Have a Little Faith in Me

As long as I have been a Christian, I have always struggled with trusting God. I will trust Him with some areas of my life, but could never give up 100% surrender to things in my life, especially my finances. I'm just going to lay it on the line here, I've never been good with finances. My grandmother taught me many things, but she never taught me how to manage my money. I've made many mistakes that to this day still haunt me. I've always been that girl who couldn't do things because I didn't have the money. I have lived paycheck to paycheck since I started working. I've over drafted my account, borrowed money from people, etc. Yes, I'm that girl who is not good with money at all. Everyone of you knows someone like me. Someone who is constantly making financial mistakes, that you're shaking your head at.

Every year on my resolution list, I vow to get financially stable. And although I have gotten so much better, I still have a long way to go. Last year, my finances were so out of control, that I went the entire year and did not give one penny towards tithing. *Gasp* I know, horrible, right? This year on my resolution list was the following items: 1. Open a savings account and actually save money. 2. Tithe from every paycheck. I decided in 2009, I needed to have more faith in God now more than ever and my first paycheck from January, I sat down and wrote a check to my church. I have been faithfully doing that every two weeks since. I know it's only the beginning of February and the hardest of economic times. I'm pinching pennies like crazy, searching the internet for any type of coupons I can for discounts on various things. But, the funny thing is, the economy is bad, but yet it might appear I'm finally getting my act together. Since I've been tithing, God started blessing me and as of right now, I managed to open a savings account and it has way more than the minimum $25. There has been money in my checking account since the beginning of the year, and has not come even close to over drafting (a problem I was encountering).

Last night as I was balancing my checkbook, this song came to mind. "Have a Little Faith in Me" by Joe Cocker. Granted, this song is about a woman trusting a man, but looking at the lyrics, it could definitely apply to my faith in God.

When the road gets dark and you can no longer see
Just let my love throw a spark and have a little faith in me.

And when the tears you cry are all you can believe
Just give these loving arms a try and have a little faith in me.

When your secret heart cannot speak so easily
Come here darlin from a whisper start to have a little faith in me.

And when your backs against the wall just turn around and you will see
I will catch, I will catch your fall baby just have a little faith in me.

Well, I've been loving you for such a long time girl
Expecting nothing in return, just for you to have a little faith in me.

And all you gotta do is have a little faith in me.

The birthday is coming soon. I will be 32. *Gasp* I vowed a long time ago, that I would never be someone who fibbed about my age. So, there you have it folks, at 10:22 a.m. on the day of my birth, I will turn 32. I don't feel like I'm in my 30's, not in the least. As I have gotten older, birthday gifts have become unimportant to me. I really just want you to acknowledge that it's my birthday. However, my birthday is hidden on Myspace and Facebook. I don't feel one should use social websites to remember one's birthday. And if you truly wanted to remember it, you would and you wouldn't need Facebook to pop up and say it's my birthday. Meh, I know it's a double standard, I want you to acknowledge the day, but you have to figure it out when exactly that day happens.

I had a God moment a few days ago in regards to moving. I've really been questioning whether I was making the right decision to move. So many people have given me their opinion and most of them have been bad. Lately, I have been hearing all their words echoing in my mind. But, God reassured me Friday afternoon as I was at the airport waiting for Heather. He reassured me that I'm not making a stupid mistake by moving, that He has big plans for me, if I just have a little faith in Him. That word, faith, has been bounced around in my mind a lot lately.

Quote of the day: "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." (Part of my God moment) ~Anais Nin

Scripture of the day: "Lust for money brings trouble and nothing but trouble. Going down that path, some lose their footing in the faith completely and live to regret it bitterly ever after." 1 Timothy 6:10

Sitting on the fence of good and evil

I've been thinking about writing this blog for awhile now. But I wasn't sure how to convey everything. I didn't grow up as a believer in Christ. Overall, I had a good childhood, no complaints here, it was definitely different, but no traumatic things happened. However, since I wasn't raised in a home where Christ was talked about, I can say that I have walked on the other side of the fence, had a different life than the one I possess right now. I had a previous life of sinning and once I accepted Christ he took that sin away. I made mistakes, I have so many regrets. And although I've asked God to forgive me, I can't take away my past. The choices I made in my past can't be undone.

Lately, especially recently, I have really been struggling with going back to my "old ways", my old thoughts, my old actions. I have a pretty good firm grip on reality and I know how to distinguish right from wrong. I know what I'm supposed to do, know what God wants me to do, know what is the "Christian" thing to do. But as much as I know how to distinguish what is right, I can also determine what is wrong. But sometimes, going back to my old life seems so easy. I am not promoting that it's okay to want to revert back to my old ways, but it's definitely something I struggle with. I am literally sitting on the fence of good and evil, each leg straddled on each side, just waiting to jump to one side or the other.

Sometimes, I am tempted so much by my previous life. I know God forgives our sins, but if I am completely aware of the fact that what I am doing is a sin and I choose to keep doing it, then I really don't think that I am trying to live my life for God. When I became a Christian, I became aware of my sin and little by little those things were brought to my mind. And each time I had to own up to my actions, ask for forgiveness and desperately work on not doing that type of sinning any more. Even now, 8 years later, God will bring things to mind that I have completely forgot about, which I still need to ask forgiveness for.

But, Satan is just sitting there waiting for me. Waiting for that one moment for me to mess up. He fills my head with lies saying that it will be okay, if I just do this thing once. "God will forgive you", he says. Sure, God will forgive me, but does it make it any better if I am aware of the fact that I'm sinning? No. But still, I'm so, so tempted. And there are even times when I start taking those steps (Backward, mind you.) towards the old me. I get really close, but then God reaches out his hand towards me and puts me back on path. I really don't know why I have been struggling with my old life lately. Okay maybe I do. But, nonetheless, I am desperately trying to keep my steps straight, on the path they should be on. It's honestly the most difficult thing I encounter.

Quote of the day: "Never let a man imagine that he can pursue a good end by evil means, without sinning against his own soul. The evil effect on himself is certain." ~Robert Southey

Scripture of the day: "Direct me in the path of your commands, for there I find delight." ~Psalm 119:35