Tuesday, May 4, 2010

I Keep Missing Her

It seems like lately that I have been missing my mom. Maybe it's because Mother's Day is this weekend and that usually has me missing my grandma as well. And I do miss gram, but I seem to be missing my mom more. I can't help but wonder why? How can I miss someone that I hardly knew? It's a natural feeling to miss someone, especially since it's not even be a year since her death. But I barely knew her and yet my heart aches.

Lately God has put two people back in my life who were around a long time ago. Somehow or another we lost contact, but recently reconnected. My mom has played into each of the people in one way or another. In one friendship, I thought she knew about me not being very close to my mom and the struggles I've had, but I had never told her. A few weeks ago, I felt prompted to tell her about my mom's death. Now unless you're someone close to me, I generally don't bring up my mom's passing or the exact cause of her death. But this night, I felt prompted to blurt it all out. The person stared at me with tears in her eyes, stunned to silence. After she composed herself, she told me that her mother in law was experiencing the exact same thing. See, my mother's cause of death is still under investigation, but ultimately her cause of death was a domestic violence situation. I am getting better about talking about how my mom died. This friend began telling me about her mother in law and things that have happened. And I felt as though she was talking about my mother, telling me my mother's life story. It was scary how similar the stories were. Although my mom's situation ended in her death, it's almost like God orchestrated that conversation and my friend needed to hear my side of the story. I cried the entire way home that night. My heart ached for her mother in law while still grieving my mother's passing.

Another friendship is one that did know about my situation with my mom a long time ago. We've seen each other a few times at church. This weekend I sat with her and her husband. We were catching up and she out of the blue asked, "How is your mom doing?" She caught me off guard because I realize that she didn't know. I tried to subdue the lump in my throat as I told her that she was gone and September will be a year that she passed. I know she wasn't expecting it. She asked what happened and I before I got a chance to say anything, she figured it out. Horror came over her face as she answered her own question. I began missing my mom more. I know she's not suffering any more, but the mere fact that she's not physically here on earth, is still hard to process.

I said earlier that I was puzzled as to how is it that I'm missing someone I barely knew. But, every time I look in the mirror, I am reminded of my mom. My eyes are green and brown, but the dominant color is green. Green was the color of my mom's eyes. My gentle spirit came from her. My love of reading came from her. My love of animals came from her. I have so many of her attributes that it's no wonder I miss her more and more every day.

I think everything that has happened is just all part of the big ol' healing process.

1 comment:

idnim said...

Healing takes a long time but it does get better. It's been 16 years since my Dad passed away and I still miss him. I know your pain my friend. I didn't really know him either but I love him. I think that missing someone we didn't know is very easy when they are our parent.