Tuesday, August 9, 2011

I Dread the Nights

I decided a long time ago to never touch a drop of alcohol ever again. I've kept that promise and it's been at least 12 years since I've had any alcohol. I made this vow not because of my drinking history. I really don't have a drinking history. Yeah, I drank a little bit when I was younger, but I can only recall 2 times where I was drunk. Drinking never appealed to me and I didn't like to be drunk because I was not in control of my life. I made that vow to never drink again because for as long as I can remember I've been around alcoholics. My grandfather, my father, & my mother. Granted I wasn't around my mom a lot growing up. But in the short times I've encountered her, she was always drunk. Alcoholism is said to be genetic. And in all honestly, I don't want to be anything like them. I don't want to be in a situation where I am not in control of my life, where alcohol is the most important thing to me.

Looking back on my childhood, I remember bursts of anger, abuse towards family members. I remember days of making drinks for my grandpa and my dad. My two younger siblings and I could make a drink with our eyes shut. I have a lot of memories of my childhood, and alcohol unfortunately is part of those memories. Alcohol was such a big part of my childhood that my father and cousin put a pint of Jack Daniels in my grandfather's coffin. Because when they thought of my grandpa, they thought of him drinking.

I absolutely hate alcohol. Hate it. I hate the way it smells, I hate the way it tastes, I hate the way people act when they are drunk, and I especially hate what it does to my loved ones. I really don't want to be around anyone who drinks. I put up with it in social settings because I know that I won't have to deal with it very long. I don't judge people for drinking socially, it's just not something I want to be a part of. There were many times where I wouldn't go to something because I knew there would be alcohol involved.

I remember once even putting myself in Al-Anon because my father was stressing me out so badly after my grandma died. He constantly called at 1 or 2 in the morning drunk. It was a lot for me to handle. His drinking has calmed down due to his heart problem. And I see his heart problem as a blessing in disguise, it's the only thing that opened his eyes about his drinking.

For so long, I've lived my life and chose not to surround myself around any drinking at all. Now, I'm right back into it and I feel as though I'm reliving my childhood again. I knew moving in with my dad and girlfriend that alcohol would come into my life again. They both drink, with her drinking more than him (only because of his heart). The entire attitude of the house changes when 4pm hits. The first drink is poured, a cream soda and Vodka. From that point forward, the drinks continue to flow until about 9 or 10 at night. At that point the drinking has commenced and it's now time for dinner. Yes, we eat dinner that late every night. Last night dinner was at 10:30. I finished up the dishes at 11:30. At first she was drinking and would get a little buzzed. But it seems for the past month her nightly drinking has become nights of drunkenness. I can always tell when it happens, I see her make the numerous drinks, her eyes start to get a little glassy, her speech is slurred, she starts making no sense at all when she talks. Oh and let's just throw some pot into the mix, because she smokes that every day as well. I hate it. Hate it, hate it, hate it.

Hate it.

Last night, I couldn't get the dishes finished quick enough to get to bed. I was at a breaking point and wound up crying myself to sleep. All I can do is keep praying is to find a job soon because I don't know how more I can handle and I'm afraid of blowing up. The option of talking to my dad is out of the question. I already know his reaction and I would probably be looking for a place to stay soon after the conversation. She's not willing to change, I realized that a few days ago as we were at my cousin's house. My cousin has realized her alcoholism has taken over her life and is trying really hard to quit. She's fallen off the wagon twice in a year, but she knows she needs to quit. I'm proud of her, I know it can't be easy, but she's trying. My dad's gf said in the car as we were driving back that she was happy for my cousin and would respect her enough not to drink at her house. But if my cousin came to our house, the drinking would still take place. She said she wasn't changing her ways for someone visiting us.

It just makes me sad.

There's so much more I can say about this, but it's pointless. It's the same thing over and over again, night after night. I'll never be okay with it, never. Once again I am in a role reversal. I'm the parent and they are the children. A role I'm familiar with more than I want to be.


Anonymous said...

Brandy,,,,yes I follow your blog! I am very sorry you find yourself in this roll. I pray that you will find a job soon ..... I know you are trying very hard.

You are making good choices though. You can't be in charge of your Dad's drinking nor his girlfriends and you are absolutely right; inserting your opinion would do nothing but damage your relationship. God changes people, we live the attitudes and examples that can be used by God to prick a conscious and help someone desire to seek change. Would it not be great if one day they came to you and asked you for help. Just remember what you place in your Bio 'I'm learning how to live my life to fully glorify Him every day.'

I miss you Brandy... you are one of the few people I knew at church....Ted Snyder

Sara Marie said...

Oh, friend. I can hear, and almost feel, your heart hurting as I read this. I know this transition isn't ideal, but hang in there. Prayers are abundant from our family. We love you!!!!

mlw said...

Just followed your blog, I can so relate to this post, hang in there I'm sure you are strong enough to get through this.

Beth Crawford said...

Wow! I've thought almost every thing you said. The best part about this entry for me was, that you managed to say it well. Something I've NEVER been able to do, only when it's come down to confronting my own feelings about my families alchoholism, because everytime I try I turn into a helpless child. Well done! It was brave, even if only on a blog.