. Everything that happened was all part of God's plan. </span></span></div>
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<span style="color: red;"><span style="color: black;">I have a whole list of resolutions for the new year, but I'm not going to post them as they are private to me, but I know one thing. All things will revolve around the one who gave me life. Because I really want to suppress the "me, me, me" thoughts and fill them with "God, God, God" thoughts. </span></span></div>
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<b><i><span style="color: red;"><span style="color: black;">More now than ever. </span></span></i></b></div>
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<b><i><span style="color: red;"><span style="color: black;">More of Him, less of me. </span></span></i></b></div>
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<b><i><span style="color: red;"><span style="color: black;">The way it needs to be. </span></span></i></b></div>
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<span style="color: red;"><span style="color: black;">Goodbye 2012, I bid you goodbye. Hello 2013 and the blessings it brings! </span><i><br /></i></span></div>
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<i> </i></div>
Brandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15244091355354504471noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1311601819884287972.post-2052897163454405242012-10-29T22:53:00.000-04:002012-10-29T22:56:10.213-04:00The Fish in the SeaFor so long, I was okay with being single. I always admired Paul in the Bible for being one of Jesus' biggest fans. God had special plans for him and Paul stayed single till the end of his life. I've always said I could serve God better while I'm single. But for the last 8 months or so, my heart has started longing to be in a relationship with a Godly man. I suppose it's because everyone around me is in a relationship or married or on the way to being married. I don't go anywhere to meet people so I decided to try the online thing again. I've been scared to do it since I actually had a stalker situation a long time ago. Sadly to say, his actions have scarred me for a long time. And getting around this wall I've put up isn't easy.<br />
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Although I haven't actually met anyone in person from online sites, I've talked to a few, given them my numbers. Bleah, bleah, bleah. It's all quite...exhausting really. I hate the whole process of getting to know someone online. Guys say they are interested in getting to know me, I start to open up even just a little, then they show their true colors. And I'm left thanking God we never actually met, but also wondering, "What the heck is wrong with me?" I'll rack my brain wondering where I went wrong. Perhaps I'm the pyscho one and I just don't see it. Really though, I'm the most average person in the entire world. I'm pretty easy to get along with, I don't have any baggage with me. But again, maybe they see me as psycho. Who knows? It's really starting to give me a complex unfortunately. <br />
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Today, I was pushed over the edge and decided to be done with online sites all together. I started talking to a guy about 2 weeks ago. We've been emailing, then it went to texting. I told him I would make the first call when I was ready to talk to him. I decided to do that this past Friday. It's pretty clear this man is looking to "wife" someone up and it was bothering me how he pushed the want to remarry and have children. He even went so far as to ask if I would be willing to put my education or career on hold to have children. That really bothered me because I have the accepted the fact I probably won't have children because I'm not getting any younger. I didn't tell him that and I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. And he wanted to talk to me on the phone everyday when I specifically told him I didn't like talking on the phone too much. I was just about to tell him he needed to slow down and then he text me this morning and said he had met someone else and they had started dating. I didn't respond back, what was I supposed to say? Although I was about to tell him to slow down and possibly reject him, he rejected me first and it still hurt. All I could do is just delete his number.<br />
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God knows what is on my heart and I'm working on re-understanding that it may not be in His plan for me to have a mate. For so long, the only man I wanted in my life was God. I need to get back to that thinking. He's really the only thing I need.<br />
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<i><span class="text 1Cor-7-32" id="en-NIV-28520">"I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord.</span> <span class="text 1Cor-7-33" id="en-NIV-28521">But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife—</span> <span class="text 1Cor-7-34" id="en-NIV-28522">and
his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned
about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both
body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband.</span><sup> </sup></i><span class="text 1Cor-7-35" id="en-NIV-28523"><i><sup class="versenum"> </sup>I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord." 1Corinthians 7:32-35</i></span></div>
<br />Brandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15244091355354504471noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1311601819884287972.post-10225482491937191622012-08-19T20:57:00.000-04:002012-08-19T21:00:03.217-04:00It's Been Awhile...I've neglected this blog for so long. I've got so much to say, yet nothing to say at all. When I do get on here, I can't seem to get the many thoughts that are swimming around my head out into words. They all become mumbled together and I'm left sitting here staring at my computer screen. But I need to start writing again, blogging has always been an outlet for me.<br />
