Thursday, September 4, 2008

Dates that stick in your head

I'm one of those type of people who pretty much remembers dates. I keep up on birthdays, anniversaries, etc. I do admit to putting everything in my Yahoo calendar, but when I get the reminder about a birthday, etc., coming up, I say to myself, "Yep, I already knew that." Because the date is literally engrained into my head. I'm very odd like that. How about this date, 11/8/2006, that was the day I came down with Dengue Fever. Yes, seriously...I am a maniac when it comes to dates.

Then there are other dates you remember:

The date someone you knew passed away.
The date your animal passed away.
The date that the planes hit the World Trade Center, Pentagon, and a field in Pennsylvania.
The date Kennedy was shot.
The date you got something you really wanted, etc.
The date Martin Luther King Jr. gave his famous "I Have a Dream Speech".
The list could go on and on. In 12 days, it will be September 15th. I was going to make this a future post, but decided to go ahead and post it now. As of right now, I have no clue what this day is going to bring. It could be a monumental day in history, it could be another day. But looking at my life, this is what September 15th means to me as of 9/3/2008. In 12 days, many people will be celebrating a birthday. September 15th is Pam's birthday and Pam would be my mother. Even though I have no intention of celebrating this day, nor do I plan on calling her and wishing her Happy Birthday, it's a date that I can't seem to get out of my head. I honestly want to forget it...

For those of you who don't know...let's just say my relationship with her is odd, and that is putting it very lightly. I don't intend on going into extreme details about my relationship or lack there of on this blog. If you know're a close friend of mine, then you've heard this story before. You know I have serious "mom" issues.

It's been over a year since I've spoken to her. That's actually a short time seeing at I went a good portion of my life (15+ years) without ever hearing from her. My life is so much less complicated without her in it. I don't do complication very well. I've come to realize that I don't have a mother and the only mother I have was my grandmother who is now deceased. Sure, Pam gave birth to me, but does that earn her the title of mother? I don't think so, every time I called her mom in recent years...I cringed. And I only said "mom" because I knew it was something she wanted to hear. She wasn't there when I had my first kiss, she wasn't there to kiss my sores when I fell off my bike, she wasn't there when I went to my first formal, she wasn't there to discipline me when I got out of line, she simply was not there. She literally had absolutely no hand in raising me at all.

Most of my friends are close to their mothers, very close. All the more reason for me to have issues. I find myself getting so jealous of their relationships with their moms because I never had that mother bond you experience. In cases of my friends moms usually one of these things will happen: they immediately "adopt" me as one of their family members or I "cling" to them in hopes that they will be my stand-in mother. Unfortunately because of so many mother figures in my past not being there for me when I needed a mom figure, no matter who takes me into their family, I will push them away, little by little.

I am very fearful of my heart being hurt and the love I never felt from my mother was one of my biggest hurts my heart has felt. I'm afraid for someone to love me, but more afraid that they will make me feel the same way that Pam has made me feel. Which by the way, is a way I NEVER want to feel again in my life. Have you ever experienced the feeling of your own parents not loving you? It hurts beyond comprehension and unless you have gone through this, you really can't begin to understand how deep the pain hurts. I'm 31 years old and that woman and the way she made me feel unloved has affected my entire life.

Jason's mom, Kristine's mom, Becky's mom have all offered to love me and try to be my surrogate mother as much as I will let them . And I can sit here and say that NONE of them have upset me and they will all be there in a heartbeat if I needed them too. But, there's that little part of me is very afraid something will happen and another piece of my heart will be broken. I don't require a mom figure 24/7, I'm an independent woman, and I've been on my own for a long time. But sometimes....I just need a mom, an older woman to love on me, to give me advice. I need that person to make me feel... not so alone. Because many times, I feel so, so alone in my world. Usually, I feel as though I'm a bother by telling them I need them. And so...most of the time, in fact almost all the time, I don't say anything to them. I know that's not right, they are there willing to help, but it's me pushing them away, crawling into my little "I can deal with this" hole.

I know it's not a way to deal with things, but it's the way I am, the way I am wired. I guess because of my past history and my serious trust issues, the only way I know to deal with things is to go into my room, shut the door, pray that God would shed some light on the situation, and cry myself to sleep. It seems to work for the most part. I don't tell these women, who are ready to help, that I need them..somehow I move past whatever issue I'm dealing with. I just can't seem to 100% open up to them.

But I can't help to feel a void...a mom void.

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