Thursday, November 13, 2008

Shutting my brain off

I am in love with the auto brew button on my coffee pot. There really is nothing better than waking up to a fresh brewed pot of coffee, especially since I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night. The second I opened my door, I smelled the coffee that had permeated through the apartment. Groggy and in my best Homer Simpson voice, I said, “Mmmmmm….coffee.” It was really needed this morning.

I was trying to think this morning, when was the last time I had a decent night of sleep. It definitely hasn’t happened recently. Last night, I went to bed at midnight, woke up at 3 a.m., stayed up until 4:30 a.m. and then fell asleep, only for my alarm to go off at 5. Gah! If I do sleep, it’s usually less than 4 hours and it’s not restful. My bed looks as though I was fighting with my comforter.

I’ve been struggling with not sleeping since probably about May. When I lay down, I can’t get my mind to shut off. I wind up lying there looking at the stars. The people who lived in the apartment before me had a kid who had glow in the dark stars on the ceiling. Even though the room was painted over, I can still very clearly see the stars and will literally lay in bed at night at stare at them. My brain is rushing with so many thoughts; I can’t even begin to close my eyes. So, I lay there and look at the fake stars on my ceiling remembering my childhood years when life was so simple.

Lately, I’m just stressed out about everything. And when I lay in bed, I have plenty of time to think about everything coming at me. Sometimes the thoughts overwhelm me so bad; I just won’t sleep at all.

I’m stressed out about school. I have never despised a class as much as I despise this one. I’m not sure what to do about everything and I’m just counting down until the class is over. I’m not the only one struggling; a lot of students have complained to the department head about my professor. I try not to be negative, but seriously this guy is a joke and everyone in the class thinks it. Even my Spanish teacher who was a Nazi last semester is nothing compared to my Anatomy & Physiology teacher.

I’m stressed out about finances. I have made stupid decisions in the past that to this day still haunt me. I have gotten better with my money, but still screw up sometimes even now. I’ve always lived paycheck to paycheck with debt getting the best of me and I’m sick of it. I know it’s nobody’s fault but my own. I can’t help but wonder if I’ll ever be financially stable.

I’m stressed about moving. It’s not the moving part that’s stressing me out yet, but it’s the whole idea of not having an idea of when it’s going to happen. I am shooting for August, but it could happen sooner. Everything is in limbo and I am a total planner. And the fact that I can’t really plan for this and set a date is stressing me out. I don’t do well on last minute things. I’m not a procrastinator and like to start things like packing early.

I’m stressed about a friendship that appears to be lost forever.

I’m just stressed and now you can see why I can’t sleep.

I haven’t felt like reading too many blogs lately, but promise to work on that tonight.

Quote of the day: “Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.” ~Unknown

1 comment:

Sheri said...

I can relate to months of wrestling, restlessness, and sleeplessness. So, I agree auto-brew is the BEST! I'm thinking perhaps you have the same A&P teacher I had. Absolute nighmare of a class. It's actually the class that changed my course of direction and stopped me from pursuing my nursing degree. Good or bad choice, I don't know really - but the thought of retaking that class because at that point an A was required in the class to even dream/hope of getting into one of the actual nursing programs. So my choice was to veer to a new direction.

Hang in there. God is faithful and His timing is always perfect. It rarely fits into our perceived timeframe, but thankfully He knows a bit more than I/we.

You are a treasure in His flock and don't ever forget that. Keep allowing Him to speak to your heart, to pick you up when you get a bit off course and to guide you back.