A life quickly passed

I worked with a man named Bobby in the ACTS ministry. And I will be honest in saying that I didn't know him too well. I never really had a conversation with him. But I knew who he was, I knew he had been homeless about 3 years ago. I knew that he started coming to ACTS as a guest and found Jesus along the way. I knew he came back to ACTS to volunteer to spread the love of Jesus to other homeless people.

Today, I attended Bobby's funeral. Last week, I received an email from someone at Central telling me that Bobby passed away. My heart instantly fell. He was 36, I think. Died of a heart attack.

And like I said, I didn't know him, but out of respect for him I felt I needed to attend his funeral.

Funerals are never good, but today, today was different. There were a lot of tears, but honestly, there seemed to be more laughter. Because as someone put it, we came to celebrate the life of Bobby. Some of his family and friends spoke. They all said the same thing, Bobby was one ornery man and how each of them learned various things like patience, forgiveness, and grace from this man. They all told funny stories about him and through tears, they all shared how much he loved everyone. How amazing he truly was.

He's always had heart problems and came to ACTS over three years ago broken and beaten. He had just had heart surgery and was addicted to Crystal Meth. Through two ladies, who took the time to love him, pray for him, he managed to get his life together and get off of drugs. He surrendered his life to Jesus and was baptized just over two years ago. One of the ladies spoke how he loved to talk about Jesus to people, he loved to invite them to church.

During the entire service, I wondered about his family. I didn't know any of them and wasn't sure if any of them were believers. They spoke about how they tried to help him, but he wasn't ready for help. But then came to ACTS and got help from the ministry. As people spoke about his love for Jesus, I couldn't help wonder if his decision to follow Christ impacted his family. Are they following God because of him? Did they all think he was crazy for following God? I honestly don't know.

I am not normally an emotional person and I have gotten pretty good about keeping it together at funerals. But, they showed his baptism video. There were many family members who hadn't seen Bobby in many years and today watching his baptism, was the first time in a long time they had seen him. I think it made it more real and watching his baptism and that is what brought the tears on, not just with me. I believe the entire chapel was crying. It was noted that after he was baptized, he actually received a standing ovation that day.

When they asked him if he accepted Jesus as his Lord and Savior, his response was, "You betcha."

I could only pray that his faith in Jesus made an impact on his family. And if they didn't follow Christ, they decide to after watching that amazing baptism.

He will be missed here on Earth. I already felt the void of him being gone this past Saturday at ACTS. But, I'm kind of jealous of Bobby right now, he's in Heaven, living the good life with Jesus.

Hopefully when his family passes away, they will be right up there with him.

Quote of the day: "How blessed I am to have known someone who it was so hard to say goodbye to."

It's good to be back

I have talked numerous times about my heart for the homeless. I just love serving them. Last year, probably around September, I took a hiatus from our ACTS ministry. With everything that was going on with this crazy head of mine, I started getting selfish with my time. Not wanting to give up a good portion of my Saturdays. Sometimes instead of going to ACTS, I would just lay in bed and stare at the wall. Knowing I needed to go, but not having the energy to force myself out of bed. Months went by, 6 months to be exact, where I did not serve.


I kept telling the ladies who run the ministry I would be back, they never gave up on me. Instead they included me in the emails, keeping me informed of meetings, etc. I told one of the ladies I would come back eventually and I was going through some stuff. She simply said, "Come back when you're ready." Two weeks ago, I thought I was ready, but I was wrong, I spent another Saturday being selfish of my time.


Today, I got out of bed bright and early, 5:30 to be exact. I enjoyed a much needed cup of coffee in silence. Today was the day, the day I was ready to go and serve these people that have a part of this heart of mine. Ready to stop being "woe is me" and share the love God has given me. I helped in the showers, it's my spot and I love working in there. We hand them toiletries, socks, underwear. You really get to connect to the women there. Once they receive everything, then they can go shower themselves.


All but one lady, Chrissy. Now, I thoroughly enjoy Chrissy and I have blogged about her before, go here. She is my favorite ACTS guest that comes. She constantly has me laughing. Today, God had something very unique in mind for me with her. Chrissy is the one lady who needs help in the showering department. She can't walk well, but can shower herself. However, she needs help undressing and dressing. Chrissy was out front and I was in the back. Voices behind me echo, "I can't do it, I have a bad back" said one. Another said, "I won't do it." For a short second I put myself in Chrissy's shoes and suddenly blurted out, "I've got it taken care of. Today, is my day to help her."

