Be careful, we don't want to learn from this...

Thank you

2011-11-24T16:13:00.001-05:00

**Every year about Thanksgiving, I post this post. Sometimes I edit it and sometimes I just leave it the way it is. It's a reminder of where I've been and how far I've come.**

God,
Thank you for everything you continue to do for me. Thank you for loving me even when I screw up. Your love is like nothing I have ever felt.

I don't say thank you enough for sending Jesus to die for my sins and I'm sorry for that. I forget about the cross on my neck sometimes, forget why I wear it. God, thank you for never letting me walk away from you 100%, you always manage to pull me back when I get too far away from you. Thank you for stopping me, being my conscience when my "old self" comes out. You stop me from going backwards; force me to own up to my actions, no matter how bad it is.

Thank you for saving me and caring about me. No one has ever cared for me like you do. Why do you do it? There have been many times when I dishonored you. Your love is unconditional.

Thank you for assuring me that I'm gonna be alright when I don't seem to think so. Thank you for showing light in my sometimes dark world. I know that even now, while I'm struggling to fight off the depression, you are still here. Thank you for always welcoming me back to your arms when I stray off your path. I don't deserve this kind of love from you. Your love is so amazing, your grace and mercy is beyond my comprehension. Thank you for always having time for me, when my schedule is so busy, I have no time for you.

Thank you for allowing me to work in the healthcare field, proving that this is where my passion is, still, after all this time. Thank you for reminding that even with the huge paycut that I took, You still provide for my needs.

Thank you for sometimes "slapping me in the face" to make me open my eyes to see what You see. I can be so blind sometimes. Thank you for always keeping my eyes open and for wiring me to put others needs before myself. Thank you for times you've prompted me to feed a homeless person, check in on a friend, or whatever. I've been crazy blessed every time I've listened to You.

Thank you for making the person that I am. You made me this way for a reason. Thank you for showing me that my purpose is to serve you above everything. That right there is an honor, the highest to speak of.

Thank you for the fact that I can hear the sounds around me, like the sound of a child laughing, of the waves crashing against the shore. The sounds of people singing only for You in many languages. The sound of people crying out to you in adoration.

Thank you for my sight, through my eyes, I have seen your beauty in people as well as in nature, the world's pain, the smile of a loved one. I've seen You. I see you always.

Thank you for my sense of smell, I have smelled fresh green grass and the ocean air. I love to smell a baby's head, a puppy's breath, and orange blossoms. The smell of my grandmother's perfume on someone brings back so many memories. I have smelled the pages of an old Bible and loved it. They all remind me of you, God, somehow.

Thank you for my sense of touch, to me the most important sense I have. With this, I have felt the greatest hug from friends, the kiss on my hand from a stranger in need, the softness of a baby's cheek, the comfort of a warm blanket, a little one's hand tightly wrapped around my one finger, felt you in a breeze. I have felt my hands in yours. You're still holding my hands, I feel it more every day.

Thank you for blessing me with such awesome friends that I love dearly and hold very close to my heart. I take them for granted sometimes and forget to thank you for them also. These are the ones who show me you're still around when I can't find you. I'm blessed for old friendships rekindled, ones that will never die, and new ones that have been made.

Thank you for getting me out to Indiana. I feel like it took me forever to get back here and now that I'm back I see your hand through it all. My heart is so full of love by being back here. Thank you for strengthening the relationship I have with my father. I never knew that I could love him this much. It's all because of you.

I guess I get caught up in life and forget how blessed I am sometimes. I apologize for that. Thank you for opening my eyes to who You are 9years ago. Wow, it has been a ride, but I wouldn't change a thing.

Thank you for everything, I will be eternally grateful to you for what you have done in my life. And I'll continue to serve you in gratitude until I take my last breath.

A Whole Bunch of Randomness

2011-09-05T09:16:00.000-04:00

I really couldn't think of a title for this post and there are numerous things to blog about. So randomness it is!

Job is going well. My brain was a little overloaded with all the information given me my first week. It's a lot to take in. I'm not overwhelmed to the point where I don't think I can do this job. Which is a good thing. I definitely think that my ten years of Medicaid experience helps me. In my job, I'm pre-registering patients for rehab appointments and then following through by verifying their coverage and benefits with their insurance. It's definitely going to be a job that will keep me busy! My first week seem to have flown by. The lady training me is very knowledgeable and patient. I'm thankful to have her as a trainer.

On the negative side, I don't know how, but I managed to catch a summer cold on Thursday. Friday seems to have pretty much a blur due to the wealth of information and my head being as clouded as it was. But like I always do, I managed to suck it up and concentrate on my job. I was thankful for the three day weekend to recover. I'm still struggling as of today, hoping tomorrow is better. I signed up for insurance last week and that means that as of 9/1, I'm fully insured by health insurance again. Hooray!

I am hoping to move out in a few months. I really don't know if I can afford living on my own, but I think if I find an apartment with all utilities paid, I could do it. It's beneficial to stay where I am, but in some ways I feel like I am burden on the finances. They say the water bill is high, I hear that I am a burden. They say the electricity bill is high, I hear that I am a burden. They say their food stamps were decreased, I hear there's still another mouth to feed. Yes, I know that's probably not the case, but that's what I struggle with on the depression side. I do try to conserve stuff, however adding a third person to an already stretched tight budget throws a wrench into everything. I would like to live closer to my job. As it stands, working in Muncie 5 days a week is 300 miles of driving for the entire week. It's a lot. That right there could save me some money.

We shall see how the paychecks go. I'm praying it works out.

Change of 'Tude

2011-08-23T16:35:00.000-04:00

I always like to go through my old posts and re-read what I have written. It's a way of reflecting and to see what God has done. I noticed that my last three posts were a little down and woe is me. And it's okay to get like that sometimes, but it's definitely not okay to say in that rut. By the way, TS, I read your comment and I'm praying over what you said. :)

It's not going to do me any good to complain about things.

So, today I'm going to focus on the blessings. Yeah, blessings are a good thing.

Most people have heard this news, but for those of you who aren't on Facebook and only read this blog, as of Monday, the 29th, I will officially be employed again. Hooray! I was hired with Indiana University Health working for a hospital a few towns away. This is the biggest blessing to me! Not only will I have a job with a steady paycheck again, but I will also have health insurance & retirement. The job is nice, but for the longest time I've been going to school for nursing. I kept saying, "If I could just get my foot in the door with a medical facility". Knowing I would have to take a cut in pay, but it's okay, I just wanted my foot in the door. And sometimes you have to start back at the bottom to get back up. So, here I am employed with the biggest health system in the state of Indiana who by the way also has a nursing program. Did you hear that?!?! I said a nursing program! *Does a happy dance*

It all feels surreal to me, like I'm dreaming. But I'm not, the badge says I'm employed by the hospital. Employed by the hospital...man, I LOVE the sound of that. It's like sweet, sweet music to my ears. I'm one step, or maybe a few steps, closer to achieving a long term goal.

I was getting so discouraged and just when I was about to give up and not look for any more jobs, God came through. He's good about doing that.

Thanks, God. You are good.

Family

2011-08-17T18:39:00.000-04:00

Ever since my grandma died, I've just felt lost. I somehow felt as though I didn't belong with my own blood family and started to seek other people out to "adopt" me into their family. Over the past few years, I've slowly started to feel like I am part of my own family. Now that I am living with my dad, I am desperately trying to make some sort of "family" with him and his girlfriend.

It's difficult for me. They are so used to functioning with just themselves. I sometimes feel as though I am throwing a wrench into things. I stated in my last post they eat really late. I hate eating so late, but I do it because I want to eat with them. I want to sit down and have some sort of normalcy with my new family. Even if it's sitting in the living room with the TV trays while we eat. It's important to me to eat with them. It's not something I had growing up.

Just the little things that families may or may not do are all valuable to me. There are so many things to do in Indiana, I had suggested that maybe on Sundays we could do something as a family, all three of us. Everyone seemed fine with it, but I heard my dad's girlfriend on the phone talking to two different people. Each time she said we were having family time on Sunday, she emphasized "family". It was almost like she was mocking me. And it just hurt each time I heard her. Maybe she didn't mean anything by it, maybe she did. I consider her family, but maybe she doesn't think the same of me.

I decided on Sunday on the way home that I won't ever ask them to do anything again and I'll just have to explore everything alone. That's just the way I am, I always tend to feel as though I am a burden. I know I am not, but that's the depression talking. By her emphasizing the word family, it suddenly made me feel like I was a big burden. I really think she would have rather stayed home on Sunday and watched Nascar instead of going to the river. My dad was all gung ho about it, even though we didn't find what we were looking for. But I think if it came down to coming out with his daughter or staying home with his girlfriend who doesn't want to really explore anything, he would choose the second choice.

And so, I just won't ask about anything anymore.

I Dread the Nights

2011-08-09T09:56:00.000-04:00

I decided a long time ago to never touch a drop of alcohol ever again. I've kept that promise and it's been at least 12 years since I've had any alcohol. I made this vow not because of my drinking history. I really don't have a drinking history. Yeah, I drank a little bit when I was younger, but I can only recall 2 times where I was drunk. Drinking never appealed to me and I didn't like to be drunk because I was not in control of my life. I made that vow to never drink again because for as long as I can remember I've been around alcoholics. My grandfather, my father, & my mother. Granted I wasn't around my mom a lot growing up. But in the short times I've encountered her, she was always drunk. Alcoholism is said to be genetic. And in all honestly, I don't want to be anything like them. I don't want to be in a situation where I am not in control of my life, where alcohol is the most important thing to me.

Looking back on my childhood, I remember bursts of anger, abuse towards family members. I remember days of making drinks for my grandpa and my dad. My two younger siblings and I could make a drink with our eyes shut. I have a lot of memories of my childhood, and alcohol unfortunately is part of those memories. Alcohol was such a big part of my childhood that my father and cousin put a pint of Jack Daniels in my grandfather's coffin. Because when they thought of my grandpa, they thought of him drinking.

I absolutely hate alcohol. Hate it. I hate the way it smells, I hate the way it tastes, I hate the way people act when they are drunk, and I especially hate what it does to my loved ones. I really don't want to be around anyone who drinks. I put up with it in social settings because I know that I won't have to deal with it very long. I don't judge people for drinking socially, it's just not something I want to be a part of. There were many times where I wouldn't go to something because I knew there would be alcohol involved.

I remember once even putting myself in Al-Anon because my father was stressing me out so badly after my grandma died. He constantly called at 1 or 2 in the morning drunk. It was a lot for me to handle. His drinking has calmed down due to his heart problem. And I see his heart problem as a blessing in disguise, it's the only thing that opened his eyes about his drinking.

For so long, I've lived my life and chose not to surround myself around any drinking at all. Now, I'm right back into it and I feel as though I'm reliving my childhood again. I knew moving in with my dad and girlfriend that alcohol would come into my life again. They both drink, with her drinking more than him (only because of his heart). The entire attitude of the house changes when 4pm hits. The first drink is poured, a cream soda and Vodka. From that point forward, the drinks continue to flow until about 9 or 10 at night. At that point the drinking has commenced and it's now time for dinner. Yes, we eat dinner that late every night. Last night dinner was at 10:30. I finished up the dishes at 11:30. At first she was drinking and would get a little buzzed. But it seems for the past month her nightly drinking has become nights of drunkenness. I can always tell when it happens, I see her make the numerous drinks, her eyes start to get a little glassy, her speech is slurred, she starts making no sense at all when she talks. Oh and let's just throw some pot into the mix, because she smokes that every day as well. I hate it. Hate it, hate it, hate it.

Hate it.

Last night, I couldn't get the dishes finished quick enough to get to bed. I was at a breaking point and wound up crying myself to sleep. All I can do is keep praying is to find a job soon because I don't know how more I can handle and I'm afraid of blowing up. The option of talking to my dad is out of the question. I already know his reaction and I would probably be looking for a place to stay soon after the conversation. She's not willing to change, I realized that a few days ago as we were at my cousin's house. My cousin has realized her alcoholism has taken over her life and is trying really hard to quit. She's fallen off the wagon twice in a year, but she knows she needs to quit. I'm proud of her, I know it can't be easy, but she's trying. My dad's gf said in the car as we were driving back that she was happy for my cousin and would respect her enough not to drink at her house. But if my cousin came to our house, the drinking would still take place. She said she wasn't changing her ways for someone visiting us.

It just makes me sad.

There's so much more I can say about this, but it's pointless. It's the same thing over and over again, night after night. I'll never be okay with it, never. Once again I am in a role reversal. I'm the parent and they are the children. A role I'm familiar with more than I want to be.

Feeling discouraged

2011-08-01T11:41:00.002-04:00

80.
That's the number of jobs I have applied for here in Indiana.
1.
That's the number of interviews I've had from the 80 applications submitted.
When I was in Arizona, I kept saying I would get a job quickly at least with the government. I mean, I have over 10 years of government experience, I should be a shoe-in, right? I know I shouldn't think like that, but I did. Government, health care, retail, whatever. I've applied for many different jobs.
Here I am two months later and still unemployed. I can't remember the last time I went this long without a job, I've always gone from one job to another. I know there are people who have been unemployed a lot longer than me, but I never thought I would be without work this long. I've never watched my spending so much before. Another thing I've had for so long is health insurance. But I haven't had any for two months either. I've had to step into new areas like calling a free health insurance clinic to see if I can get in so I can get my medication refilled. There was no open appointments, I've been put on a waiting list for an appointment. I've started calling regular doctors in the area to see how much they charge for an office visit for someone without insurance. The cheapest I've found is $60. That's not including the costs of any tests they may need to run, nor is it including the cost of medicine. There's no money coming into my bank account and it's depleting.
But I am still remembering to trust God. Although, I haven't got a job and I haven't exactly found a home church yet, I'm still making sure I tithe. It's only $20 every week, but it's something. I cancelled my Netflix account, which saved me $10 a month. But prayed about supporting missionaries in Mozambique. So, I'm taking my $10 that I was spending on Netflix and supporting a missionary family in Africa. Again, it's not much, but it's all I can do without any extra income coming in. God knows my heart and he knows I'm trying, little as it may be, I am trying.
I'm not used to having all this free time. No school, no work, not currently involved in serving anywhere. I had contacted Grant County Women's Shelter last week to see if I could volunteer and the woman who ran it wasn't very friendly on the phone. I got the feeling that she really didn't want to be bothered, so it didn't happen. God orchestrated a meeting yesterday with a lady at the current church I am attending who happens to run another homeless shelter in Marion. I jokingly asked if she needed any help with employment or volunteering. She had said that they laid off 6 people a few months ago, but was in desperate need of volunteers. I explained to her that I was currently unemployed and had all the time in the world to help her with anything she needed. She gave me her cell phone and asked me to call her this week. I'm excited about the opportunity to volunteer.

Every night I pray and tell God how good and faithful he is. I know this to be true. I just forget sometimes. Lately I have been singing a song that the worship pastor at Sun Valley wrote called Sovereign Lord. It's just been the chorus I have been singing, "Why are you so downcast oh my soul? Our God is good, our God's in control."
Yep, God is good and he's in control. Don't forget that, Bran!

Country Girl

2011-07-30T16:03:00.000-04:00

Something has happened to me since I've been home. Somewhere deep inside me, a country girl has been trying to get out. I've never lived in the country, I've always been a city girl. But my time here has taught me that deep down I'm a country girl. I used to never listen to country music. If I did, it was few and far in between. I like a good selection of music, but I generally listen to rap/hip hop. Lately, my radio station has been on a country station and for some reason the music doesn't bother me at all. I've even deleted a few rap/hip hop songs on my Mp3 player to make room for Blake Shelton, Jason Aldean, & Taylor Swift. I've also been listening to classic rock a lot more. I've always liked classic rock, but now my radio is always on a classic rock or a country station.

I went and bought some khaki capri's a few weeks ago at Fashion Bug. They also had some camouflage capri pants. I found myself looking at them and debating on purchasing them. Okay, I have never cared too much about camouflage. Honestly never cared at all. I left the store without purchasing them, but couldn't stop thinking about them. So I went back a few days later to get them. Sadly I didn't purchase them that day either. The only reason why I didn't purchase them was because I couldn't find a shirt to match them. But I am still thinking about buying them.

I never had the want to know the workings of a farm. Never. Now, I want to find a farm to volunteer on and learn about running a farm. I want to learn everything about the business, including the down and dirty stuff. Although, I know how to shuck corn, I want to learn how to pick corn, soy beans, whatever. I want to know the difference between animal corn, regular corn, and sweet corn. I have no idea how to get involved with volunteering on a farm, but believe me I am looking. I wonder if the college has some farm classes. I'd be willing to take them! :D

I am just becoming all around country and it seems to suit me so well. From the country songs to my flip-flop tan, and let's not forget the camouflage pants that I will probably end up purchasing anyways, I am in my element!

Seriously loving my country life here in little ol' Jonesboro, Indiana!

Good Outweighs the Bad

2011-07-12T10:39:00.000-04:00

It's been almost a month since I've been home. I'm still enjoying every single day. No living situation is perfect by any means, mine included. In my time here, I've definitely done some growing. I am learning to let a lot of things just "roll off of my back". If you know me, you know I'm generally not one of those type of people. I don't deal with change well and rarely let anything roll off of my back. I hold onto things until I burst out in anger. But the things in my living situation that I'm getting used to are so small and really don't matter too much in the big scheme of things. Like my title says, the good outweighs the bad by a far amount. I won't list those small minor details I'm getting used to, it's not worth it. Instead, I will list the good:

Like how much I just love the scenery I see every single day. The weather has been beautiful. There has been a few humid days (where I was bothered), but overall I'm handling the weather pretty well. It's so green here and I'm just not sure what to do with all my excitement. I love, love, love living in a small city, it's such a drastic change to where I lived in Arizona.

I feel healthier, my skin looks good, my hair looks good. Overall, my health just feels better. I am eating healthier. I may not exercise every day, but I get my butt outside every day to do something. Once a week, I get a good workout in and mow the lawn. I'm pretty sure lawn mowing dancing is a good calorie burner. I love mowing the lawn, seriously. And due to my outside excursions, I'm rocking quite the tan. I rarely wear full shoes and flip flops are my shoes of choice.

I am very thankful for my GPS, but for the most part, I've just tried to figure out how to get places on my own. In Phoenix, every one used to the freeway to get to a different city. Here, people rarely use the one major freeway. Instead they use the county roads. I like to call the country roads, because they are out in the middle of nowhere with nothing but farms. Driving down the road at night, you have to be very aware of your surroundings. It's pitch black, with only your headlights shining. Hitting deer is a common occurrence here and you drive a little slower at night on those roads. Because you never know when one will run across the road.

The greatest thing of all is living with my dad. I can't explain the love I have for him and how it's grown since I've been home. It's funny to see that some of his mannerisms are ones that I've done for most of my life. We are a lot alike. It's weird living with him, (I was raised by my grandparents), but I feel so content at the same time. I feel I am right where I am supposed to be, growing more every day. He's far from perfect. But hey, so am I. It's nice being so near family and my best friend. I can just hop in the car and see them whenever I want. I love that.

I'm still looking for a job. I won't talk about how many jobs I've applied for, but trying to remember to trust God. He will provide in His timing. I am working really hard on remembering that.

Talking Country

2011-06-22T09:24:00.000-04:00

I've officially been home for a week now. It's still very surreal that I'm here. I kinda feel like I am on vacation, but yet, I'm not. I'm official resident of Indiana again.

My heart is in such a state of contentment right now. I am literally falling in love with my roots again. It's been so long that I've been trying to shove those feelings to the "forgotten about" section of my brain. Life is very different here in Indiana than it was in Arizona. Here, everyone is very chill and relaxed. Nobody rushing to do this or that. People actually have manners and genuinely care about you. When they say to have a good day, they are not just saying it because it's the nice thing to do. They are saying it because they actually want you to have a good day. There's so much green around, my heart just wants to scream with joy! The weather here has been beautiful and even on the hottest day (That the Hoosiers think), I have no complaints. I think my body got so used to the nasty heat of AZ that on the muggiest of days, it doesn't bother me at all. I can't tell you how many times I've walked outside with no shoes on. It's nice not to burn the soles of my feet.

