Sunday, March 15, 2009

Me and my OCD

Most of you know, that I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. It used to where it was just something that I thought I had, but it has been confirmed from a counselor that I do have OCD. Lately, I'm acutely aware of the fact that in some areas of the OCD, I'm getting worse. And I joke about my "habits" a lot, it's a means of somehow coping with it.

The biggest problem I struggle with is the compulsive hand-washing. There are some days where I'm pretty good and I can control it. But other days, it's really bad and I can't seem to get my poor hands clean enough. I will scrub them till they are sore. If they feel dirty or greasy in any type of way, I began to freak out. Sanitizer will not do the job, I need a full blown hand washing to calm me down. Right now, I'm housesitting for a family who has soft water. Now, that's a great thing for my skin, however my hand-washing/showering time is always doubled because I don't have that clean feeling. I literally have to tell myself to stop washing or I will be there all night. It's difficult to turn the water off here when my hands feel slimy. Lately, just in general, my hands don't seem to be clean at all. I try to avoid washing them because they probably aren't dirty. But in my head, they are filthy and the gross thoughts won't go away until I do a thorough hand-washing. I really can't stand the feeling of lotion, so most of the time I put it on and then have to wash it off a few minutes later. When I refer to my hands, I usually say "My poor hands" because I've washed them so much, they are raw. Sometimes my hands are so dry, they crack and bleed.

There are other "habits" I have. One day, although I'm not sure when, I began to sort out candies like Skittles and M&M's. I have to sort them by color and then eat them. I am not sure why I felt the need to sort the colors, but it gave me a sense of content that they were sorted. Now granted, I don't eat that stuff often, but if I do, I will still sort them out. When I was in high school and before the age of computers, if I had a paper to write, it would take me forever just to write out the paper because my handwriting had to be so perfect. It didn't matter if I was on the last word of the bottom of the second page, if I messed up on a word, there was no way I could cross it out. I would have to write the entire paper all over again. Thank goodness for computers now!

My clothes are sorted in my closet by pants, short sleeve shirts, long sleeve shirts, jackets. Those categories are then broken down and sorted by color from lightest to darkest. I suppose you can just say that I'm organized. I very much enjoy living an organized life. Clipping coupons is another time consuming thing I do. It takes me a good hour to clip coupons, each coupon has to be cut out perfectly. If I mess up cutting a coupon, I will throw it away.

When I am at places where my cell phone should be silent, I will put it on silent the second I get out of the car, however I have this constant feeling that I didn't do it. So, I will check the phone like a crazy person numerous times to make sure it's on silent. I do the same thing with checking for my keys before I lock the door. I will worry like crazy about the littlest things to the point where I make myself sick about something. I know I'm not supposed to worry, God takes care of everything, but I will still worry. I just can't help it.

Oh OCD, how I despise thee...

Yet I feel so content when my hands are clean, the candy is sorted, and the coupons are perfectly clipped!

1 comment:

Roxanne Kristina said...

I wish I was OCD at eatting veggies!!!