Oh Dad

I'm not going to go into detail on this blog about my dad, but if you know me, you know I have parent issues. My relationship with them is strained. I do try to talk to my dad on a monthly basis, but we aren't really close.

Holidays like Father's Day is a difficult one for me. Especially in the card department. All the cards usually say, "Oh dad, you've always been there for me." or "When I was little, you would put me on top of your shoulders." Blah, blah, blah. None of that stuff is true, so needless to say, my dad usually gets a generic Father's Day card. I try to be a good daughter, even though I'm generally the parent in our relationship, and even call him on Father's Day to wish him a good day. I try my hardest to play the part of a good daughter.

Yesterday, that was a mistake. From the moment he picked up the phone, he was just being a jerk to me. I could tell in his voice he is still annoyed at me for not giving him money when he called me in May. Whatever, I am making the choice not to enable your habits. Our phone conversation ended quickly and I hung up very irritated at him. It's Father's Day, a day we are to celebrate our dads. Instead, I was regretting the fact that I called him. Now, you might say if I knew he was going to be this way, why did you call? Well, because the next time we spoke, he would of made me feel bad by laying on the guilt trip about not calling him. Even though, in my eyes, he's hardly deserving of any praise about being a father. He still expects a phone call on this day.

Kristine reminded me that even though he was hurtful, I was the bigger person by still calling him and that is all that mattered. I spent a good portion of my morning annoyed at my dad because he managed to dampen Father's Day.

But as I left the house, my attitude started to go away. I can't change my father, and I just have to try to love him as much as I can. Even though, he makes it extremely difficult all the time. I still wish for a perfect dad, a perfect mother. But, I realize that God had a plan and ultimately I was so much better off with my grandparents than I would of been with my mom and dad. I realize no parents are perfect, but mine are a little more flawed than most.

Anyways, I spent the rest of the day watching a kid I know get baptized. Julie treated me to a lovely lunch at Texas Roadhouse, and my afternoon/evening was spent hanging with the Kambergs. So, even though I had a bad start to the morning, the day ended perfect! I hope everyone had a fantastic Father's Day.

Hey, guess who is moving soon?!?!? *Stands up and waves* Yes, that would be me. I'm so ready and it's so time. I might have to employ a few men to help me move my bed. It's the only thing I need help with and I very well could be moving this weekend. Oh joy.

Can I get an order of mom with a side of dad please?

Happy Monday everyone! How are you doing? I’m pretty fantastic! It rained all day yesterday and although I’m quite fond of the rain, I just couldn’t seem to get warm yesterday. Alma School in Mesa is flooded again. I’m sure there will be people, who will drive through a flooded area, and they will get stuck and the police or fire will have to rescue them. Ladies and gentlemen, that is what we call the Stupid Motorist Law. It actually exists here in good ol’ Arizona. My dad just called to see if I was okay, said he saw Arizona on the news all the way in Florida because of the rain. He just told me not to be stupid and drive through water. Oh Dad, you’re so caring. I told him I’m not that stupid, but there are people who are.

So, yesterday J and I hit up Poiema Church again. I have to be honest in saying, I was a little anxious about going again yesterday. We haven’t been in two weeks and just because we had an awesome first time experience there, doesn’t mean we would have another one. I just didn’t know if I could handle trying to look for another church. I’m the type of gal who needs stability and I really don’t want to constantly explore other churches. But, despite the fact they had technical difficulties, everything was still awesome. I’m really enjoying it. And although I’m adult and I’m perfectly capable of going alone, I’m enjoying going with J. It’s nice to sit with someone in church, especially one of my closest friends. I don’t feel so alone.

Yesterday, I was looking for a blank CD in my room and came across letters from my mother. I have every single letter she’s written me. But I couldn’t force myself to read them, again. I just couldn’t do it. I knew I would get upset and start crying. All her letters of regret, how much she loves me, yet I haven’t spoken to her since May. I, for some reason, can’t throw them away either. She’s managed to do what she does best, push people away, push me away, the daughter she hasn’t spoken to for most of my life. I am beginning to think that I’m mentally better off without her. Life is so much less complicated without her in it. I have stated before that the 4 years she was back in my life, she caused more grief than the other 26 years I’ve been alive. My roomie told me on Saturday that I tend to cling to parental figures too quickly. Yes, I suppose that is true. She also reminded me that I’m an adult and I don’t really need a parental figure to answer to. No, I don’t really need to answer to anyone but God. However, I yearn for that affection of a parental love or getting their opinion on something, it’s a thing I haven’t felt in 8 years. And even though I’m an adult, I pay my own bills, whatever; I still deserve to have a set of “parents” that give me love and affection. The closest thing I have right now is J’s parents. And I’m perfectly okay with that, I so love them. They make me feel more loved than my actual mom and dad do. I am learning how to love my dad, his faults, everything. But it has taken me a long time to be his “daughter”, half of the time; I’m more the parent to him. This is frustrating. Yesterday, in church the pastor said something that struck a chord with me. He talked about not growing up without a father and said he’s determined that God gave you the parents he gave you to make you the person you are now. I know that’s true, I get that. Things would be so different if I had been raised by my parents. I can honestly say that I probably wouldn’t be alive right now. I probably would have killed myself or gotten myself killed. But God, gave me my grandparents, who raised me in a stable home, forced me to get good grades, disciplined me when needed, made me the woman I am today with not an influence whatsoever from my mom or dad. I had a great childhood, no regrets. I miss my grandparents terribly, especially my grandma. We were really close.