And that is what I did. I helped her in the bathroom, helped her get undressed, help her into the shower, helped her dress (adult diapers and all), combed her hair, volunteered to cut her toe nails, and put her socks and shoes on. Now, in case you live under a rock, I'm a huge germaphobe. I did all of this, including cutting her toe nails without any gloves on. I know the risk I put myself at, the stuff I might of come in contact with. I understand it better than anyone, but nothing bothered me today about helping her. The thought never occurred to me to put gloves on because in reality, if I was in her position, I still wanted to be treated like a human and not like a dirty villain. This was really nothing I hadn't done before. I grew up in an assisted living home. Do you know how many people I actually had to bathe living there? A lot. I felt so blessed to be able to help her. It gave us a chance to talk, I got to see an insight to her life today. She said I was happy and wanted to know what I was smoking. I laughed at that but crouched down to her level (she's in a wheelchair) and simply told her, "I am the way I am because of Jesus." She agreed that was the best stuff to smoke ever. Her and her boyfriend have been coming to church. It made me happy to know a seed has been planted.

I vowed to her that I will be here every weekend we have the outreach going on and would help her in the shower. In my head, I refused to let people talk about showering her, seeing her naked, blah, blah, blah and figured if I could do it once, I could do it again. If I don't help her, who knows how long it will be before she showers again? That's showing God's love no matter what the situation. After it was all said on done, I took her outside, copped a squat on the cement and put her feet up to my knees and clipped away at the toe nails and was the happiest I had been in awhile.

In awhile...

My problems are so small

Yesterday, as I was heading to the family's house, I saw a homeless man standing on the off ramp. He was holding a sign, that I can't seem to get out of my head. His sign said: "Bad day? It could be worse." I sat there wondering how many people were affected like me by that sign. I love working with the homeless, so I try to do what I can to help them. But not everyone sees the homeless like I do. As I sat there waiting for the light, I began to see a man in my head. He was dressed in his suit, driving a black BMW, he has had the worst day in the office. He hates his job and would give anything for a new one. He just wants to go home and the last thing he wants is to be bothered by a homeless man. Like I said, this was in my head, but I couldn't help but think, what would he think if he was actually sitting there and saw this sign?

Would it even phase him? Would he realize his problems really aren't so bad after all? That man's sign is so right. We all know it is. We could have a horrible day, but in the end, our horrible day is still nothing compared to what homeless people experience.

Tonight at church, I had that realization that my problems are so little. The man with the sign was still fresh in my head and tonight at church we had a pastor come and speak who was from Sudan. It was a really good sermon! He talked about his mother who had been killed and how he had been beaten almost to death all for the name of Jesus.

Persecution is something very near and dear to this heart of mine. Have you ever looked up my blog name, Hebrews 13:3? It's one of my favorite verses. Go, look it up.

I love/despise when God really speaks to me in church. I love it for the fact that he will literally humble me beyond belief. I despise it when it happens in church, because I have issues with crying in front of people.

As this man spoke of the torture he received in the name of Christ, I felt the tears streaming down my face. I tried to hide them from my friend. I felt horrible for thinking my problems, whatever they may be are big things, let alone important. There are people in this world who are being killed for their faith in Jesus, they are not allowed to pray, they are not allowed to have Bibles.

There are people in this world who are living on the streets, wondering where they will sleep or wondering when the next time they will eat will be. They have no place to call home.

My problems are nothing compared to people who are persecuted for their faith, they are also nothing compared to the problems the homeless people have.

Why did I get so caught up in my world? I've become selfish, thinking the world should revolve around me. That my problems are the biggest of them all. I am the one who let myself get like this, putting others needs aside to focus on my own. I know that's not the way I should be and anyone who knows me personally knows that I'm not normally like that. So much stuff has happened recently that I am literally shutting myself off to the world. This is also known as not giving of myself, being selfish. Giving of myself, my time, my trust has recently caused so much pain, hence me not wanting to do it anymore. But people who are persecuted have given so much of themselves, no matter the cost. They continue to give and give and give.