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2012 has been a pretty hard year on me so far, depression wise. I have no regrets about moving back home, but making new friends has been the most difficult part. I have a few friends that I have made, but no one that I can really open up to 100%. Opening up to people about my personal life is so very difficult for me. It's not something that everyone is privy to. If you've know me for awhile, you know that I'm a social person. I thrive on relationships, I need to be around people. Although I do enjoy my alone time as well, but lately all I've had is alone time. Which in my book is way too much time with my thoughts. I've tried to be social, but everyone has lives of their own. People say we'll do something, we'll hang out, but then it doesn't happen. I eventually stopped asking, I couldn't take the rejection any more. For awhile, my routine was just getting up, going to the gym, going to work, and then home. Fridays and Saturday nights spent hanging out alone, sometimes ordering pizza and praying that delivery person didn't think I was such a loser. <br />
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The devil plays on my weakness, plays on the thoughts that come to mind. The rejection, the loneliness, the feeling of being invisible. He loves when those things consume my every thought. Because when those come to mind, the depression starts to seep in. My entire mindset changes and my thoughts become thoughts of darkness, thoughts of wanting to hurt myself, thoughts of ending it all. Life becomes overwhelming. When I really start getting away from God, my life goes in chaos. Isn't it funny how that works out? And even just three months ago, my life had become chaotic and I had strayed so far away from the one who gives me life. <br />
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Ah, but this post can't be all about "Woe is me," now can it? Although I'm not very open about my struggles with depression, etc, there was one weekend where I felt no problem sharing the craziness in my head. I am not one to come right out and tell a complete stranger that I'm struggling. If and when I do tell someone I'm struggling, it's generally one of the few handful of people that have been with me through it all. After a year of searching for a home church, I was mentally exhausted from just exploring the churches, etc. I couldn't do it any more. I had gotten involved in a church near my dad's house, but never felt like I belonged there. The lady I work out with invited me to her church in Anderson. The first weekend I came, they were doing a series called "Baggage". They talked about a few different baggage areas we all possess, with the following weekends sermon being on depression. I sat in that pew knowing that God had put me in that church at that very moment for a reason.<br />
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The next weekend, I fought not wanting to go to church. I really was not wanting to go. I don't know if it was me not wanting to face that yet again, I had let depression take over my life. Or if the devil was putting those thoughts inside my head that I didn't need to hear the sermon, and I was fine. Maybe it was both, either way I knew I wasn't fine and I knew I had gotten into a deep, deep depression. I knew I was getting close to the point where I would have to put myself in counseling again. But alas, I got in my car, fighting my thoughts the entire way to church. Even fighting them in the parking lot. I forced myself out of the car, put a smile on my face, and pretended that I was so excited to be in yet a new church with new people all going, "I don't think I know you."<br />
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The music was all acapella and it sounded so beautiful to me. If I hadn't been sitting with lady who invited me, I would have cried the entire time. But you know me, I'm not about to let anyone to see my weakness, tears included. I held it together like I always do like a champ! It's pretty sad, I've gotten so good at holding tears in that I call myself a champ. Years of practice has got me there. But I digress...when the sermon ended, I felt God telling me that it was okay to let someone in, that someone being the pastor. Through my fighting, I kept hearing Him tell me that no harm or judgement would come my way if I just let this person in on what I'm dealing with. "It's okay, my child, TRUST ME." That kept playing over and over again in my head, even 10 years later, I still struggle with trusting God. <br />
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That night, I sat down and wrote a very long and detailed email to the pastor about how I struggled with depression and the want to cut myself (Something a lot of people don't know about, not even family. Well, I guess you know now!). I still didn't know why I was writing the email, but I was just following my "orders". He vowed to help me as much as he could, and said the elders would help me as well. He asked if it was okay to share my email with the elders so they could pray for me and I said yes. At that moment, I didn't feel invisible, I felt part of a community even though I was so new. Something about opening up to him made something inside of my head "click" and slowly I began to pull myself out of the funk I had gotten into. Maybe I just needed to talk it out with someone who was not in my "world", someone who was an outsider. I'm not okay, I'll never be okay. Depression will always be with me, but I can manage it 80% of the time, it's the other 20% that really knocks me down. Each time I saw the elders, they would always ask me how I'm doing, I know their prayers were working because I was feeling back to "normal", whatever that may be for me.<br />
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I am completely immersed in this church now doing Bible study, volunteering, tithing, getting to know everyone, and working on getting my membership. I am working on getting back into my Bible reading and honestly praying for people. And I have to say working their VBS was the most alive I've felt in over a year. Those kids, their laughter, their songs, their little bitty fingers holding my adult hand, just filled my heart with so much love and joy. One night during VBS, I hear God saying once again, "See? Trusting me isn't as bad as you always make it out to be. And I still love you no matter what, even when you stray. I never leave your side, never." That's what is great about God's grace and mercy, it never runs out. Even when I screw up like I do, which is quite numerous at times. God's love remains faithful.<br />