So this past week, I did something I’ve never done before, I finished reading the entire Bible. In all my time of being a Christian, I had yet to read the entire Bible. And, I’ve done it. I’m quite proud of myself. I feel so accomplished and God has definitely shown me many things through His word. I somehow feel stronger in my faith, yet still wanting to thirst for more. With that said, I’m going to do a 90 day reading plan. I attempted to do it once, but I was doing it alone and failed. I definitely need someone to hold me accountable. So, I’m going to do it and if anyone is interested in doing it with me, here is the website, www.biblein90days.com. I will not lie when I say it’s A LOT to read and if you miss a day, you’re in trouble. Let me know if you’re interested! We’ll hold each other accountable. I’m starting February 1^st.

Anyways, gotta go. Have a great day!

Bran :)

Quote of the day:Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. “Pooh?” he whispered. “Yes, Piglet?” “Nothing,” said Piglet, taking Pooh’s paw. “I just wanted to be sure of you.” ~A.A. Milne

A girl and her daddy

Hey everyone,

How are you doing? I'm doing so much better. I'm feeling like good ol' Brandy again. Please continue to pray for my team, another one was admitted into the hospital last night. Oy vei! This Dengue Fever has knocked all of us for a loop. It literally took everything I had in me to fight it. I did a lot of sleeping, which is abnormal for me. I'm glad to be past it.

So, do you like my title? Growing up as a kid, I didn't see my father a lot. The only time I saw him was when I spent the summers with him, which wasn't every summer. And then, he would be at work all day, so I only saw him for a little bit in the evening. Usually a few days of being with my father, I would call my grandma crying begging her to fly me back home. She never did. She always made me stay. My relationship with my dad was definitely an odd one. I vividly remember times when he said he was driving up from Florida to come see me in Indiana. I would sit in front of the window and wait...and wait...and wait only for him to never show. I would sit there for days, he never showed. This isn't the first time he has let me down, there has been many times when my dad let me down. I also remember times when he would call, I would answer the phone, and he wouldn't talk to me, he only wanted to talk to my grandma, his mom. It knew it was me on the other line but never asked how I was doing, nothing. He didn't have a hand in raising me, I'm a product of my grandparent's upbringing, he wasn't there when I went to my first dance, had my first boyfriend. It was always my grandma. Even in the summers, he didn't really have a say. I remember once, I called my stepmother a nice word. She said something about telling my father, I remember thinking, "He's not gonna do anything to me, because if he does, Gram will be all over him."

When my grandma passed away over 6 years ago, it's like my dad woke up and realized I was his daughter. I do have to give him credit, he has definitely gotten better at communicating since my gram passed away. Although a lot of times in the relationship, I have to be the parent, which I hate doing by the way. Sometimes I just wanna be the daughter, you know? But, I don't know what it is...I love my dad like crazy, irregardless of my past history (or lack of), I love my dad. There is something about a little girl and her daddy, I can't explain it. I'm almost 30 now, and my dad and I have reached a different level of the father/ daughter relationship. I'm not a kid anymore and he's realized that. He has supported me in my decisions, especially the ones I have made for God. He's not a Christian, but he supports me. He was in town on Sunday, only for a little bit. I only saw him for a very short time, but I cherish that time I had with him. I wish we could of spent more time. There was a lack of communication between the two of us. I thought he said we would spend the entire Sunday together. I patiently began to wait for him all day long as I had done as a little girl. I waited and waited, and about halfway through the day, I decided I wasn't gonna let this man get to me as he had done before. I had honestly decided in my head, that if he didn't call, I was gonna be completely done with him and never speak to him again. I have done that before with people in my life, I know it's not the most Christian thing to do, but that is how I function sometimes. I'm good at writing people out of my life. But about 5:30, he finally called, and was on his way back into town. He had been in Mexico with my uncle. So, I got to see him, if only for a little bit. It made me happy.

Okay, that is all I have for now. Have a great weekend!

Remember Jesus loves you!

Love,

Bran