Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Sitting on the fence of good and evil

I've been thinking about writing this blog for awhile now. But I wasn't sure how to convey everything. I didn't grow up as a believer in Christ. Overall, I had a good childhood, no complaints here, it was definitely different, but no traumatic things happened. However, since I wasn't raised in a home where Christ was talked about, I can say that I have walked on the other side of the fence, had a different life than the one I possess right now. I had a previous life of sinning and once I accepted Christ he took that sin away. I made mistakes, I have so many regrets. And although I've asked God to forgive me, I can't take away my past. The choices I made in my past can't be undone.

Lately, especially recently, I have really been struggling with going back to my "old ways", my old thoughts, my old actions. I have a pretty good firm grip on reality and I know how to distinguish right from wrong. I know what I'm supposed to do, know what God wants me to do, know what is the "Christian" thing to do. But as much as I know how to distinguish what is right, I can also determine what is wrong. But sometimes, going back to my old life seems so easy. I am not promoting that it's okay to want to revert back to my old ways, but it's definitely something I struggle with. I am literally sitting on the fence of good and evil, each leg straddled on each side, just waiting to jump to one side or the other.

Sometimes, I am tempted so much by my previous life. I know God forgives our sins, but if I am completely aware of the fact that what I am doing is a sin and I choose to keep doing it, then I really don't think that I am trying to live my life for God. When I became a Christian, I became aware of my sin and little by little those things were brought to my mind. And each time I had to own up to my actions, ask for forgiveness and desperately work on not doing that type of sinning any more. Even now, 8 years later, God will bring things to mind that I have completely forgot about, which I still need to ask forgiveness for.

But, Satan is just sitting there waiting for me. Waiting for that one moment for me to mess up. He fills my head with lies saying that it will be okay, if I just do this thing once. "God will forgive you", he says. Sure, God will forgive me, but does it make it any better if I am aware of the fact that I'm sinning? No. But still, I'm so, so tempted. And there are even times when I start taking those steps (Backward, mind you.) towards the old me. I get really close, but then God reaches out his hand towards me and puts me back on path. I really don't know why I have been struggling with my old life lately. Okay maybe I do. But, nonetheless, I am desperately trying to keep my steps straight, on the path they should be on. It's honestly the most difficult thing I encounter.

Quote of the day: "Never let a man imagine that he can pursue a good end by evil means, without sinning against his own soul. The evil effect on himself is certain." ~Robert Southey

Scripture of the day: "Direct me in the path of your commands, for there I find delight." ~Psalm 119:35

1 comment:

Roxanne Kristina said...

I like how your process yourself back to Him. Encouraging. I know the walk is frustrating at times, but you get your feet on the right path.

Hope all is well!