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“Grace is the central invitation to life and the final word. It's the
beckoning nudge and the overwhelming, undeserved mercy that urges us to
change and grow, and then gives us the power to pull it off.” -Tim
Hansel </div>
Brandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15244091355354504471noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1311601819884287972.post-58325253057109670072012-02-10T23:44:00.001-05:002012-02-10T23:49:41.221-05:00Hello 35!In less than 30 minutes, I will become another year older. I will be 35. I can't believe I'm here. When I was younger, 35 was SO OLD. And now that I'm almost there, it really doesn't seem bad at all. I don't feel 35, heck many people tell me I look like I'm in my 20's. I even had one woman wonder a few weeks ago if I was even old enough to drink. Boy, that made me feel good! :)<br />
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I am feeling a number of things with my birthday approaching. Feelings of contentment, feelings of being more grown up, feelings of anxiety, feelings of happiness, feelings of sadness. There's a million things running through my mind right now. It such a mixture of emotions and I'm on the verge of tears for so many reasons. <br />
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Where is year 35 going to lead me? I have no idea, only God knows that. Things I want to accomplish in my 35th year of life are below. I guess they are resolutions of sorts. But I vowed not to make any resolutions this year. So I'm going to say they are things I look forward to:<br />
<ul><li>Get back to God. I drifted further away than I care to admit. I'm struggling with my faith. I have not lost faith in God, but lost faith in myself. I feel utterly alone in my spiritual walk and I'm not very good at holding myself accountable. God has been put on the back burner. I need to get back into the Word, need to get involved in a Bible Study and I need to find people who will hold me accountable and challenge me in my faith. How can I be a light for God to other people when I can't even be a light to myself? I also need to get back to serving outside of church, my heart is wired to serve and I'm lost by not doing here. </li>
<li>Continue on this journey of working out. I have not idea how much I have lost. I wish I could sit here and say so many pounds. I am sure I have lost some, but not weighing myself on a constant basis. I know that I am busting my butt at the gym 4-5 times a week. Not let my doctor get me down and know that I'm trying to do the best I can every week. I want to like myself, which is not something I have done for a long time. I can tell you right now, it's one of the hardest journey's I've ever been on. </li>
<li>Strengthen the relationships I do have in my life. I have a hand full of close friends, the number seems to decrease every year. Invest in these relationships with all I have, these people are worth every ounce of my energy.</li>
<li>Genuinely love everyone, where they are at that moment in time. This is not always easy for me, but I would want the same for me, to be loved unconditionally. </li>
<li>Blog more! It may seem something small and simple, but writing is an outlet for me. I've kept so many things bottled up in this head of mine, I'm surprised I haven't exploded yet. </li>
<li>Make an honest effort to get out there and meet someone, whether it be through church, work, or online. Not be afraid of putting myself out there. I vowed I wouldn't ever open up my heart to someone again, but I can't live life like this. I can't live so close-guarded and afraid of my heart getting broken. God will bring the right man along and if I keep that wall up, I might miss the opportunity to have him in my life. </li>
<li>Explore my state with my new camera and explore my love of photography more. There's so much to see here, I see things every day I should be taking pictures of. </li>
<li>Read more, pray more, love more, laugh more, dance more. I just want more...of everything. </li>
</ul>Here's to 35 and may it be the best year yet!Brandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15244091355354504471noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1311601819884287972.post-6246793425589608592011-11-24T16:13:00.001-05:002011-12-04T21:38:25.663-05:00Thank you<div style="font-family: inherit; text-align: center;">**Every year about Thanksgiving, I post this post. Sometimes I edit it and sometimes I just leave it the way it is. It's a reminder of where I've been and how far I've come.**<br />
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God,<br />
Thank you for everything you continue to do for me. Thank you for loving me even when I screw up. Your love is like nothing I have ever felt.<br />
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I don't say thank you enough for sending Jesus to die for my sins and I'm sorry for that. I forget about the cross on my neck sometimes, forget why I wear it. God, thank you for never letting me walk away from you 100%, you always manage to pull me back when I get too far away from you. Thank you for stopping me, being my conscience when my "old self" comes out. You stop me from going backwards; force me to own up to my actions, no matter how bad it is.<br />
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Thank you for saving me and caring about me. No one has ever cared for me like you do. Why do you do it? There have been many times when I dishonored you. Your love is unconditional.<br />
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Thank you for assuring me that I'm gonna be alright when I don't seem to think so. Thank you for showing light in my sometimes dark world. I know that even now, while I'm struggling to fight off the depression, you are still here. Thank you for always welcoming me back to your arms when I stray off your path. I don't deserve this kind of love from you. Your love is so amazing, your grace and mercy is beyond my comprehension. Thank you for always having time for me, when my schedule is so busy, I have no time for you.<br />
