Looking Back

What up, blog world? Once again I am a failure at keeping this updated? What in the world has happened to me? I used to blog all the time. I’d like to say I vow this year to write more, but who am I kidding? I only hop on here every six months or so.

These past three months have been a whirlwind of changes. I have mentioned before, I am so not a fan of changes. Some have been great, some have been bad. In the middle of November, I left my job @ the hospital. I had applied to work back with the government and after a long waiting period, I got the call offering me a job. This job was in Anderson which is where my church is located. Anderson is also where I volunteer. It’s also more than $2/hr and it’s working back with Medicaid. I excitedly told my new manager yes three times that I would take the position.

Shortly after I started, I found this great place to live. It’s in the heart of downtown and literally across the street from my job. It is a lovely 2 bedroom apartment. I just love it so much. I reveled at the fact that I was moving closer to my church family. I loved that I would be more available to help extra at the church or babysit for some of the kids that I teach. Little did I know that I would be the one who would need the help of my church family.

On Christmas day, I was carrying out a basket full of presents to the car. It wasn’t a heavy basket, but as I was carrying it, I felt a very sharp shooting pain down the back of my left leg and almost immediately my foot went numb. I did think it was weird, but it seemed to go away. I enjoyed the day with minimal pain after that. The next day I couldn’t walk at all. The shooting pain was now going down the back of both of my legs. Do you know how scary it is to experience pain so bad that you can’t walk at all? I had experienced back pain in the past on a quarterly basis, but this was nothing I had ever experienced. I knew something was horribly wrong. I vowed to spend the day nursing whatever was going on with lots of rest and medicine round the clock. At one point the pain was so bad to stand, I had to drop down to my hands and knees and crawl from the bedroom to the living room. Nothing seemed to help. When I woke up the next morning, the pain was still there but had worsened. I finally made the decision to go to the ER.

The ER had taken an xray and said they found nothing wrong, but sent me home with some pain pills, muscle relaxers, and a steroid and told me to follow up with my doctor for MRI. I got in with my doctor a few days later and had my MRI scheduled for two weeks away. The MRI determined that I have a bulging disc and Spinal Stenosis. The report mentioned SEVERE spinal stenosis. I was referred to a neurosurgeon. My appt is 2/9.

During the time in between the ER and just last week, I had to learn to stop being so stubborn about asking and accepting help. There was so much I couldn’t do any more. Even the simple task of cleaning out my cat’s litter box caused immense pain. My church family was with me every step of the way. From taking me to the ER, to grocery shopping, taking out my garbage, cleaning out Toffee’s box, taking me to doctor’s appt, and bringing me food. Even my new coworkers helped me by picking me up for work or getting me some coffee. I was shown what community was really like. It has all been very humbling. I am so thankful for all of them. I am also thankful that I listened to God by asking for or accepting help. I wouldn’t have been able to survive without any of the help I received.

So, what now? Looking back at why I’m having such trouble with my back, I’m quite positive it’s because of my weight. And I am honestly so mad at myself for never really being too serious about losing weight. I have been obese all of my life. I can never look back and remember myself being thin. But now I worry…is it too late to change? Have I ruined my back forever by being so overweight? Am I never going to experience what it’s like to walk normal again? Is this my new normal? Am I going to have to live on pain pills the rest of my life? Is surgery in my future? I don’t know the answer to any of these questions. My mind is overwhelmed with these questions.

I have really been in a funk lately with this back stuff. I am so thankful for everyone’s help, but I miss my independence desperately. I miss just being able to grocery shop as well as other little things. And although I haven’t voiced this to a lot of people, my depression is rearing its ugly head. I don’t want to be someone who is in chronic pain or someone who has to live on pain pills. I realize people live like this every day and I’m not judging them for that. But I don’t want to be included in that category. I don’t do well with medicine in general and pain pills just make me so groggy. If I could turn back time to amend this weight situation knowing what I know now, I would. But I can’t. And it may be too late to fix anything. I am willing to try everything before succumbing to surgery. That is a last option.

I find myself holding onto Jesus’ hand more now than ever. I am scared of what my future holds and clinging on to Jesus is about the only thing that is going to get me through. I know He hears my cries and He sees my pain.I know He knows how worried I am. And I know He knows the future and no matter what happens, I will be okay.

“Faith is the bird that sings when the dawn is still dark.”

~Unknown