Do you think God was trying to knock some sense into this head of mine? I think so.

The pastor said that 200 million people in the world are persecuted for their faith. A website reports that there are an estimated 3.5 million people who are homeless.

Now, you're problems really aren't that big, are they?


I need to get back to that point. Back to where I realized that it's not about Brandy, it's about GOD. It's about helping that homeless person, it's about sticking up for my faith in God no matter what. It's soley about God, no matter what the situation. My life should revolve around God, but lately it hasn't. When did I lose myself? I can't quite pin point it at this exact moment.

Quote of the day: "The selfishness must be discovered and understood before it can be removed. It is powerless to remove itself, neither will it pass away of itself. Darkness ceases only when light is introduced; so ignorance can only be dispersed by knowledge; selfishness by love." ~James Allen

Scripture of the day: "This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything." 1 John 3:19-20

Hi!

Hi, everyone! Look at this, I'm blogging. You knew I couldn't stay away long. I was opting not to blog due to some personal things going on in my life. And to be quite honest with you, I wasn't wanting a particular person to see anything about what is going on. But, I was thinking today, do I have this blog for this person? Nope, I don't. And so I really shouldn't care who reads this.

Heather emailed me tonight telling me how much she loves to read this blog and to see my thoughts. Seriously, that girl is the one who pulls me back to reality. And if she wouldn't of sent me that email, I might of not updated this for a long time. But her email is what is making me update. And I even told her I would give her a shout out. Look she even got a paragraph devoted to her. :)

So, school is almost done for the semester. I still hate my Anatomy & Physiology class. I actually hate it more every day. I am still not sure if I will have to take the class again. But I might just opt to put school on hold until I move. Martha said today, I was too stressed out from everything and agreed that maybe a break was in order. So, I'm going to pray about that.

I hung out with my surrogate mom today. *Sigh* I love her and I so needed some mom time for this soul of mine. It did it good! She just makes me feel normal and we always have lots to talk about. All the woman who have said they would be my "mom", she's been the only one that hasn't let me down. And for that, I'm so thankful.

A few posts ago, I wrote about wanting to help our homeless population with applicatons for Medicaid. I talked to someone at the church about it and they are in the process of doing something like that through an organization. I have a meeting with someone from the church on Saturday, but they are going to try to get me hooked up with this organization to give them my input and whatever expertise I have . I'm excited about the new opportunities that are coming my way. It's definitely something to look forward to!

I purchased Christmas cards today. *Gasp* Although I'm not ready for Christmas music, I try to purchase cards early and get them addressed. That way, December 1st all I have to is stamp them and mail them. But, right now, who has time to do that? "Not, I," said the fly. I will make time eventually, granted it might be at 1 a.m. in the morning, but it will get done.

This blog is totally random and this is what happens when I have three glasses of tea.

Okay, I suppose I should stop. I could keep typing. Here are a few random pics to round off the random post.

I got roses from the Kamberg family in celebration of my 6 years of walking with Christ. :)

Kitties! I can rarely ever catch them sitting together. This is Stella and Daisey.

Holy curls, Batman! I was having a super curly hair day. And yes, I totally took a picture of my curls.

No matter how much I complain about Arizona, we have beautiful sunsets.

I'm out like a broken bulb.

Bran

Quote of the day: "As we express our gratitude, we must never forget the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them." ~John F. Kennedy

Using my resources

I have wrote numerous times about my recent discovery of my heart for the homeless. The past month or so, I have really been struggling with feeling the need to do more than what I already do. There is so many people who need help, need medical help. Just because they are homeless doesn't not necessarily mean they can't get health insurance.

Some of you know that I work for the State of Arizona. I actually work for the Medicaid program for Arizona. I find it funny sometimes that a lot of people have no clue what Medicaid is. Medicaid is the state's health insurance program for people who have little or no income. Every state has a medicaid program. And I have worked for Arizona's medicaid program for 7 years now. I happen to work for the long term side dealing with the elderly and disabled population.

