Friday, July 3, 2015

A little bit of everything.

Oh blog, you are so neglected. :( I really need to get more diligent about updating this. I don't even care if anyone reads it. I just need to get my head empty.

Do you ever get the feeling you're just missing out on your life? There are some days where I just feel like a zombie drifting through days, one day running into the next. Somewhere along the line my life has gotten completely off track. I feel like I am just going through the motions of life. Doing what I can to get myself through to the next day. It's a viscous cycle that has been constantly repeating itself And to be honest, I'm just tired. I can't sit here and blame anyone but myself. I've got to find a way to get out of this rut. I'm in a rut with my weight loss, rut with my faith, in a rut with everything.

Why is it so hard for me to motivate myself when it comes to losing weight? People can help me all they want, but until I change the way I think about a lot of things, I'm never gonna change. The change needs to start from within to change my outer being. I am working on some things mentally. I can't keep running around this hamster wheel. At one point, I need to suck it up and get off. More about that later.

Update on my last post. One of the things I wanted to accomplish my 38th year of being alive was to start the foster care process. I have started that process and I'm almost done with the licensing. I'm about 8 weeks out from receiving my license. I feel like it has all happened quickly. I don't fair well being overwhelmed. And there were many times I became overwhelmed in the process. Between all the classes, Red Cross Certifications, mounds of paperwork, and two of three home visits I've had, it is a lot. It overwhelmed me constantly and there was times when I would have to just push the paperwork away and go take a walk. But I've stuck through it. If you personally know me, you know how much of a worrier I am. I know God will take care of anything that comes before me, but that doesn't stop me from worrying myself sick sometimes. I worry about so much stuff. But I mainly worry that I will fail as a parent. I am praying to God constantly about this. Everyone says I'll do fine because I'm great with kids, but the things will be different when I have a child full time in my house. I will have another human being that I'm responsible for, that's a big responsibility. And I want that child to have a peaceful environment where they feel nothing but love. I don't want to have anything in their life that may further traumatize them. There will need to be some changes made and boundaries set with some people in my life. My number one priority is that child. I'm not gonna lie, I AM SCARED FAR MORE THAN I CAN EVEN WRITE. But deep down, I am trusting God, and there is this little voice telling me it's going to be okay. It's crazy to think I am going to have a placement soon. Little things like shopping the day after Thanksgiving (Something I despise) may become part of my life. Lol. But also watching their excitement at Christmas as they help me decorate or open presents already just makes me tear up. Thoughts of helping them with homework, meal planning, spending time with them brings a smile to my face. I was meant to do this, this much I know. And when they go home to their biological parents, I will cry. But I know it's what is best. I will keep in contact with them. I will never sever that bond we formed. And if a child comes into my house and the parental rights of their biological family have been terminated and given the option to adopt the child or let them go back into the system, of course I will adopt them. I have already decided that.

1 comment:

Sara Marie said...

I'm so excited for your new journey! I applaud you for following this lead, for responding to God's call to take care of widows and orphans. It won't be easy and your emotions will be all over the place, but always remember He is there. You're also going to need to learn to be comfortable with asking for help. Believe me, I know how hard that is, but it is absolutely necessary in parenthood, especially for single parents! Prayers with you, my friend!