Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Weight of the world

Have you ever had something weighing you down? It can be anything. You hold onto this one thing, it follows you everywhere, it doesn't disappear, it makes it feel like you can't function, can't sleep. In my case, it also made me very fearful of the outcome, as I feared the worst. It's like...having the weight of the world on your shoulders.

For a long time, I have had this huge thing weighing me down. And the one person that needed to know this information, is the one that I feared most telling. Along the way, there were plenty of opportunities to let the heavy burden on my shoulders fall on the ground, but I never did. I couldn't do it, couldn't let it go. I wasn't ready to release the burden, again scared of what might happen. Along the way...I heard God speaking to me, telling me it was going to be okay, release this weight on my shoulders and trust Him. But I didn't trust God, I doubted He could pull me through this. I cried, begged, pleaded to just make it all go away....telling myself I would never release this and never say anything. But it didn't go away, it never does. Instead God, put obstacles in my path, forcing me to trust Him. Forcing me to do what was most needed, trust Him and just do it, just tell this one thing I have been harboring for so, so long.

I was such a wreck with nerves that I went two full days without eating. I know that is not good, but my appetite was gone. Moments before I released this burden, I begged God to just take the pain away, make it all go away, saying I couldn't go through with this now or ever. He promptly told me that I wasn't trusting Him again and I needed to have faith it was going to be okay. I still doubted I would get through this.

I took that HUGE step in faith and 10 minutes later, released the heaviest weight that I ever had to bear. I opened my hand that had grasped it so tightly for so long...and let it go, let it all go. I felt so relieved, the more words that came out of my mouth, the more I actually felt this weight moving off of my shoulders. I became over joyed with relief as I released my burden and the person listening was okay with everything. I knew at the moment, I was going to be okay, nothing will change with an important relationship in my life. I had made myself sick worrying and it was not worth the sickness I had brought on myself. I should of trusted God a lot sooner.

Later on in the evening as I as driving home, I had to pull over. I just sat there and cried and cried and then cried some more. But they were tears of joy, tears of praise, ones I hadn't cried in awhile. I praised God for His faithfulness, apologized for not trusting Him with this, thanked Him for that one person in my life and their friendship. Thanked Him that everything was really going to be okay.

And not even a week later, I feel different. Like a new person, like my soul has been lit on fire. I feel like this...

Yeah, that's how I feel. I have been singing that song since Saturday.

1 comment:

Romi said...

AMEN and PRAISE, GOD!!! Thanks for sharing this, Brandy!! That's awesome you confronted your fear as hard, nerve-wracking, and scary as it was. But isn't just like God to keep pushing and rallying us to trust Him and keep moving forward despite our fears (which usually always turn out to be unfounded, huh?!) I've walked in the fear shoes many times too and after the fact I always wonder why I wasted so much time and energy on worrying. It never buys us anything except a queasy feeling in our stomachs or some other symptom. But hopefully we'll remember that along with God's faithfulness the next we have the "weight of the world" bearing down on our shoulders.

"Do not fear, for I am with
you. Do not anxiously look about, for I am your God” (Isaiah 41:10). That is His promise, and our
God has never yet forsaken a promise. We can place all our hope and trust in Him regardless of the circumstance and outcome.

And "Alive" is one of my fav P.O.D. songs...good pick!

And about a God thing! Dana being baptized on the same day you were baptized 6 years ago! That just made Dana beam when I told her. She told me thanks for picking Ms. Brandy's date, but I told her to thank God because it was totally His plan! Our God just never ceases to amaze and awe me!!