Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Oh mother

I guess I have always known this, but I'm coming to realize it even more recently, I have "mom" issues. For the past two weeks in Bible Study we have talked about things like forgiveness and acceptance. And last night, it really came about. I without a doubt have some serious "mom" issues. I know most of you can't relate to this because your mother happens to be around. This will be a long post. But here is what I am dealing with:

The only mother figure I had in my life was my grandma. She's had me since I was 4. I loved her and we were very close, but she was always my grandma, not my mom. This person has been gone for almost 7 years now. I miss her and there isn't a day where I don't think about her. She raised me and has shaped me into the adult that I am today. I thought she was hard on me growing up, but looking back I can see why she was so strict on me.

Then we have Pam, who is my biological mother. She wasn't around at all while I was growing up. I honestly went 20 years or so without seeing her or hearing from her. About 4 years ago, I decided to find her. Which is a huge praise. I had prepared myself for the worst and the best of the situation, the worst- she wanted nothing to do with me, the best- she wanted to have a relationship with me. But I DID NOT prepare myself for anything else like the fact that she's a serious alcoholic and she's married to a man who has been abusing her for most of their marriage. I honestly don't know what is going to kill her first, the alcohol or her husband. She won't get help for either situation. It's strange talking to her because she's my mother, but she's trying to find out about me and I often remember she's a complete stranger to me. I find it weird and uncomfortable to call her mom, because for so long I referred to her Pam. I am aware of the fact that I still have some anger and forgiveness issues with her. She wasn't there for the milestones in my life, it was always grandma. But she's my mother and I'm learning to love her. But she has caused me a lot of grief in the four years she has been back in my life. Probably the most grief I've experienced in the whole 30 years I've been alive.

Then there's Karen. She married my dad a long time ago. Five years ago, my 18 year old cousin was killed in a car accident. My dad was the only one who was able to attend her funeral. Karen called my dad the day of my cousin's funeral and said she wanted a divorce. Right after she did that, she called me to explain her side of the story before my dad called me. Her side? She screwed around on my father. Okay fine. I was never a big fan of Karen and wasn't upset that she wouldn't be around. I never once called her mom and can remember how much I despised that woman growing up. I kept in contact with her after the divorce for the sake of my brother and sister. I told Karen, I did not want to be in the middle of the divorce and not to down talk my dad. He's not the greatest of people, but he's my father and I wouldn't put up with her talking bad about him. She kept talking about him and I lost contact with her on purpose. So my little sister is telling me that she says I'm crazy for getting in contact with Pam. My mother and my stepmother have never met, by the way. She's also saying Pam didn't care about me when I was younger why would she care about me now as well as Karen was the closest thing I had to a mother. Whatever.

Think I'm done? Nope, there's one more, Donna. I have known her for a few years now. I went to Chile with her and Dominican Republic with her and her husband. They have decided to "adopt" me as one of their daughters. Okay, I'm cool with that. I really want to have "parental figures" that love me and care for me. But recently she has been doing what everybody else has been doing, letting me down. It has just been various things with her.

So, a combination of all these things as well as some unspoken issues with them is the reason I have "mom" issues. I don't know what it's like to have that mother/ daughter bond. I have no clue what it means when you say "I just need my mom." when something goes wrong or your sick. It's all foreign to me. And I'm honestly jealous of people who have a good relationship with their mom. I know I shouldn't be, but try to put yourself in my shoes. This post is not a "Woe to Brandy" post, but more of a try to understand what's in Brandy's head.

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