It has really been on my heart to somehow set up a table when I go help with the homeless at my church to help these people fill out applications for our medicaid program. I spoke to someone at work on Friday about my idea. I was surprised to find out that she was a Christian who also works with the homeless at her church. She listened to my ideas, my fears, and encouraged me that this was something I could do. She is knowledagble of the "normal" side of the program, the one that doesn't deal with the elderly and disabled population that I deal with.

I feel like I need to do something. I work for the program who might be able to get these people some health insurance. It's going to be a difficult process to start and there is a lot of stuff to work through, but another person at work said she might be willing to come from Buckeye twice a month to help me as well. She thought my wanting to help was a great thing. It's not a problem to sit down with these people, make them fill out the application. However, I'm concerned how I'm to get these applications to the proper offices to get them processed. I am concerned that I do this, and someone will "fall through the cracks" and blame me. I am concerned that the people who need this help, won't follow through with an appointment. It's as simple as a phone interview. Although these people are homeless, you would be surprised how many of them have cell phones. I see it all the time.

These people so desperately need health insurance. Not all will qualify, but some will. Isn't worth the extra time I will be spending to help even one person try to get health insurance? I think so. And I have the resources and the knowledge to help these people right at my fingertips.

When I move, I want to work with the Rescue Mission. J has really been pumping that into my head. Reading "Under the Overpass" has once again opened my heart up a little more to the homeless population. I don't want to lose my heart for the homeless once I move and I want to keep active in it, so the rescue mission will really keep me going. Honestly, I love my job. I do quality assurance now and I don't deal with the public. However, I firmly believe that I have "Social Work" in my blood. I honestly love helping people and miss working with the public at the medicaid program. I really miss interacting with the people. Gosh, I even think working at the rescue mission would do me good.

I wonder what God is doing in my life, he's opening up my eyes to so much. I used to never want to deal with homeless people. I would avoid them at all costs, now I can't seem to get enough of them. My heart loves interacting with them. I really don't know what's going on, but God is working on me BIG TIME!

Bran

Quote of the day: "People who are homeless are not social inadequates. They are people without homes." ~Sheila McKechnie

Oh babycakes

Over the summer, I had a series of events happen to me that led me to figure out that I have a heart for the homeless population. Since then, I have been serving faithfully with our homeless ministry twice a month when it meets. Every time I go, I am crazy blessed by one of our guest (what we call our homeless that visit us), heck all of our guests. Every time we meet, I wait to see Chrissy. After every sentence she says, "Oh babycakes" and then will sometimes randomly say, "Zippety do dah". Every time I see her, she has me laughing hysterically. The first time I met her, she grabbed my face and called me her angel and kissed my forehead. Yep, heart melted right there.

Or there's Francesca, who was pregnant and due a few weeks ago. Despite the fact my heart hurts for her being homeless and raising a baby on the streets, she's always happy, always smiling, despite her circumstances. Or there's Shorty. He's an elderly gentleman that everyone one the streets seems to have adopted as their grandfather. He's ever so grateful for a hot shower, a haircut, decent and hot food. He's the star of the show when he's at the church. He took my hand one day and said thank you and had the most sincere look on his face. And after he said that, he smiled a huge toothless grin. Which pretty much made my day. Or Terry, he's a diabetic. A few weeks ago, his sugar spiked too high, he was convulsing at the breakfast table. We had to call 911. The paramedics told him he needed to check his blood sugar on a regular basis. He is homeless, has no insurance. Someone donated a blood glucose machine, and when it was presented to him, he cried. He's a grown man and he cried like a little kid. He was overwhelmed with gratitude.

We deal with a lot of issues, people coming off of drugs, people on drugs, people with mouths like sailors, people who freak out if you touch them, people with mental issues, people who are so broken and lost, people who have no clue who Jesus is. But, it's not always about telling them about Jesus, sometimes its about just making them feel human, making them feel like they are important, not being afraid to hug them. To me, that right there is showing these people who Jesus is, showing them through the action of love. The staff in charge always remind us of the fact that these people we are serving could be any one of us. Which is true. And if I was in that position, I would hope someone would treat me like the human being I am. I love, love, love serving in this ministry. It's the best part of my day when it's time to serve. I am filled with joy by the time the day is over. I see God every single day in various things, but when I serve with the homeless, I see God more than I ever have.