Last weekend we went and had a barbecue with some of my cousin's wife's family. I won't lie, the barbecue was in the country. There was chickens running around the yard with the dogs. It was all extremely "country" and probably not what normal people would consider fun. However, I loved every minute of it. Her family was so welcoming and in no time at all, I felt like I had known them for years. I can guarantee that I would have dreaded going to something like that in Arizona and would have hated every minute of being there. But not here, here I felt so at home. Mosquitoes and all, it all felt so great. I noticed a few days ago, I started talking a bit country. It actually stopped me mid conversation. It's not that I'm trying to talk country, it just sort of happened. It's because I'm surrounded by a lot of country folk, I'm taking on the native talk. :)

I live in a small town. It's very small. In fact, it's so small that the post office here just recently closed. Why did it close? Well, because the ONE employee who had been working there for years, the Postmaster General, decided it was time to retire. She retired and the post office closed. That's just the way they roll here in Indiana. We generally have to go to the next town over, Marion, for our shopping. It's not too far, but everything you could possibly need is on this main strip of road. I don't feel too out of sorts, there's a Starbucks there. :D

I still haven't found a job yet, but I'm trusting God will provide. I'm looking and applying every day. Cost of living is so much cheaper here. So, I could take a cut in pay and still survive. I'm not too worried yet about not having a job, God knows the plans for my life and that's all I can think about. I just feel it in my bones that He has got some big stuff in store for me. I had originally planned to live and work near Indianapolis. But I am praying for a job close to my dad's house. I've rather fallen in love with this small town feel and I would be perfectly okay with staying and working in this area.

I shall start my church journey this week. I'm excited about that. I am missing teaching the kiddos already.

Have I mentioned how happy I am here? It's been a long time coming and I'm completely in my element.

Trip Log, Day 1

2011-06-12T00:27:00.001-04:00

Miles traveled: 535
States my feet have touched the ground in: 2, Arizona and New Mexico
Lunch: Subway
Dinner: Lake City Diner
Today was the day, the day I set off on my journey to Indiana. I was thankful no one was around to see me off this morning, it would have taken the tears overboard. As I grabbed my purse this morning, the very last thing to grab in the house, the lump appeared in my throat. I started the car and proceeded to start crying. I couldn't believe I was really doing it, really moving to Indiana after talking about it for so long. It's all still scary and exciting. I'm a mixture of emotions. But I know God is gonna be with me every step of the way.
The drive doesn't seem too bad so far. I was in New Mexico in no time flat. I've learned a few things about myself today: I am obsessed with windmills and crosses on the side of the road. Windmills first, I just love old fashioned wind mills. Granted, no pictures of them today, they were on the opposite side of the road. But they just make me all happy on the inside.
And about the crosses on the side of the road, as morbid as this sounds, I've always wanted to take pictures of everyone I see. I see them as oddly beautiful I haven't taken any for a few reasons: it really is MORBID and I want to respect the family of the person who died. I always find myself wondering how they died. Most of them are probably from auto accidents, but I still wonder the details as to how they died. Sadly, I saw quite a few crosses on the road today. I even saw a few on the mountains, which left me perplexed. Within a mile or so of each other, I noted three crosses on different mountains.
Best picture of the day:

Random picture of the day

I like this whole not having a schedule, no where to be, just taking my time and exploring the sites, free might I add! Tomorrow, I set off for Texas. Not before exploring this place called the Blue Hole. It's supposed to be a hidden gem in this small, quaint town for divers. Although, I have no intention on diving, I heard it's also a great spot for pictures!

Until tomorrow!

Adios, Arizona

2011-05-26T13:09:00.002-04:00

In two weeks, I'll be saying goodbye to Arizona. You've treated me well. I will miss you, but it's time for me to start a new chapter in my life, time to go back to my home grown roots. Although I say I will miss you, I've never really considered you home.
There are many things I will miss and some that I won't.
I will miss...
Your beautiful sunsets.
The diversity of things to do in the state.
Although not a fan of your sports teams, I will miss living in a town that has all the major sports.
Truly authentic Mexican food.
Speaking of food, tamales at Christmas.
The smell of orange blossoms in the spring.
How beautiful the scenery can be.
My random trips up to Superstition Mountains. It's been the mountain I've been to the most.
The snow-capped Four Peaks.
Monsoon season. Arizona can throw down a good thunderstorm. But they are few and far between.
Udder Delights
A few hidden gems I have found here: Tonto National Park and the Lava Caves.
Fiesta Bowl, never attended one, but loved how the city came alive at that time.
Having a Starbucks on every corner...or within a short driving distance.
Zoolights and Las Noches de las Luminaries
Midnight showings of the Twilight movies.
The Grand Canyon
The lights on South Mountain, they were always my sense of direction.
I'm sure eventually I'll start to miss AZ winters with no snow. :)

I'm not going to miss...

The heat!

The wretched smell in Gilbert at night.

The snow birds. Indiana might be enjoyable in the winter, the elderly people will be in AZ!

Black Widows and Scorpions

Southwestern Christmas decorations. Never seemed right seeing lights on cactus.

People expecting me to speak Spanish to them because they don't speak English.

And why we are on that, I'm not going to miss all the illegal immigration stuff in general.

The freeways. They are so bad!

The smog covering the entire valley.

Walmart trips.

My AZ allergies.

When it "spits dirt" instead of rain.

Not being able to walk outside without shoes on in the summer.
How ugly the desert can be.
My yucky, dry skin.

What I'm looking forward to in Indiana...

4 seasons! Winter, Spring, Summer, Fall

Being close enough to Chicago to watch a Yankees and White Sox game.

Attending a Notre Dame game.

Lots and lots of greenery everywhere.

Blue Jays and Cardinals (the birds) in the winter time.

The small town feel, it will take some getting used to, but I am excited for it.

Midwestern meals.

Trips to Chicago, Ohio, northern Indiana.

Family get togethers.

Christmas lights twinkling while covered with snow.

The first sign of spring after winter.

Midwestern homes with actual basements.

Exploring my state, finding the hidden gems. I never really did that before.

Being closer to Tennessee. I so want to go to Graceland! Uh-huh.

Cuddling up with a blanket, a book, and some tea on a blustery, cold day.

Wearing my hoodies more often!
My skin being hydrated because there is humidity in the air.
Taking some pictures at Lake Michigan again.
Lightening bugs, they bring back such memories of my childhood.

There's so much to miss, not to miss, to explore. I'm exicited about this adventure and can't wait to see what God has in store. Indiana is my home...my heart.

Stepping into the Unknown

2011-05-18T13:27:00.000-04:00

In a mere 23 days, I'll be doing just that, stepping into the unknown. Leaving what I know here in Arizona and meeting the unknown somewhere between here and Indiana. I've always been a planner. I know ultimately, that God's plans are very different than mine, but I still like to plan. I like to know what's going on, be prepared for any situation (that I'm aware of). I think it goes along with my type A personality and my OCD.

I'm leaving my job of 10 years and although the government hasn't been too stable recently, it's provided stability to me. I've survived 2 layoffs and now I'm willingly leaving my position and my health insurance. I am leaving without a job and I won't have health insurance for the time being. No paycheck coming on a two week cycle. No source of income at all.

I'm leaving the city I know like the back of my hand. Me and the East Valley are very good friend's and I'm familiar with various driving routes, where my bank is, where to get the good deals in my local grocery store. The city I live in is massive with everything I want within a short drive. Heading to a place in Indiana, I'm not familiar with at all. I can't tell you how many times I've called my dad asking questions about things and how far a certain city is from him. I'm sure I'm driving him crazy. :)

I am leaving my little apartment that I love. The place I come to when I need to escape, my own place. I am leaving my bed behind. I know it's a material thing, but that is my comfort place. I curl up with the blanket and cover my head waiting for my world to get better. During the bad times of depression, laying in it reminds me to breath and that God is in control. Many tears have been shed in that bed over various things. I'll be moving in with my father, which will be odd. I've never lived with him before except when I was a baby. I would see him in the summers, but that was different. Living in a place where privacy will be little to none. I might have to leave the house and go somewhere to escape my world.

I'm leaving my friends. These people who know me best and put up with me when I'm being a total pain and somehow continue to love anyways. Many friendships have been formed and lost, but a few stuck it out with me.A lot of them have provided me with accountability in my Christian walk. I have friends in Indiana, one I'm close to, but she will be far away. Meeting new people is fine, but it's the whole figuring out if I can trust someone new or not. I won't have a strong sense of accountability in my Christian walk right away.

I'm leaving my church that I love, the familiar faces of my three years olds along with their personalities. A church that makes one of their mission goals to speak for children who can't speak for themselves, which is my heart as well. I haven't really explored churches online, so I don't know where I'm going to attend. I know the churches back there will not be like the churches back in AZ.

There's so much I'm leaving.

And it's all pretty...scary.

So scary sometimes, I give myself a panic attack. I am not regretting this decision, nor changing my mind. But I have the right to be scared of the unknown. I think everyone would, it's a BIG change and I'm doing this on my own. I know in my heart, that God wants this for me as well. All of the details are falling into place, piece by piece, clarifying more every day I'm on the right path. I still stress about it sometimes. I think God gets a lot of laughs when it comes to me. I am always stressing, HE ALWAYS PROVIDES. Then I wonder why I stressed in the first place. I'm really excited about it all as well, I'm literally starting a new chapter in my book of life.

But through it all, I know God is bigger than the unknown or as I like to say God is bigger than the boogeyman. :) God will provide and He will take care of me like He always has. I pray I never blink an eye and I don't miss anything He has in store for me on my new journey. I want to take it all in, the sights, the smells, the sounds, the good, the bad, everything.

Random Thoughts

2011-05-04T02:03:00.000-04:00

I feel like I have so much to blog about, but my head is too jumbled to write a decent blog. Oh I have a serious blog to write, but I just don't feel like putting it out on here, just yet. So, instead, I'm going to just amuse you (Well, mostly myself) with pure randomness in my favorite style of writing: BULLET POINTS. :D

Last day of school for the semester is Monday. Wow, I survived this semester! I am hoping to get a B in the class. I just recently slipped to a high C. I want to bring it back up to a B. Math did not defeat me this semester! Hopefully I never have to take a Math class again.
I move in 37 days! HOLY COW! It's coming fast, I'm starting to feel overwhelmed. I hit a road block today, twice, in fact, regarding moving. God will provide, I have to remember that. The date is set for June 11th, hoping it stays that way. I am praying I find a decent job, possibly out of government.
Car accident that occurred in February is still pending, there has been no resolution. One good thing, Chase, my previous lien holder, is showing my car is fully paid off. Woot! Still waiting for my deductible back as well as a refund from my extended warranty. I am hoping at least the refund comes soon. My deductible is not even close to coming.
Since school will be out after Monday, that means I will have a social life again. Hit me up if you want to hang out!
I am secretly hoping for something before I leave AZ. Sadly, I'm pretty sure there is ZERO chance of it happening.
I think I want to volunteer at a women's shelter when I move back to Indiana.
Looks like I'm going to be staying with my dad for the time being when I do move back. It will be weird, I haven't lived with him since I was 2.
Some relationships in my life, I really have to work hard to keep around. The old Brandy liked to walk away from everything, everyone. The new Brandy is really trying to make a change. *Sigh* It's not easy.
I really miss Jersey Shore (the show). But recently decided that I like Mob Wives. I also watched The Voice tonight since everyone is talking about it. Decided I like that one as well!
My mood currently: tired. Not just lacking sleep and the fact that it's late. Just tired...of everything.
Due to having so much homework (online), I haven't been so faithful about my unplugged days. Sunday, I'm starting fresh since I am done with homework.
Francesca (my car) is so in need of a bath.
From a friend's prompting on her blog, I've been diving back into the Word lately. It's been awesome and I'm so glad we are on this journey together.

Okay, I think I am done with my random thoughts and going to bed. Night y'all!

Laying it Down at the Cross

2011-04-21T11:39:00.000-04:00

I recently went to a women’s retreat up in Prescott for 3 days. This women’s retreat is different than most retreats. The best way I can describe it is an intense, intimate weekend with God. I had already attended the retreat as a first timer, so I was back to volunteer on the team. Every time I have gone, I somehow manage to come back loving God even more. My job on this retreat was to give a talk about Christian Leadership to these women. Saturday was the day I was speaking. I woke up very early Saturday morning to see that God had given me a gift. At least I thought it was only for me. I went to bed with it being cold and a chance of snow. However, there was no snow. I woke up at 4:30 on Saturday morning and immediately went to the window in my cabin. My eyes looked upon a glorious site, something I hadn’t seen in 14 years, snow! Okay, I have seen snow since then, but it’s always been on a mountain, or I catch the last remnants of it melting away. There was a lot of snow, it had snowed at least 3 inches while I was sleeping and the snow was coming down pretty hard. I hurried up and got ready so I could go outside. Everything was beautiful, white, fresh and very quiet in the early morning hours. I stood in the snow and just let the flakes fall on me, watched them melt on my hands. I just kept thanking God silently in my heart. I felt so happy and I knew it was going to be a good day. Little did I know exactly how the entire day would go.

I talked about what it meant to be a leader in the Christian world. I also talked about how I didn’t feel very equipped to be a leader because I was so flawed. I have always struggled with being transparent, I’m a very private person and tend to shut people out of my life. I have gotten better, but me standing up there talking about my imperfections was nerve wrecking. But, I knew in order to effectively speak to these women, I had to open up. I talked about how I struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts. I talked about my anger issues. I only touched on a little of my mother and her death and had not intended to add any more to the talk. The night before I was to speak, I knew I had to add a little bit more about my mother. I explained to them that forgiveness was something I really struggled with. Through Christ, I had forgiven my mother for not being there when I was growing up. I broke down in tears as I explained to them how my mother was gone now and that she had lost her life in a domestic violence situation. Barely able to speak through my tears, I also told them that I wasn’t ready to forgive the man who took her life. I knew I needed to, but had chosen to hold on to it for almost 2 years. And there was a part of me that hated him immensely for taking her life and taking her away from me. Although my relationship with her was not perfect and I hadn’t spoke to her in awhile, I still felt he took something away from me.
After my talk, I still felt nauseous. I was unsure why. The upset stomach lasted all day. God was up to something big. That night at dinner we heard a prayer about forgiveness for all the hurts in our life. Me, being the person not wanting to show any more emotion than I had already shown for the day, tried to hold in the tears as I heard the words of the prayer. I was at that moment fighting God about what was going on. I knew what was going on and even at a retreat I choose to fight God. That’s just my nature, I always want to fight. But He always wins, no matter what. I don’t know why I still keep fighting after all this time, but I do.

After dinner we went to the Chapel. I had to run to my room for something and arrived late in the chapel. There in the chapel was a wooden cross laid down on the ground with hammer, nails, and paper. One of the women spoke about leaving your burdens at the cross, giving them up to God. I sat there just thinking about my life and how holding on to hating my mother’s husband was not doing me any good. It seemed like an eternity that I sat there with that blank piece of paper in my hand, just staring at it. I finally worked up the courage to ask for a pen. The lady I asked was in the middle of writing something. I pleaded with her quickly that I needed that pen and I needed it now. Hands shaking, I wrote one word on that paper: BOBBY. My legs felt like they weighed a million pounds as I walked up to that cross. I felt that every eye was on me. Two bangs of the hammer, his name was nailed to that cross.

As I sat back down, I was still feeling like I was going to throw up. Silently pleading with God, I was asking what more did He want? I guess I just expected this immediate response and my burden lifted. But my shoulders still felt so heavy. I was emotionally exhausted and just didn’t know how much I could handle that day. Another person got up and spoke about how those things on the cross are covered by the blood of Christ. I didn’t hear a lot of what they said. I was still silently talking to God, very focused on this conversation I was having. The only part I heard was the person talking about how the healing process is now starting and if people choose to share what they wrote on that paper, they were welcome to, that we were all believers in Christ and we hold each other up. At that moment I knew why I was still nauseous. And of course, I was still fighting God. I know, I’m stubborn. Blame my father’s genes for that. Silently in my head I’m saying, “I’m NOT getting up there and speaking about what I put on that cross.” I just felt God saying, “Trust Me. Trust Me.”

I don’t know how long I sat there, but I was one of the last people to get up. Again, my legs felt so heavy and I felt that all eyes were on me. My words went something like this: Just a few hours ago, I said I wasn’t ready to forgive the man who took my mother’s life. But by holding onto it, it’s not making me a better person and it’s just eating and eating away at me. Through tears, once again, I managed to say his name is Bobby and I put his name on that cross.

After that, the upset stomach went away and my shoulders felt lighter. I am on the road to healing and it feels…just awesome.

Bobby Martin, I forgive you for taking my mother’s life.

“When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.”

~Catherine Ponder

Where it All Started

2011-04-05T13:23:00.001-04:00

I didn't grow up as a believer in Christ. Back in 2001, me and a guy I was dating went up to Show Low to visit his father for the weekend. He explained that we would be going to church up there. This little church where there were maybe 60 people and they still sung from hymn books is where I started feeling God tugging on my heart.

When I came back home, I knew I needed to explore this feeling I was getting and found a church. I found a mega church. And although I have attended a few smaller churches here and there in my spiritual walk, I tend to go for the mega churches. I am not here to complain about big churches, it's the only thing I really know to be honest. But there's something with a small church, something genuine.

This past weekend, I went to Tucson to see a dear friend. It was such a great weekend with her and her family. Her brother preaches at a church in Tucson. The plan for Sunday was we were going to attend service and then Sunday School. The church is small, maybe 50 people will show up. And that is on a good day. The Sunday I was there, there might have been half that amount.

My friend and her husband sung the worship songs, there was no loud music, no band, no flashing lights. It was just her, her husband, two mics, background music, and words on a screen. I only knew one of the songs, but it didn't matter. In that small worship service, I felt God's presence there. The kids attended worship with us and then was dismissed before the sermon started. That was so weird to me. Coming from a mega church, it was just different how they do things.

The sermon was good. The pastor didn't try to "fluff" his sermon, he talked about scripture. Then at the end he did something I wasn't used to. He talked about praises and prayer requests from the people in their congregation. I have never heard that. Yes, a pastor may say a few here and there, but this pastor actually spent time on them. When he was finished, he asked if there was anything else that needed prayer or that we could praise about. *Gasp* And someone from the pew spoke up. *Double gasp* That doesn't happen where I come from. And it was just such a breath of fresh air to hear all of these praises and prayers.

The church is doing a Project 100. There are a few banners around the church. I asked a lady sitting in front of me what that meant. She explained that they were wanting 100 bodies sitting in those pews on Easter Sunday. I was very moved by that. Here I am, coming from a mega church with over 5,000 in attendance. And although I love Easter, I know my church will be completely packed, standing room only on that day. This precious church in Tucson was just asking for 100 people to attend their Easter service. It really put things in perspective in a good way for me. I pray God honors their prayers and that church is packed on Easter Sunday and the Sundays after that.

After church, most of the people left, then the rest of us stayed for Sunday School. I have to admit, I didn't know what to expect in Sunday school. I mean, I teach Sunday School to the kiddos, but I had absolutely no idea what to expect in adult Sunday School. Surely, there would none of me acting goofy while dancing with the kids, or no lesson that was geared towards Preschoolers and certainly no Goldfish. :) It was the first time ever that I had attended Sunday School. The pastor talked about studying God's word and how we become stronger when we continue to keep God's word close to our heart. He threw out numerous passages of scripture and had us read them. It.Was.Awesome. I loved every minute of the church, Sunday School included.

I have nothing against my church. I love my church. All churches, big and small, are not perfect. But I think when I head out to Indiana, I want to explore a smaller church. I want to experience life in a non- mega church. Although this church I attended was small, they got it. They got God. And that is really all that matters.

