Thursday, May 1, 2008

Oh man...

Have you ever done something and the time you didn't realize you did it? I don't intentionally set out to hurt people's feelings. I used to, but I'm a different person now. I try to make the conscious effort not to hurt anyone, but today I was brought to tears at the realization of something I had done back in January. My friend had sent me a link to her private blog to share our weight loss experience, she had previously given me this link, but I was having trouble pulling it up. I kept forgetting to tell her about the problems I was having. She emailed the link today and I figured while I had time, I would read some of her blog, a few posts back, I read one about me. What I did was stupid, you may not think it's a big thing...but my friends are very important to me. Minus a few family members, they're pretty much the only thing I have. Instead of helping this friend, I choose to hang out with another friend. I know, stupid and childish, right? I just wasn't thinking and my head at the time was very clouded with something. I didn't think anything of it, but I was putting my needs above her needs. And I shouldn't of done that. She told never told me she was angry at me, but she was...maybe she still is. I'm not sure. It hurts my heart to know that she might be still angry with me or was ever angry with me in the first place. I consider a very close friend, one of the few I actually trust. I read this very early this morning and she's quite busy, so I sent her an email profusely apologizing for my actions. I just felt horrible, I still feel horrible. I can't believe I did that and she may never trust me the same way again.

Has your head ever become so clouded that you sometimes can't even think straight? This one thing, or many things...clouds your thoughts, blurs your vision. Why do we let ourselves get like that? Why? If I would of kept my eyes focused on God, I would not let my thoughts get so clouded like they have. Sometimes it becomes so much that I can't even manage to sort through all the junk and find Brandy. As days go by, I am learning more about God, more about his love, more about his grace. And yes, after 7 years of walking with God, I still haven't surrendered to him. I mean, I've surrendered some things, but not everything. Why can't I let this go? Why can't I let that go? Why don't I fully surrender 100% to God? I think a lot of it is my independency. I was raised to be very independent and to never let anyone take care of me. There are very few people I depend on because so many people have let me down. And it's taken me awhile to depend on those people for small things. I should be dependent on God, let him take care of me, love on me and shower me with his grace and mercy. I'm working on it, but not fully there.

Oh by the friend just texted me and said, "Te amo, chica." Glad to know she still loves me and she's not angry with me anymore.*Grin* "Y te amo tambiĆ©n."

Gotta go shower, I honestly stink something fierce. But it's a good thing that I smell, because that smell came from the sweat of taking a very fast walk around the canal which I've done three times this week. Hooray!

Quote of the day: "A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small bundle." Benjamin Franklin

"At the cross you beckon me, draw me gently to my knees, and I'm so lost for words, so in love, sweetly broken, wholly surrendered."

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