This past weekend, I read an amazing book. And needless to say, it made it to my list of favorite books. It's called "Under the Overpass" by Mike Yankoski. I highly suggest you read this book. It's about two men, who decided to be homeless for five months in Denver, Washington D.C., San Francisco, Portland, Phoenix, and San Diego. Their story is an amazing story of faith. Parts of the book made my heart hurt so bad, that I cried, no sobbed hysterically because of how they were treated. These men were Christians and every city they went to, they always went to church. Some churches they encountered tended to them, tried to help them, tried to feed them, but not all. You would be surprised how WE, Christians, turned these two men away when they needed food, etc. We turned them away, the people who should be loving them the most, turned our backs on them. One of the churches was right here in Phoenix! That hurt my heart the most. I guess because I now volunteer with the homeless, that I would expect someone who claims to follow Jesus would help these two men.

This book made me want to do more with this life of mine. Go read it, do it now. Here is the website, http://www.undertheoverpass.com/ And next time you see a homeless person, don't act like they aren't there. Say hello, smile at them. Yes, they may ask you for money. However, do you have $5 to spare? Then go feed them. Get them some food. Is getting them food going out of your comfort zone? Then politely decline and be about your way. I did that for awhile, then one day....
God moved in this heart of mine. He forced me to step out of my comfort zone and I haven't been the same since.

"The bottom line is that real love always shows itself in action. Nothing happens or changes in this world unless, by faith, we actually do something." ~Mike Yankoski

Pure Randomness

Hello, it's past 1 a.m., do you know where your Brandy is? I'm sitting here WIDE AWAKE watching the very first episode of Lost. See...it was my suggestion to have coffee after church, and now I'm pumped full of caffeine. But it's okay...I don't have to work tomorrow, so I don't care. So, I decided to update...with bullet points (my fave).

• I had two tests this week in Anatomy & Physiology. One wasn't too big of a test, and one was. I got a 96% on the first one and a 78% on the second. The second test had 100 questions on it and it covered four chapters. Whew! I consider a 78% pretty decent seeing at the class crammed BIO181 into two weeks of my Anatomy class, which is an introduction to Chemistry. I hate Chemistry! Gah! Anyways, Biology classes I have to take are very popular and I had to do a lottery system to register for Spring. Well luckily, I got pulled for the lottery and was able to register for Spring classes super early. Yay go me. I have a total of four classes left to take before I start doing the nursing program. I need to find out when I can actually apply for the program...to give me an idea of my future and what are the next steps to take here or somewhere else.
  
  


• Vernae and I went to a free ballet Friday night at the park. It was the first time I had seen a ballet of any kind. The school just performed three different pieces. I enjoyed it, but I think I would of enjoyed it more if there weren't so many distractions around. Since it was free, there was all kinds of people there and people kept getting up in the middle of it. I had brought my camera to take pics, but they said we couldn't take any pics due to copywrite laws. Blah, blah, blah (Seems to be my favorite phrase lately)
  
  


• Saturday was a busy, long, but fantastic day. I worked with our homeless ministry. Gosh, I really do love that, I always have so much fun interacting with our guests. Sometimes I sort things, and don't really see people very much, but even saying hello to these people brighten my day. They are so appreciative of the services we are giving them. I came home for about 3 hours and did some laundry, then turned around and went straight back to church to help with the three year olds. They are always interesting. :) I got a big hug from Kiley and her brother Kobe tonight. That pretty much made my evening. Church after that, a little different than normal...which was awesome! And after church, coffee with J. I dropped him off a little after 11 and here I am...
  


• And today...will be just as exciting I promise. I have to clean and then I have to study. Yes, folks, it doesn't get any better than that. That is my adventourous life. Rommie is gone, but will be home tomorrow. I might be spending most of the day at the library. It's just easier to study with no distractions.
  


• Today is 9/21/08, the last game at the old Yankees Stadium. *Sigh* I wish I had seen it before it was too late. I resolved to see the new stadium eventually. Since the sports fan in me has been reignited, I've really been wanting to go to a professional sports game. I am going to try that next year, hopefully it will work.

• See this little girl right here? *Sigh* I'm really missing her right now.

