Wednesday, August 17, 2011


Ever since my grandma died, I've just felt lost. I somehow felt as though I didn't belong with my own blood family and started to seek other people out to "adopt" me into their family. Over the past few years, I've slowly started to feel like I am part of my own family. Now that I am living with my dad, I am desperately trying to make some sort of "family" with him and his girlfriend.

It's difficult for me. They are so used to functioning with just themselves. I sometimes feel as though I am throwing a wrench into things. I stated in my last post they eat really late. I hate eating so late, but I do it because I want to eat with them. I want to sit down and have some sort of normalcy with my new family. Even if it's sitting in the living room with the TV trays while we eat. It's important to me to eat with them. It's not something I had growing up.

Just the little things that families may or may not do are all valuable to me. There are so many things to do in Indiana, I had suggested that maybe on Sundays we could do something as a family, all three of us. Everyone seemed fine with it, but I heard my dad's girlfriend on the phone talking to two different people. Each time she said we were having family time on Sunday, she emphasized "family". It was almost like she was mocking me. And it just hurt each time I heard her. Maybe she didn't mean anything by it, maybe she did. I consider her family, but maybe she doesn't think the same of me.

I decided on Sunday on the way home that I won't ever ask them to do anything again and I'll just have to explore everything alone. That's just the way I am, I always tend to feel as though I am a burden. I know I am not, but that's the depression talking. By her emphasizing the word family, it suddenly made me feel like I was a big burden. I really think she would have rather stayed home on Sunday and watched Nascar instead of going to the river. My dad was all gung ho about it, even though we didn't find what we were looking for. But I think if it came down to coming out with his daughter or staying home with his girlfriend who doesn't want to really explore anything, he would choose the second choice.

And so, I just won't ask about anything anymore.


Christina said...

Oh Bran! That makes me sad for you! If you were closer we'd have you come do family stuff with us! I think you're on to something with not asking for it. If they offer interest, jump on it, if not, do your own thing. Have you found a church yet? Find "family" through your church. I'm sorry that your feelings were hurt. What's the plan with your living arrangements? Do you plan to stay there long term, or is this a short term thing? Prayers for you my dear! Keep your chin up!

Sara Marie said...

Again, I can feel the aching through your written word. I know the feeling of being a third wheel and trying to fit yourself into someone's life. I felt like that almost our entire time in AZ (trying to find a place to "belong" and never really finding it). Praying for you, knowing God has big things, starting with the new job. Love ya!

Poze said...

Nice post