Although I was at church last night, I didn't make it to service at all. My plans were to attend the 6:30 with Vernae and Rachel like I always do. Well...a friend, Vernae, needed me more than I needed to go to church. Although she managed to get upstairs in the elevator, it broke shortly after and she wasn't able to get downstairs to come to church. At about 6:15, I began to worry where she might be. I found someone in Children's Ministry who proceeded to tell me the elevator was broken and she was stuck upstairs. My first comment out of my mouth was, "She's not stuck in the elevator is she?" She wasn't. Whew! I go upstairs and the maintenance guys are trying to figure out what to do, how to get her and her chair down. I ran down and got the police officers that were on campus. They came up with me and they immediately called the fire department. In that time Rachel came up as well. Probably about 10 of the HOTTEST firemen in Mesa came into help her. Rachel and I wanted to start being sick so we can get assistance as well. All joking aside, they were really helpful and it makes me extremely grateful fire/police/medics exist. They took her out of her wheelchair, put her in a folding chair with me and Rachel sitting next to her, then proceeded to carry her 400 lb. chair downstairs, 5 minutes later they came back up and got her and in a matter of no time she was safe on the ground. I'm so thankful that Rachel and I were both there, I wouldn't of wanted Vernae to experience that evening alone. Afterwards we just sat and loved on her outside of church, she needed us as that moment more than anything. Some thoughts came into her head and caused her to be upset.
I had a very random encounter last night as Vernae as getting on the bus. I was talking to a friend, when an old friend came up. He's the one I was referring to in my "Be the bigger person" blog. He came up and hugged me, which was weird, but good. We hung out last night, and although we didn't talk about anything I referred to in the blog (we had other people with us), somehow I knew everything was going to be okay with him.
I am honestly still struggling with being back at Central. I am trying to remember that it's not about me, it's about God, soley about God. I feel as though I don't have a purpose there anymore, but yet I feel as though God is not finished with me yet at Central. And I feel as though I'm wandering around that campus like a very lost person. Time has changed, things have changed, people have changed. It's my church that I've known for so long, yet it's not the same church at all. I came to help at the preschool ministry but they were fully staffed at the 4:30 service. I decided to just sit outside and do some Bible reading. Gosh, I really love Hebrews, it's my favorite book. I've read it so many times. God was really showing me some things on Saturday. A staff member's husband who I have known for years came up to me. They are older (maybe in their 60's), but I just have the highest respect for him. God pushed him in my direction yesterday, gave him the words I needed to hear. He sat and talked with me for about 20 minutes. We said our friendly hellos and then he said, "How are you, Brandy? You know I used to see you all the time, then I didn't see you at all, now I see you some, but not as much as I used to." I confessed to him that I had left the church for 8 months and God had brought me back and the things I was still struggling with. He confessed he struggled with the same thing. "Are you happy, Brandy?" My response was, "Yes for the most part. I just feel so lost here sometimes." I could feel the tears coming, one came trickling down my cheek, but forced them to stop. I can't cry in front of someone, especially him. He said he understood and if it made any difference he said he missed my smiling face on campus and I always brightened his day. He said he could see the love I have for God on my face, in my smile. If you can see it on my face....why can't I feel it? I love God, I really do. I try my hardest to keep on track with him, but it's the hardest thing I encounter in my life.
For the most part, I surround myself with people who encourage me in my faith, but there's that one person, who does not walk with God. I see her more than anyone, and she makes it difficult for me to keep my light going. A few days ago, I got some food for a homeless woman. No biggie, I do that all the time. I always say, "God Bless You". They usually say thanks and take the food. Not this woman...she was different. She followed me back across the street and began to tell me her story and how she needed money. I explained to her that I don't give out money, but I will gladly feed people like I just did. I then explained to her irregardless of her circumstances, God still loved her, always loved her, no matter what. She broke down crying and said she knew that, but just needed to hear it. We talked for a little longer, then I left. As I drove off, I became really convicted of my actions. Why didn't I pray with her? Why? She was obviously reaching out to me. But...two things crossed my mind as I was talking to her, one is what would people think if they saw me praying with her? Why did I let myself get caught up in the world and lose focus on God? Because that is what happened. Also, there was another homeless guy across the street, who was making his way over to me. For a brief moment, I felt that my safety was in danger. Gosh, Bran, could you be any more caught up in "worldly" things? I could of fed him as well, and prayed with both of them. But I didn't, I was too caught up in my own thoughts and for that I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, that night I failed at being a Christian. I may have been the only encounter those people had to show God's love and I completely blew it. I cried myself to sleep that night, begging for forgiveness. I hate disappointing God more than anything.
"At the cross you beckon me, draw me gently to my knees, and I'm so lost for words, so in love, sweetly broken, wholly surrendered."