Friday, September 12, 2008

Can you see inside my soul?

If you are a reader of this blog, you see my thoughts, my struggles, and my joys. Many of you may think I'm very open about my life as expressed through writing here. However, I'm very open about somethings, but there are so many things I don't discuss on this blog. And in all reality, I'm a very private person. And I really don't let a lot of people into the window of my soul. The reason behind this my trust has been broken many times and trust is a very big thing to me. Once my trust has been broken, I will never let a person back into that "trust circle" that I hold on to so tightly. I just don't open up to people, I don't let them in.

I have a lot of friends, but there are six people in my life, that have peeked into my soul and decided they wanted to hang around me for awhile for reasons I sometimes don't understand. These people continue to love me when I can find no reason to love myself. They shine God's light to me when I'm stuck in a world of darkness.

These people are the ones who know me best...know me better than I know myself. These are the people who I am 100% transparent with. Those lucky six are the ones who see my brokenness more than anyone, more than I want them to sometimes, but they know me, they get me, they get my heart. I looked up the definition of transparent and this is what I found:

  • Easily seen through, recognized, or detected.

  • Manifest, obvious

  • Open, frank, candid

A few posts ago, I wrote about wanting to know the truth. While I was writing that post, the thought occurred to me that there is something in my past that these six people don't know about. It's not a repressed memory, but it's also not something that comes up in conversation nor something I want to recall. For some reason, one friend popped into my head first about not knowing this one thing about me and the thought occurred to me that I needed to tell this person. God really put them on my heart about the fact I'm not being transparent enough. I was really thinking about who knew this and I think the only one is Heather, my oldest friend from Indiana.

Heather is wanting me to write a book about my life because she's known me forever and said people would be impressed with my life and how God brought me through it all. I've thought about, heck even started it, but I'm struggling with it. I'm struggling with the book forcing me to be transparent, people looking to peer into my soul, the soul that not many people are allowed into. It's providing itself quite difficult for me.

I'm probably going to ruffle some feathers here by putting names down, but I honestly don't care. These are the ones God has blessed me with, the ones that encourage me, love me, pick me up when I've fallen, hold me accountable in my life and my faith. And for that, I can't ever thank them enough.

  • Heather, my oldest friend, we've been friends for 23 years now. We've been through everything together. Not matter how long we go without talking, it's like we've missed no time at all.

  • Martha, next oldest friend, going on 10 years now. She keeps me grounded and when I was being stupid and walked away from our friendship (due to my fault), she took my friendship questions asked.

  • Becky, if I am down, she will insist on coffee or ice cream to cheer me up. And if I refuse, she shows up at my house with a big hug and ice cream.

  • Kristine, my chica, it's funny how 10 days in Chile together, changed our lives forever. She randomly sends text messages telling me how she loves me. Funny, how they are sent right when I need them.

  • Julie, I don't ever need to tell her something is wrong, she senses it and will call me out of the blue to make sure I'm okay. I try to tell her I'm okay, and she insists she knows something is wrong...she's always right.

  • Jason, I've never had a friendship with a man where are as close as we are. And when I need him, no matter what, he will be there...even if that means taking the day off from work to cheer me up and making sure I have somewhere to go for the holidays. And even though I'm 7 years older than him, in many aspects, he has become my big brother.

I know I tell you guys this all the time, but you all have a big piece of my heart. I love you guys more than I can ever express.

Quote of the day: "One may have a blazing hearth in one's soul and yet no one would ever come to sit by it. Passersby see only a wisp of smoke from the chimney and continue on the way." ~Vincent Van Gogh


Romi said...

PRAISE GOD for friends like these in our lives, Brandy!!! : ) I totally get where you're coming from with the trust issue. It's tough navigating through that, but when you find people you can trust, hold onto them and they will hold onto to you. Trust is the foundation and glue of any relationship. You're such a wise woman and me thinks you should keep writing your book!! I truly believe we all have at least one book inside ourselves to write! Afterall, look who helps to write our story...God!!! It doesn't get much better than that and I think as followers it's our jou and responsibility to share our stories with each other(in whatever medium we decide.) Thanks so much for sharing your heart so vulnerably and's inspiring and encouraging since I have my own trust issues...don't we all to some degree?

Have a MEGA BLESSED weekend and keep your eyes on the SON!! : )

Romi said...

Whoops...I meant to type "joy" not "jou"....hmmm, my newly created word for the day! LOL