• So, I've pretty much made up my mind on a few things going on in my life. Wish I could tell you what they were, but I don't feel like talking about any of it now....or I suppose I could talk about it, but since so many people read this, I don't want to talk about this personal stuff on here. Meh, it's just time to move on with various things in my life and I'm perfectly okay with every decision made.

• As always...God is crazy amazing. He never, ever ceases to rock my socks off and humble me beyond belief on a constant basis. "And it's all because of Jesus I'm alive", I have been singing that song a lot lately.

• As I am finishing this...Lost is over and an informercial is coming on. You know it's time to go to bed when Mr. T is doing infomericials. He just busted through a door. Dude Mr. T looks old! And he just said "I pity the fool..." Lol! What a fantastic way to end the evening!
  

Quote of the day: "Decisions become easier when your will to please God outweighs your will to please the world." ~Anso Coetzer

Scripture of the day: "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." ~Romans 8:28

Overwhelmed

Have you ever got the feeling of being overwhelmed with something or maybe being overwhelmed with everything all at one time? Holy cow…I’m feeling very overwhelmed with everything right now. I just feel as though everything is coming at me at one time and I’m not quite sure how to handle it. I know I should just take on one thing at time, but it’s very hard to sort out what is what. Its times like this where I just want to crawl into a hole and not come out until the coast is clear.

A few weeks ago, I posted about what God is doing on my heart in regards to working with homeless people, passing out Bibles to them and how a random guy on Xanga was willing to send me Bibles to help with that. I shared that story with someone here in the valley and they piped up and said that they have Bibles they can give me as well. That is so amazing, and I’m being blessed beyond belief by these people. But I’m feeling overwhelmed here, feeling pressured to give out all those Bibles and do it quickly. I don’t have anywhere to store these things. Honestly wondering why these people haven’t made use of the Bibles themselves. I just feel pressured to make them proud, make God proud by giving out those Bibles. I know this is something I need to do, but I have to step out of my comfort zone. It’s not going to be easy and will take me awhile to fully get into the swing of handing out these Bibles and praying for the homeless. The pressure is mounting. I’m so, so, so, small in this big, big world.

I hate feeling pressured to do something. Usually if someone pressures me to do something, that makes me not want to do it, and if I didn’t want to do it in the first place, then it just makes it worse. This past weekend at church, our Hispanic minister asked me if I had gone to service yet. I stated I was on my way. He tells me, “You’re going to love it. And you need to come talk to me afterwards.” Although I loved the fact we sung a song in Spanish, the sermon was on our Hispanic ministry, and I left the service feeling blah. I love the Spanish language, I strive to know more about it and become fluent. But is it bad that I felt more moved and compelled to serve the homeless than I do to work with the Hispanic ministry? I feel guilty for some reason for not wanting to help them. I talked to him one day about me wanting to learn more Spanish. We agreed that I could come to the Bible study and I could just sit in. But, when I came, he didn’t want me to do the Bible study, he wanted me to work with the kids, who by the way speak English. I understand they need help, but I just didn’t want to do that. I am trying desperately not to burn myself out at church, I’m very capable of doing it, and I’ve done it many times.

Another thing overwhelming me right now is Tres Dias. I thoroughly believe in this retreat, it completely changed my life when I went. Each time I served, I have been so, so, blessed. But I am having the feeling of being overwhelmed here as well, probably more than anything else in my life. The weekend isn’t even here and I’m not in the game. My heart is not there and with school starting in two weeks, the pressure of doing everything for this is building up. Deep down, I don’t want to serve with this right now. But I’m afraid to tell people as I don’t want to disappoint anyone. There you go, Brandy, always trying to please everyone else. I need to focus on school and serving with Tres Dias is not going to make it easy. I know this for a fact. It’s just all too much to take in right now.

I’m so, so, so small in this big, big world….

People amaze me

Okay, now people amaze me in many different ways. Some are bad, some are good, some are amazing. Today let's focus on the amazing part.