Our satisfaction should not just come from the "number of heads in the house" but from the number of hearts at the foot of the cross. ~Gene Williams

Table for One, Please

2011-03-16T13:07:00.002-04:00

I was having a conversation with the head security guard at work about marriage. Him and his wife have been married for over 40 years. They are such awesome people and they have supported me on a few of my mission trips. He asked me when he was going to get a wedding invite. I jokingly told him I had to find someone to marry first. He asked me a simple question, "Are you happy with your life right now?" I had no hesitation as I told him yes. I am happy right now being single. I am right where God wants me. We started talking about it happening when God wants it to happen. I do agree with that, however, I also think that maybe that's not in my future. Maybe I will be like Paul in the Bible and be single the rest of my life. People hate when they say that, but it could be true. Paul is one of my favorite people in the Bible and God's plan was for him to be single to ultimately fulfill what God had in store for him. I am okay being like Paul, he was after all, one of Jesus' biggest fans.

I do want to get married and I want to have children, but I am also very content where I am right now. And where I am is standing in God's presence serving Him with everything I have. I am not focused on any man, except for the one who should have all of my attention. He's really the only man who I need to love fully and completely right now. I know I can fully serve God being single, but I also know I can serve Him just as much if I were married. And as far as children are concerned, I am not opposed to adopting children either locally or internationally. I have plenty of love to give to a child, even if I didn't give birth to them. See, one of my yearnings solved! :)

So, I don't know what is in God's plans for me as far as that is concerned. The thought of marriage and having children appeal to me, but honestly I have not found one man who not only believes in God, but also follows Him, intentionally following Him by spreading His love to other people (at least not one who is single anyways). And that is important to me regarding finding the one. I want someone who is a leader of Christ above all and I won't budge on that one aspect. I want someone who is going to "show me up" by making me grow in my faith by challenging me, one who holds me accountable, one who believes we are solely here to tell other people about God's grace, mercy, and love. I won't compromise on my morals or values for anyone. I've sadly done it in the past, and it's not worth it.

Maybe that is why I am still single because I set such a high standard for men. Well, can you blame me? Righteous, Godly men rarely seem to exist any more. The only one I have found who won't let me down or break my heart is God.

And so here I am, a single 34 year old woman. Most of my friends are in relationships that are leading to marriage or are already married. And it hurts sometimes being single, but I know I am in right place in my life with God. I know that if it's in His plan, it will happen. I also know God's plans for me may include me never getting married. All I know is His plans for me are big (I can feel it in my bones) and He will continue to rock my world. I don't think I could love God more than I do now, but He will "show me up" and challenge me like He always does!

Will it Ever End?

2011-03-08T11:03:00.000-05:00

I feel like my school journey will never end and I also feel like I have been doing it FOREVER! I am so close to applying for the nursing program, yet so far away. After this semester, I could apply for the program here in AZ, but there is a wait list of at least two years currently. Although, I have registered for classes here in the fall, just in case I'm still here, do I go ahead and apply for the program as well? I really don't want to, but I might be screwing myself by not applying. I have contacted a university in Indiana about their requirements for their nursing program, but have yet to hear anything back after 2 attempts. In order to apply for the program here, I have to shell out $75 for my fingerprint card. *Sigh* If I do that and then go, I will have wasted that money because my fingerprint card will not be valid in Indiana. But if I don't get the card, I can't apply for the program here in AZ. So many decisions! I am just going to wait it out through the summer to see what happens before applying. I know the sooner I apply, the better, but my future is up in the air right now.

Although I am actually getting a B (*Gasp*) in my Math class, I cannot wait for it to end. My brain is usually mush after class four nights a week and I generally spend my entire weekend doing Math homework. Sometimes I get so tired of doing this whole school thing because I am in my 30's and most of my classmates are all these young people who have mommy and daddy to pay for everything. They don't take school seriously, barely slide by with a passing grade, and they all have the attitude of knowing their parents will pay for everything. Then there's the older crowd of us, the ones who work full time, struggle to pay our bills and school because we are on our own, who study our butts off for for a grade, who really want a degree in something worthwhile and will sacrifice so much to get that degree. And as unmotivated as I get, and as much as I hate school sometimes, I continue to persevere taking one or two classes a semester until I get my nursing degree. I hate the fact that I have student loans, but the end result for me is to do something good with my degree. The only thing that keeps me going is the fact that I desperately want to be in the mission field as a nurse. Maybe working in that AIDS clinic in South Africa or maybe working in a Dengue Fever clinic in Honduras. I have no idea where God wants me, I just know I am being called to the medical field, working with the impoverished countries. It has been something on my heart for a long time.

And so I continue. Continue to spend an obscene amount of time studying and doing homework. Continue to search the web as well as book stores for resources that will help this old 34 year old brain of mine to comprehend everything and to keep up with these young kids. Continue to pursue that degree in nursing that I have been doing for at least 5 years now. There's a part of me that regrets not going to college right after high school, but I know everything happened for a reason. I had life experiences (good and bad) that I wouldn't have had if I had gone to college. So, I think the only reason I regret not going right away is being older and struggling with school. But in another aspect, me being older has given me the discipline to buckle down and do things like homework on a Saturday night when I really want to be hanging out with some girlfriends. Or taking all of last spring break to study for my nursing entrance exam. It's all about determining what exactly are your priorities. Right now, my priority is passing this Math class and getting one step closer to applying for the nursing program.

"Education is the process in which we discover that learning adds quality to our lives. Learning must be experienced." ~William Glasser

Trusting God Through It All

2011-02-24T09:48:00.004-05:00

I've always been someone who struggles with trust. I generally don't trust a lot of people and keep a handful of "close" friends. I have gotten better at opening up to people as I have gotten older, but I still tend to put up a barrier of sorts to keep myself and my heart protected.

I even try to put this barrier up with God sometimes. Trusting God is something I have always struggled with as well. I've just been raised to be so independent, me relying on God, fully relying on Him, is sometimes difficult. But no matter how much I put a wall up with God, it doesn't hide anything. God knows me better than anyone, He knows the deepest depths of my soul. He knows my wants, my desires. He knows my deep, dark secrets. He knows my weaknesses. He knows my joys, my pains. And most of all, He knows I struggle with trusting Him.

But every year, as I have gotten older, I've put my trust in Him more. South Africa has changed me in a lot of ways. No, let me re-phrase that, God has changed me in many ways by letting me go on that trip. One of the things that has changed is my trust. My trust in God has deepened. Gosh, after 9 years of walking with God, you'd think I would have this "down" by now. But constantly, God puts new situations in front of me that enhances my faith, my trust, my love. Everything is enhanced for God. More and more every day, I realize God provides no matter what.

I had wrote a previous blog about wanting to move back to Indiana to be near my family. This is so heavy on my heart, that at times, it just aches to be back to my family and roots. I felt like God knew how much my heart ached for this and He would honor my prayers. Because I do desperately want this one thing.

But it's not about me, is it? It's about God and it's about what God wants for me. Once again, I will learn to trust Him with my future. About a month ago, an opportunity arose for me to promote at my job. I didn't even think about applying for this job, because I have it on my heart to move to Indiana. I had three separate people tell me I should apply for this job. I knew this job was out of my league. It would be two positions higher than the one I am currently in. But people telling me I would be good in this position got my wheels turning and I began to think, "Just maybe."

But is this what God wanted? After consulting with family and friends, I was told I would be crazy not to apply. I began to hurt in my heart because I was struggling with what I wanted, which was going back to Indiana. But this job opening was placed before me and after praying for it for a few days, I felt God telling me to apply, to trust Him. I began to change my perspective after I applied. Every day I would talk to God and tell Him that I trusted Him, no matter what the decision. And if I got this job here, then my work in Arizona wasn't finished yet. But my heart still yearned for Indiana.

I jumped through all the hurdles placed before me, my resume was pulled from our database system, I took a supervisor test that is given by my job and passed. Before I knew it, I was being called for an interview. There I stood last week outside the meeting room waiting for the interview. I always have anxiety about interviewing, talking in front of people etc. My stomach is in knots to the point where I think I might throw up and my hands are always ice cold. My nerves get the best of me. But I didn't have any of those things, I felt very oddly calm and so at peace. I knew God was there through it all.

I continued to pray to God that I trusted Him, numerous times through tears because I was still struggling with my wants. I will trust you, Lord, even if it means You want me here in Arizona. Over and over again. Yesterday, I got the message to call the person in charge of the hiring. Okay, here we go! As I started dialing her number on my cellphone, I was overwhelmed with nervousness and began to cry a little. I just kept saying out loud, "I trust You. I trust You. I trust You." Hands shaking and all, I managed to dial her number. She began to tell me how well I did in the interview, but that she had decided to hire someone else. I didn't really hear anything after that. The phone call ended quickly and I began to cry again. These were tears of happiness and through my tears I just kept saying, "Thank you, Lord. Thank you, Lord."

It appears that the path I want for myself is something in God's plan as well, we are walking down this road together. He steps, I step. Continuously until we arrive at a new place. No matter what happens or what obstacles are placed before me, I will trust God through it all.

Indiana, watch out! I'm coming home!

"You have trusted Him in a few things, and He has not failed you. Trust Him now for everything, and see if He does not do for you exceeding abundantly above all that you could ever have asked or thought, not according to your power or capacity, but according to His own mighty power, that will work in you all the good pleasure of His most blessed will. You find no difficulty in trusting the Lord with the management of the universe and all the outward creation, and can your case be any more complex or difficult than these, that you need to be anxious or troubled about His management of it?"

Hannah Whitall Smith

Hannah Whitall Smith

The Unplugged Version

2011-01-25T10:16:00.000-05:00

In my previous post I wrote about going unplugged starting last Sunday. Turning off all electronics. It was just something that was put on my heart to start doing. The goal was to spend more quiet time with God. I had the plan of going to a park with my Bible, my journal, a devotional book, and another book I was reading. I wanted to just hang out at the park alone for the afternoon. Unfortunately, that didn't happen.

My morning was quiet, I read my newspaper in silence and drank my coffee. For some reason that coffee tasted especially good that morning. I did read my Bible, but still hoped I would be able to continue later. I choose to drive to church in silence as well, no radio. Even though I was listening to a Christian station. I used that time to quiet my heart and sort out some thoughts in my head. I always get to church early and usually sit and play on my phone till church starts. But on Sunday, I brought along a book I was reading to enjoy. I would like to say I had a quiet time at church. Although the sermon was really good. My three year olds were all out to drive me crazy on Sunday. I swear it was a full moon. None of them listened, they were all causing trouble and being so demanding by saying, "Get me this, or do this." Or instead of saying "Miss Brandy" like they normally do, they were all saying things like, "Hey" or "Teacher". It's like they forgot their manners. In my head, I cursed the parents for raising their children this way. I was immediately convicted by my thought. I shouldn't have thought that, the kids were just having an off day. I was flat out exhausted by the time class was done, it's difficult being the only adult in there (I had 2 youths helping).

I had started deep cleaning my apartment on Saturday and didn't get to finish, so I spent the rest of my afternoon finishing up my apartment. So, no park for me. After that, I had to rewrite some Math notes. By the time I had finished with the notes, it was 9:15 pm. I had gone the entire day with no Internet, no Facebook, no Twitter, no TV, and no phone...until I turned my phone on to set my alarm. I don't have a clock in my room, I use my phone. I sent a quick text saying hi to a friend. I know I shouldn't have. But I did. And was immediately convicted by it. I went to bed annoyed and woke up Monday feeling like a failure for a few reasons. I didn't do what I wanted to do on Sunday, instead I cleaned my apartment. And I failed at the last minute by sending a text message.

And so, Sunday shall be a new day of silence. I still want to go to a park and I have a handy, dandy, new camera that needs to be broken in. Maybe I shall go to the lake and do my stuff there while taking pictures. Although I failed at the last minute, the various times of silence I had throughout my day, gave me time to think about my faith, relationships, and some other things going on in my life. Overall it was a good day. Looking forward to the next one!

Enjoying the quiet

2011-01-19T09:11:00.000-05:00

I have a friend whose family decided to go "unplugged" on Sundays. That means no TV, no phone, no Internet, no Mp3 players, nothing. It has been put upon my heart to do this as well, so I will start this Sunday. I can go without my phone, the TV, and the Internet. I did it for almost 2 weeks in South Africa. But here in the states, my phone is with me everywhere I go and since I have a smart phone, I can do anything I want right on that little device.

But we, as Americans have become too addicted to our technology, myself included. I do have quiet time every day where I shut my phone off to read and pray, but is it enough? I could be doing so much more. And now since I've started school and back to doing homework online, I am sure the Sunday break will be more than welcomed.

I have no idea how I'm going to spend my Sundays, I know part of the day will be at church. But when I get home, the schedule is wide open. I will have to be diligent about not turning on the TV first thing Sunday morning. That is usually when I watch Tom & Jerry cartoons. :) And I hope to have any homework I have done, I definitely don't want to be stuck online all day Sunday doing Math, so I will have to work hard to get it all done. But I know I can do this, I know I can always use some more one on one time with God. I'm excited for Sunday to get here, excited to escape the world for the day.

"It is appallingly obvious our technology has exceeded our humanity." ~Albert Einstein

Avon

2011-01-16T20:24:00.001-05:00

Need Avon? Come on, you know you do. You can order from my website and have everything directly shipped to you with only $3.00 shipping.

www.youravon.com/bbaker0171

:D

Home is Where the Heart Is

2011-01-03T21:41:00.000-05:00

You know that saying "Home is where the heart is?" That is something that has been on my heart for a good six months or so now. The part I struggle with is the "home" part. It has taken me a long time to get a "home" feeling here in AZ. And that's only happened in the past few years because of Kristine and her family taking me in.

What does home mean exactly? I'm not talking about the building structure, I'm talking about the feeling of home. Home is where you are most comfortable. Home is where you can be yourself. Home is where everyone loves you, no matter your faults. Home is what you long for when your world is falling apart. People, sounds, scents, food, etc., all remind us of home. Home can also be somewhere your roots have started, for me that place is Indiana. I've always referred to Indiana as my home, even though I've been away from there for 13 years now. My roots never fully got planted here and for the longest time I've wanted to leave Arizona. But my home is here, here with my new found family. It's a struggle I am having.

Something that I've learned as I got older is the importance of family. After my grandma died, a lot of my family went their separate ways, and we all lost that unity that most families have. I've spent the past 10 years searching for that feeling of home and that feeling of family again here in AZ. I caused a lot of issues with pushing people away from me, not allowing them to love me. A lot of my searching was my fault, I was like a little butterfly, fluttering from one family to another, hoping to find acceptance and love that I once felt. I got my heart broke and my expectations trashed too many times to count. Then the Yee family came along and I tried to fight them and push them away as well. All I was doing was causing myself more misery. I finally stopped being such a pain and let my walls break down. They showed me what it was to be family, even if they weren't blood. But somewhere along the way, my heart began to change for my own family.

I began to see how much I desperately wanted to be near my family in Indiana. Going back in July just made that more clear. I felt a yearning that was very unfamiliar, a feeling to be near my dad. For most of my life, he has lived in Florida. Now he's back in Indiana and I can't explain the need to just be near him. Maybe it's because he's the only parent I have left, or maybe it's because of his health. But maybe, just maybe it's to have the relationship with him I've never really had.

With that being said, I'm planning on moving back to Indiana in the summer if I can find a job. I am content with that decision and I feel like God knows how much my heart needs this. As I write this blog, I'm in tears. I'm not very good with change and the thought of leaving my "comfort" zone scares the crap out of me. I am okay with moving back to Indiana, just scared about the before stuff. I'm scared of losing the strong non-blood family I just barely let into my life. But I know God will strengthen the bonds of friendship and love with Kristine and her family. I will ever be eternally grateful to God for bringing them into my life. And He will also strengthen the bonds of love within my family.

Family is important, they don't always have to be blood related to be a family. It's where ever you feel at home. I know Indiana is where I belong, the feelings of home in all senses are there and they are strong. But I have them in Arizona as well. A person can have two homes, right?

"Where we love is home, home that our feet may leave, but not our hearts."

~Oliver Wendell Holmes

Goodbye 2010, Hello 2011!

2010-12-27T11:18:00.000-05:00

Every year, I post my goodbye post to the previous year and a welcome to the new year to come. I actually kept track of things that happened in 2010. So it's broken down in months. Of course, not everything that happened is listed, just the things that stuck out to me.
January:

Haiti had a massive earthquake that devastated most of the country. The earthquake was felt in the Dominican Republic. My heart broke when I heard the news due to me being in the Dominican before on a mission trip. We briefly went into Haiti to minister to people.
I also started Chemistry and Math at school. I was stupid to think I could handle both classes at the same time. It would be the worst semester of my life, ever.
I found a church that I felt alive again in. A church who had one of their main focus of missions is to speak for children who can't speak for themselves. God started working on my heart for South Africa.

February:

I celebrated my 33rd birthday by going to a pretty bad bought of depression. It took a friend to smack the truth into to me to snap out of it.
After Haiti, Chile then had a massive earthquake that broke my heart even more. I know a lot of people in Chile and I was hysterical. I just wanted to get on a plane and do something, anything. I wish it were so easy.
Captain Phil from the Deadliest Catch passed away.
I learned a hard lesson about opening the door to my past again and decided to shut the door for good. Not only did I shut it, I nailed it shut, bolted it shut. My past is still managing to creep through.

March:

I took the HESI nursing test and passed with flying colors. I was so worried about that test and studied very hard for it. I felt so accomplished!
I decided to go on a walk for an organization called Helping Hands in Africa. God had already started preparing me for South Africa, but I fought it and wasn't going to go. He kept putting more things or people in my path that had something to do with South Africa or Helping Hands. After a lot of fighting with Him and many tears about not wanting anything to do with South Africa, I realized I just wanted to work with kids, no matter where I was. I put my deposit down to go on the trip of a lifetime.
I moved into my very own apartment after many years of living with people. I love the freedom I have. I love my apartment and the fact that it stays clean. I feel like a grown up now. :)
One of my favorite stars from when I was a kid passed: Corey Haim.

April:

We had our second round of layoffs at my job. It was one of the scariest days of my life. I was trying to trust God, but I was finding it difficult. I was very humbled at the end of the day when I still had my job.
Arizona's history changed when SB1070 started being talked about.
I was struggling beyond comprehension with Chemistry and Math and two weeks left in my classes, I was failing both. I made the decision to sacrifice one to save the other and dropped Math right before my final. My professor was very forgiving and knew I had struggled the entire semester. I managed to pull my Chemistry grade up to a high C in 2 weeks.
I spent Easter in California and experienced my very first earthquake. It wasn't very bad because we weren't the epicenter. But I felt it and it scared me silly!

May:

I passed Chemistry! Yay.
May brought the deaths of some major stars: Gary Coleman, Dennis Hopper.

June:

More deaths: Bill, a local radio celebrity here in Phoenix, Rue McClanahan
I met my teammates that would be joining me in South Africa.
I went to my very first Yankees game.
An old worship pastor of mine took his life and rocked everyone hard to the core. Shortly after that, a relationship would deepen with a friend who was struggling with the same thing. God had me and other people surround him with love and understanding to help save his life.
Eclipse came out, definitely the best of the movies so far.

July:

My paychecks became lesser and lesser. We had pay cuts start in July as well as furlough days. It's been difficult, but I've survived by the grace of God.
I went home to Indiana for the first time in 5 years to visit my family and attend my 15 year high school reunion. I decided two things: I was understanding what family was about and what "home" was about and I was missing both desperately. And I also decided that the reunion wasn't all that great and I would never attend another one again.

August:

This month brought 10 years since my grandma had passed. I can't believe it's been that long. I still miss her every day.
No school for me, I decided to take the semester off to go to South Africa.

September:

Our governor completely embarrassed herself as well as the state of Arizona in her debate. Oy vei!
I found out that a dog I've pet sat for a long time had passed away due to cancer.
My mother's one year anniversary of her passing. Domestic violence is something I strongly support now due to her death.

