Wednesday, August 13, 2008


Have you ever got the feeling of being overwhelmed with something or maybe being overwhelmed with everything all at one time? Holy cow…I’m feeling very overwhelmed with everything right now. I just feel as though everything is coming at me at one time and I’m not quite sure how to handle it. I know I should just take on one thing at time, but it’s very hard to sort out what is what. Its times like this where I just want to crawl into a hole and not come out until the coast is clear.

A few weeks ago, I posted about what God is doing on my heart in regards to working with homeless people, passing out Bibles to them and how a random guy on Xanga was willing to send me Bibles to help with that. I shared that story with someone here in the valley and they piped up and said that they have Bibles they can give me as well. That is so amazing, and I’m being blessed beyond belief by these people. But I’m feeling overwhelmed here, feeling pressured to give out all those Bibles and do it quickly. I don’t have anywhere to store these things. Honestly wondering why these people haven’t made use of the Bibles themselves. I just feel pressured to make them proud, make God proud by giving out those Bibles. I know this is something I need to do, but I have to step out of my comfort zone. It’s not going to be easy and will take me awhile to fully get into the swing of handing out these Bibles and praying for the homeless. The pressure is mounting. I’m so, so, so, small in this big, big world.

I hate feeling pressured to do something. Usually if someone pressures me to do something, that makes me not want to do it, and if I didn’t want to do it in the first place, then it just makes it worse. This past weekend at church, our Hispanic minister asked me if I had gone to service yet. I stated I was on my way. He tells me, “You’re going to love it. And you need to come talk to me afterwards.” Although I loved the fact we sung a song in Spanish, the sermon was on our Hispanic ministry, and I left the service feeling blah. I love the Spanish language, I strive to know more about it and become fluent. But is it bad that I felt more moved and compelled to serve the homeless than I do to work with the Hispanic ministry? I feel guilty for some reason for not wanting to help them. I talked to him one day about me wanting to learn more Spanish. We agreed that I could come to the Bible study and I could just sit in. But, when I came, he didn’t want me to do the Bible study, he wanted me to work with the kids, who by the way speak English. I understand they need help, but I just didn’t want to do that. I am trying desperately not to burn myself out at church, I’m very capable of doing it, and I’ve done it many times.

Another thing overwhelming me right now is Tres Dias. I thoroughly believe in this retreat, it completely changed my life when I went. Each time I served, I have been so, so, blessed. But I am having the feeling of being overwhelmed here as well, probably more than anything else in my life. The weekend isn’t even here and I’m not in the game. My heart is not there and with school starting in two weeks, the pressure of doing everything for this is building up. Deep down, I don’t want to serve with this right now. But I’m afraid to tell people as I don’t want to disappoint anyone. There you go, Brandy, always trying to please everyone else. I need to focus on school and serving with Tres Dias is not going to make it easy. I know this for a fact. It’s just all too much to take in right now.

I’m so, so, so small in this big, big world….

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