Saturday, February 27, 2010

I want control, but it's not mine to want

My morning started off good. I had a list of stuff to do, laundry, vacuuming my room, the never ending task of homework. The only thing I've accomplished today has been laundry. My time has been consumed by reading CNN, checking updates on the earthquake that has hit Chile.

I can't say it any other way, than to say that my heart is breaking into a million pieces for Chile. Now, I'm saddened by the natural disasters that hit anywhere in the country. I pray for the people, pray for strength. When the earthquake hit Haiti, I cried. I cried because I have been to the Dominican Republic and briefly stepped into Haiti for a few hours to minister to people. I cried because I knew the conditions of the country and how it would impact them. I just wanted to get on a plane and go do something...anything.

But Chile has a whole different place with me. Chile is what I've called my home away from home for 4 years now. Chile is the place that makes my heart yearn to be there when I talk with my Chilean friends or see pictures of Chile. Chile is ultimately where I want to move to. I want to work/be a missionary there. Chile is where my heart decided to stay when I stepped off that plane in Santiago back in 2005. No matter what I've done in my life, it's always come back to Chile. I can say I want to move to South America, but I've wanted Chile to be my place of residence.

I want to get my nursing degree and move to Chile, that's always been the goal. Many people don't understand why I want to do that. Why would I leave this country of freedom and English speaking people to move to Chile? A place where everything is so different and most of them speak Spanish. Why on earth would you do that, Brandy? Some people have even said it was a stupid idea. To you, it may be stupid. But if you know me, truly know me, then you know God has been calling me to do that for awhile now. And if you don't understand why I want to do that, then you don't understand me at all.

Kristine woke up to me crying. Oh let's admit it, I was a blubbering mess. She had to talk me down. I was distraught about the earthquake that hit my "heart". She asked why I was so upset. All I could say was, "I just want to go!" That's it, I just want to get on a plane and go to Chile. Not because of the quake, that's just making it more prevalent. She said, "Well go. What's stopping you?"

What's stopping me?!? I started naming off the fact that I don't have a nursing degree, the fact that I can't just hop on a plane, the fact that I have student loans and I would be leaving all this debt. I can give you or her a million excuses why I can't go right now. To me, it would seem so stupid to just drop everything I have in this life to go to Chile. But in the same aspect, it makes so much sense to me to just go.

I am all about controlling my life and sometimes controlling others. I limit God a lot. I don't put my faith 100% in Him and I don't tend to always fully rely on God to get me through things. I'm a planner to the max and I like to have a plan for my day, my week, my life. I know God's plan is for me to do His work in Chile, but I'm limiting the ways it is getting done. Kristine can be brutally honest with people, including me. It's one of the things I love about her. I don't always want to hear what she says, but when she says it, it hits closer to home more than I care to admit. But she is right about me wanting to control everything.

So, what do I do now? Fully trusting God is so difficult to me. It's funny, I just posted on some one's blog about how I struggle with giving God control and then the quake hits Chile the next day after I left that comment. Do you think God is trying to tell me something? Not about the devastation of Chile or Haiti or Japan, etc, but maybe about trusting Him and knowing His plan is still very valid in my life? A conversation I had with Kristine during my birthday week, the conversation I had today, and the fact that I just read "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan have all got my head spinning. Kristine said, "Why can't you go to school in Chile?" I didn't have a response to her. Why couldn't I? Why couldn't I work there? I'm not saying that I'm definitely looking into that, but I need to explore options instead of sitting on my butt crying about the fact I'm not in Chile.

I know what I'm going to do. I'm going to pray, pray like I've never prayed before. Pray that God opens a door for me to do...something and to not shut Him out like I have before. Pray that I lose my "self-control" of sorts. I will get to Chile when God wants me there, it could be tomorrow for all I know. But if it does happen tomorrow, I can't slam the door and ask Him if He's crazy. Because let's face it, I do that a lot.

The only thing I can say is I need to trust God. I need to know that if he opens the door to get me to Chile quicker than I anticipate, He will provide a means for everything. Guide me God, send me God. Keep me from just saying I'll go eventually, instead I want to say, "Okay. I'm on it."
"We need to stop giving people excuses not to believe in God." ~Crazy Love, Francis Chan

“Confía en el SEÑOR de todo corazón, y no en tu propia inteligencia.
Reconócelo en todos tus *caminos, y él allanará tus sendas.” Proverbios 3:5-6

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