October:

I took the trip of a lifetime and hopped on a very long flight to minister to people in South Africa. I encountered the AIDS epidemic first hand and was incredibly saddened by it and incredibly blessed by it at the same time. I'll never be able to fully explain that. If you were on the trip with me, they would all say the same thing. My world view was completely changed.
I crossed one thing off of my Bucket List and went on a safari while I was in South Africa.

November:

My dad went into the hospital with heart problems. It made me realize how much I needed to be near him.
I celebrated my 8th birthday of giving my life over to Christ.

December:

First time ever, I actually cared about World AIDS Day.
This could be my last Christmas in AZ. I am hoping it is.
God re-opened a door that I thought had closed. I am excited and nervous about it at the same time.

The entire year brought many blessings. Many moments of being humbled to tears. I lost relationships, I gained relationships. I deepened some, I pushed some away. Many doors were opened, many were closed. God was with me through it all and I'm ever so thankful for that.
Goodbye 2010, hello 2011! I'm excited about the opportunities that are ahead!

Merry CHRISTmas

2010-12-23T10:42:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas, everyone! Remember Christmas, as lovely as it may be with all the decorations, songs, presents, and Santa Claus, is not about those things at all. It's about celebrating the birth of Jesus. This past Sunday in my preschool class, we sung Happy Birthday to Jesus (a little early) and we will sing it again tomorrow when I give the Christmas lesson. I think it's a great tradition to start with kids. I can't wait till I can instill those values in my own children. Every year, I post this scripture to celebrate Jesus' birthday.
Merry CHRISTmas everyone!

Luke 2

The Birth of Jesus

^1-5About that time Caesar Augustus ordered a census to be taken throughout the Empire. This was the first census when Quirinius was governor of Syria. Everyone had to travel to his own ancestral hometown to be accounted for. So Joseph went from the Galilean town of Nazareth up to Bethlehem in Judah, David's town, for the census. As a descendant of David, he had to go there. He went with Mary, his fiancée, who was pregnant.
^6-7While they were there, the time came for her to give birth. She gave birth to a son, her firstborn. She wrapped him in a blanket and laid him in a manger, because there was no room in the hostel.

An Event for Everyone

^8-12There were sheepherders camping in the neighborhood. They had set night watches over their sheep. Suddenly, God's angel stood among them and God's glory blazed around them. They were terrified. The angel said, "Don't be afraid. I'm here to announce a great and joyful event that is meant for everybody, worldwide: A Savior has just been born in David's town, a Savior who is Messiah and Master. This is what you're to look for: a baby wrapped in a blanket and lying in a manger."
^13-14At once the angel was joined by a huge angelic choir singing God's praises:

Glory to God in the heavenly heights,
Peace to all men and women on earth who please him.
^15-18As the angel choir withdrew into heaven, the sheepherders talked it over. "Let's get over to Bethlehem as fast as we can and see for ourselves what God has revealed to us." They left, running, and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby lying in the manger. Seeing was believing. They told everyone they met what the angels had said about this child. All who heard the sheepherders were impressed.
^19-20Mary kept all these things to herself, holding them dear, deep within herself. The sheepherders returned and let loose, glorifying and praising God for everything they had heard and seen. It turned out exactly the way they'd been told!

World AIDS Day

2010-12-14T21:33:00.003-05:00

December 1st was World AIDS Day. I do realize it's two weeks later and I'm finally sitting down to write this. This has become a difficult subject for me as of recently. I never cared about December 1st before. To me, it was just another day on the calendar.
But this year, my heart was changed. I knew before we stepped foot on the plane, we would be encountering AIDS patients, we would see the first hand the devastation that is killing South Africa. The flight from Atlanta to Johannesburg was full. There wasn't an empty seat on the plane. A few minutes after our flight took off, I started talking to the lady sitting next to me. I noticed she had an accent, I asked her if she was from South Africa. She stated she was from Nambia, but she had to take a plane to Johannesburg and then catch a smaller commute plane for her final destination. She explained that she currently lived in Canada and was coming home for a funeral. Her nephew had been killed in some sort of accident. She told me she had bought a one way ticket for the time due to her other nephew. See, she was coming home to bury her nephew that was killed and to grieve with her family, but she was also coming on a one way ticket because her other nephew was dying of AIDS. Her family didn't think he would be living very much longer.
I sat there speechless, trying to hold back the tears. It was at the moment I began to grasp what I was really stepping into when I got off that plane. I had never met anyone who had been affected by AIDS. That woman will always have a place etched in my brain. Her name was Rosalie. I can still hear her Nambian accent and see her beautiful cheekbones.
A few days after arriving in Johannesburg, we began to visit AIDS patients, the AIDS clinic, and the cemetary. We were given an AIDS presentation that Helping Hands gives to the high schools. It was the most educational presentation I think I've ever heard. I could read a million articles about AIDS, how it's acquired, what it does to the body and still never fully grasp the entire concept. But this presentation made it all so clear.
My team broke up into two smaller teams to visit the AIDS patients. We briefly talked with them and then took their hand or layed or hand on their shoulder or leg and prayed for these people. We prayed that they would understand how much God loves them, no matter what. Some didn't appear to be sick at all, but some were so sick they could barely move from their makeshift bed on the floor. Some of the people were so young, younger than me. AIDS has mostly devastated people between the ages of 25-47, so I shouldn't have been surprised how young some people were, but I was shocked. Here I stood, a 33 year old woman, staring into the face of a man who probably wasn't any more than 25. I've still got years of life in me, but he was at the tail end of his life. It really puts things in perspective.
The AIDS clinic was too small, completely overflowing with people, mostly women with children. The nurses were understaffed and overworked. This one small clinic services an entire community of patients. I completely commend the nurses, they were doing the best they could with the resources they had. One of the nurses told my teammate (she is a nurse also) that we didn't want this life. All I could think about was working there, an extra set of hands to help in some way.
The cemetary brought it all home to me. A grave was being dug as we arrived. Another person had lost their life to this horrible disease. Just like the clinic, it was overflowing. Overflowing with graves and graves of people who had lost their lives. Some of them may have died of natural causes, but most of them were AIDS related. We were mesmerized by reading all of the name plaques. The rows just seem to go on and on.
So, this year and from every year on, December 1st has a new meaning to me. I won't just think about AIDS or how I can make a difference on this day, but I'll think about it every day as I look at the rock I took from the cemetary it's sitting in my living room.
One thing I know for sure and it was deepened while I was in South Africa, Gods love is so much bigger than AIDS and His love will conquer all.

Christmas here, there, everywhere

2010-12-12T11:03:00.000-05:00

I absolutely LOVE this time of year. The day after Thanksgiving is when I get into "Go" mode. I love all things Christmas. I love the songs, I love the smells, I love the lights, I love the presents all beautifully wrapped, I loved the Christmas cards, I love the decorations, I love anything and everything peppermint flavored, I love the red cups from Starbucks, I just love everything about this time of year.

It really is the most wonderful time of year. This year is the first year ever in my entire life that I am living alone at Christmas. I've always lived with family or roommates. So needless to say, I was giddy as a school kid a few weeks ago when it came time to decorate. I could hardly contain myself as I opened up my storage big and took a big whiff of the peppermint satchels and cinnamon pine cones. I got the Christmas music going, brewed myself a pot of coffee (So I can use some Peppermint Mocha creamer, of course.)

Christmas is also about traditions. After my grandma passed, a lot of our family traditions got lost over the years. So, I started making my own traditions. Every year I purchase an ornament (or two) to add to my tree. For the longest time, I've also made goodies for my neighbors. Even if I don't know them, they will get goodies. It feels good delivering things to them. Last year, I got the notion to buy pajamas to wear on Christmas Eve and this year I've decided to carry that tradition on. There are many traditions I would like to incorporate, but it will probably need to wait till I have a family of my own.

Most importantly, Christmas is about celebrating Jesus' birth. Since becoming a Christian, I've fallen in love more and more with Christmas every year because of my faith. I love sitting in church listening to the people sing Silent Night. It brings a tear to eyes every time. I love getting up early in the morning to read the real Christmas story in Luke. Christmas is always a reflective time of how far I've come this year and how God brought me through it all.

Here are some pictures showing Christmas en mi casa, starting off with my grandmother's nativity scene. My aunt has has this for about 10 years now and I just got it back from her. This nativity brings back so many memories of my childhood. It has now become my most treasured possession.

I have a small obsession with Snowmen. :)

My grandma loved this crazy moose. Every Christmas she played it over and over again.

This is my favorite ornament.

South Africa will never leave my heart.

My stocking from when I was little. :)

Blogging

2010-11-30T09:17:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure what has happened over the past few years, but I've lost my sense of blogging. Man, I used to blog all the time, about everything. And lately, I just haven't felt like writing. I feel as though there is so much going in this head of mine, I'm not sure where to start. I suppose for 2011, blogging more should be one of my resolutions. Writing is good therapy. My private blog has been quiet for awhile, that is a good thing there. No writing in private blog means I am doing good. But it's been quiet on here as well.

Here are the things I could talk about, but can't seem to write a good post from them. Maybe, after listing everything (Hello type A personality!), I will be able to write some blogs.

I could talk about how I'm really struggling with things of "this world" since coming back from South Africa.

Or I could talk about how that trip was the most impactful trip ever and I'm completely emotional about it. The slightest mention of South Africa and I start crying.

I could talk about how much I love Christmas and it's my very first one living alone. Decorating the tree Saturday night had me giddy like a kid. I am a little emotional that is might be my last Christmas here in Arizona. Yet excited about spending next Christmas back in the Midwest.

I could also talk about really wanting to get my nursing degree, but dreading going back to school in January. Part of me hates school any more. And it's a Math class, even worse! Couldn't I just snap my fingers and be done with it?

I could also talk about how I'm planning on moving back to Indiana to be close to my dad. He's the only parent I have left and I need to be near him.

I could talk about a moment last week where I feel I dishonored God, it's still bothering me.

I could talk about another massive layoff at work.

I could talk about the stupid boy who won't leave me alone to let me heal from all the damage he's done to my heart.

I could talk about through thick and thin (in my life and others), you will truely find out who your true friends are and what is valued most.

I could talk about my birthday in a few months and what thing I'll be crossing off of my bucket list (hopefully).

I could talk about wishing I had an inkling of knowledge of God's plan for me.

I could talk about how my heart still burns for missions and I still want to be a long term missionary.

I could talk about the Notre Dame/USC game and that beautiful interception at the last minute.

I could talk about how much I love my church.

I could talk about how I'm actually missing the seasons change right now, including the snow.

I could also talk about how much I love my God and how much he loves me.

Hmmm...plenty of things to talk about, yet the words won't come out. I am going to dillgently try to write a blog tonight. I just gotta get it out of my head.

Thank you

2010-11-10T11:03:00.000-05:00

**Every year about Thanksgiving, I post this post. Sometimes I edit it and sometimes I just leave it the way it is. It's a reminder of where I've been and how far I've come.**

God,

Thank you for everything you have done for me. Thank you for loving me even when I screw up. Your love is like nothing I have ever felt.

I don't say thank you enough for sending Jesus to die for my sins and I'm sorry for that. I forget about the cross on my neck sometimes, forget why I wear it. God, thank you for never letting me walk away from you 100%, you always manage to pull me back when I get too far away from you. Thank you for stopping me, being my conscience when my "old self" comes out. You stop me from going backwards; force me to own up to my actions, no matter how bad it is.

Thank you for saving me and caring about me. No one has ever cared for me like you do. Why do you do it? There have been many times when I dishonored you. Your love is unconditional.

Thank you for assuring me that I'm gonna be alright when I don't seem to think so. Thank you for showing light in my sometimes dark world. I haven't had any dark days in awhile, thank you for that. Thank you for always welcoming me back to your arms when I stray off your path. I don't deserve this kind of love from you. Your love is so amazing, your grace and mercy is beyond my comprehension. Thank you for always having time for me, when my schedule is so busy, I have no time for you.

Thank you for showing me that through pay cuts and furloughs, You would still provide for my needs. I may not have extra spending $, but all of my bills are paid and my house has food in it. It has been an adjustment, but You were there through it all making me have faith in You.

Thank you for sometimes "slapping me in the face" to make me open my eyes to see what You see. I can be so blind sometimes. Thank you for always keeping my eyes open and for wiring me to put others needs before myself. Thank you for times you've prompted me to feed a homeless person, check in on a friend, or whatever. I've been crazy blessed every time I've listened to You.

Thank you for making the person that I am. You made me this way for a reason. Thank you for showing me that my purpose is to serve you above everything. That right there is an honor, the highest to speak of.

Thank you for the fact that I can hear the sounds around me, like the sound of a child laughing, of the waves crashing against the shore. The sounds of people singing only for You in many languages. The sound of people crying out to you in adoration.

Thank you for my sight, through my eyes, I have seen your beauty in people as well as in nature, the world's pain, the smile of a loved one. I've seen You. I see you always.

Thank you for my sense of smell, I have smelled fresh green grass and the ocean air. I love to smell a baby's head, a puppy's breath, and orange blossoms. The smell of my grandmother's perfume on someone brings back so many memories. I have smelled the pages of an old Bible and loved it. They all remind me of you, God, somehow.

Thank you for my sense of touch, to me the most important sense I have. With this, I have felt the greatest hug from friends, the kiss on my hand from a stranger in need, the softness of a baby's cheek, the comfort of a warm blanket, a little one's hand tightly wrapped around my one finger, felt you in a breeze. I have felt my hands in yours. You're still holding my hands, I feel it more every day.

Thank you for blessing me with such awesome friends that I love dearly and hold very close to my heart. I take them for granted sometimes and forget to thank you for them also. These are the ones who show me you're still around when I can't find you. Thank you for the amazing way they love me, no matter what I do, their love for me never ends.

Thank you for the opportunity to go to South Africa. I can only say the places I have been, the people I have met in my life is all because of You. You opened my eyes to a whole new world while I was there. I saw the most sadness while I was there, but I have never met people who possess Your joy more than the South African people. Thank you for the opportunity to love on all those kids. They've got a piece of my heart. I'll never forget them, never.

I guess I get caught up in life and forget how blessed I am sometimes. I apologize for that. Thank you for opening my eyes to who You are 8 years ago. Wow, it has been a ride, but I wouldn't change a thing.

Thank you for everything, I will be eternally grateful to you for what you have done in my life. And I'll continue to serve you in gratitude until I take my last breath.

God Hates _________ (Fill in blank)

2010-09-30T22:16:00.000-04:00

I've been meaning to sit down and write this blog for a long time. I am just not sure how to do it and do it effectively. Today's post isn't going to focus on your sin or my sin. I don't think I'm going to talk about sin at all. Well, maybe just a little. But that is not the purpose of the writing today.

About a month ago, I was talking to my coworker who is a devout Catholic. She goes to mass 7 days a week. She desperately wants her daughters to go to church, she wants them to understand that no matter what, God loves them. One of her daughters agreed to go to church with on Sunday. And coming from the pulpit the preacher proceeded to start a sermon that was titled "God Hates Gays". His sermon went the complete opposite of where this blog is going and proceeded to bash on the homosexual population. My coworker's daughter is gay. And from that day forward, her daughter vowed to never step foot in another church. Gosh, that just killed my heart when I heard that.

A few weeks after my conversation with my coworker, the news hit about the pastor in Florida that wanted to burn the Qu'ran. That absolutely sent me overboard. Excuse me, Mr. Pastor, you want to do what? Oh right, because burning another religion's holy book is totally something God would do. (Enter sarcastic tone here) I'm glad he decided to change his mind. Although, I believe the news said he had decided to postpone it. I'm pretty sure he got a good talking to from God and is not wanting to admit he was in the wrong.

All the time you hear about God hates this, and God hates that. God hates homosexuals. God hates Nazi. God hates homeless people. God hates prostitutes. God hates drug users. Blah, blah, blah. I can't even begin to wrap my head around all of the things I've heard about God hating people.

Okay, let me put the fact out there that God doesn't hate anyone. No matter who they are, what they've done, God doesn't hate people. He loves them all. He hates the actions that make us sin, but never the people doing the sinning. Do you know that in the Bible Jesus hung out with some the most hated people from back in that time? He freely hung out with prostitutes, tax collectors, and adulters. Anyone that you and I would normally shun, Jesus loved to hang out with these people. These were the people who hadn't yet believed in him and God would change their life by healing them in their way needed, then they would believe that no matter what, God loved them.

When I hear about "Christians" bashing other people, people groups, religion, etc. I cringe. I put the word Christian in quotes because are these people really showing a true example of what a Christian is? Is that how I, as a believer in Christ, want to be portrayed? Most definitely not! I sometimes call them "scary Christians". These can include the people who usually stand on street corners screaming about what God is hating this week. I say they are scary Christians because as a Christian myself, they even scare me with their hooting and hollering.

The point is this, God loves you and he loves me. He also loves every other person in this world, we all have a special place in his heart.

"Most of all, love each other as if your life depended on it. Love makes up for practically anything." 1 Peter 4:8, Msg

"Hatred starts fights, but love pulls a quilt over the bickering." Proverbs 10:12, Msg

Domestic Violence Hits Home

2010-09-10T16:18:00.000-04:00

One year ago today, my mother lost her life in a domestic violence situation. I try not to make a habit of saying she was killed. It makes me cringe to say that. I feel like the word kill is such an ugly word. But the truth of the matter is that this whole situation is just ugly and saying she was killed is nothing but the ugly truth.

For reasons unknown to me, her death is still under investigation. Everyone knows what happened, her husband took her life, and he had been abusing her for so long, we all expected to happen. It hurt still beyond words when the moment came and she was gone. I keep saying I just want closure, I just the investigation to end, justice to be served, and for it to be all over. Kristine says that maybe me not knowing what happened in the last minutes of her life are a form of closure for me. I am not okay with that answer right now, maybe one day I will be.

I’m pretty proud of myself for being able to “keep it” together today. I’ve not shed one tear today. Granted its only 1:00, so the day is still young. Truth is I’m not okay today; I’ve gotten pretty good at keeping a wall up and keeping my emotions in check. I can’t sit here and say that I’ve forgiven myself for walking away from her when I did. Sometimes I hate myself for not being there for her. Could I have saved her? I don’t know. I try not to spend my days dwelling on the woulda, coulda, shoulda, but it still crosses my mind frequently.

I can’t sit here and say I’ve forgiven him either for what he has done, and I truly hate him. Hate is another ugly word, isn’t it? Hate and anger go hand in hand. Not only do I hate him, I am still very angry at him. He killed my mother 5 days before her birthday; he took away her precious life. He took away her watching my nephew grow up, or the chance to see her children get married, or the opportunity to smell another flower, see another sunset, laugh at a joke, everything. He took the opportunity away for her and I to ever have another chance at a relationship. All that we take for granted in our lives, he took that away from her. She told me numerous times that he loved her. He even told me he loved her so much. One phone call with him, I couldn’t take it anymore. I told him if he had any kind of love for my mother, he would not be putting his hands on her. And yet he continued to abuse her till the very end. One day the anger and hate will fade away and I’ll be able to say honestly that I’ve forgive him, but now I can’t. It’s too fresh in my mind.

I changed my picture on Facebook to a purple ribbon. October is Domestic Violence Month and since her anniversary is today, I decided to keep that picture up till November 1st to not only honor my mother, but to spread domestic violence awareness. I am also wearing a purple ribbon today on my shirt at work for my mom. I wanted to do something for her and that is what I came up with. I was giving $ to the Michigan Coalition against Domestic Violence, but had to stop lately due to finances. She can still be remembered, with or without money.

I can’t stress enough that if you are being abused or you know someone being abused to get the proper help. There are so many ways to get help, if you just seek it out. Women who think a man loves them by abusing them, they think that nothing will ever happen to them, and they don’t seek help will probably end up like my mother with her life taken from her all too fast. I don’t want someone else to be a statistic; my mother is hard enough to swallow.

I miss her desperately, just knowing she’s not around gives me an empty feeling.

