Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Can I get an order of mom with a side of dad please?

Happy Monday everyone! How are you doing? I’m pretty fantastic! It rained all day yesterday and although I’m quite fond of the rain, I just couldn’t seem to get warm yesterday. Alma School in Mesa is flooded again. I’m sure there will be people, who will drive through a flooded area, and they will get stuck and the police or fire will have to rescue them. Ladies and gentlemen, that is what we call the Stupid Motorist Law. It actually exists here in good ol’ Arizona. My dad just called to see if I was okay, said he saw Arizona on the news all the way in Florida because of the rain. He just told me not to be stupid and drive through water. Oh Dad, you’re so caring. I told him I’m not that stupid, but there are people who are.

So, yesterday J and I hit up Poiema Church again. I have to be honest in saying, I was a little anxious about going again yesterday. We haven’t been in two weeks and just because we had an awesome first time experience there, doesn’t mean we would have another one. I just didn’t know if I could handle trying to look for another church. I’m the type of gal who needs stability and I really don’t want to constantly explore other churches. But, despite the fact they had technical difficulties, everything was still awesome. I’m really enjoying it. And although I’m adult and I’m perfectly capable of going alone, I’m enjoying going with J. It’s nice to sit with someone in church, especially one of my closest friends. I don’t feel so alone.

Yesterday, I was looking for a blank CD in my room and came across letters from my mother. I have every single letter she’s written me. But I couldn’t force myself to read them, again. I just couldn’t do it. I knew I would get upset and start crying. All her letters of regret, how much she loves me, yet I haven’t spoken to her since May. I, for some reason, can’t throw them away either. She’s managed to do what she does best, push people away, push me away, the daughter she hasn’t spoken to for most of my life. I am beginning to think that I’m mentally better off without her. Life is so much less complicated without her in it. I have stated before that the 4 years she was back in my life, she caused more grief than the other 26 years I’ve been alive. My roomie told me on Saturday that I tend to cling to parental figures too quickly. Yes, I suppose that is true. She also reminded me that I’m an adult and I don’t really need a parental figure to answer to. No, I don’t really need to answer to anyone but God. However, I yearn for that affection of a parental love or getting their opinion on something, it’s a thing I haven’t felt in 8 years. And even though I’m an adult, I pay my own bills, whatever; I still deserve to have a set of “parents” that give me love and affection. The closest thing I have right now is J’s parents. And I’m perfectly okay with that, I so love them. They make me feel more loved than my actual mom and dad do. I am learning how to love my dad, his faults, everything. But it has taken me a long time to be his “daughter”, half of the time; I’m more the parent to him. This is frustrating. Yesterday, in church the pastor said something that struck a chord with me. He talked about not growing up without a father and said he’s determined that God gave you the parents he gave you to make you the person you are now. I know that’s true, I get that. Things would be so different if I had been raised by my parents. I can honestly say that I probably wouldn’t be alive right now. I probably would have killed myself or gotten myself killed. But God, gave me my grandparents, who raised me in a stable home, forced me to get good grades, disciplined me when needed, made me the woman I am today with not an influence whatsoever from my mom or dad. I had a great childhood, no regrets. I miss my grandparents terribly, especially my grandma. We were really close.

So this past week, I did something I’ve never done before, I finished reading the entire Bible. In all my time of being a Christian, I had yet to read the entire Bible. And, I’ve done it. I’m quite proud of myself. I feel so accomplished and God has definitely shown me many things through His word. I somehow feel stronger in my faith, yet still wanting to thirst for more. With that said, I’m going to do a 90 day reading plan. I attempted to do it once, but I was doing it alone and failed. I definitely need someone to hold me accountable. So, I’m going to do it and if anyone is interested in doing it with me, here is the website, www.biblein90days.com. I will not lie when I say it’s A LOT to read and if you miss a day, you’re in trouble. Let me know if you’re interested! We’ll hold each other accountable. I’m starting February 1st.

Anyways, gotta go. Have a great day!

Bran :)

Quote of the day:Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. “Pooh?” he whispered. “Yes, Piglet?” “Nothing,” said Piglet, taking Pooh’s paw. “I just wanted to be sure of you.” ~A.A. Milne

No comments: