Seriously, I should be in bed right now. I really should be. It's really not that late, it's only 11 p.m. AZ time. I can usually last another hour or so. There is so much going on in my head that my brain is racing. Although, it could be the coffee I had about 6:30 or so. Who knows. I am literally exhausted which comes from pet-sitting in the summer. Since the end of May, I have had 4 pet-sitting jobs and I still have 2 more before it will end for the summer. I do enjoy the extra money, but when you're going from house to house, living out of a suitcase, driving back and forth, sleeping in someone else's bed all the time...it's literally exhausting. Speaking of a bed, oh man, my bed, not somebody else's, is sounding so good right now. I only get to sleep in it tonight before I am off again. I need to sit down and pay bills. Today I finally went through my mail after being gone for two weeks only to discover I had a meeting to attend for Vacation Bible School this afternoon. Crap! It's a good thing I checked my mail, I was able to attend the meeting. I have really been thinking of either raising my rates for pet-sitting or becoming employed with a private company. The gas to and from is literally killing me and I am not coming ahead with the money I make. It's all being put in the Camry.
I am one of those type of people who will try their darndest to hide if something is going on. I really don't want people to take pity on me, feel sorry for me, etc. Yesterday, one of my friends called to see how I was doing. She said I had been heavy on her heart for the past few days. I told her everything was fine. I hung up the phone and realized that something is going on, but I'm not quite sure what it is. I hate when someone knows me better then I want them to. Not that it's a bad thing, but I will try so hard to hide whatever I need to hide, but someone will usually see the look on my face or a change in my voice and know something is up. I am not good at disguising myself when I need it most.
So, what's up, Brandy? I'm not sure, to be honest. I'm either starting to go into a funk or I am in one. I guessing the first one. Isn't it funny, how one can determine when they are going into a "funk"? I think some of it maybe from flat exhaustion, pure busyness. It's my turn to write a devotion this week, guess what I am writing it on...making time for God. I seem to be slacking in that department lately. And when I don't make time for him, I can definitely feel it. Lately my quiet time hasn't been so quiet and my brain just doesn't want to shut off so I can listen to God. And I so just need to be quiet and listen to him speak to me. I need his guidance now more than ever with various things going on in my life. With my busy schedule, I've slipped up on my walking routine. Blasted I was doing so good. It's so difficult staying motivated and I am really doing this alone, which makes it even harder. I feel so distant from a lot of people, so close to others. Not sure what to do about the distant relationships, not sure if I even have the strength to deal with the distant ones. I have found as I have gotten older, that my strength when it comes to relationships is weakened. I've been hurt so many times by so many people that my heart has hardened to people and I really don't want to make the effort I should for a new relationship. Horrible? Yes, I know. It seems a lot of the times, I am the one keeping the relationship going and it's just draining. I'm so tired of it. Hmmm...this is just some of the things that are swirling around in my head. And to top everything off, August 5th is coming quicker than I want it to. And it never gets any easier, even after 8 years.
I'm out. I need to attempt to get some sleep, the way it's looking, I might get about 5 hours tonight.
"At the cross, you beckon me, draw me gently to my knees, and I'm so lost for words, so in love, sweetly broken, wholly surrendered."