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Thank you for allowing me to work in the healthcare field, proving that this is where my passion is, still, after all this time. Thank you for reminding that even with the huge paycut that I took, You still provide for my needs. <br />
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Thank you for sometimes "slapping me in the face" to make me open my eyes to see what You see. I can be so blind sometimes. Thank you for always keeping my eyes open and for wiring me to put others needs before myself. Thank you for times you've prompted me to feed a homeless person, check in on a friend, or whatever. I've been crazy blessed every time I've listened to You.<br />
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Thank you for making the person that I am. You made me this way for a reason. Thank you for showing me that my purpose is to serve you above everything. That right there is an honor, the highest to speak of.<br />
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Thank you for the fact that I can hear the sounds around me, like the sound of a child laughing, of the waves crashing against the shore. The sounds of people singing only for You in many languages. The sound of people crying out to you in adoration.<br />
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Thank you for my sight, through my eyes, I have seen your beauty in people as well as in nature, the world's pain, the smile of a loved one. I've seen You. I see you always.<br />
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Thank you for my sense of smell, I have smelled fresh green grass and the ocean air. I love to smell a baby's head, a puppy's breath, and orange blossoms. The smell of my grandmother's perfume on someone brings back so many memories. I have smelled the pages of an old Bible and loved it. They all remind me of you, God, somehow.<br />
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Thank you for my sense of touch, to me the most important sense I have. With this, I have felt the greatest hug from friends, the kiss on my hand from a stranger in need, the softness of a baby's cheek, the comfort of a warm blanket, a little one's hand tightly wrapped around my one finger, felt you in a breeze. I have felt my hands in yours. You're still holding my hands, I feel it more every day.<br />
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Thank you for blessing me with such awesome friends that I love dearly and hold very close to my heart. I take them for granted sometimes and forget to thank you for them also. These are the ones who show me you're still around when I can't find you. I'm blessed for old friendships rekindled, ones that will never die, and new ones that have been made. <br />
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Thank you for getting me out to Indiana. I feel like it took me forever to get back here and now that I'm back I see your hand through it all. My heart is so full of love by being back here. Thank you for strengthening the relationship I have with my father. I never knew that I could love him this much. It's all because of you.<br />
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I guess I get caught up in life and forget how blessed I am sometimes. I apologize for that. Thank you for opening my eyes to who You are 9years ago. Wow, it has been a ride, but I wouldn't change a thing.<br />
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Thank you for everything, I will be eternally grateful to you for what you have done in my life. And I'll continue to serve you in gratitude until I take my last breath.</div>Brandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15244091355354504471noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1311601819884287972.post-83789131685120679402011-09-05T09:16:00.000-04:002011-09-05T09:16:02.749-04:00A Whole Bunch of RandomnessI really couldn't think of a title for this post and there are numerous things to blog about. So randomness it is!<br />
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Job is going well. My brain was a little overloaded with all the information given me my first week. It's a lot to take in. I'm not overwhelmed to the point where I don't think I can do this job. Which is a good thing. I definitely think that my ten years of Medicaid experience helps me. In my job, I'm pre-registering patients for rehab appointments and then following through by verifying their coverage and benefits with their insurance. It's definitely going to be a job that will keep me busy! My first week seem to have flown by. The lady training me is very knowledgeable and patient. I'm thankful to have her as a trainer. <br />
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On the negative side, I don't know how, but I managed to catch a summer cold on Thursday. Friday seems to have pretty much a blur due to the wealth of information and my head being as clouded as it was. But like I always do, I managed to suck it up and concentrate on my job. I was thankful for the three day weekend to recover. I'm still struggling as of today, hoping tomorrow is better. I signed up for insurance last week and that means that as of 9/1, I'm fully insured by health insurance again. Hooray!<br />
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I am hoping to move out in a few months. I really don't know if I can afford living on my own, but I think if I find an apartment with all utilities paid, I could do it. It's beneficial to stay where I am, but in some ways I feel like I am burden on the finances. They say the water bill is high, I hear that I am a burden. They say the electricity bill is high, I hear that I am a burden. They say their food stamps were decreased, I hear there's still another mouth to feed. Yes, I know that's probably not the case, but that's what I struggle with on the depression side. I do try to conserve stuff, however adding a third person to an already stretched tight budget throws a wrench into everything. I would like to live closer to my job. As it stands, working in Muncie 5 days a week is 300 miles of driving for the entire week. It's a lot. That right there could save me some money. <br />