Updating the Bucket List

2010-09-07T11:27:00.001-04:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about my bucket list. I've actually never done one before, so I decided it was time! It will be interesting to look back at the list and to see what I've done and what has been added. So here we go, in no particular order.

Go to Cape Town, South Africa and see a Great White Shark breach out of the water.
Get in a shark cage with a trained professional to see sharks up close.
Learn to read music so I can accomplish the next bullet point.
Learn to play the violin.
Get married.
Have children.
Adopt a child.
Have one picture that I have taken published in a magazine.
Ride a hot air balloon.
Go to Greece.
Visit all 50 states. So far, I've been to 13 states.
Own a library of all the greatest classic pieces of literature.
Be a pediatric nurse.
Work as a missionary long-term.
Go to a Yankees game in Yankees Stadium.
And although I'm a huge Notre Dame fan, I've actually never been to a game, so I am adding see Notre Dame play live at the University of Notre Dame.
Visit New York City, take in all the museums and broadway shows possible.
Visit Ground Zero.
~~Go on an actual safari~~ Done! 10/2010
Visit all 5 Great Lakes.
Visit the Holy Land and see all of the historical places there.
Learn to be a great cook.
Arrange a walk to raise $ for Domestic Violence Awareness. Been looking for walks, but I haven't found any locally, honestly thinking about asking National Coalition Against Domestic Violence what it would take to start a walk here.
Attend an opera.
Attend a symphony.
Go in a submarine and dive deep into the depths of the ocean. I always thought they were cool.
Go on a cruise.
Take a pottery class. (added 11/10)
Learn to speak Greek. (added 11/10)
Learn Sign language. (added 11/10)

Well, that's all I have for now. Man, I need to get busy crossing this list off!
How about you, what's some of your bucket list items? Or write a blog listing them all as well.

Waitin' & Prayin'

2010-08-06T23:28:00.001-04:00

I've been home about 2 weeks from vacation trying to get back into the swing of life again with work, church, and South Africa. I've been off from Children's for two weeks and I realized yesterday that I miss my three year olds. My vacation was perfect, minus a snag that is better left unsaid. It's been awhile since I've been back to Indiana and it was nice to just take it all in. I enjoyed the scenery and the company. I got to see my cousins and their families as well as my dad and his girlfriend. They've been together for 7 years and I've never met her until vacation. The week flew by and it was just a great week. I really needed it for this heart of mine, especially seeing my dad.

There are numerous things floating around in this head of mine, good & bad, some will be posted here, some will be better on my private blog, and some will stay locked away forever. I can't be as open as I would like on this blog, too many people read this. Sometimes you really don't want to know what's happening with me, it can be quite interesting. Only a few people are let in on the craziness I experience sometimes. :)

I am a planner, one who is organized, one who puts everything on the calendar, does "To Do" lists, etc. I like to have a plan for my life, plotted out just so. Granted, most of the time my plans are not what God has in store for me. But I still plan/ organize to calm an anxiety attack. This is the first time in awhile when people ask me what is the plan and I really don't have one. Did you hear that? I really don't have a plan. I have no idea what is going to happen in my life any time soon. I joke and say my life is in shambles or it's upside down right now, but it's really not. I just don't have any plans. The only thing I can tell you is I'm going to South Africa in October to love on some kids who are orphaned. Right now, I'm kinda winging it. God has put a few things on my heart, but I'm not sure what path to take. I know what I want, but is it what God wants? I am not sure, and so I am just waiting & praying. Every year I get a little wiser and no matter how long I've been a Christian, I never fully give control over to God. It's difficult for me and something I struggle with, but every year I learn to give a little more control over to him. Yeah, I'm a slow learner, but I'm getting it.

Crossing Paths

2010-07-11T01:55:00.000-04:00

Every year, people come into my life. It's not something that happens just in January, where it's POOF, all of a sudden there is all these new people in your life. It's something that happens gradually. Some of these people go, and some of them decide to stay. Some of them are literally just passing through. I've really been pondering the people who have been put in my life this year. It's not a bad pondering, but pondering nonetheless.

One person has been in my life for awhile, but we were never close friends. But through a horrible tragedy, we've become closer friends. It may seem strange, but the tragedy was a blessing in disguise because God was knitting the bonds of friendship, I think much needed for both of us. Another person came into my life through borrowing one of my college textbooks. We have a lot in common and I so enjoy our times together. Both of these new friendships mean a lot to me and both bring so much to the table of life.

Do you ever stop to think why God brings you and other people together? What is his plan for it all? Do you ever look back at the starting of a friendship and think, "Wow, I'm so glad that person stuck around"? I've been doing that a lot lately. I'm thankful for those people and that I took the time, invested in them personally, to find out who they really are and let them find out who I really am.

Opening up to people has been a new concept for me this year. I have very few close friends in my world. These people know everything about me. But, for so long, I would shut everyone out. They never really got to know the real Brandy. I honestly just didn't feel like it was your business to know the inner most workings of this heart of mine. It was making me miserable in the process. But this year, after a depression bout in February, I vowed I would start letting people in my life again and understand that not everyone will ruin my trust. And so, that's what I've been doing, intentionally putting my heart on my sleeve and branching off to new friendships/relationships. It hasn't been as difficult as I thought it would be. I am learning to love people where they are in their life currently and letting them love me as well. My life has become more enriched, more joyful, more purposeful, & more loving.

The two people mentioned aren't the only people that has come into my life this year, but they are the ones who stick out the most. I'm greatly blessed by each of them.

"Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, What! You too? I thought I was the only one!" ~C.S. Lewis

What Am I Here For?

2010-06-30T18:48:00.000-04:00

This is a question that I used to ask myself a lot before I became comfortable in my relationship with Christ. I am currently reading a book called The Hole in our Gospel and the author, Richard Stearns says it perfectly when he asked the question why did God made him, "To love, serve, and obey Him."

That's it. That's the only reason I am here. Along the way, people have been put in my life to hold me to those three things. Every day, I try to follow these rules. However, I'm far from perfect and I fail. I have self-esteem issues, I struggle with depression, I judge people, I struggle with my mouth and my attitude. I have a nasty temper and I tend to push people away when they are trying to love me. I could go on and on about my faults. But I make no apologies for who I am. God loves me, imperfections and all. It has taken me a long time to come to be able to write that. I'm still not 100% comfortable say that yet, but it's getting closer.

Now to the reason for my blog today. What are you here for? If you are a believer in Christ, then you're here for the exact same reason I am. I understand not everyone believes as I believe. But then I begin to question you and your motives. Let's talk about people who focus on the constant negatives. I really don't spend my days putting people down. But there are people that thrive on that kind of stuff. It could be something little or something major.

What I hate more than anything is when people tell me that I don't have a life or that I'm a prissy girl because I live my life for God. My life is so uncool because I don't drink or party. Or because I would rather spend a Friday night having yogurt with my best friend and window shopping than to hang out with a bunch of people at a party. I would rather spend my Sunday mornings teaching kids in Sunday school than to sleep in or do nothing on Sundays. I would rather spend my two week vacation in another country working with orphans than to spend it in a lavish place sight-seeing the latest and greatest tour spots. I would rather take the $ I could have spent on a Starbucks coffee and feed a homeless person.

Don't sit and tell me that I don't have a life. My life is full of joy, full of stability, full of people who love me. My life is full of loving hugs and giggling children. My life is full of many Friday nights in and lots of NON-alcohol induced laughter. My life is full of aspirations to go serve God in another country, continents away from my family and friends. I am single and enjoying it. It's not the end of the world if you don't have a mate by your side. Not everyone is intended for marriage and I can better serve God without a man in my life. That would be another reason why people say "I don't have a life".

My life is full of people who bring me up, not people who bring me down. If you are one of those people who are constantly going to tell me my life is so blah or I'm so prissy because of the decisions I make every day to follow Christ, then I really don't want you in my life. I don't need you bringing me down. If you don't support my decisions to do what I do, then you can de-friend me now, this is for friends and family. On second thought, maybe I will delete you as a friend. I do not regret any decision I have made in my life. All of my decisions have brought me here to where I am now: loving, serving, and obeying.

South Africa on my mind

2010-05-07T00:48:00.000-04:00

Lately, South Africa has been popping up in my life here and there. I just can't wait for this trip. When talking about it to a few people, I have said after discussing the trip, "Who knows? I may not come back to the United States." People generally give me a fake laugh and then I tell them I'm serious. I still don't think they believe me. I want to be in the mission field so bad I can taste it. And even now, there are still doors being opened for this trip or doing missionary work there long term.

I sometimes feel it's happening so fast and I can't wrap my hands around it. We haven't even begun meeting yet for this trip, I don't even know who is on my team! Every day, I'm reassured that this is the path God has chosen and I'm staying on it strong. Without ever even being there, I can see myself living in South Africa. Mostly because it's what my heart wants, wants to be in the mission field, somewhere. And it could very well be in South Africa. I wouldn't be surprised. Too much stuff has come in my path regarding this country for something major not to happen.

I begin to worry about my education and then I have to realize that it will all get worked out eventually. My Spanish professor actually sent me a link today to teach oversees. Hmmm..teaching is not what I want in life, I want to be a nurse. Or do I just want to work with kids? I am not saying I'm going to up and change my major at school, it's an option that could be explored to do while I am working on the nursing degree. See, I have many paths before me. I'm not sure which one I should take.

My professor also sent me an email that basically says without a bachelor's degree, nurses are pretty much un-educated with just an associates degree. Are you kidding me? You mean in order to actually do well in the nursing field, I need a bachelor's degree? Do you know how long I've been doing school part time just to obtain my associates which I don't even have yet? I'm honestly not sure I want to further my education after the associate degree. I'm getting very discouraged and not sure how much more school I can take. I'm already in my 30's with no college degree. The email also said that the universities here are upping the requirements to get into the school when transferring from a community college. *Sigh* So, it's all becoming difficult for me and overwhelming. And then I start to wonder what the requirements are for nursing school in South Africa. I just happen to know of someone who could give me the low down on the school system there.

But I try to keep encouraged, being sure to explore any door that is opened for me. I don't know what October will bring. But it could very well be the one thing that changes my life completely.

And I'm so ready for it to happen. There's nothing here that's holding me back.

I Keep Missing Her

2010-05-04T19:29:00.000-04:00

It seems like lately that I have been missing my mom. Maybe it's because Mother's Day is this weekend and that usually has me missing my grandma as well. And I do miss gram, but I seem to be missing my mom more. I can't help but wonder why? How can I miss someone that I hardly knew? It's a natural feeling to miss someone, especially since it's not even be a year since her death. But I barely knew her and yet my heart aches.

Lately God has put two people back in my life who were around a long time ago. Somehow or another we lost contact, but recently reconnected. My mom has played into each of the people in one way or another. In one friendship, I thought she knew about me not being very close to my mom and the struggles I've had, but I had never told her. A few weeks ago, I felt prompted to tell her about my mom's death. Now unless you're someone close to me, I generally don't bring up my mom's passing or the exact cause of her death. But this night, I felt prompted to blurt it all out. The person stared at me with tears in her eyes, stunned to silence. After she composed herself, she told me that her mother in law was experiencing the exact same thing. See, my mother's cause of death is still under investigation, but ultimately her cause of death was a domestic violence situation. I am getting better about talking about how my mom died. This friend began telling me about her mother in law and things that have happened. And I felt as though she was talking about my mother, telling me my mother's life story. It was scary how similar the stories were. Although my mom's situation ended in her death, it's almost like God orchestrated that conversation and my friend needed to hear my side of the story. I cried the entire way home that night. My heart ached for her mother in law while still grieving my mother's passing.

Another friendship is one that did know about my situation with my mom a long time ago. We've seen each other a few times at church. This weekend I sat with her and her husband. We were catching up and she out of the blue asked, "How is your mom doing?" She caught me off guard because I realize that she didn't know. I tried to subdue the lump in my throat as I told her that she was gone and September will be a year that she passed. I know she wasn't expecting it. She asked what happened and I before I got a chance to say anything, she figured it out. Horror came over her face as she answered her own question. I began missing my mom more. I know she's not suffering any more, but the mere fact that she's not physically here on earth, is still hard to process.

I said earlier that I was puzzled as to how is it that I'm missing someone I barely knew. But, every time I look in the mirror, I am reminded of my mom. My eyes are green and brown, but the dominant color is green. Green was the color of my mom's eyes. My gentle spirit came from her. My love of reading came from her. My love of animals came from her. I have so many of her attributes that it's no wonder I miss her more and more every day.

I think everything that has happened is just all part of the big ol' healing process.

This I'm sure of...

2010-04-01T19:28:00.001-04:00

I'm not sure what my future may bring.
I'm not sure what will happen next month, next week, or tomorrow even.
I'm not sure if I will have a job in 5 weeks.
I'm not sure how to budget even more when I get a pay cut and a furlough (if I keep my job).
I'm not sure I will pass Chemistry and/or Math this semester.
I'm not sure if I am attending school next semester.

I have a lot of unsures going on right now. But I'm not worried about a single thing. Because as many unsures I have in my life, I am most definitely sure about this:
God is faithful and His love is better than life. His love surpasses every single worry I have. Why has it taken me so long (almost 8 years into my walk) to be able to write that? Not just to write that, but to believe it as well? It's because I started saying "Yes" to God instead of "No" or "Not right now".

It's amazing what a change of thinking will do to a person.
:D

I never thought

2010-03-22T01:49:00.000-04:00

I've never tried to imagine myself doing missionary work in a country where Spanish is not their primary language. I shut myself out to the rest of the world and only let my heart see what I wanted to see. Not what God wanted to see.

But today, I can't say that I still have the same perspective. My last blog I mentioned that God was putting on my heart that no matter the location, if you put me with kids, I would be happy. That's all I need are some kids who just need love and I'll be content anywhere. I feel as though God challenged me one day and said, "Anywhere?" I am sure I hesitated at my answer and said, "Yes, anywhere."

What has transpired in the past 2 months, more importantly the past 48 hours, has been crazy. A good crazy, but crazy nonetheless. It was all God's doing and the best way to show you how God brought me here today is to list everything. You might ask, where I am today? Today, I am looking forward to the fall. It will be when I take my first trip to South Africa to minister to people. Hmmm...Spanish is not spoken at all in South Africa. And it's a place that I never wanted to go to except to see Great White Sharks breach out of the water.

About 2 months ago, my church started showing this video about Helping Hands in Africa. Helping Hands in Africa is an organization that ministers to kids in South Africa who are orphaned due to their parents/grandparents dying from AIDS. My church partners with them and they do mission trips there. The first time I saw the video, I cried. The second time I saw the video, I cried again. Every weekend that they have shown that video, I've cried. I knew God was up to something. I even looked at the trip details, but quickly dismissed it due to me being in school.
I recently reconnected with a friend and she knew my heart about missions and saw how strong it was for that particular thing. She told me to talk to the Global Outreach pastor at our church. I, once again, quickly dismissed her prompting and never contacted him. I wasn't sure what to say to him about my heart for missions.
Helping Hands and my church were doing a walk at the Phoenix Zoo this past Saturday. I decided to sign up for the walk. I definitely thought it was a good cause. I received a free shirt that said, "I am David. AIDS is Goliath." That small statement was so profound to me and I felt so proud wearing that shirt all day long. When we were there, the organization gave us "info" bags. I looked at the information when I got home and at the bottom of their newsletter gave the addresses of their office. There are only two, one based in South Africa and the USA office is based in Tempe. I sat there dumbfounded to know that this agency is literally right in front of my face. I know of two mission agencies that are based in the Phoenix area, Food for the Hungry and now Helping Hands in Africa. But that is it.
I felt prompted to explore their website and quickly found the video for short term mission trips. As I watched, tears yet once again fell. Then who came on the video? Matt Swartz, who is the Global Director at my church. You know, the one I had previously dismissed talking to? I didn't realize that my new church home was so involved in this organization till that moment.
So, I pulled up the Global Outreach page and for 40 straight minutes, I sat there and stared at my calendar knowing how many classes I would miss if I went on one of these trips, I also stared at the local office address for Helping Hands and the website with all of the trip information. I would normally stress about all the information that was in front of me, but I didn't. I felt a sense of calm, a sense of peace. I knew it was something that I was being led to do. So much has happened with this agency and me in the past two months. If I am not seeing the video in church, there has been this little voice saying, "Go to South Africa".
Later as I told Kristine, she already said I had made up my mind to go. Yes, I had. She couldn't believe that I stopped fighting what was right in front of me said, "Yes, I will go." Between her and Romi, they both said the exact same thing to me in regards to this trip. God is obviously do some serious work in my life and had opened the door to go to South Africa.
Yesterday at church, is what really got me. I got to church early as usual. I normally go in and get some coffee and do my daily Bible reading. Yesterday, I debated in the car for a few minutes if I should instead put make up on and then head in. I decided coffee and reading was more important than make up and walked up to the church. This man was walking to the car and said Good morning to me. I looked at his face and said good morning back, not noticing his name tag. Then as he walked past me, I realized who it was. It was the Global Outreach Director from my church wearing a Helping Hands shirt. I stopped him and began my flubbering story about everything that has happened and how God was putting this on my heart to go.

My head is swirling with everything that has happened this past weekend. But there is still one concern: School. I am not sure if my college professors will allow me to take off 3-4 classes in a row to go on this trip. I am going to explore the option with them and see if they would be willing to bend over backwards and help me. If not, then it has been decided that I will take a semester off of school to go on this trip. I will not worry about this nor will I worry about what people might think because I will possibly be delaying my education. If I don't take this opportunity, it might never happen again. And I'm not willing to shut the door on my future this time. This time I want to see what God has in store for me come fall.

We are doing a vacation bible school with the kids in the village and that right there, makes me so excited about this adventure I will be taking.

*Giggle* I'm going to South Africa!

Down on my knees

2010-03-14T20:37:00.000-04:00

Lately, I've been praying. No, I mean really praying, down on my knees. My last post was right after the earthquake hit Chile. Since then, numerous earthquakes have struck there again. I blogged about how I just wanted to go and I wanted to go to Chile, no where else.

Before when I used to pray, I would get all comfy in bed, do some reading and start falling asleep. I would turn the light off and then begin to pray. Of course, I would fall asleep praying, waking up the next morning not even remembering where my prayers left off. But since the earthquake in Chile, I've been praying differently. Before I even get in my bed, I've been praying on my knees, on the side of my bed like this little boy in the picture.

My normal prayers usually include a sick friend or family member etc. But since my last post, I have been praying for God to do something radical in my heart. To open the door to my future in the mission field and for me not to question and be prepared at any moment. I feel something happening and I'm not sure what it is. My thoughts and my actions are changing, little my little. I want to go somewhere, anywhere. That may not include Chile. I want to do God's work and I want to make Him happy. My eyes have been opened in the past month to the fact that if you put me in the mission field and I'm working with kids, then I'm in my sweet spot. It doesn't matter where it is. Just give me some little kids to love on and my heart will run over. Sun Valley has been showing videos about a ministry they work with in South Africa called Helping Hands in Africa . It's an organization that works with orphaned kids who have lost their parents or grandparents to AIDS. Every single time they show the video, I cry. I cry because my heart is touched and I cry because my heart is hurting for those kids. See, mission field + kids = Brandy's heart.

A friend brought up at lunch today that the one thing I fight with mission work (and if you know me, you know what I struggle with), will probably be where God places me. She wanted to know if I was ready for that if it happened. No, I'm not. I've fought this one thing for so long. But if God opens that door to that particular subject, then I have to be willing to walk through it and trust Him, no question asked.

Oh Lord, I wish I could get just a little glimpse into your plans for me. Please, just a little peek to guide me in the right direction in I should be taking.

Too Many Memories

2010-03-04T08:01:00.000-05:00

This ladies and gentlemen is my good ol' Yankees hat. I love this hat, as you can tell it's by far the one that gets worn the most. As you can see on the top of the bill, it's discolored. That my friends would be sweat stains. I know that's gross. But me and this hat have been through a lot together and it's the one I would wear in the dead of summer when I walked. Hence the sweat stains. I thought about washing it, but I couldn't do it. Those stains represented pounds I lost.

