I took my freshly charged camera, grabbed my favorite CD, and went on my way. I was ever so thankful that my cell phone had no service, I wanted to be left alone from the world I was trying to escape. I made sure I told Kristine where I was, just in case. But I took my sweet old time in my trip. Turning on every road along the way, stopping to enjoy the scenery and take pictures along the way. By the time I had gotten home, it was 4 1/2 hours later. I arrived at Saguaro Lake and just sat down on the dock. I could hear the sound of a jet ski in the distance, but other than that, it was quiet. The only sounds were of nature, birds chirping, bugs flying, water splashing up against some rocks. It was nice, I sat there for a good 30 minutes, just letting the sun hit my face, silently telling God that I was putting my life in His hands no matter how much the growth hurt.
I hate times of growth. Usually when God forces me to grow, it hurts beyond comprehension and lately God's been pushing the boundaries of growth more than I want. It's been brewing for awhile, but I chose to ignore it. It finally boiled over last week and I had a breakdown. Growth is necessary for all of us and it will happen whether we want it to happen or not. That's why I needed to get away, I needed to not be distracted and listen to what God was telling me.
I started thinking about the lyrics from a Chinese Christian song I heard about a month ago.
Quietly I will hear His voice,
I will turn my ear to my Lord's voice.
Quietly, He will speak to me,
For I know my Shepherd's still soft voice.
I'm struggling with decisions that have recently been made, struggling with losing relationships, struggling with not knowing if I will be strong, struggling with needing to grow more than I want. It's all an act of growth, one that I'm fighting with everything I have in my being. I always say the moving to Oregon is going to make me or break me, but my dear friends, it's the recent growth I'm experiencing that will determine whether I fall or stand.
***This is where I sat yesterday for 30 minutes.***