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We shall see how the paychecks go. I'm praying it works out.Brandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15244091355354504471noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1311601819884287972.post-4091810613937982622011-08-23T16:35:00.000-04:002011-08-23T16:35:33.359-04:00Change of 'TudeI always like to go through my old posts and re-read what I have written. It's a way of reflecting and to see what God has done. I noticed that my last three posts were a little down and woe is me. And it's okay to get like that sometimes, but it's definitely not okay to say in that rut. By the way, TS, I read your comment and I'm praying over what you said. :)<br />
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It's not going to do me any good to complain about things. <br />
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So, today I'm going to focus on the blessings. Yeah, blessings are a good thing. <br />
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Most people have heard this news, but for those of you who aren't on Facebook and only read this blog, as of Monday, the 29th, I will officially be employed again. Hooray! I was hired with Indiana University Health working for a hospital a few towns away. This is the biggest blessing to me! Not only will I have a job with a steady paycheck again, but I will also have health insurance & retirement. The job is nice, but for the longest time I've been going to school for nursing. I kept saying, "If I could just get my foot in the door with a medical facility". Knowing I would have to take a cut in pay, but it's okay, I just wanted my foot in the door. And sometimes you have to start back at the bottom to get back up. So, here I am employed with the biggest health system in the state of Indiana who by the way also has a nursing program. Did you hear that?!?! <em>I said a nursing program! </em>*Does a happy dance*<br />
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It all feels surreal to me, like I'm dreaming. But I'm not, the badge says I'm employed by the hospital. Employed by the hospital...man, I LOVE the sound of that. It's like sweet, sweet music to my ears. I'm one step, or maybe a few steps, closer to achieving a long term goal. <br />
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I was getting so discouraged and just when I was about to give up and not look for any more jobs, God came through. He's good about doing that. <br />
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Thanks, God. You are good. <br />
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Brandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15244091355354504471noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1311601819884287972.post-73481543979080776072011-08-17T18:39:00.000-04:002011-08-17T18:39:22.330-04:00FamilyEver since my grandma died, I've just felt lost. I somehow felt as though I didn't belong with my own blood family and started to seek other people out to "adopt" me into their family. Over the past few years, I've slowly started to feel like I am part of my own family. Now that I am living with my dad, I am desperately trying to make some sort of "family" with him and his girlfriend. <br />
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It's difficult for me. They are so used to functioning with just themselves. I sometimes feel as though I am throwing a wrench into things. I stated in my last post they eat really late. I hate eating so late, but I do it because I want to eat with them. I want to sit down and have some sort of normalcy with my new family. Even if it's sitting in the living room with the TV trays while we eat. It's important to me to eat with them. It's not something I had growing up. <br />
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Just the little things that families may or may not do are all valuable to me. There are so many things to do in Indiana, I had suggested that maybe on Sundays we could do something as a family, all three of us. Everyone seemed fine with it, but I heard my dad's girlfriend on the phone talking to two different people. Each time she said we were having family time on Sunday, she emphasized "family". It was almost like she was mocking me. And it just hurt each time I heard her. Maybe she didn't mean anything by it, maybe she did. I consider her family, but maybe she doesn't think the same of me. <br />
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I decided on Sunday on the way home that I won't ever ask them to do anything again and I'll just have to explore everything alone. That's just the way I am, I always tend to feel as though I am a burden. I know I am not, but that's the depression talking. By her emphasizing the word family, it suddenly made me feel like I was a big burden. I really think she would have rather stayed home on Sunday and watched Nascar instead of going to the river. My dad was all gung ho about it, even though we didn't find what we were looking for. But I think if it came down to coming out with his daughter or staying home with his girlfriend who doesn't want to really explore anything, he would choose the second choice. <br />
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And so, I just won't ask about anything anymore. Brandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15244091355354504471noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1311601819884287972.post-36693182680532657962011-08-09T09:56:00.000-04:002011-08-09T09:56:24.023-04:00I Dread the NightsI decided a long time ago to never touch a drop of alcohol ever again. I've kept that promise and it's been at least 12 years since I've had any alcohol. I made this vow not because of my drinking history. I really don't have a drinking history. Yeah, I drank a little bit when I was younger, but I can only recall 2 times where I was drunk. Drinking never appealed to me and I didn't like to be drunk because I was not in control of my life. I made that vow to never drink again because for as long as I can remember I've been around alcoholics. My grandfather, my father, & my mother. Granted I wasn't around my mom a lot growing up. But in the short times I've encountered her, she was always drunk. Alcoholism is said to be genetic. And in all honestly, I don't want to be anything like them. I don't want to be in a situation where I am not in control of my life, where alcohol is the most important thing to me. <br />