I originally pretended to like the Yankees for a stupid boy. I thought if I pretended to care about them, he would take notice. Of course that never happened. But when I wasn't around him, I would still watch the games and get the scores so I would be fully educated if I were asked about the game.

But somewhere along the way, something happened...I became a fan. I started enjoying baseball like I enjoy my college football. I started loving the Yankees and now I can say I'm a fan, a real fan, not a band wagon one.

This hat represents pride and love for the Yankees that has grown in me over the past few years. I cherish this hat and root for the Yankees all the time. Gosh, to be a new fan and watch the world series was amazing. I love the Yankees now and that will never change!

This hat also represents pain and many years of memories I would rather forget. This hat was given to me by the boy that I tried so desperately to impress. Although, he briefly came back into my life recently for 3 days, we aren't friends any more and will never be friends again. It took him coming around again for me to see that the friendship is gone and the long chapter with him has finally come to a close. Now I just look at the hat and I feel disgusted because it's from him. It makes me angry.

I've grown to hate this hat. Now, understand me, I said the hat, not the Yankees. I still love the Yankees, but I don't want this hat any more. I thought about burning it, no seriously I did. But I'm afraid I would start the house on fire. So, in order not to look at it anymore and feel the emotions that run through me, I am throwing the hat away. It's going in the garbage as soon as I finish this post. It's a part of the closure process for me.

That's means I need a new Yankees hat to rock! I do intend on getting one soon. However, it's not a necessity since I am moving into my own apartment soon. I need things for the apartment before I drop $ on a hat. I will get one eventually, definitely before June. :) June is when the Yankees are coming to play the DBacks. My friend, Hilary, and I are going to go. She's a DBacks fan, so it will be fun. It will be my very first Yankees game, ever.

So long bad memories associated with the Yankees hat.

I want control, but it's not mine to want

2010-02-27T12:32:00.000-05:00

My morning started off good. I had a list of stuff to do, laundry, vacuuming my room, the never ending task of homework. The only thing I've accomplished today has been laundry. My time has been consumed by reading CNN, checking updates on the earthquake that has hit Chile.

I can't say it any other way, than to say that my heart is breaking into a million pieces for Chile. Now, I'm saddened by the natural disasters that hit anywhere in the country. I pray for the people, pray for strength. When the earthquake hit Haiti, I cried. I cried because I have been to the Dominican Republic and briefly stepped into Haiti for a few hours to minister to people. I cried because I knew the conditions of the country and how it would impact them. I just wanted to get on a plane and go do something...anything.

But Chile has a whole different place with me. Chile is what I've called my home away from home for 4 years now. Chile is the place that makes my heart yearn to be there when I talk with my Chilean friends or see pictures of Chile. Chile is ultimately where I want to move to. I want to work/be a missionary there. Chile is where my heart decided to stay when I stepped off that plane in Santiago back in 2005. No matter what I've done in my life, it's always come back to Chile. I can say I want to move to South America, but I've wanted Chile to be my place of residence.

I want to get my nursing degree and move to Chile, that's always been the goal. Many people don't understand why I want to do that. Why would I leave this country of freedom and English speaking people to move to Chile? A place where everything is so different and most of them speak Spanish. Why on earth would you do that, Brandy? Some people have even said it was a stupid idea. To you, it may be stupid. But if you know me, truly know me, then you know God has been calling me to do that for awhile now. And if you don't understand why I want to do that, then you don't understand me at all.

Kristine woke up to me crying. Oh let's admit it, I was a blubbering mess. She had to talk me down. I was distraught about the earthquake that hit my "heart". She asked why I was so upset. All I could say was, "I just want to go!" That's it, I just want to get on a plane and go to Chile. Not because of the quake, that's just making it more prevalent. She said, "Well go. What's stopping you?"

What's stopping me?!? I started naming off the fact that I don't have a nursing degree, the fact that I can't just hop on a plane, the fact that I have student loans and I would be leaving all this debt. I can give you or her a million excuses why I can't go right now. To me, it would seem so stupid to just drop everything I have in this life to go to Chile. But in the same aspect, it makes so much sense to me to just go.

I am all about controlling my life and sometimes controlling others. I limit God a lot. I don't put my faith 100% in Him and I don't tend to always fully rely on God to get me through things. I'm a planner to the max and I like to have a plan for my day, my week, my month...my life. I know God's plan is for me to do His work in Chile, but I'm limiting the ways it is getting done. Kristine can be brutally honest with people, including me. It's one of the things I love about her. I don't always want to hear what she says, but when she says it, it hits closer to home more than I care to admit. But she is right about me wanting to control everything.

So, what do I do now? Fully trusting God is so difficult to me. It's funny, I just posted on some one's blog about how I struggle with giving God control and then the quake hits Chile the next day after I left that comment. Do you think God is trying to tell me something? Not about the devastation of Chile or Haiti or Japan, etc, but maybe about trusting Him and knowing His plan is still very valid in my life? A conversation I had with Kristine during my birthday week, the conversation I had today, and the fact that I just read "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan have all got my head spinning. Kristine said, "Why can't you go to school in Chile?" I didn't have a response to her. Why couldn't I? Why couldn't I work there? I'm not saying that I'm definitely looking into that, but I need to explore options instead of sitting on my butt crying about the fact I'm not in Chile.

I know what I'm going to do. I'm going to pray, pray like I've never prayed before. Pray that God opens a door for me to do...something and to not shut Him out like I have before. Pray that I lose my "self-control" of sorts. I will get to Chile when God wants me there, it could be tomorrow for all I know. But if it does happen tomorrow, I can't slam the door and ask Him if He's crazy. Because let's face it, I do that a lot.

The only thing I can say is I need to trust God. I need to know that if he opens the door to get me to Chile quicker than I anticipate, He will provide a means for everything. Guide me God, send me God. Keep me from just saying I'll go eventually, instead I want to say, "Okay. I'm on it."

"We need to stop giving people excuses not to believe in God." ~Crazy Love, Francis Chan

“Confía en el SEÑOR de todo corazón, y no en tu propia inteligencia.
Reconócelo en todos tus *caminos, y él allanará tus sendas.” Proverbios 3:5-6

I Made Her

2010-02-13T10:54:00.000-05:00

This has been a weird week for me. Although it ended fantastic. The beginning of the week was just bad. There are some days I struggle with depression more than others. Monday and Tuesday were really bad days for me. I have a lot of things I need to change about myself and my thinking. I challenge my relationships every day with various people in my life, hurting myself and others. These people still manage to love me despite of it all. It's hard to comprehend that, but they do. Hmm....just like my relationship with God.

On Thursday, I celebrated my 33rd birthday and had lunch with my dear friend, Romi. She spoiled me with all kinds of gifts, but inside of my card was the best birthday of all. She had given me a "letter" of sorts on pretty paper called, "I Made Her". I didn't read it on my birthday, I read it the next day after going through the bag to empty it. The tears came as I read it, it was what my heart needed to hear.

I decided to share this with the ladies. Because I believe it's what every woman's heart needs to hear and feel. Romi, I wasn't lying when I said it was the best gift ever, I so needed it! I am going to frame it. Love you!

I MADE HER

I made her. She is different. She's unique. With love, I formed her in her mother's womb. I fashioned her with great joy. I remember with great pleasure the day I created her. (Psalm 139:13-16)

I love her smile. I love her ways. I love to hear her laugh and the silly things she says and does. She brings me great pleasure. (Psalm 139:17)

I made her pretty and not beautiful, because I knew her heart and knew she would be vain. I wanted her to search out her heart and to learn it would be Me in her that would make her beautiful and would draw friends to her. (1 Peter 3:3-5)

I made her in such a way that she would need Me. I made her a little more lonesome than she would like to be, only because I want her to turn to Me in her loneliness. Only because I need for her to lean to and depend on Me. I know her heart. I know if I had not made her like this, she would go her own way and forget about Me, her Creator. (Psalm 62:5-8)

I have given her many good and happy things because I love her. (Psalm 84:11, Romans 8:32)

Because I love her, I have seen her broken heart and the tears she has cried alone. I have cried with her and had a broken heart too. (Psalm 56:8)

Many times she has stumbled and fallen alone, only because she would not hold My Hand. So many lessons she has learned the hard way, because she would not listen to My Voice. (Isaiah 53:6)

She is mine. I made her then I bought her because I love her. (Romans 5:8)

I have to reshape and remold her, to renew in her what I want her to me. It has not been easy for her or for me. (Jeremiah 29:11)

I want her to be conformed to My Image. This high goal I have set for her because I love her. (2 Corinthians 2:14)

Almost there...

2010-02-04T00:05:00.000-05:00

I have numerous things to write about and feel compelled to update the ol' blog. I could write about my struggles. *Sigh* I really don't think you want to hear that. I could write about this new adventure I'm on. I could write how my birthday is soon. *Hint to family members*. The problem is that there's so much to write about, in many different aspects that I don't even know where to begin.

A lot of what I need to say should go the private blog. Even then, I'm not sure how to word it all. And so, in the need of updating, I'm going to talk about school. Because I can always talk about that subject.

I've been in school almost three weeks now. And I'm flat out exhausted. I'm only taking two classes, but they are both the ones I put off till the very end. Math and Chemistry. Basic Algebra and Basic Chemistry. Both which seem so foreign to me. I honestly despise them both. Gah! I decided to take my Math online. BIG MISTAKE! Since I'm not good in Math anyways, doing it online is consuming a lot of my time. I enjoy my Chemistry professor, but he doesn't play around and there is a lot to learn.

So, I'm studying and doing homework constantly. Trying to retain everything I can. I could very well be doing homework right now, but I needed a break. Tomorrow I will resume. Although, I'm crazy tired, my spirits are still intact. And that is saying a lot for me and school, even three weeks into the semester.

I believe my spirits are still good because this is my last semester of my general requirements before I can apply for the nursing program. *Grin* OMG, I have been on this journey FOREVER and I can't believe I'm starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel called pre-requisites! The 2-year plan has turned into the 4-6 year plan. Yeah, yeah say what you want about me taking it so slow. I don't have the luxury of going to school full time. It's not easy managing work, school, church. I really don't know how people who are also married or have children do it.

The nursing program has a wait list. I am looking into other options as to maybe getting into a program quicker. I don't know if it will work, but it's worth a shot. If anything, I will take those 300 level Spanish classes I've been putting off while I'm waiting. :) I so want to be one of those people wearing cute scrubs and just working with kids. When I see someone in scrubs, I become so envious of them.

And it will be me soon enough. I would I could just snap my fingers and have my nursing degree. Gosh, I wish I could snap my fingers for a lot of things in my life. I sometimes wish I had gone to college right after high school, but that path I took was part of God's plan. It was the path that led me to Him and had I actually gone to college immediately, my future could of been different in a lot of ways. Good, bad, indifferent. I don't know how it would of been, but I can say this much, who knew when I would of found God had I taken a different path? So, the long haul through school has been worth every single step.

Okay, do you feel updated enough? I hope so! :D

The Eternal Flame

2010-01-13T10:37:00.000-05:00

I get breaking news texts sent from AZCentral. I usually get the texts and quickly glance over them. Most of the time it's local news and it's something that I don't consider breaking news. Yesterday, I received a breaking news text saying that an earthquake had happened in Haiti. My heart began to hurt for those people. I already knew how poverty stricken that country was and the earthquake is going to make everything worse. In 2006 I went on a 10 day mission trip to the Dominican Republic. We worked with a small town called Puello. While we were there, we crossed over into Haiti to a surrounding neighborhood to minister to some people. And although we were only there for a few hours, those people left an impact on me.

I got on and logged onto a local news site. As I read the article, I began to wonder if the Dominican Republic felt it as well. The article said the earthquake hit the capital, Port Au Prince. Further down it said that the quake was felt 300 miles away in the capital of the DR, Santo Domingo. This would mean the Puello and the surrounding Haitian community I worked with felt the earthquake as well. The news said it was the worst one Haiti had seen in 200 years. The earthquake demolished many buildings, including the hosptial.

I heard on Air1 this morning that an American Missionary team had landed in Port Au Prince one hour before the quake hit. Being on mission trips before, I know they had a schedule and an itinerary they would try to follow. God had other plans for them. As soon as the quake hit, they hit the ground running. They went into the devastation to show God's love and try to help out where ever possible. Needless to say, it will be a mission trip that they will never forget in so many ways.

My prayers last night were only for Haiti. I just want to get on a plane and go help, do something, anything. I feel as though my prayers aren't enough right now. But, it's the best I can do. The need to get on a plane is so strong to just be in the middle of it all trying to save lives.

It's a deep hurt that I can't explain.

It would seem as though I have been trying to get my nursing degree forever now. I decided on majoring in nursing a long time ago. I want to help people as much as I can. A few years ago, I also decided to minor in Spanish. I want to be a bilingual nurse. Did you know nurses make a lot of money? Did you know that bilingual nurses make even more money? The money is promising and there is always a need for nurses.

But I'm not doing it to make more money. I am doing it because I want to go work in a another country. I want to be a missionary or work for the Red Cross. I just want to help people as much as possible and share the love I have in my heart for God.

Sure you may think I am crazy, but this morning the need to drop my life completely and get on a plane to help those people is very strong. I am glad to know that after that first Chile trip in 2005, my heart still burns for missions. The flame is still there to move to another country and do missionary work. I have had many discouragements along the way, but after it's all said and done, I would leave the US in a heartbeat to go live my life in another country.

That flame burns eternally in my soul. It is taking me awhile to get there. But I will get there and that is all that matters.

Please join me in praying for Haiti. There are so many people who are believed to be buried under the rubble and they don't have the machinery or manpower to quickly pull these people out. Here is a link to some pictures. Warning, they are graphic.

My heart is heavy today and I shall leave you with some quotes about my want to leave this world that I know and venture into a world I don't know.

"To stay here and disobey God - I can't afford to take that consequence. I would rather go and obey God than to stay here and know that I disobeyed." ~Amanda Berry Smith

"The will of God - nothing less, nothing more, nothing else." ~F.E. Marsh

"If God's love is anybody anywhere, it's for everybody everywhere." ~Edward Lawlor

"Let my heart be broken with the things that breaks God's heart." ~Bob Pierce

In search of something

2010-01-05T15:06:00.001-05:00

I posted a comment on Facebook a few days ago about starting the process again. I didn't give any further details because there is way too many people on there. And honestly, not everyone is privy to the details on a lot of my life. And since this blog gets imported into Facebook, I will once again be sketchy about the details. But I needed to blog and get this out and I really don't think it's meant for my private blog. I think I can say what I need to say, without actually saying it.

I am starting the process again because I am not happy with a current situation. All of my life, I have done things to make other people happy. I did this or I did that. I stayed here or I stayed there. Whatever it is, I've always put my needs on the back burner. I know that is what I'm supposed to do, but doesn't God want me to be happy? Doesn't He want me to grow in my walk with Him? I don't feel like that is happening right now. I feel so, so...stagnant in my journey with God. And I can say the only reason why I continue doing what I'm doing is for other people, not for me. It makes them happy and I feel as though I might let them down by actually saying what I want or doing what I want.

Some people may say my thoughts are clouded and I'm just not thinking straight about things. I don't think that's the case. Want to know what I think? I think some people are so focused on this one thing, that maybe your vision is clouded, not mine. I've thought and prayed long and hard about this and I'm ready to make the move, this time it will be for good.

I had a "season" of this and I'm still wondering why it happened the way it did. I know God had/has plans, but after a few years at this, I'm still wondering why He prompted me to do what I did, only to come to this point once again. Was it to save that girl? Was it to show God's light to him? Was it because I needed my eyes to be opened and realize that I am stronger and more prepared now than I was previously? I may never know. Once again, relationships will be strained, but they weren't really strong to begin with. New relationships formed can be nurtured without this one thing.

It's a long, exhausting process and I'm not sure I'll have the strength to do it again. I know God will light my path and guide me the way I am to go, but I sometimes try to do things on my own. We all know that doesn't work. I have to go about things different the second time around. I have to be open and willing to learn something new, even if it means I have to step out of my comfort zone.

What is it I am searching for?

Will I always compare apples to oranges?

What does it take to feel what I felt so long ago?

I am not sure, but it's time to find me again.

Saying goodbye to another year

2009-12-28T03:00:00.000-05:00

Well, here we are. Another year is about to leave us. 2009 will soon be history and just like that 2010 will be upon us. At the beginning of every year I like to look back at my previous post and ponder about the year. My post welcoming 2009 can be found here. 2008 was a bad, bad year for me. But looking back at that post, I realized how much things changed and I grew. So, to sum up 2009, I am posting in my favorite form of bullet points, with some pictures.

My 2008 post had a dark under theme. Although I didn't discuss it in that post, I was really struggling with depression and it wasn't until October of 2008 that I decided to seek professional help. I welcomed 2009 by making my first counseling appointment to discuss why I was feeling the way I was and why I was pondering taking my life. I was in counseling for 6 months, I went faithfully every 2 weeks until one day in June, my counselor said I didn't need to see him anymore. I wish I could say that I was cured, but I'm not. I just understand how to cope with what's going on.

To Write Love Her Arms is a organization I support fully and it has a whole new meaning to me in the past year. I participated in my first TWLOHA arms day this year. That ink on my arm opened up the door for people to ask about the organization and for me to remember where I was a year previously.

2009 brought the death of my mother, Pam. Her death was hard on me, and I'm not sure why. Some people said it was because our relationship was strained. That's probably true. But either way, I'm still affected by her passing.

Every year, I follow a Bible plan and read through the entire Bible. This year was no exception. This is the 3rd year in a row that I have followed the plan and read the Bible. It's really a great thing to do every year. I usually follow the One Year Bible plan, but this year, me some gals are going to do it a little differently. We are going to do the One Year plan, but to read it chronologically. I'm excited about this journey, every time I read the Bible, I learn something new. Here is the link for the two plans, http://www.oneyearbibleonline.com/

I think 2009 was the year of the poopie pants. I can't even begin to tell how many poopie pants I have changed with my 3 year olds at church. I've become an expert and I can do it quick!

I went to my very first midnight premiere of a movie. I skipped my college class one night (gasp) and waited in line 10 hours to see New Moon. Was the movie worth a midnight showing? Meh, it was good, but I am way too old to be around all those teeny-boppers. I started off the year as Team Edward...but I'm leaning towards Team Jacob. If you see the movie, you will understand why.

I choose my happiness in life over suffering from a so-called friendship and walked away from a relationship that I swore I would never walk away from. It's been the most difficult thing I've had to do, but my life is so much better for it. I made the right decision.

I said goodbye to Mesa and welcomed myself to Gilbert by moving in with one of my best friends. I moved in just in time, because shortly after, Kristine's life would change forever by a horrific attack from a dog. And although what happened to her was bad, it was something that brought us closer.

I paid off my credit card debt and officially do not have any credit cards.

I celebrated my 32nd birthday in February by getting my first tattoo.

I celebrated 7 years of walking with Christ in November and decided to buy myself another tattoo. This makes #2 in one year. It's "Only God" in Spanish, with Matthew 22:37 as the scripture. I love both of my tattoos, they tell so much about who I am.

My best friend of 25+ years came to see me in February. It was only for the weekend, but we laughed so much! It was the kind of therapy my soul needed.

Second time is a charm and by golly I passed my Anatomy and Physiology class with flying colors. I am two classes away from applying for the nursing program. I can't believe it.

AHCCCS laid off 85 people in May, I was spared and still have my job. Thank God!

Well, I am sure that there is tons more, but that is what sticks out in my mind from 2009. Happy New Year, everyone!

Merry Christmas

2009-12-25T03:00:00.000-05:00

Remember the real reason to celebrate. Merry CHRISTmas to you and your family!

Luke 2, The Birth of Jesus
1In those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world. 2(This was the first census that took place while Quirinius was governor of Syria.) 3And everyone went to his own town to register.
4So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David. 5He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child. 6While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, 7and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn.

