I Keep Missing Her

It seems like lately that I have been missing my mom. Maybe it's because Mother's Day is this weekend and that usually has me missing my grandma as well. And I do miss gram, but I seem to be missing my mom more. I can't help but wonder why? How can I miss someone that I hardly knew? It's a natural feeling to miss someone, especially since it's not even be a year since her death. But I barely knew her and yet my heart aches.

Lately God has put two people back in my life who were around a long time ago. Somehow or another we lost contact, but recently reconnected. My mom has played into each of the people in one way or another. In one friendship, I thought she knew about me not being very close to my mom and the struggles I've had, but I had never told her. A few weeks ago, I felt prompted to tell her about my mom's death. Now unless you're someone close to me, I generally don't bring up my mom's passing or the exact cause of her death. But this night, I felt prompted to blurt it all out. The person stared at me with tears in her eyes, stunned to silence. After she composed herself, she told me that her mother in law was experiencing the exact same thing. See, my mother's cause of death is still under investigation, but ultimately her cause of death was a domestic violence situation. I am getting better about talking about how my mom died. This friend began telling me about her mother in law and things that have happened. And I felt as though she was talking about my mother, telling me my mother's life story. It was scary how similar the stories were. Although my mom's situation ended in her death, it's almost like God orchestrated that conversation and my friend needed to hear my side of the story. I cried the entire way home that night. My heart ached for her mother in law while still grieving my mother's passing.

Another friendship is one that did know about my situation with my mom a long time ago. We've seen each other a few times at church. This weekend I sat with her and her husband. We were catching up and she out of the blue asked, "How is your mom doing?" She caught me off guard because I realize that she didn't know. I tried to subdue the lump in my throat as I told her that she was gone and September will be a year that she passed. I know she wasn't expecting it. She asked what happened and I before I got a chance to say anything, she figured it out. Horror came over her face as she answered her own question. I began missing my mom more. I know she's not suffering any more, but the mere fact that she's not physically here on earth, is still hard to process.

I said earlier that I was puzzled as to how is it that I'm missing someone I barely knew. But, every time I look in the mirror, I am reminded of my mom. My eyes are green and brown, but the dominant color is green. Green was the color of my mom's eyes. My gentle spirit came from her. My love of reading came from her. My love of animals came from her. I have so many of her attributes that it's no wonder I miss her more and more every day.

I think everything that has happened is just all part of the big ol' healing process.

Oh mother

So, Sunday is Mother's Day. Not really one of my favorite holidays. As most of you know, I have "mom" issues, so I don't really even celebrate this day. Mother's Day will mark one year since I have spoken to my mother. My last phone call to her on Mother's Day last year consisted of her asking me what I wanted when I called, my response was "Uh...Happy Mother's Day?" She promptly told me that she was busy and hung up the phone. Okay, so I haven't spoken to her since. She's pushed me away, even though I tried not to let her, and honestly my life is less complicated with her in it. Now, you don't know the whole story, and I'm not going to go into it, so don't assume you do know and give me issues about not speaking to my mother anymore. Sorry, if I am coming off rude, but it's the truth. Very few people actually know the entire story, most can see why I don't talk to her, some can't. In the time she was in my life, I would try to be the good daughter and send her cards for this day, her birthday, Christmas or just because. Yesterday as I was glancing over the Mother's Day cards for my "surrogate" mom, I was brought back to a place where I would try to find a card for my mother during those 4 years. It was a bittersweet moment as I won't be sending anymore to her, but I also remembered how hard it was to find a card for her. The good ones always said something like, "Mother, you've been such an inspiration to me." or "Mother, you've raised me to be a wonderful woman." or "Mother, I don't know where I would be if it weren't for you." You know...things I really can't relate to and would always settle for a generic card. I hated buying cards for her, I really did. Sometimes even buying cards for my dad became grueling, although he was somewhat in my life growing up. Hallmark should have a section for me and other people, titled "There's a Little Disfunctional Family in All of Us", I could even write cards for them. I bet I would make money,lots of it!!!

In the past year, I've been slowly learning about how to let my friend's mom love me, be my mother figure, learning to open up to her more. It has not been easy for me, due to my part and being stubborn, and desperately wanting that affection from my actual mother that I was getting from her. Reazling that I will never receive the affection from my mom that I receive from my surrogate mom. And learning to accept that, be grateful for that, realizing how blessed I am by God to have her in my life, here in Arizona. And when I don't see my friend for a few weeks, I really miss him, but you know what, I really miss his family as well, especially his mom. I made myself a part of the family whether my friend wanted me to or not. I mean seriously...she's got a house full of men (hubby and two sons with another son out of state), she needs another woman around as her daughter in law lives out of state as well, to help balance out the family. Every once in awhile we have some girl time and just go to As You Wish and paint. We both love that. That reminds me, we are so overdue for a girl day.

I know I have told her this, and I will tell her again and again: Kathy, you're the best mom and I love you! I can't begin to explain how you have helped me this year, helped me grow, helped me find myself a little more. You believe in me and encourage me and inspire me to be a better woman.

Happy Mother's Day to all the moms!

Quotes of the day: "Being a full-time mother is one of the highest salaried jobs...since the payment is pure love." ~Mildred B. Vermont

"A mother's love is the fuel that enables a normal human being to do the impossible." ~Marion C. Garretty