Tuesday, January 5, 2010

In search of something

I posted a comment on Facebook a few days ago about starting the process again. I didn't give any further details because there is way too many people on there. And honestly, not everyone is privy to the details on a lot of my life. And since this blog gets imported into Facebook, I will once again be sketchy about the details. But I needed to blog and get this out and I really don't think it's meant for my private blog. I think I can say what I need to say, without actually saying it.

I am starting the process again because I am not happy with a current situation. All of my life, I have done things to make other people happy. I did this or I did that. I stayed here or I stayed there. Whatever it is, I've always put my needs on the back burner. I know that is what I'm supposed to do, but doesn't God want me to be happy? Doesn't He want me to grow in my walk with Him? I don't feel like that is happening right now. I feel so, so...stagnant in my journey with God. And I can say the only reason why I continue doing what I'm doing is for other people, not for me. It makes them happy and I feel as though I might let them down by actually saying what I want or doing what I want.

Some people may say my thoughts are clouded and I'm just not thinking straight about things. I don't think that's the case. Want to know what I think? I think some people are so focused on this one thing, that maybe your vision is clouded, not mine. I've thought and prayed long and hard about this and I'm ready to make the move, this time it will be for good.

I had a "season" of this and I'm still wondering why it happened the way it did. I know God had/has plans, but after a few years at this, I'm still wondering why He prompted me to do what I did, only to come to this point once again. Was it to save that girl? Was it to show God's light to him? Was it because I needed my eyes to be opened and realize that I am stronger and more prepared now than I was previously? I may never know. Once again, relationships will be strained, but they weren't really strong to begin with. New relationships formed can be nurtured without this one thing.

It's a long, exhausting process and I'm not sure I'll have the strength to do it again. I know God will light my path and guide me the way I am to go, but I sometimes try to do things on my own. We all know that doesn't work. I have to go about things different the second time around. I have to be open and willing to learn something new, even if it means I have to step out of my comfort zone.

What is it I am searching for?

Will I always compare apples to oranges?

What does it take to feel what I felt so long ago?

I am not sure, but it's time to find me again.

1 comment:

Leah said...

You go, girl...

I'm excited for what He has in store for you :) I don't know what this all means or what kind of adventure you're about to embark on, but I know that seeking Him and not counting the cost is the BEST decision you can ever make in life. Over and over and over. If you find yourself apathetic, then you need to do whatever it takes to get back to that single-minded seeking...

And you can be assured of this: "The eyes of the Lord search to and fro, that He might strongly support those whose hearts are completely His." -- 2 Chron. 16:9

p.s. I am SO writing a reply to your letter as soon as I can this week!