The Shepherds and the Angels
8And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. 9An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. 10But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. 11Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ[a] the Lord. 12This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger."
13Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying, 14"Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests."

15When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, "Let's go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about."

16So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger. 17When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, 18and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. 19But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. 20The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told.

Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer

2009-12-01T01:52:00.000-05:00

I really love this time of year. The day after Thanksgiving is when I really start getting into the Christmas spirit. I have the Christmas music going, I am buying Christmas gifts. I love the Christmas lights, I love the sounds of the bell ringers outside the stores. It all signifies the Christmas season. It makes me happy, so happy in fact that I just want to run down the street yelling Merry Christmas at everyone. Christmas makes me want to burst with excitement.

Obviously, it's my favorite holiday. I love Christmas and it just makes me feel warm and comfortable. I was talking to my niece today, and we both agreed that although this is a great time of year, we miss grandma more on the holidays. Christmas was the holiday where my grandma went all out. And to be honest, it drove me crazy. I hated how much she decorated for Christmas. She really went overboard. From her snow flocked tree, her numerous ornaments, her Christmas dolls that went above the mantle, the putting up the lights in the coldest of weather, the Christmas presents. She rocked the good ol' Christmas sweaters/sweatshirts and occasionally would even rock a Christmas turtleneck under those shirts. She wore Christmas pins and let's not forget Christmas earrings/necklaces. She would manage to wrap my presents right in front of me and I would be so involved in the present she had instructed me to wrap, that I never saw what she had wrapped for me. She would hand me the present and tell me to put it under the tree. I would always get mad that the present was for me and I didn't see her wrap it. No matter how old we got, Santa still brought us presents. She baked goodies for all kinds of people and always bought a huge box of chocolates for our bank. It's all stuff I despised growing up, because I was the one who had to help.

But now, all things Christmas remind me of my grandma. It makes me miss her so much. Before she passed, she had this reindeer that when you pressed his hand, he sang "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer". She loved that stupid thing and that was her favorite song. I, however, hated that reindeer! It drove me crazy. Nine years after she's passed, I still have that reindeer and it still works. It has become my favorite Christmas item that I have. I take it out every year and just sit down and play the song a few times. It bobs it's head while singing and I smile to myself because it reminds me of how much my grandmother loved it. I can still see her smile and hear her laugh as she plays it.

Holidays are not easy on me due to her passing. Since she's died, I've had numerous Christmases. But they've never been the same that they were before she died. I feel so out of sorts this time of year, no matter how much I celebrate, it's not the same as when Gram was alive. I have friends and family, but I feel so alone this time of year. When my grandma was alive, she conquered the world (or at least the state of Indiana). She was everything to me and she was the glue that held our family together. Nobody can do Christmas like Grandma did, nobody.

I want things to be like they used to be, but I know that's not possible. She's gone, our family has changed so much. We've all started new celebrations, new traditions. And if we were to all get together right now, I can guarantee chaos will soon follow. I wish it wasn't true, but it is. We all fell apart when she died and we haven't been able to pull it back together.

I keep my grandma's spirit alive at Christmas as much as I can, all I really have to hold onto is that reindeer and lots of great memories.

I do it to plant the seed

2009-11-22T17:54:00.000-05:00

Every Saturday, I work with Preschoolers at church. I generally work with the three year olds, but sometimes I am needed in the 4's or 5's. But, three year olds have a special place in my heart. Every weekend, when the last kid is picked up, I breathe a huge sigh of relief and slide into my car literally EXHAUSTED.

Seriously, those kids know how to wear someone out. Comfy clothing is a major requirement and NOT playing with them on the floor is not an option. You definitely need to play with them on the floor.

They run, they scream, they throw things, they dip their Goldfish and Animal Cookies in water, they eat glue, and break every single crayon. They somehow miss the toilet (boy or girl) and pee all over the floor. Instead of washing their hands in the sink, they sometimes wash them in the toilet. They love gummi bears, they share for the most part, they generally can't sit through the lesson, they love the Legos and Play-Dough.

They are three year olds. And man, oh man, do I love them so. Although I wrote they generally don't sit through lesson, I am always surprised when they do listen and they get the story we are telling them. I remember at one of the Easter services, we told the kids about why we celebrate Easter. I really struggled with this lesson, we had to simplify the lesson as much as possible for the three year olds. We had resurrection eggs and each one represented something. We also had a cave that had Jesus in it, but then we was gone. I really didn't think they got the lesson, but a few months later, I worked with a mom of one of my kids. She explained to me about her daughter re-telling the lesson to her and how she used her hands to retell the Easter story I had told her months earlier.

This three year old got it and retold it way better than I could of. It made my heart happy.

I do it because a hug and a kiss from a three year is the best thing.

I do it because I love standing in church and feeling little arms wrapped around me because they saw me and just wanted to say hi.

I do it because of the smile I get after I made a "boo-boo" all better with a little cleaning, a bandage, and some extra special love.

I do it because no matter how frustrated I get at little D for his potty-training accidents that I have to clean up every weekend (and I'm not talking pee here), my heart melts every time he says, "I'm sorry, Miss Bandy (not Brandy, Bandy)." I mean seriously, who could resist the big blue eyes and most precious face ever?!?!

I do it because I love to sit down with them to color or using the Play-Dough to stretch our imaginations as far as they go.

I do it because I see the kids in public and they scream as loud as they can, "Mommy, there's my teacher!"

I do it because they grow up at Central and many years later, they still remember me and I can say, "I remember you when..." Even after they grow up, I still have a relationship with them.

I do it because they will sometimes randomly come up and tell me that they love me.

I do it because one day, the little seed that I've planted will harvest into something bigger than I can imagine.

I do it because once they get what Jesus did for them, they hold nothing back when it comes to loving God and telling others about him. They are the boldest people I know when it comes to talking about Jesus.

I do it because my heart fills with the greatest emotion when they are baptized. The two I witnessed today were both kids, it made me cry. It's amazing to see that.

Blood (from the kids), sweat (from me), and tears (sometimes from both of us), makes it all completely worth it.

Completely...

Gracias a Dios

2009-11-18T07:58:00.000-05:00

***Every year about Thanksgiving, I post this post. Sometimes I edit it and sometimes I just leave it the way it is. It's a reminder of where I've been and how far I've come.***

God,

Thank you for everything you have done for me. Thank you for loving me even when I screw up. Your love is like nothing I have ever felt.

I don't say thank you enough for sending Jesus to die for my sins and I'm sorry for that. I forget about the cross on my neck sometimes, forget why I wear it. God, thank you for never letting me walk away from you 100%, you always manage to pull me back when I get too far away from you. Thank you for stopping me, being my conscience when my "old self" comes out. You stop me from going backwards, force me to own up to my actions, no matter how bad it is.

Thank you for saving me and caring about me. No one has ever cared for me like you do. Why do you do it? There have been many times when I dishonored you. There are so many people who don't care about you. Ah, I get it, you not only love me but you love them too? Irregardless of what they do? That's awesome, it really is.

Thank you for sometimes "slapping me in the face" to make me open my eyes to see what you see. I am so blind sometimes. Thank you for always keeping my eyes open and for wiring me to put others needs before myself. Thank you for times you've prompted me to feed a homeless person or help an elderly woman with her groceries, or whatever. I've been crazy blessed every time I've done it.

Thank you for the fact that I can hear the sounds around me, like the sound of a child laughing, of the waves crashing against the shore. The sounds of people singing only for You. The sound of people crying out to you in adoration.

Thank you for my sight, through my eyes, I have seen your beauty in people as well as in nature, the world's pain, the smile of a loved one. I've seen You. I see you always.

Thank you for Heather. Her long-lasting friendship has been what pulled me through many tough times in my life. Deaths of our parents, boys breaking our hearts, tears over many things, laughter over so much more, her marriage and having a child, friendships lost through the years, and we are still kicking over 25 years later. I can't imagine my life without her.

Thank you for Kristine. Our friendship has come so far since we went to Chile in 2006. She keeps me grounded and makes sure I don't forget who you are and why I follow you. And when I was actually thinking about taking my life that you gave me, she was the first person to address me and telling me that I needed to get help. You nurtured our friendship. You knew I would need her more than anything over this past year. Thank you for our non-stop laughter, the dancing, as well as the tears we've shared with each other. Thank you for just letting me cry when my mom died. Whew, I needed that. Te amo, mi chica.

Thank you for Romi. This is another friendship you nurtured. I broke down and told her my secret about a year ago after much prompting from you. She could relate to me and our friendship quickly blossomed. We just "get" each other in so many ways. I'm blessed to have her in my life.

I guess I get caught up in life and forget how blessed I am sometimes. I apologize for that. Thank you for opening my eyes to who you are 7 years ago. Wow, it has been a ride, but I wouldn't change a thing.

Thank you for everything, I will be eternally grateful to you for what you have done in my life. And I'll continue to serve you in gratitude until I take my last breath.

The Final Inspection

2009-11-11T12:34:00.000-05:00

Every year on Veteran's Day, I post this poem.

Thank you to all the men & women who have fought or are currently fighting for our country. It's because of you that we are living in freedom.

The Final Inspection, by unknown

The soldier stood and faced God,
Which must always come to pass.
He hoped his shoes were shining,
Just as brightly as his brass.

"Step forward now, you soldier,
How shall I deal with you?
Have you always turned the other cheek?
To my Church have you been true?"

The soldier squared his soldiers and said,
"No, Lord, I guess I ain't.
Because those of us who carry guns,
Can't always be a saint.

I've had to work most Sundays,
And at times my talk was tough.
And sometimes I've been violent,
Because the world is awfully rough.

But, I never took a penny,
That wasn't mine to keep...
Though I worked a lot of overtime,
When the bills just got too steep.

And I never passed a cry for help,
Though at times I shook with fear.
And sometimes, God, forgive me,
I've wept unmanly tears.

I know I don't deserve a place,
Among the people here.
They never wanted me around,
Except to calm their fears.

If you've a place for me here, Lord,
It needn't be so grand.
I never expected or had too much,
But if you don't, I'll understand."

There was a silence all around the throne,
Where the saints had often trod.
As the soldier waited quietly,
For the judgement of his God.

"Step forward now, you soldier,
You've borne your burdens well.
Walk peacefully on Heaven's streets,
You've done your time in Hell."

The Good, the Bad, & the Scary

2009-11-05T08:29:00.000-05:00

Now, if you've met me, you know I'm a plus-size gal. I've been like this for a long time. I try to eat healthy when I can and I try to exercise when I can. But honestly, I never really cared too much about my weight. I was always under the assumption that I was somehow immune to the risks that come along with being overweight. It was never going to happen to me because I was the exception to the rule.

Boy, I'm pretty stupid, huh?

My weight problems have caught up to me. For the past month, my left knee has just been hurting. I'm pretty sure that it's from the years of weight that my poor legs had to bear. Although I'm pretty active for someone my size, I'm not active enough.

Last week, two different doctors told me I have high blood pressure. In my entire life, I've never been told that. My blood pressure has been normal. The first doctor told me that my blood pressure was high and yet again, I ignored her. I thought it was nothing and it was because I was stressed out from school. I still thought I was immune to anything. The next day with a different doctor, she once again said my blood pressure was high. Two days in a row of high blood pressure is not good.

It was then that I began to worry, I began to actually care about my poor body and the damage I have done to it. Within a few days of the high blood pressure readings, my right arm started to hurt. It's just painful, almost like a numbing feeling. That worried me more than anything. I may not be a nurse yet, but I know that high blood pressure and arm pain are not good! This could be an indication of a heart attack or stroke. This of course caused me to stress and worry even more. I seriously became scared for my life. You may think I'm too young to have a heart attack or stroke. But age has nothing to do with anything.

I made an appointment to see my primary care doctor yesterday. She said once again my blood pressure was high, although it had gone down a little since the readings previously. She was concerned because of my weight and the readings of my blood pressure. I explained to her about my arm and she said that she didn't think my arm had to do with my high blood pressure. She said it was good that I came in to have everything looked at.

The good news is my arm pain is NOT due to my blood pressure. The doctor said it's Medial Epicondylitis. Haha, when she said what was wrong with my arm, I immediately knew what it was and what is wrong. :) FYI, generally arm pain for a heart attack or stroke would be in the left arm, duh!

The bad news is that I have been put on blood pressure medication until further notice. I have a follow up in a month. But, that's okay.

She stated even losing weight (even as little as 5lbs) could bring down my blood pressure.
Operation Brandy NEEDS to lose weight is on. I have to commit to this, I have to. I don't want health problems. I want my knee to stop hurting. I don't want to take medication to control my blood pressure. I'm not going to become a maniac and diet excessively. I need to take it slow, putting too much pressure on my body right away, could still give me health problems.

I wonder why I'm more committed to walking in the dead of the summer than I am in the winter? I need to change that, even walking will help me. I need to make healthier choices in my eating habits. I am taking a nutrition class right now, I'm really learning a lot!

Okay, peeps, hold me accountable. I need all the accountability I can get!

Mr. Grumpy Gills

2009-10-29T20:47:00.000-04:00

Lately, I've been just plain cranky. My mouth has been bad and my attitude has been horrible. Poor Kristine and J has had to deal with the brunt of it. I blame it completely on stress from school.

I made the mistake of taking another class besides Anatomy & Physiology this semester. Some people can handle taking classes with A&P, I however cannot. I feel like I am constantly doing homework, studying for a test or lab test. I don't get a day's rest in between.

It usually happens every semester about half-way through, I start to lose motivation. I start to hate school. I start to care less about an education and it's just because I'm so burnt out from my classes. That time is now. I'm exhausted!

Anatomy is a hard class. It's a lot of memorization and I think my stress is multiplied when my professor only teaches half the time. He started off the semester cussing something fierce. He stopped doing that for a short time, but now he seems to be back at it again. On top of only half teaching Anatomy, he's wasted my class time by watching videos on YouTube like UFC Fighting, Bon Jovi, the world's biggest zit, etc. He starts to teach, but then goes off to a whole different subject. He always has a story to tell us, 90% of the time it has NOTHING to do with this Anatomy class that is costing me about $700.

This past Tuesday, I came very close to just walking out of his class. Because apparently watching two Bon Jovi videos wasn't enough, we had to watch some Aerosmith as well, 25 minutes after class was supposed to start, he decided to teach. Ultimately all this teaching he's doing (or lack of) is really affecting me. I know I can learn this stuff, but I need a little guidance along the way from a professor.

I'm seriously at my wit's end right now with him and I'm dreading going to class. It's a test night, normally on test nights, we take the test and we get to leave. Not so much in this class. He does not give us the test until he's told us at least two very long stories that once again have nothing to do with anything. He gives us the test, proceeds to talk through most of it. Oh and let's not even begin on the subject of how offensive he is or how he talks about people in the class and mocks them.

Annoying.

At the end of the semester, we fill out evaluations on the professor. Yes, he may look good on paper, but does that mean he is capable of teaching a 200 level biology class.

Sorry, I needed to vent. I feel a smidgen better. I just have to try and not let it bother me. Strive for my good grades and never look back.

Domestic Violence

2009-10-21T08:29:00.000-04:00

This time of year, you start to see a lot of pink. Pink clothes, pink utensils, pink packaging on products we buy, pink ribbons, pink everywhere. All of this signifies Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Although, I feel this is something we should constantly think about, not just when October rolls around. October is the month to educate people on this issue.

I think Breast Cancer is a serious issue, I know people who have dealt with it. However, October is also known as other awareness issues. For my job, I always have to look up monthly awareness things for a newsletter I put together. Every month, I do to do a "theme" with my newsletter. My newsletter this month was "Tackling Hunger" month, which is also something that takes place in October.

But there's still one more awareness issue that hits to the very depth of my soul. October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Last year, I was attending college at the main campus and in the library, there are all these wooden cut outs of people who are painted red. These cut outs have no eyes, no distinguishing marks. But taped to each of their chests is a story of someone who has lost their life to domestic violence. I remember seeing them last year and my heart just aching as I ran my hand over a stranger's story. It ached because it was something my mother was experiencing in her life.

She's gone now. She's been gone about a month and a half. Her death is probably being ruled an accident. However, my sister, myself, and anybody else who knew her, knew her situation knows it wasn't an accident. Maybe it was, but she was fighting with her abusive husband when it happened. My mother has become one of those faceless women that is plastered all over my college. A constant reminder of her sufferings.

Here are some chilling stats for you to soak in, taken from http://www.azcadv.org/, although they aren't too current. I'm sure the statistics have risen. :

An estimated 4.5 million physical assaults are committed against U.S. women by intimate partners annually.
Eight-five percent of domestic violence victims are women.
Violence against women is present in every country, cutting across boundaries of culture, class, education, income, ethnicity, and age.
On average, more than three women are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends in this country everyday.

If this is happening to you, get help. There are resources out there to help you get away, help you start a new life. Don't think this person loves you, even though they are beating you. They don't. No matter what happened, my mother wouldn't leave him. She did once momentarily, but went back to him. She once told me that he beat her up so bad one Christmas, that she thought she was going to die. From that point forward, she told me she never celebrated Christmas because she always remembered that one beating.

My mother swore her husband loved her, swore he didn't mean to hit her. He, himself, told me how much he loved my mother, how much he loved God. I told him if he loved my mother as well as God, he wouldn't be beating my mother. She never got help. Now, she is dead...

Old age is a comin'

2009-10-14T00:49:00.001-04:00

I've been thinking over the past few days that I'm getting old. I'm 32 and feeling every bit of it and sometimes more. As the days go by, I realize that I am getting older. That is part of life. However, I'm starting to notice the things that come with being older.

My bones are creaking and starting to ache.
I noticed that I am making sounds when I sit/lay down or get up. They consist of moans and sighs.
Instead of picking at pimples (which I still have), I try to count the age spots I have.
One day about a month ago, I found my first gray hair. I have a small trace of blonde in my hair and thought maybe this one piece of hair was blonde. It wasn't, it was gray. Extremely gray. I was in the car with Kristine at the time and literally threw a fit so bad I brought on the tears. Oh yes folks, I cried over a gray hair.
I've decided that having dentures seems like a way better way to live than to deal with any more pain from dental work.
I actually looked a few days ago for what age women should get mammograms. It's when you turn 40 by the way. :)
I would rather spend the night in, away from people, especially teenagers, than going out.
My idea of a good time is curling up with a great book and some coffee.
I'm closer to menopause now. And sometimes in the heat of the summer when it's just gross outside, I wonder how I will ever be able to handle the hot flashes when I hate the heat.
Retirement has become something important to me over the years. I want to make sure that I'm set when the time does come to retire.
I enjoy nothing more than making a fresh pot of coffee, sitting down at the kitchen table, and reading my morning paper. It's something I really look forward to on Sunday mornings.
I think the years of going to concerts have gotten to me and I might be losing my hearing. Oh boy, before you know it, I will need hearing aides.

I am sure there are other things that make me feel old, but these are just a few. I once said I would never lie about my age. Sometimes it's hard to believe I'm 32 years old. Where has the time gone? I would say that I've aged well, a lot of people tell me I look like I'm in my mid to late 20's. The thought of getting older scares me, but it also comforts me as well. I know my old age is going to be good and I think I'm prepared for it.

But the gray hairs can stay far, far away! :)

Goodbye, you evil little things!

2009-10-09T16:30:00.000-04:00

I have a MAJOR announcement.

If you know me, you know that I'm not the most financially stable person. I have made mistakes in my past that I am still paying for financial wise. However as I have gotten older, I have finally started getting better at my money. I'm not in the clear, but I am doing so much better.

As of October 2nd, I officially have no more credit card debt! Seriously, I have been paying those things down for what seems like forever. And now, I do not have any more credit card debt! I decided I am going to do without credit cards for awhile. I've been living without them for awhile, just paying on the bill. I can't believe it. I still have school loans and a car loan, however, that is it, nothing else!

Goodbye stupid credit cards.
Goodbye crazy interest rates.
Goodbye bill collectors calling me.