A few days ago, Revelife posted a blog about homeless people and how do we react to them. I posted a comment that if I have money I will feed them. I also stated that I wanted to find some cheap Bibles to hand out. That is always something I've wanted to do, but never actually stepped out in faith. I will feed them and say, "God bless you" and be done with it. I don't hand out Bibles and I don't pray for them. On a recent post, I was really convicted of my actions one day when I fed a homelss person. This is what I wrote from my blog on 6/29/2008,

"A few days ago, I got some food for a homeless woman. No biggie, I do that all the time. I always say, "God Bless You". They usually say thanks and take the food. Not this woman...she was different. She followed me back across the street and began to tell me her story and how she needed money. I explained to her that I don't give out money, but I will gladly feed people like I just did. I then explained to her irregardless of her circumstances, God still loved her, always loved her, no matter what. She broke down crying and said she knew that, but just needed to hear it. We talked for a little longer, then I left. As I drove off, I became really convicted of my actions. Why didn't I pray with her? Why? She was obviously reaching out to me. But...two things crossed my mind as I was talking to her, one is what would people think if they saw me praying with her? Why did I let myself get caught up in the world and lose focus on God? Because that is what happened. Also, there was another homeless guy across the street, who was making his way over to me. For a brief moment, I felt that my safety was in danger. Gosh, Bran, could you be any more caught up in "worldly" things? I could of fed him as well, and prayed with both of them. But I didn't, I was too caught up in my own thoughts and for that I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, that night I failed at being a Christian. I may have been the only encounter those people had to show God's love and I completely blew it. I cried myself to sleep that night, begging for forgiveness. I hate disappointing God more than anything."

People left comments saying I hadn't disappointed God and I did more than they would of. But still, I felt like I had failed God so bad that day. I could of done more, but I didn't. I choose not to. A man named Joe, who I have never met, sent me a message here on Xanga after I posted a comment on Revelife's blog stating he had a box of about 50 Bibles and wondered if I might be interested. I didn't even hestitate to message him back and state that yes, I would be interested and even would be willing to pay half of the postage. Even though, he is a stranger...God is opening up a door and I need to be strong enough to walk through it. Because as I stated previously, I've always wanted to do that, but never stepped out in faith. So, I've really been thinking about his message for the past few days...I still wasn't sure what God was doing, but He's doing something. Last night, I received my answer. Our service at church last night was about homeless people and how we react to them. The pastor talked about different instances of homeless people being ignored. He also spoke of our ACTS ministry, this is our homeless ministry. Twice a month a whole bunch of people who have a heart for the homeless go around picking up various people in a van, bringing them to our church. These people are then fed, showered, given toiletries, clothes, and fellowship. The volunteers have built relationships with these people and pray for these people. They showed a video last night about a guest that had been coming and how her life is completely changed by these people, completely changed ultimately by the grace of God. It brought tears to my eyes. I've helped with them a few times, I remember how immensely blessed I was by that experience. And if my schedule permits, I will go and help this ministry at my church. Sometimes on Saturdays, I have meetings for the women's retreat I am doing, so I might not be able to help all the time....

Lately, I've wrote about how I am still feeling lost in my world at church and sometimes with God. I have a huge heart for missions, I hope to be living in South America eventually. But right now, I'm not volunteering in the missions department at my church for personal reasons. But while I am working on getting out of the country, for the time being, couldn't I help people here locally? Holy cow...God is working in me right now, to the point where I am filled with elation. Whether Joe sends me these Bibles or not, I will step out of my comfort zone and vow that when I feed a homeless person, I will have a Bible with me and be willing to pray with them. Last night, Jeremy our pastor, said, "Care enough to do something." I want to be that person that cares enough to do something. I can't save the world, I'm so small compared to the world. But, maybe, just maybe...I will make a difference in that one person's life. "Lord, break my heart for what breaks yours."

"He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you?