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Looking back on my childhood, I remember bursts of anger, abuse towards family members. I remember days of making drinks for my grandpa and my dad. My two younger siblings and I could make a drink with our eyes shut. I have a lot of memories of my childhood, and alcohol unfortunately is part of those memories. Alcohol was such a big part of my childhood that my father and cousin put a pint of Jack Daniels in my grandfather's coffin. Because when they thought of my grandpa, they thought of him drinking. <br />
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I absolutely hate alcohol. Hate it. I hate the way it smells, I hate the way it tastes, I hate the way people act when they are drunk, and I especially hate what it does to my loved ones. I really don't want to be around anyone who drinks. I put up with it in social settings because I know that I won't have to deal with it very long. I don't judge people for drinking socially, it's just not something I want to be a part of. There were many times where I wouldn't go to something because I knew there would be alcohol involved. <br />
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I remember once even putting myself in Al-Anon because my father was stressing me out so badly after my grandma died. He constantly called at 1 or 2 in the morning drunk. It was a lot for me to handle. His drinking has calmed down due to his heart problem. And I see his heart problem as a blessing in disguise, it's the only thing that opened his eyes about his drinking. <br />
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For so long, I've lived my life and chose not to surround myself around any drinking at all. Now, I'm right back into it and I feel as though I'm reliving my childhood again. I knew moving in with my dad and girlfriend that alcohol would come into my life again. They both drink, with her drinking more than him (only because of his heart). The entire attitude of the house changes when 4pm hits. The first drink is poured, a cream soda and Vodka. From that point forward, the drinks continue to flow until about 9 or 10 at night. At that point the drinking has commenced and it's now time for dinner. Yes, we eat dinner that late every night. Last night dinner was at 10:30. I finished up the dishes at 11:30. At first she was drinking and would get a little buzzed. But it seems for the past month her nightly drinking has become nights of drunkenness. I can always tell when it happens, I see her make the numerous drinks, her eyes start to get a little glassy, her speech is slurred, she starts making no sense at all when she talks. Oh and let's just throw some pot into the mix, because she smokes that every day as well. I hate it. Hate it, hate it, hate it. <br />
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Hate it.<br />
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Last night, I couldn't get the dishes finished quick enough to get to bed. I was at a breaking point and wound up crying myself to sleep. All I can do is keep praying is to find a job soon because I don't know how more I can handle and I'm afraid of blowing up. The option of talking to my dad is out of the question. I already know his reaction and I would probably be looking for a place to stay soon after the conversation. She's not willing to change, I realized that a few days ago as we were at my cousin's house. My cousin has realized her alcoholism has taken over her life and is trying really hard to quit. She's fallen off the wagon twice in a year, but she knows she needs to quit. I'm proud of her, I know it can't be easy, but she's trying. My dad's gf said in the car as we were driving back that she was happy for my cousin and would respect her enough not to drink at her house. But if my cousin came to our house, the drinking would still take place. She said she wasn't changing her ways for someone visiting us. <br />
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It just makes me sad. <br />
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There's so much more I can say about this, but it's pointless. It's the same thing over and over again, night after night. I'll never be okay with it, never. Once again I am in a role reversal. I'm the parent and they are the children. A role I'm familiar with more than I want to be. Brandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15244091355354504471noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1311601819884287972.post-84632440621370925422011-08-01T11:41:00.002-04:002011-08-01T11:54:05.782-04:00Feeling discouraged80.<br />
That's the number of jobs I have applied for here in Indiana.<br />
1.<br />
That's the number of interviews I've had from the 80 applications submitted.<br />
When I was in Arizona, I kept saying I would get a job quickly at least with the government. I mean, I have over 10 years of government experience, I should be a shoe-in, right? I know I shouldn't think like that, but I did. Government, health care, retail, whatever. I've applied for many different jobs. <br />
Here I am two months later and still unemployed. I can't remember the last time I went this long without a job, I've always gone from one job to another. I know there are people who have been unemployed a lot longer than me, but I never thought I would be without work this long. I've never watched my spending so much before. Another thing I've had for so long is health insurance. But I haven't had any for two months either. I've had to step into new areas like calling a free health insurance clinic to see if I can get in so I can get my medication refilled. There was no open appointments, I've been put on a waiting list for an appointment. I've started calling regular doctors in the area to see how much they charge for an office visit for someone without insurance. The cheapest I've found is $60. That's not including the costs of any tests they may need to run, nor is it including the cost of medicine. There's no money coming into my bank account and it's depleting.<br />
