Thursday, May 15, 2008

To tell or not to tell

So, a few days ago, when I posted my pic blog, I was annoyed. Well, I'm not annoyed anymore, so I suppose I can blog now. I saved all my annoying stuff for the private blog. That is usually my venting place. I actually feel pretty refreshed.

Yesterday, I went to go visit some family members I hadn't seen in a long time. For so long, I have been so closed off to them. These particular family members have done nothing to me, but after my grandma died, I lost contact with a lot of them. I went and saw my great-aunt, Wanda (aka grandma too). She really is my favorite of the bunch. She always has been. I saw my aunt and her kids as well. It's been so, so long since I saw them. My little cousin who is 12, Venus, opened the door and didn't know who I was. Yep, it's been that long since I've seem them. Her older brother didn't know who I was either. Lol. Ah, but the oldest sister remembered me, of course, we spent plenty of time together when she was little. I was after all her babysitter. It was a bittersweet moment to see her yesterday, she is heading back to Indiana today to work for the summer and the will be attending Indiana University in the fall with a full ride scholarship. Her major? Possibly Environmental Science. Her grandma asked yesterday what that meant, I said, "Money." Ha! I'm proud of her, but wished I could of had more time to spend with her. But, she has do I, such a way to keep in contact. :) I had some revelations yesterday, I wished I could turn back time that I was out of their life. See, before I was a Christian, I was a hateful person, and I never hated these people, but when my grandma died, I became that hateful person. I was mad at the world, the family, because she died. I just wish I could of been there while they were growing up. Now that they, as well as some other cousins, nieces, nephews are back in my life, I am determined to be a part of their lives as much as I can. I am determined that Paige (my great niece) knows who I am, knows Aunt Brandy.

And then...there's this other issue. I've known something for 20 years, it's a big family secret, but I know it. The person who needs to know, doesn't have a clue. This secret involves me and lately, it's really been eating away at me. I promised my grandmother I would never say anything to this person, and even though she's gone, I can't break that promise. But it is literally eating away at me. It has to with my other family here (aunt, uncle, cousin). I have been drifting away from them for so long because of this secret. It makes me not want to talk to them, and I know if I confronted the issue face to face with her, it would break her heart. A month or so ago, I choose to take the cowardly way and put it in a letter and dropped it in the mail. During this time she was in the hospital. I'm guessing one of two things happened, she never got the letter at all, or her husband got the letter, and didn't give it to her. *Sigh* I was trying to avoid the whole confrontation thing, but here it is back on my plate. I talked to my aunts yesterday about it, trying to make them understand the struggles I am going through. I can keep a secret, but this is a big secret and I've held it for 20 years, more than half of my life, it's becoming too much. She said everyone knew about it, except for him and my other aunt didn't want him to know. I go over to this other aunt's house yesterday...he answered the door. I saw my uncle as well, I could barely look him in the eye. Something tells me he got that letter, I feel it in my gut. I visited with my aunt for 30 minutes while she gave me the guilt trip for not calling her. I apologized and told her I was a horrible niece. But couldn't bring up the issue as to why I hadn't's because I know. Her health is not good, and I can't bring myself to say something to her in fear she might have a heart attack or something. So, what's a girl to do in this situation? I don't know what God wants me to do, I wish He would just spell it out.

Also, as of late I've had something put on my heart. Not quite sure what to do with it. But next summer, I might be taking a missions trip somewhere...alone, to an undisclosed place (for right now). I need to get out and experience the world for myself. Don't give me all the "blahs" about traveling alone. I have been out of the country on trips a few times with the church, I even led a trip. I think I can handle myself. And I talked to someone about it, the finances that would be involved (which I don't have), she was really encouraging. I know she would give me every cent if I asked, but we decided that I could possibly send out letters to raise financial support like I do when I go on trips with the church. I am going to pray about it and see if that is what God really wants me to do, or if I'm just jumping the gun. I am giving myself till January to figure this out (a long time, I know), but I want to have every detail worked out, if this is what God wants me to do, then will start raising funds in January for a summer trip.

Ah, but I shall depart you now, I must start work!

Have a fantastic day basking in God's love!


Quotes of the day: "Secrets are made to be found out with time." Charles Stanford

"Cherish your human connections - your relationships with friends and family." Barbara Bush

No comments: