Looking Back

What up, blog world? Once again I am a failure at keeping this updated? What in the world has happened to me? I used to blog all the time. I’d like to say I vow this year to write more, but who am I kidding? I only hop on here every six months or so.

These past three months have been a whirlwind of changes. I have mentioned before, I am so not a fan of changes. Some have been great, some have been bad. In the middle of November, I left my job @ the hospital. I had applied to work back with the government and after a long waiting period, I got the call offering me a job. This job was in Anderson which is where my church is located. Anderson is also where I volunteer. It’s also more than $2/hr and it’s working back with Medicaid. I excitedly told my new manager yes three times that I would take the position.

Shortly after I started, I found this great place to live. It’s in the heart of downtown and literally across the street from my job. It is a lovely 2 bedroom apartment. I just love it so much. I reveled at the fact that I was moving closer to my church family. I loved that I would be more available to help extra at the church or babysit for some of the kids that I teach. Little did I know that I would be the one who would need the help of my church family.

On Christmas day, I was carrying out a basket full of presents to the car. It wasn’t a heavy basket, but as I was carrying it, I felt a very sharp shooting pain down the back of my left leg and almost immediately my foot went numb. I did think it was weird, but it seemed to go away. I enjoyed the day with minimal pain after that. The next day I couldn’t walk at all. The shooting pain was now going down the back of both of my legs. Do you know how scary it is to experience pain so bad that you can’t walk at all? I had experienced back pain in the past on a quarterly basis, but this was nothing I had ever experienced. I knew something was horribly wrong. I vowed to spend the day nursing whatever was going on with lots of rest and medicine round the clock. At one point the pain was so bad to stand, I had to drop down to my hands and knees and crawl from the bedroom to the living room. Nothing seemed to help. When I woke up the next morning, the pain was still there but had worsened. I finally made the decision to go to the ER.

The ER had taken an xray and said they found nothing wrong, but sent me home with some pain pills, muscle relaxers, and a steroid and told me to follow up with my doctor for MRI. I got in with my doctor a few days later and had my MRI scheduled for two weeks away. The MRI determined that I have a bulging disc and Spinal Stenosis. The report mentioned SEVERE spinal stenosis. I was referred to a neurosurgeon. My appt is 2/9.

During the time in between the ER and just last week, I had to learn to stop being so stubborn about asking and accepting help. There was so much I couldn’t do any more. Even the simple task of cleaning out my cat’s litter box caused immense pain. My church family was with me every step of the way. From taking me to the ER, to grocery shopping, taking out my garbage, cleaning out Toffee’s box, taking me to doctor’s appt, and bringing me food. Even my new coworkers helped me by picking me up for work or getting me some coffee. I was shown what community was really like. It has all been very humbling. I am so thankful for all of them. I am also thankful that I listened to God by asking for or accepting help. I wouldn’t have been able to survive without any of the help I received.

So, what now? Looking back at why I’m having such trouble with my back, I’m quite positive it’s because of my weight. And I am honestly so mad at myself for never really being too serious about losing weight. I have been obese all of my life. I can never look back and remember myself being thin. But now I worry…is it too late to change? Have I ruined my back forever by being so overweight? Am I never going to experience what it’s like to walk normal again? Is this my new normal? Am I going to have to live on pain pills the rest of my life? Is surgery in my future? I don’t know the answer to any of these questions. My mind is overwhelmed with these questions.

I have really been in a funk lately with this back stuff. I am so thankful for everyone’s help, but I miss my independence desperately. I miss just being able to grocery shop as well as other little things. And although I haven’t voiced this to a lot of people, my depression is rearing its ugly head. I don’t want to be someone who is in chronic pain or someone who has to live on pain pills. I realize people live like this every day and I’m not judging them for that. But I don’t want to be included in that category. I don’t do well with medicine in general and pain pills just make me so groggy. If I could turn back time to amend this weight situation knowing what I know now, I would. But I can’t. And it may be too late to fix anything. I am willing to try everything before succumbing to surgery. That is a last option.

I find myself holding onto Jesus’ hand more now than ever. I am scared of what my future holds and clinging on to Jesus is about the only thing that is going to get me through. I know He hears my cries and He sees my pain.I know He knows how worried I am. And I know He knows the future and no matter what happens, I will be okay.

“Faith is the bird that sings when the dawn is still dark.”

~Unknown

What the Future Holds

Blogger world! What's crack-a-lackin'? This blog has been horribly neglected. Horribly. I constantly think about all these things to blog about, but can never seem to get my thoughts straight. I'm going to try to convey what is going on in my life the best I can.

My last post, I wrote about finally finishing up my pre-reqs for the nursing program. I took this semester off and was going to hopefully start the program (If I got in) in January. Here is where everything stands, the deadline to apply for the winter semester is September 1st.

Have I taken my TEAS nursing test? No. Therefore, I haven't applied for the program and won't be applying for the winter semester. You might ask why isn't this done as I'm not one to procrastinate. This time off of school has made me realize that I don't want to be a nurse. In all honestly, I really just feel that it's become an unattainable goal. And because my thoughts has come to this, I just don't want to pursue it anymore. I began looking at other options like being a LPN or a Medical Assistant. And at least once a week, someone tells me I would be a good teacher or social worker. Then I thought maybe God has been trying to tell me something this entire time about my future and I just never listened until now. I went to my school's website and pulled up the course tracks for different areas I was looking at to see what it would take to acquire some sort of degree. They all have about the same amount of classes. After looking through everything, the truth is I have no idea what I want do with my life. I just want to help people. God put me on this Earth for that reason and it's all I really want to do.

I know some of you reading this are probably saying to yourself, "Brandy, you've come so far, you have to finish and get your nursing degree." I know that, I realize how far I've come, how long it has taken me to get this far. I am also my harshest critic and feel like a complete failure for choosing not to go the nursing route. But if my heart is no longer in the game, there's no point in pursing it any further. I know that if I were to pursue nursing with my heart not being in the right place, it will just make things worse. So, at least I'm trying to be smart with it. But please try to understand where I am coming from. You haven't gone through what I've gone through with school. I do realize a lot of the lengthy schooling as been my fault, but it's still not easy to swallow.

Am I choosing to pursue another area of study? Not at this time. I've rather enjoyed my time off from school and I'm currently in the process of looking for a new job. I've needed a new job for awhile, but constantly put it off because of school. I just didn't want to quit one job, get a new one, only to quit that job to pursue school. But I've toughed it out as much as I could with my current job and I just can't do it anymore. Right now, I'm choosing happiness over school. I recently reapplied to work back with the government. One of the positions I applied for is similar to what I did in Arizona. I am praying my resume at least gets looked at. This job is about $9K more a year. And that would tremendously help and I would even be able to possibly pay for school if I decide to pursue further education in the future.

So there you have it. No school for the time being.

Hello, is anyone there?

Has it really been 5 months since my last post? I miss the days where I would blog frequently. I really should be updating more. Writing is such a good release. So much has happened in the past five months.

The big thing is I FINALLY finished my pre-reqs for the nursing program. Yowza! It has been a long time coming. I've gotten so discouraged along the way. So much so that if I passed this semester, I was considering on being done with school all together. Once I found out that I passed, I was still left with a huge question mark as to if I was going to continue or not. I was standing at a fork in the road. Just so sick of school, but not wanting it all to be a waste. All for nothing. Then last week, I got something in the mail. Something I believe was God's affirmation to keep going. I received a technical certificate for finishing all my core pre-reqs. It was so unexpected and so much needed. Once the confusion cleared up as to why I was receiving the certificate, I just started crying. I needed that piece of paper more than I can explain. So, I am pursing the nursing program. I need to apply by September in hopes of starting in January.

Have I ever mentioned that I'm so not big on change? Starting a nursing program is a big change in itself, but if that happens, I will have to quit my job. I'll probably have to live with someone, practically rent free, learning to go to school full time and only work part time. It's always been the other way around. Lots and lots of changes. If I start thinking about it too much, I start to get overwhelmed. My thoughts start to take over and it all becomes way too much to process.

In the midst of all this change, there is another factor that may be involved. Another possible change. One that I'm not quite ready to talk about yet. But it is another thing to process on on top of everything.

But through it all, I'm choosing to trust God. No matter how scared the thoughts of my future may be. I'm choosing to trust the One who will take care of it all.

I feel that God is doing something in my life right now, something bigger than I had ever imagined, something that I'm not sure I'm ready for. It's taking everything in me not to run far, far away. That is my adult way to handling things. Lol. When things get too rough, it doesn't take much for me to cut my losses and walk away. I've hardened my heart so much to hurt from different situations, I know how to protect myself. But I feel I am slowly freeing myself from the wall. Bit by bit, little by little the wall is starting to break. Perhaps I am like the caterpillar that has gone into it's cocoon to mature. Just like the caterpillar, my body, my mind is changing and I'm just about to break out of my cocoon and ready to spread my wings.

Eeeeekkkk! So much change going on. But again, I'm trying not to focus on that. I'm just choosing to love and trust my Jesus through it all.

One step, one day at a time, right?

"All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another."

Anatole France

The Tattoo on my Arm

I have a tattoo on my left forearm. It's a simple tattoo, small. It's two initials outlined in hearts. The two initial would be B and N for Brandy and Nikki. Nikki is my little sister. Step-sister actually. But she's the one I am closest to even though we don't talk much. She has the same tattoo on her foot. The purple outline is because we were both born in February and Amethyst is our birthstone.

Early in December, I got a text from my little brother to call him as soon as I could that it was about Nikki. When I called him he told me she was in the hospital due to her doing drugs and her liver was shutting down. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Drugs? I mean I knew she smoked pot, but I knew nothing more. So I was caught off guard. But I was still skeptical and wanted to hear it from her mouth. She wasn't telling anyone what happened and I wasn't getting any answers. So the next day, I found 4 different hospitals in two cites as to where she might be. I found her at the fourth hospital. When the operator told me she was connecting me to her room, I teared up.

She didn't want to tell me what happened and I told her that was okay. That whether she told me or not, I still loved her. Because that is all that really matters. She wound up telling what my brother had told me and confirmed that it was due to drugs, particularly Meth. I kept telling her I loved her no matter what, but through tears pleaded with her to seek help because I couldn't bear to lose my little sister.

She was discharged a few days later and I haven't heard from her since. I have tried calling, texting. No response. My brother hasn't heard from her either. I know she's still alive as she's posting on FB. But she's ignoring us, her family. And to be honest, my heart is completely broken about everything. I hate that I am not near her to try to help her. I can't stop thinking about her, praying about her, wondering where she is. Wondering if she's okay, wondering if she's alive. I get a sense of relief when I see a post on Facebook even if it's about something regarding pot. It means she's still breathing. My thoughts are so consumed with her that I can't think straight, sometimes can't function, can't sleep. I've learned how to deal with alcohol. And although Meth  and alcohol are both considered drugs, this Meth chapter is a whole new thing to process. It's very uncharted waters for me.

Please pray for my sister. Pray for her to get off the drugs completely. I don't know what else to do but pray.

Where Are You?

Where Are You?

Five years ago I heard about a website titled FutureMe.org. It’s a website where you can send yourself an email to your future self. I can’t remember the time frames you can choose from, but for some reason I chose for the email to be sent today…five years later. 

And I completely forgot about the email. I even forgot about the website. Until today. Today I got an email from FutureMe. At first, I thought it was spam, but then I realized what it was.  The first sentence says, “The following in an email from the past, composed 4 years and 12 months ago, on June 28, 2008.” I had titled the email, “Where are you?”

Five years ago:

•  I still lived in Arizona.
•  I still worked for the government.
• Moving back to Indiana wasn’t even on my radar.
• I idolized someone so much, I put them before God.
• I admitted to my depression struggles and put myself in counseling.
• My mother was still alive. 

Wow, it's crazy what can happen in five years. 

Here’s most of the email I sent to myself five years ago.

Dear Future Me:

Where are you living? Are you still living in the United States or did you finally make your dream of becoming a missionary in South American a reality?

Are you even alive? If so, what have you done with your life?

I hope by the time you read this, you’re fulfilling your dream.

Where are you in your faith? Have you made God proud?

Do you still even believe in God? At the time of writing this letter you are fighting your demons every day. They win a lot.

Have you brought anyone to Jesus? Have you spoken to people about Jesus? I hope you have.

I think when you read this, you should journal about it.

Pay attention to your life, every little detail.

You never know when you’re going to die; only God knows this.

I left a few personal things about because it’s water under the bridge. The email was short, but it hit home in a lot of ways. Do I still dream about being a missionary? Yes, and God has opened my eyes to a whole bigger world in South Africa. But to be honest, I feel in a lot of ways that my mission field is right here in Indiana. 

Since I have yet to become a nurse, I would say that I’m still fulfilling my dream of being a nurse. I’ve wanted to throw in the towel many times, but I kept on going. Slow and steady wins the race, right? I hope that's the case.

A few things struck a chord with me. The question asking if I was still alive and if I still even believe in God. Whew! Knowing where my mind was five years ago, I knew why I had said that. Depression had taken over my life and I was beginning to lose hope. Wow, that seems so long ago. I still have my struggles with it, but it’s nothing like it was back then. 

Have I made God proud? Have I talked about Jesus? Have I brought people to Jesus? I hope the answer to these questions are yes. Because now and till the end of my life, I want nothing more than to have God beam with pride at the thought of my name.  And for Him to say, “You did good, Bran!”

I’m going to send some more emails to myself; it’s always good to reflect back.