To act justly

And to love mercy

And to walk humbly with your God." Micah 6:8

Hello Firemen

Although I was at church last night, I didn't make it to service at all. My plans were to attend the 6:30 with Vernae and Rachel like I always do. Well...a friend, Vernae, needed me more than I needed to go to church. Although she managed to get upstairs in the elevator, it broke shortly after and she wasn't able to get downstairs to come to church. At about 6:15, I began to worry where she might be. I found someone in Children's Ministry who proceeded to tell me the elevator was broken and she was stuck upstairs. My first comment out of my mouth was, "She's not stuck in the elevator is she?" She wasn't. Whew! I go upstairs and the maintenance guys are trying to figure out what to do, how to get her and her chair down. I ran down and got the police officers that were on campus. They came up with me and they immediately called the fire department. In that time Rachel came up as well. Probably about 10 of the HOTTEST firemen in Mesa came into help her. Rachel and I wanted to start being sick so we can get assistance as well. All joking aside, they were really helpful and it makes me extremely grateful fire/police/medics exist. They took her out of her wheelchair, put her in a folding chair with me and Rachel sitting next to her, then proceeded to carry her 400 lb. chair downstairs, 5 minutes later they came back up and got her and in a matter of no time she was safe on the ground. I'm so thankful that Rachel and I were both there, I wouldn't of wanted Vernae to experience that evening alone. Afterwards we just sat and loved on her outside of church, she needed us as that moment more than anything. Some thoughts came into her head and caused her to be upset.

I had a very random encounter last night as Vernae as getting on the bus. I was talking to a friend, when an old friend came up. He's the one I was referring to in my "Be the bigger person" blog. He came up and hugged me, which was weird, but good. We hung out last night, and although we didn't talk about anything I referred to in the blog (we had other people with us), somehow I knew everything was going to be okay with him.

I am honestly still struggling with being back at Central. I am trying to remember that it's not about me, it's about God, soley about God. I feel as though I don't have a purpose there anymore, but yet I feel as though God is not finished with me yet at Central. And I feel as though I'm wandering around that campus like a very lost person. Time has changed, things have changed, people have changed. It's my church that I've known for so long, yet it's not the same church at all. I came to help at the preschool ministry but they were fully staffed at the 4:30 service. I decided to just sit outside and do some Bible reading. Gosh, I really love Hebrews, it's my favorite book. I've read it so many times. God was really showing me some things on Saturday. A staff member's husband who I have known for years came up to me. They are older (maybe in their 60's), but I just have the highest respect for him. God pushed him in my direction yesterday, gave him the words I needed to hear. He sat and talked with me for about 20 minutes. We said our friendly hellos and then he said, "How are you, Brandy? You know I used to see you all the time, then I didn't see you at all, now I see you some, but not as much as I used to." I confessed to him that I had left the church for 8 months and God had brought me back and the things I was still struggling with. He confessed he struggled with the same thing. "Are you happy, Brandy?" My response was, "Yes for the most part. I just feel so lost here sometimes." I could feel the tears coming, one came trickling down my cheek, but forced them to stop. I can't cry in front of someone, especially him. He said he understood and if it made any difference he said he missed my smiling face on campus and I always brightened his day. He said he could see the love I have for God on my face, in my smile. If you can see it on my face....why can't I feel it? I love God, I really do. I try my hardest to keep on track with him, but it's the hardest thing I encounter in my life.

For the most part, I surround myself with people who encourage me in my faith, but there's that one person, who does not walk with God. I see her more than anyone, and she makes it difficult for me to keep my light going. A few days ago, I got some food for a homeless woman. No biggie, I do that all the time. I always say, "God Bless You". They usually say thanks and take the food. Not this woman...she was different. She followed me back across the street and began to tell me her story and how she needed money. I explained to her that I don't give out money, but I will gladly feed people like I just did. I then explained to her irregardless of her circumstances, God still loved her, always loved her, no matter what. She broke down crying and said she knew that, but just needed to hear it. We talked for a little longer, then I left. As I drove off, I became really convicted of my actions. Why didn't I pray with her? Why? She was obviously reaching out to me. But...two things crossed my mind as I was talking to her, one is what would people think if they saw me praying with her? Why did I let myself get caught up in the world and lose focus on God? Because that is what happened. Also, there was another homeless guy across the street, who was making his way over to me. For a brief moment, I felt that my safety was in danger. Gosh, Bran, could you be any more caught up in "worldly" things? I could of fed him as well, and prayed with both of them. But I didn't, I was too caught up in my own thoughts and for that I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, that night I failed at being a Christian. I may have been the only encounter those people had to show God's love and I completely blew it. I cried myself to sleep that night, begging for forgiveness. I hate disappointing God more than anything.

"At the cross you beckon me, draw me gently to my knees, and I'm so lost for words, so in love, sweetly broken, wholly surrendered."