That old me's dead and gone

Two of my pals use lyrics from songs as their blog titles. I'm not normally a follower, but today I'm going to follow them and use a song lyric as my blog title.

I've noticed lately that I've lost my touch with blogging. I used to blog all the time, good, bad, whatever. I would just write. Writing is a way for me to sort all these crazy things out in my head. I just haven't felt like blogging and it's not because I'm going through a hard time. As Kristine pointed out on Friday night, it's the complete opposite. It's because I'm doing so fantastic.

For the past two weeks, numerous people have told me that I've changed, they see something different in me. And they all say it's something great, good. It's like I've become alive again, stress has been released from my shoulders. People said I am glowing, I have been smiling more, I'm the real me, the real Brandy God made. A few posts ago, I blogged about some growth I was going through. Well, I'm still experiencing the growth, but it's a growth spurt that has greatly helped me. It has opened up my eyes to so much. Just when I think I can't possibly grow any more, God proves me wrong and I experience so much more growth.

Have you ever had something in your life that has become unhealthy for you? It could be anything...food, people, relationships, drugs, alcohol. There are numerous things that are good, but they can also become unhealthy.

I have been struggling with something unhealthy for a long time. I've always known this wasn't good for me, but yet I choose to keep it in my life, making myself miserable in the meantime. For the longest time, mentally, I was a mess. This one thing that consumed my entire life, consumed my entire soul was so bad for me. People kept telling me to get rid of the unhealthy thing, but I couldn't do it.

About a month ago, I finally decided it was time for a change. It was time to release this one thing that has made me so sick mentally. I was scared, frightened. Not knowing where this unknown path was going to lead me. Too many tears have been shed over this, too, too many and I won't allow it anymore. But I knew for my own sanity and healing it was beyond time to accept this growth spurt as one that I needed. I had to trust God and know that like many times before, he would pull me through this. He would strengthen relationships with a few people in my life to support me through this. He would show that I will be okay, no I'll be great.

And all of that has happened. I did it, I finally got the one thing in my life that was mentally unhealthy for me, and let it go. Fully, let it go. Kristine has been the one who I've grown closer to, who has helped me through this. I miss this unhealthy thing, I really do, but I know that I'm going to be okay without it in my life. I haven't felt this good in so, so long.

I turn my head to the East, I don't see nobody by my side,

I turn my head to the West, still nobody in sight,

So, I turn my head to the North, swallow that pill they call pride,

That old me's dead and gone, but the new me will be alright.

Quitely, He will speak to me

Sometimes when I am trying to process things in my head, I need to just get away from life, from the city. Yesterday was one of those days. I've been in a quiet mood, not really talking to anyone, not having the strength to deal with issues. After I got off of work yesterday, I already made my mind up that I was taking an adventure. I decided to drive up to Saguaro Lake. I've never been there, and I'm always up for excuses to take pictures.

I took my freshly charged camera, grabbed my favorite CD, and went on my way. I was ever so thankful that my cell phone had no service, I wanted to be left alone from the world I was trying to escape. I made sure I told Kristine where I was, just in case. But I took my sweet old time in my trip. Turning on every road along the way, stopping to enjoy the scenery and take pictures along the way. By the time I had gotten home, it was 4 1/2 hours later. I arrived at Saguaro Lake and just sat down on the dock. I could hear the sound of a jet ski in the distance, but other than that, it was quiet. The only sounds were of nature, birds chirping, bugs flying, water splashing up against some rocks. It was nice, I sat there for a good 30 minutes, just letting the sun hit my face, silently telling God that I was putting my life in His hands no matter how much the growth hurt.

I hate times of growth. Usually when God forces me to grow, it hurts beyond comprehension and lately God's been pushing the boundaries of growth more than I want. It's been brewing for awhile, but I chose to ignore it. It finally boiled over last week and I had a breakdown. Growth is necessary for all of us and it will happen whether we want it to happen or not. That's why I needed to get away, I needed to not be distracted and listen to what God was telling me.

I started thinking about the lyrics from a Chinese Christian song I heard about a month ago.

Quietly I will hear His voice,

I will turn my ear to my Lord's voice.

Quietly, He will speak to me,

For I know my Shepherd's still soft voice.

I'm struggling with decisions that have recently been made, struggling with losing relationships, struggling with not knowing if I will be strong, struggling with needing to grow more than I want. It's all an act of growth, one that I'm fighting with everything I have in my being. I always say the moving to Oregon is going to make me or break me, but my dear friends, it's the recent growth I'm experiencing that will determine whether I fall or stand.

***This is where I sat yesterday for 30 minutes.***

Staring out the window

I'm sitting here trying to work, but can't help to stare out the window of my patio. Right now I'm in awe of how pretty the sky is...gosh it's so blue and from my view, I can't see a cloud in the sky. There are so many things going through my head right now. Most of it is pure amazement as how much I grew internally this week. You know that saying, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger?" Have you ever witnessed that? Gone through something you absolutely, positively thought it was going to kill you? But in the end, you grew so much from the experience, and because of everything you are a stronger person. *Stands up* Yes, I've been experiencing that in my life lately, most recently this past week. Whew! A few post ago, I was hurting, my heart was hurting. A few days after that, I wrote about being healed in a way I have never felt before. And today....as I'm staring out the window, I'm realizing how amazing God is and how I am glorifying Him more now than ever in this past week.

