Sunday, December 9, 2007

Sweetly Broken

There is a song called "Sweetly Broken", by Jeremy Riddle. I heard that song on the radio today as I was driving to church. The past few days have been hard, horrible even. I so needed to hear that song this morning. I felt God's arms really wrapped around me when that song came on. I immediately starting feeling better. For the past couple of weeks, I've just been down. I've become such a pro at hiding it, I think. I guess every time about this year, I get this way. Depressed and feeling lonely. I know a lot of it has to do with my grandma being gone. Christmas is the biggest reminder because she was all about the holidays and family getting together. I don't have that strong family structure anymore, not here, in Arizona. But it's that and a combination of many other things. I felt so alone yesterday, just in all aspects of my life. I think a lot of the times, I seclude myself from people, things. But that is how I deal with everything. Last night, I cried myself to sleep. Yeah, you would think that only kids do that, not really. I cried so hard, I gave myself a headache, which as of right now, I still have. I don't cry in front of people a lot, so that is my solitude time. And boy if my pillows could talk! I prayed for God to just take away the pain of everything I was feeling and just wrap his arms around me. I don't know when I fell asleep, I really don't. I sometimes think I'm depressed and I need help, honestly I do. The spurts of depression comes and goes. I don't vocalize half of what I should, it's all pent up in this head of mine. I have issues, I suppose we all do. I tend to think I have more issues then some, but I know people have had a way harder life than me. I have come to realize that I crave love and affection. I haven't really felt it since my grandma passed. Yes, I have some family members that I love, I have dear friends that I love as well, but I always feel like something is missing. I feel so lost in the world, my entire world. Especially lately with me church hopping every week. I'm so sick of doing that. Today, I just didn't have the strength to go to a new church, but I woke up still feeling horrible and alone. I knew I needed to go to church. I know that even though I may feel alone, God is always there. Sometimes it's just hard to feel his presence. I got up and went to church, to Broadway. God guided me there today, I have gone there three times now. I think that is the church I'm going to call home. God helped me get through the day, I knew he would. I am feeling better, but still have a little bout of something...

"At the cross you beckon me, you draw me gently to my knees,

and I am lost for words, so lost in love, I'm sweetly broken, wholly surrendered."

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