The Fish in the Sea

For so long, I was okay with being single. I always admired Paul in the Bible for being one of Jesus' biggest fans. God had special plans for him and Paul stayed single till the end of his life. I've always said I could serve God better while I'm single. But for the last 8 months or so, my heart has started longing to be in a relationship with a Godly man. I suppose it's because everyone around me is in a relationship or married or on the way to being married. I don't go anywhere to meet people so I decided to try the online thing again. I've been scared to do it since I actually had a stalker situation a long time ago. Sadly to say, his actions have scarred me for a long time. And getting around this wall I've put up isn't easy.

Although I haven't actually met anyone in person from online sites, I've talked to a few, given them my numbers. Bleah, bleah, bleah. It's all quite...exhausting really. I hate the whole process of getting to know someone online. Guys say they are interested in getting to know me, I start to open up even just a little, then they show their true colors. And I'm left thanking God we never actually met, but also wondering, "What the heck is wrong with me?" I'll rack my brain wondering where I went wrong. Perhaps I'm the pyscho one and I just don't see it. Really though, I'm the most average person in the entire world. I'm pretty easy to get along with, I don't have any baggage with me. But again, maybe they see me as psycho. Who knows? It's really starting to give me a complex unfortunately.

Today, I was pushed over the edge and decided to be done with online sites all together. I started talking to a guy about 2 weeks ago. We've been emailing, then it went to texting. I told him I would make the first call when I was ready to talk to him. I decided to do that this past Friday. It's pretty clear this man is looking to "wife" someone up and it was bothering me how he pushed the want to remarry and have children. He even went so far as to ask if I would be willing to put my education or career on hold to have children. That really bothered me because I have the accepted the fact I probably won't have children because I'm not getting any younger. I didn't tell him that and I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. And he wanted to talk to me on the phone everyday when I specifically told him I didn't like talking on the phone too much. I was just about to tell him he needed to slow down and then he text me this morning and said he had met someone else and they had started dating. I didn't respond back, what was I supposed to say? Although I was about to tell him to slow down and possibly reject him, he rejected me first and it still hurt. All I could do is just delete his number.

God knows what is on my heart and I'm working on re-understanding that it may not be in His plan for me to have a mate. For so long, the only man I wanted in my life was God. I need to get back to that thinking. He's really the only thing I need.

"I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife— and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband.  I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord." 1Corinthians 7:32-35