I sometimes wonder why I blog...I have people who read this blog. I have over 50 subscribers, but rarely ever get a decent amount of comments. But then, I'm reminded of the fact of why I really blog. I blog to sort out my thoughts, to look back at my life...the good, bad, and ugly and to realize how much I've grown, learned, changed. I don't blog to get comments, that's for sure. I am always reminded of a Calvin & Hobbes quote, "Be careful...we don't want to learn from this." Gosh, I love that quote. I find it funny as well. I sometimes go back and re-read my blogs just to see how far I've come and I'm dumbfounded. I forget about the little things, I sometimes even forget about the big things, but reminded of them when I go back and read previous entries. There are some things, I can't even honestly remember what was going on in my life to make me write what I wrote.

I can honestly say...I'm focused on Him more now than ever, focused on applying Bibical practices in my life. I'm a people pleaser to the max. I will tell somebody yes to something, whether I want to do it or not. I stepped down from my position on the women's retreat I was doing last week. I have honestly prayed about this postion, and was led to drop off team, but felt guilty when I told the people that I was dropping off. On top of everything else going on last week, I was ridiculed with guilt from dropping off team. I felt that if I disappointed them, I was disappointing God. I hate when people make me feel like less than a Christian than I am. I hate that, and because I'm a people pleaser, it honestly happens, I let people make me feel that way. I hate when I stick up for myself, and numerous people come to me asking, "Are you sure this is what God wants for you and it's not Satan talking to you?" I hate that more than anything. Don't assume you know what's going on in my head and don't call me less of a Christian because for once I don't want to serve at the retreat. I serve God, a lot. Serving is a priority in my life, one time of not serving doesn't make me a bad person. But my back bone grew a little stronger that night and I told these people that Satan was not talking to me. Do you know I had a boyfriend break up with me once, because he said I had no backbone, and I was too nice? Oh yes, that did happen. Nobody understands my heart, they think because I'm dropping off team that Satan is having is way in my life. It's just annoying.

Yes, folks...there you have it, I'm a devil worshipper.

Satan is having his way in my life.

Hey, backbone...how are you holding up so far? Are you doing okay? Staying strong? You've had a hard week and I just thought I would check in on you. So many things have happened, even as late as this morning. You're fantastic, you say? Well, that's good...you have one more hurdle to get over in the next week or so. Once you jump this hurdle, you will be able to accomplish anything. Be strong Bran, stand up and do it.

Scripture of the day: "Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong. Do everything in love." ~1 Corinthians 16:13-14

Quote of the day: "A lot of people are afraid to tell the truth, to say no. That's where toughness comes into play. Toughness is not being a bully. It's having a backbone." ~Robert Kiyosaki

The past 48 hours

The past 48 hours of my life have been all together weird. There has been a serious of events all coming at me at one time, good and bad. The past few days, relationships have been damaged, relationships have been mended, I grew a little bit more of a backbone in more than one situation. And those 48 hours were heart-breaking, eye-opening, exhausting, refreshing, more breath taking than I could ever imagine, and all molded together to be awe inspiring. There have been good, bad, and ugly tears shed from little ol' me and I couldn't be happier.

And I realized everything tonight as I was sitting in church. I wound up sitting alone, which was honestly perfect. Because I needed to sit there and just let God take over my soul, let His grace just completely cover me. Service hadn't even been going on for 10 minutes, before I broke down crying. I so needed to be there in that service, I needed to hear those worship songs, and I so needed to hear that message. This was said in church tonight by Jeremy, "When you give up control, God shows you HIS story of your life." In giving up control tonight between crying fits, this is what I realized:

• I've realized that I don't need a "crutch" to function in my daily life and that the only "crutch" I need is God. And until I finally realized that this past couple of days, I wasn't able to fully live. And today...I can honestly say, I lived and I loved it. I didn't do anything too special, but just looking at life with a new set of eyes, not my eyes, God's eyes.
  
• I realized that it's okay to tell someone no, even though you want to make them happy, but you decide to for once in my lifetime, do something you strongly believe in. I can't make everyone happy, and I'm perfectly okay with that.
  
• I've learned that my heart for the homeless population is way bigger than I imagined. Not only did I have a fantastic time working in our homeless ministry this morning, I was CRAZY BLESSED by the experience and was even called a precious angel from one of the ladies I spoke with today. We somehow bonded.
  
• I've realized all you really need is just a few good friends who hold you up in your faith, and they shine God's love to me, when I'm desperately trying to find His love in a world of darkness.
  
• And most importantly, I realized that I'm going to be okay after everything is done and dawn breaks a new day. No, wait, I'm going to be fantastic because this God we serve, the God I'm in love with, is way bigger than I can even begin to imagine. Constantly, He shows himself to me in people's faces, people's actions and I'm completely speechless every time.

"Life is a dance toward God, I begin to think. And the dance is not so graceful as we might want. While we glide and swing our practiced sway, God crowds our feet, bumps our toes, and scuffs our shoes. So we learn to dance with the One who made us. And it is a difficult dance to learn, because its steps are foreign...And I think to myself, there is nothing that I am missing. I have everything I was supposed to have to experience the magnitude of this story, to dance with God." ~Donald Miller