It's a well know fact that is my public blog. Everyone and their grandmother seems to read this blog. And although I don't get a lot of comments, it does seem that I have a following of sorts. People always tell me they read this blog. I always find it funny because I think my life is so boring sometimes. Sometimes people will email me and thank me for showing my vulnerability on this blog. I find that funny too that people think my struggles with my faith or tithing or whatever is showing my vulnerable side. I suppose in some ways it is. I'm open about my struggles...but not all of them. Lately, I've really been struggling with being transparent on here more than I normally would. But always stopped because I'm ashamed. I'm scared. I'm desperately afraid that you'll judge me or feel sorry for me. And so my thoughts go to my private blog for only a chosen few to read them.
Last night in church, the message was on the "Sin of Arrogance". Sin of being prideful and not letting people see the real you for fear of being judged. *Takes a deep breath* Jeremy said that once you can let people see the real you, you can be free. I can be the person God wants me to me. *Takes another deep breath*
Listed below is an entry I wrote back in December on my private blog. It's a letter to an author of a book that moved me. The book is called, "Comes the Darkness, Comes the Light" by Vanessa Vega. The letter is dark, it's scary, it's nothing that you know of the Brandy who you see everyday. It's who I am, what is really deep down inside going on. Again I am not writing this for you to feel sorry for me. I'm writing this on here publicly in hopes of being free or being close to being free from the darkness that overwhelms me.
*Takes a deep breath*
Last week I was at the library. I went up to the section of “Self-help” to look for a book on Tourette’s Syndrome. As I made my way to the section where the book was located, there were some books displayed on the end cap, one of them was your book, which caught my eye. It wasn’t the title that caught my eye, but the subtitle, “A Memoir of cutting, healing, and hope”. I was immediately drawn to your book, and become very intrigued as I read the back of your book. It talked about darkness, the same kind of darkness I desperately struggle with.
I came home and immediately started reading your book. About fifty pages into the book, I really felt that you were inside my head. Your thoughts were so much like mine, that it was scary, emotional. I struggle with people telling me I’m a failure and a disappointment, or whether they tell me that, I feel like it a lot. And although I have never cut myself or attempted suicide, I honestly think about killing myself every day. The reason for me never attempting suicide is for the pure fact that I’m afraid I would be one of those people who fail and be a vegetable the rest of my life. And that is probably something I couldn’t handle.
In your book, I could see why you were cutting. You said something about the pain you experience on your arm was easier to deal with than the pain of what you were experiencing in your head. I’ve been struggling with depression for quite awhile. Maybe all the way back to May. I have never sought help because I have trust issues. The thought of me talking to a complete stranger about my problems is enough to make my stomach turn. All my close friends try to advise me to get help, but I really don’t think that they know I struggle with wanting to kill myself.
Sometimes I wonder what amount of pills would do me in, sometimes I think about smashing my car into a wall, sometimes I think about finding what artery is a main one and slashing it to bleed to death. Like I said, I never attempted any of this, but the thoughts are constantly there. The first day of having your book, I was 100 pages into it. That first day was the day that I decided that I needed to get help. I was tired of crying and living in a world of darkness, tired of wanting to kill myself, thinking that would make everything okay. I’m a very strong believer in God, and I kept thinking God would pull me through this and I didn’t need help. But even my faith wasn’t strong enough to get me through this, I struggle with feeling like I’m a disappointment to God as well. But your book helped me realize that I needed to get help. I didn’t want to go from having those thoughts to acting on them.
I finished your book last night and felt compelled to email you. I hope this gets to you. Maybe you get thousands of emails like this a day and this will fall through the cracks, but it doesn’t matter. I wanted to thank you for putting yourself out there, showing your deepest struggles for the world to see. It must of been so difficult for you, but I can sit here and say that your words, your thoughts, your struggles, your tears…has helped me more than I can ever possibly write.
*Opens eyes* Is it over yet? To my surprise the author did respond back to me, but due to length I've chosen to omit that part. Yes, that's me. That's my struggles, depressed and suicidal. I am in counseling every two weeks for this. I finally got help the first of the year because I didn't want to cross over from thinking about suicide to actually trying to commit suicide. But the depression is still there and the suicidal thoughts ravish my brain more than I care to admit. But the counselor is helping me. Slowly I am getting better, but I still have my days. Through it all, Kathy, Kristine, Julie, Heather, Martha, and Jason have been there. They've held me up, when I couldn't do it myself. They are always a phone call away whenever my minds starts to race about bad things. Constantly reminding me that God is with me as well.