But I am still remembering to trust God. Although, I haven't got a job and I haven't exactly found a home church yet, I'm still making sure I tithe. It's only $20 every week, but it's something. I cancelled my Netflix account, which saved me $10 a month. But prayed about supporting missionaries in Mozambique. So, I'm taking my $10 that I was spending on Netflix and supporting a missionary family in Africa. Again, it's not much, but it's all I can do without any extra income coming in. God knows my heart and he knows I'm trying, little as it may be, I am trying.<br />
I'm not used to having all this free time. No school, no work, not currently involved in serving anywhere. I had contacted Grant County Women's Shelter last week to see if I could volunteer and the woman who ran it wasn't very friendly on the phone. I got the feeling that she really didn't want to be bothered, so it didn't happen. God orchestrated a meeting yesterday with a lady at the current church I am attending who happens to run another homeless shelter in Marion. I jokingly asked if she needed any help with employment or volunteering. She had said that they laid off 6 people a few months ago, but was in desperate need of volunteers. I explained to her that I was currently unemployed and had all the time in the world to help her with anything she needed. She gave me her cell phone and asked me to call her this week. I'm excited about the opportunity to volunteer. <br />
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Every night I pray and tell God how good and faithful he is. I know this to be true. I just forget sometimes. Lately I have been singing a song that the worship pastor at Sun Valley wrote called Sovereign Lord. It's just been the chorus I have been singing, "Why are you so downcast oh my soul? Our God is good, our God's in control."<br />
Yep, God is good and he's in control. Don't forget that, Bran!Brandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15244091355354504471noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1311601819884287972.post-62675009633365477462011-07-30T16:03:00.000-04:002011-07-30T16:03:00.159-04:00Country GirlSomething has happened to me since I've been home. Somewhere deep inside me, a country girl has been trying to get out. I've never lived in the country, I've always been a city girl. But my time here has taught me that deep down I'm a country girl. I used to never listen to country music. If I did, it was few and far in between. I like a good selection of music, but I generally listen to rap/hip hop. Lately, my radio station has been on a country station and for some reason the music doesn't bother me at all. I've even deleted a few rap/hip hop songs on my Mp3 player to make room for Blake Shelton, Jason Aldean, & Taylor Swift. I've also been listening to classic rock a lot more. I've always liked classic rock, but now my radio is always on a classic rock or a country station. <br />
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I went and bought some khaki capri's a few weeks ago at Fashion Bug. They also had some camouflage capri pants. I found myself looking at them and debating on purchasing them. Okay, I have never cared too much about camouflage. Honestly never cared at all. I left the store without purchasing them, but couldn't stop thinking about them. So I went back a few days later to get them. Sadly I didn't purchase them that day either. The only reason why I didn't purchase them was because I couldn't find a shirt to match them. But I am still thinking about buying them. <br />
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I never had the want to know the workings of a farm. Never. Now, I want to find a farm to volunteer on and learn about running a farm. I want to learn everything about the business, including the down and dirty stuff. Although, I know how to shuck corn, I want to learn how to pick corn, soy beans, whatever. I want to know the difference between animal corn, regular corn, and sweet corn. I have no idea how to get involved with volunteering on a farm, but believe me I am looking. I wonder if the college has some farm classes. I'd be willing to take them! :D<br />
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I am just becoming all around country and it seems to suit me so well. From the country songs to my flip-flop tan, and let's not forget the camouflage pants that I will probably end up purchasing anyways, I am in my element!<br />
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Seriously loving my country life here in little ol' Jonesboro, Indiana!Brandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15244091355354504471noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1311601819884287972.post-19080154905541691672011-07-12T10:39:00.000-04:002011-07-12T10:39:46.616-04:00Good Outweighs the BadIt's been almost a month since I've been home. I'm still enjoying every single day. No living situation is perfect by any means, mine included. In my time here, I've definitely done some growing. I am learning to let a lot of things just "roll off of my back". If you know me, you know I'm generally not one of those type of people. I don't deal with change well and rarely let anything roll off of my back. I hold onto things until I burst out in anger. But the things in my living situation that I'm getting used to are so small and really don't matter too much in the big scheme of things. Like my title says, the good outweighs the bad by a far amount. I won't list those small minor details I'm getting used to, it's not worth it. Instead, I will list the good:<br />
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Like how much I just love the scenery I see every single day. The weather has been beautiful. There has been a few humid days (where I was bothered), but overall I'm handling the weather pretty well. It's so green here and I'm just not sure what to do with all my excitement. I love, love, love living in a small city, it's such a drastic change to where I lived in Arizona. <br />
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I feel healthier, my skin looks good, my hair looks good. Overall, my health just feels better. I am eating healthier. I may not exercise every day, but I get my butt outside every day to do something. Once a week, I get a good workout in and mow the lawn. I'm pretty sure lawn mowing dancing is a good calorie burner. I love mowing the lawn, seriously. And due to my outside excursions, I'm rocking quite the tan. I rarely wear full shoes and flip flops are my shoes of choice.<br />
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I am very thankful for my GPS, but for the most part, I've just tried to figure out how to get places on my own. In Phoenix, every one used to the freeway to get to a different city. Here, people rarely use the one major freeway. Instead they use the county roads. I like to call the country roads, because they are out in the middle of nowhere with nothing but farms. Driving down the road at night, you have to be very aware of your surroundings. It's pitch black, with only your headlights shining. Hitting deer is a common occurrence here and you drive a little slower at night on those roads. Because you never know when one will run across the road.<br />
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The greatest thing of all is living with my dad. I can't explain the love I have for him and how it's grown since I've been home. It's funny to see that some of his mannerisms are ones that I've done for most of my life. We are a lot alike. It's weird living with him, (I was raised by my grandparents), but I feel so content at the same time. I feel I am right where I am supposed to be, growing more every day. He's far from perfect. But hey, so am I. It's nice being so near family and my best friend. I can just hop in the car and see them whenever I want. I love that.<br />
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I'm still looking for a job. I won't talk about how many jobs I've applied for, but trying to remember to trust God. He will provide in His timing. I am working really hard on remembering that.Brandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15244091355354504471noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1311601819884287972.post-64193905114978677432011-06-22T09:24:00.000-04:002011-06-22T09:24:15.826-04:00Talking CountryI've officially been home for a week now. It's still very surreal that I'm here. I kinda feel like I am on vacation, but yet, I'm not. I'm official resident of Indiana again.<br />
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My heart is in such a state of contentment right now. I am literally falling in love with my roots again. It's been so long that I've been trying to shove those feelings to the "forgotten about" section of my brain. Life is very different here in Indiana than it was in Arizona. Here, everyone is very chill and relaxed. Nobody rushing to do this or that. People actually have manners and genuinely care about you. When they say to have a good day, they are not just saying it because it's the nice thing to do. They are saying it because they actually want you to have a good day. There's so much green around, my heart just wants to scream with joy! The weather here has been beautiful and even on the hottest day (That the Hoosiers think), I have no complaints. I think my body got so used to the nasty heat of AZ that on the muggiest of days, it doesn't bother me at all. I can't tell you how many times I've walked outside with no shoes on. It's nice not to burn the soles of my feet.<br />
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Last weekend we went and had a barbecue with some of my cousin's wife's family. I won't lie, the barbecue was in the country. There was chickens running around the yard with the dogs. It was all extremely "country" and probably not what normal people would consider fun. However, I loved every minute of it. Her family was so welcoming and in no time at all, I felt like I had known them for years. I can guarantee that I would have dreaded going to something like that in Arizona and would have hated every minute of being there. But not here, here I felt so at home. Mosquitoes and all, it all felt so great. I noticed a few days ago, I started talking a bit country. It actually stopped me mid conversation. It's not that I'm trying to talk country, it just sort of happened. It's because I'm surrounded by a lot of country folk, I'm taking on the native talk. :)<br />
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I live in a small town. It's very small. In fact, it's so small that the post office here just recently closed. Why did it close? Well, because the ONE employee who had been working there for years, the Postmaster General, decided it was time to retire. She retired and the post office closed. That's just the way they roll here in Indiana. We generally have to go to the next town over, Marion, for our shopping. It's not too far, but everything you could possibly need is on this main strip of road. I don't feel too out of sorts, there's a Starbucks there. :D<br />
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I still haven't found a job yet, but I'm trusting God will provide. I'm looking and applying every day. Cost of living is so much cheaper here. So, I could take a cut in pay and still survive. I'm not too worried yet about not having a job, God knows the plans for my life and that's all I can think about. I just feel it in my bones that He has got some big stuff in store for me. I had originally planned to live and work near Indianapolis. But I am praying for a job close to my dad's house. I've rather fallen in love with this small town feel and I would be perfectly okay with staying and working in this area.<br />
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I shall start my church journey this week. I'm excited about that. I am missing teaching the kiddos already.<br />
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Have I mentioned how happy I am here? It's been a long time coming and I'm completely in my element.Brandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15244091355354504471noreply@blogger.com3