Goodbye to American Consumer Credit, they helped me pay off the credit cards.
Goodbye, Mr. Visa, you are evil! And you will strangle me no more!

I miss...

2009-10-01T20:57:00.000-04:00

It's this time of year, when my heart really starts hurting for the fall season. I always said that Spring was my favorite season, but more and more every year, it's becoming fall. Fall is not something we experience too much in Arizona. Sure, northern Arizona does have all the seasons. Fall in Arizona is NOTHING like fall back in the Midwest or East Coast.

This past weekend, Kristine, her mom, and I went up to Payson to do a surprise visit with our friend, Christi. I sat in the backseat and just watched the scenery. The trees were still green, but when we got to Payson, there was one lonely tree that had changed colors and it's leaves were yellow. That really made my heart hurt worse. I put my head up against the window and tried to remember fall back in Indiana. I used to hate it when it turned fall because I knew the snow was soon to come.

But now, 12 years of being away from Indiana, I miss fall so badly every year. And as the years go by, I yearn for it more and more.

I miss the changing of the leaves.

I miss the crisp, cool air.

I miss bundling up for the fall season.

I miss the sound of leaves and branches cracking under my feet.

I miss raking leaves into a big pile and falling into them.

I miss the smell of burning leaves.

I miss the blustery fall days that are rainy that just makes you want to curl up with a blanket, a book, and some hot cocoa.

I miss watching Notre Dame football games on TV. Yes, I do that now, but it's just different when you're in the same state of the team you're rooting for.

I miss this...

And I really miss this...(that's an actual house from Michigan City)

Quote of the day: " Every leaf speaks bliss to me, fluttering from the autumn tree." ~Emily Bronte

Where is Stacy and Clint?

2009-09-28T08:44:00.000-04:00

So, whether you know me now, knew me back then, whatever, you can definitely say I'm not a girly-girl. I have always been more of a casual, tomboy type and will openly admit I love to just wear tennis shoes and jeans.

I don't wear make-up, people have told me that my skin in beautiful without it and I don't want to take the time to put it on.

I don't take a lot of time to get ready. I'm what someone would call low maintenance. I have curly hair and can just generally just throw some mousse in it and be done.

I have gotten better over the years. But still need some improvement. But I am comfortable in jeans everyday and wouldn't trade in my shoes for anything.

For awhile now, Kristine has been trying to "girl" me up a little. Even if it just means that I have feminine top on, nice jeans and some dress shoes. I finally gave in for a few reasons: I am okay with trying new things, I just need to eased into it, you try to throw me into something, I will guarantee to freak out and have an anxiety attack. I do need a better wardrobe for work purposes.

So, this weekend, I set out with Kristine and her mom to purchase some new clothes. I had gone out Friday night to find some basic black and brown shoes. One's that weren't too dressy, but ones I could wear with slacks or jeans. My shopping experience on Friday was not good and it left me frustrated. I had already gotten a few tops with Kristine's approval and was beginning to feel like I was on "What Not to Wear." She critiqued me (in a good way, of course) about what I was trying on. I grabbed what I thought was a cute top off of the clearance rack and she abruptly told me no. It was then I was wondering when Stacy and Clinton were going to pop out.

My jeans I wear are somewhat new, but they are baggy on me. I try to go down the next size and they are way too tight. So, I found some jeans that somewhat fit (too baggy), but I didn't know of a lot of places that carried jeans for thick-chicks where the jeans actually fit well. We went to Avenue this weekend, which is a plus size clothing store and was scared to try on jeans with Kristine. I was afraid they wouldn't fit and I would just make a complete fool out of myself. I told her my size, she grabbed me the next size down and told me to go try them on. Hooray for me, they fit! And they fit good.

Kristine tried desperately just to get me to try on a skirt in the store. You would of thought I was a child by the hissy fit I threw. But, I got my way, no skirt for me. :) Shopping trips over, and all together, I got 4 shirts, a new pair of jeans, a pair of dressy brown shoes that can be worn with jeans or slacks for about $100.

It's a small start for me. The clothes are all out of my comfort zone for me. But, yesterday as I got dressed for church, Kristine's face lit up. I actually looked girly yesterday. I felt odd, very odd. I felt as though everyone was staring at me. And my feet hurt from the shoes yesterday. One of them just needs to be stretched just a smidgen by the toe.

But, I heard the price of beauty is painful and the shoes proved it yesterday! But I will start looking at more girly tops in the future and I do need to get some good slacks and some black shoes.

By the way, Kristine is LOVING this. :)

Hey, there's styrofoam in there!

2009-09-19T10:24:00.000-04:00

I want to start off this entry by saying thank you for all of your encouragement and condolences regarding my mother's death. The outpouring of love I have received in a week's time has probably been the most I have received in a long time. You have all humbled me in one way or another and it has really helped me through the grieving process.

My close friends, Martha, Heather, and especially Kristine, have really pulled me through this crazy time. They are the few who actually know the full details regarding what happened on the day she died. Martha let me cry to her on the phone. Kristine just hugged me and let me cry, then soothed my tears over a Dairy Queen Blizzard. And although Heather lives thousand of miles away, our bond is strong and she called me the second she heard the news. Bringing tears to my eyes just by hearing her voice.

It has still been a hard week, I've hard a hard time concentrating on various things. Since I heard about the news of my mother's death, my sleeping patterns have gotten all crazy. And in a week's time, I've probably only got about 15 hours total of sleep. Not a lot, that is for sure.

Lack of sleep, two huge tests in my Anatomy class and the passing of my mother has my brain all full of just mush. My brain is so full of things that on Wednesday, I got into a car accident. An accident that was my fault. I wasn't text messaging and I wasn't playing with my radio, I just wasn't paying attention. It wasn't a major accident and everyone is okay. But I was too close to the car in front of me at a stop light. She went to go, but then stopped. I saw her going and proceeded to put my foot on the gas. Ah, but I was too close to her and proceeded to hit her SUV and her trailer hitch went into my hood/front bumper. She was understanding and we exchanged information. Lucky for me, the cops were not called. If they had been called, I would of gotten a ticket. Her vehicle is actually good, my car got the most damage. Once I called my insurance agent, I accept full responsibility. It was after all, the honest thing to do, the accident was my fault. I've had State Farm since I was 16 and they really helped me and were not upset when I admitted fault. The title of my post has something to do with Styrofoam. There is a hole in my front bumper from the accident and when you look at it, you can see Styrofoam. It's the strangest thing ever and even Kristine was like, "Hey, there's Styrofoam in your car!" It seems like something so small, but it made me smile, which is what I needed. :)

Every day is a new day and every day gets a little better.

Hey, have I said thank you for everything? No seriously, thank you again. Thank you for the numerous emails, comments, phone calls and text messages I have received.

Bran

Quote of the day: " As each day comes to us refreshed and anew, so does my gratitude renew itself daily. The breaking of the sun over the horizon is my grateful heart dawning upon a blessed world." ~Adabella Radici

I never expected to care

2009-09-13T10:28:00.000-04:00

I never expected to care when I heard the news. It had been years since I had any type of contact with her. My life was going great, I was moving on from the hurt and pain she caused and realized I was better off without her in my life.

The her I am referring to is my mother, whom I affectionately refer to as her first name, Pam. And our relationship (or lack of) was an odd one. We didn't have a relationship. But not having her in my life has affected me more than I can ever begin to explain. But my mother was a severe alcoholic and was in an abusive marriage. She had no intention of getting help for either one. And so, I couldn't help her. We reconnected for a short time, but I eventually realized that I couldn't have a relationship with her. I was always the one keeping in contact with her, I was always the one working to keep the relationship going. She always used the excuse that she wasn't a good communicator, but my thinking was that if she cared at all, she would make the effort. It came to a point where I couldn't handle her or her situation any more and pushed her out of my life. It didn't take much, she made no effort to stay in my life.

Every day, there was a part of me that expected the news of her death. I always said I didn't know what would kill her first: the alcohol or her husband.

I had a great day on Friday. Kristine had a football game for school to attend. That left me and her son to hang out for the evening. Kristine took a nap after school so she would be refreshed for the game. She woke up discombobulated and I could see she was clearly out of it. She didn't tell me till later, that she felt something was wrong. Her son and I went to Tempe Town Lake to view the 9/11 Memorial. It was a good evening and we had a good time. So far, my day is still going good. Justin and I get some dinner and I help him look up something on the Internet.

In seconds, my world would change. I came into my room and logged into my email to find that my mother had passed away on Thursday. It didn't register at first, I had to re-read the first line of the message again, "Your mother died last night." The walls of my chest closed in again and I was struggling to breathe. I stood up and braced my desk. Moments later the tears fell. And they continued to fall for quite some time. She's gone, she's really gone. My mother is dead.

The details to her death are haunting me and will for some time. Her death is under investigation and for respect of Pam, I'm not going to write what happened. As of right now, I still don't know her death was caused by her drinking or her husband.

I tried to save her from the live she lived.

I tried to get her to stop drinking.

I tried to get her to leave her husband who was abusing her. I even had the phone number of a police station near her as well as a battered women's shelter for when she decided she was ready.

I tried to get her on a plane for a visit in Arizona. But I knew I wasn't going to let her get back on the plane to Michigan. She never came, instead she ended up in the hospital.

I tried to tell her about Jesus. I bought her a Bible, she said it was a nice book and looked colorful on the bookshelf.

I tried to have a relationship with her.

I tried, I tried, I tried. And now she's gone and it's too late.

I have experienced a lot of things in the 32 years I have been alive. Different kinds of pain. Both of my grandparents who raised me have died. But the pain I am experiencing is a whole new level that I have never felt before.

The pain of losing an actual parent. It hurts. It hurts really bad. It hurts like nothing I have known before. Yesterday at the doctor's office, the nurse asked me if both of my parents were still alive. I hestitated and swallowed the lump that suddenly appeared in my throat and said, "No. My mother just died."

I never expected to care so much about the death of woman that I really didn't know. I never expected to grieve for losing her twice (once for our relationship and now her death).

She was 55 years old and is no longer suffering from the life that held her captive.

Spirit of America

2009-09-11T03:00:00.000-04:00

This article was posted 9/2001 shortly after September 11th happened. I was very moved by this article. In fact, 8 years later, I still have a copy of this article. It may bring back hurt, it may bring back memories, but the Spirit of America is still alive and strong. I always feel a great sense of pride when I see a flag.

We live in a country that is free and we are only free because every day people risk their lives to keep our freedom. So, I thank you. I thank you if you have ever served in our Armed Forces. I thank you to those who are policemen or firemen. I thank you if you work in the medical field. I thank you if you have a family member serving or has served. I thank those who took the biggest risk of all and lost their lives in the line of duty.

8 years later, the memory of that day still lives on. We will never forget.

The Spirit of America

By: Richard Roeper, Chicago Sun Times

I am the spirit of America.
I am the Stars and Stripes waving proudly from homes, schools, office buildings and government centers.
I am New York City Fire Chief Peter J. Ganci Jr., Deputy Fire Commissioner William Feehan, Second-in-Command Tom Von Essen and Rev. Mychal Judge.
I am the hundreds of yet-unnamed firefighters, police officers and Port Authority officers who are missing and will not be found.
I am the men and women who knew they were going to die and thus jumped,choosing to have some measure of control over the last breath of their lives.
I am the thousands of volunteers who have rolled up their sleeves and donned surgical masks to aid the workers digging through the incomprehensible rubble and debris in lower Manhattan.
I am Michael Benfante, 22, and John Cerqueria, 36, who carried a disabled woman down 68 floors of a World Trade Center stairwell and placed the woman in an emergency van.
I am the passengers aboard United Airlines Flight 93 who fought with their hijackers and brought down the plane outside Pittsburgh, 250 miles from its intended target in Washington, DC.
I am the dozens of passengers aboard the other hijacked planes who called loved ones to say goodbye, or tried to alert authorities.
I am President George W. Bush, doing and saying the right things in the face of an unprecedented national tragedy.
I am former President Bill Clinton and former Vice President Al Gore,voicing unconditional support for the President.
I am the members of Congress, standing united on the steps of the U.S. Capitol and spontaneously breaking into God Bless America.
I am New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani, wearing a cap and sweat shirt emblazoned with the logo of the New York City Fire Department, standing strong, calm and forceful while addressing the city.
I am the loved ones who are holding up photos on television, pasting leaflets on the side of TV news vans, and keeping vigil in the faint hopes that their mother, their father, their child, will be found.
I am the crowds lining the streets of lower Manhattan, cheering the rescue workers and truck drivers and technicians heading to the disaster site.
I am the nurses and doctors who have come to New York City to help.
I am the millions of Americans who have reached out to friends with e-mails and phone calls to say, "I hope you’re all right, and I hope you didn’t lose anyone close to you. And if I haven’t said it lately, I love you."
I am the thousands upon thousands of Americans in Los Angeles and Denver and Phoenix and Detroit and Philadelphia who have lined up to donate blood.
I am the electric ribbon of red, white, and blue rimming the top of the John Hancock Center on a September night.
I am the New Yorkers who have laid flowers and hand-scribbled words of mourning at the site of the disaster.
I am the construction workers who fashioned stretchers from materials at their nearby work sites and joined the firefighters and the police in rescue efforts.
I am the Chicago-area firefighters who rode in a caravan of recreational vehicles and sport utility vehicles to New York to offer assistance to their colleagues.
I am the people gathered at Riverfront Park in Spokane, Washington, singing Amazing Grace.
I am the business professionals who have donated coffee, food, hotel rooms, phones, and other services.
I am the journalists covered in soot and risking their own safety so they can tell the world what has happened.
I am the camera operators who stood strong and took video and still photographs, even as people around them ran for their lives.
I am General Electric, donating $10 million to the families of emergency workers who have lost their lives.
I am the investigators who are working swiftly and with precision to identify the terrorists and their accomplices.
I am the Pentagon workers who aren’t coming home.
I am Ronnie Clifford, who was trying to save a woman’s life outside the first tower, even as his own sister was aboard the United Airlines plane that was about to hit the second tower.
I am the rescue personnel who toil to the point of exhaustion, take a break and then get back to the most grisly and heartbreaking work imaginable.
I am the millions of Americans who will mourn, weep, pray, and never forget.
I am the spirit of America, and I am alive and strong, and you can never kill me.

Listen very carefully

2009-09-05T03:00:00.000-04:00

This is a very important message and you have to read it and then re-read it again. And just for good measure, re-read it a few more times. Lock this message up in your brain and don't forget it.

Are you ready? I want to be sure you're ready for this. Go ahead and get ready, I will wait...

Listen very carefully...

Today is of the official start of my team's college football season. I can't believe it's here and so now these two very important words you must remember and shout at the top of your lungs:

GO IRISH!

Whoa, hold onto your hats folks...

2009-09-01T11:14:00.000-04:00

This is an actual update! I remember the days of blogging where I used to blog every other day. Sometimes it was thoughtful posts, sometimes it was an update as to what is happening in my life, and sometimes it was just a post of pictures I had taken. But somewhere along the way, I lost the want to blog. I have recently been wanting to blog again. I remembered last week that Heather and I agreed that when I pass, this blog as well as my private one are going to be put together into a memoir of sorts. So, I should keep up on the blogs. Even if it's an update like this one. Beware folks, it will probably be long. :)

It's very early (5 a.m.). I was just laying in bed and decided to actually get up and blog. Okay, here's the update in my favorite form of posting, bullet points.

School has officially started and I have to admit, I started studying for my Anatomy & Physiology class a few days before school even started. I know, I am a total NERD. However, this is my 2nd time taking this class. I need to buckle down and ensure I actually pass it this time. I feel refreshed and ready to get back into the swing of things. I feel more confident about this class, maybe it's because I have taken it before? This is the first time my professor has taught BIO201 and the second he said that, I started stressing. And although every teacher needs to have a chance teaching their first class and he seems to know his stuff, he cusses like an absolute sailor. Which I am struggling with. I will tough it out and keep this class, I'm not dropping it. However, it's very unprofessional and downright disturbing that this man can't hold a conversation without cussing. I am also taking Nutrition, that doesn't start till next week.
I always say that I will be 90 when I finally get a degree in nursing. But I sat down last week and looked at my classes that I still need to take. And if I am reading this correctly, I only have 2 classes left to take before I can apply for the nursing program. The other two classes I have can be taken while I am on the wait list. I got a renewed sense of energy when I saw that. I might see a light of taking pre-requisites classes in my vision. I am going to run to school tomorrow and talk to a counselor just to ensure I am understanding that correctly.
Speaking of being a nurse. I would love to work at a hospital, even I don't have a nursing degree yet, working in a hospital would be something that I would love. And if I work at a hospital, they generally have a nursing program for their employees. From what I have heard from hospital employees, the nursing program wait list is usually shorter. I am not 100% sure, but the door to the medical field and getting into a hospital nursing program may be creaking open. Last week I received a phone call from a guy who used to work at my office. He called to ask me a question about something with AHCCCS, but said he had been thinking of me lately and wanted to see how I was doing. He asked me about school and remembered I was doing nursing. He proceeds to tell me that a few months ago, he was hired as the head over Admissions at Phoenix Baptist Hospital and they have a nursing program. And he also says very casually that if anyone applied for a position at the hospital, he has quite a bit of pull and could probably get them a job. Do you see where this is going? I am praying about it, thinking about having lunch with him to get questions answered. I did look at the site, they are hiring for a few things I am qualified for. But I am honestly scared about leaving my current job. We all know the economy is not good and I am very thankful I have a job. But, there is no room for advancement in my company and no raises. It's not about the money, but when the cost of living goes up every year, as well as our health insurance, it makes it difficult to live. I am afraid to leave and go to a new job where I will be the "low man on the totem pole" and I could be laid off. I am not one for change and I'm perfectly content where I am. But I also know that this could be the opportunity I need to help me advance in my education. If you think about it, could you please pray for me and this situation? I know God will provide the way, but I am scared to step out of my AHCCCS box.
So, most people know this, but I will officially put the word out there. I am officially retiring from pet-sitting. Okay, I don't suppose I am fully retiring, but I am only keeping a few of my clients that I have had forever. I will no longer be taking any new clients/jobs. I have been doing this for 7 years and I'm tired. I can't begin to explain the miles I have put on my car in the 2 years since I have had it just from pet-sitting alone. It's difficult because of my school schedule to ensure I tend to animals as well. Almost 2 months ago, my friend was attacked by a dog. She was bitten pretty bad and I actually had to take her to the emergency room. But a few weeks ago, I was bitten as well. It was a small bite and didn't leave a mark. But it could of been worse. And after seeing everything my friend went through with the attack and the healing process and then me being bitten, it was when I decided I was done with pet-sitting. My few clients that I do have usually only need me in the summers, so I will keep them because I have pet-sit for them for 2 years or more. I have made commitments this month that I scheduled before I made this decision. I will do these jobs and then be done with it until next summer when my regulars need me. I will eventually retire all together, because when I get out on my own, I want to get a dog of my own. Then the pet-sitter will need a pet-sitter for when I go out of town.

Okay, I could write more. But I shall depart you for now. I need coffee!

Quote of the day: "Our lives improve only when we take chances and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves." ~Walter Anderson

Where does your loyalty stand?

2009-08-24T23:54:00.000-04:00

I've always been a sports fan. I remember growing up and always watching sports. I mostly watched basketball and college football. But as I got older, my interest in sports kinda faded until the past couple of years. Someone re-ignited my passion for sports and I started following teams again. I started following baseball in the beginning for the sole reason that a boy I liked was a loyal Yankees fan. But after quite some time of watching the games, something started happening. I started getting involved in the games, started checking the website, started rooting for the Yankees. And I don't care what you say, how much you hate them, I'm a fan. Every year my allegiance grows stronger for them.

There is one team I have been faithful to for many years now. That would be my Notre Dame Fighting Irish. When football season comes around, I become a maniac. I will catch as many games that I can and will absolutely scream my lungs out cheering for my team. I love my Irish. Even though the team hasn't been the best since Lou Holtz retired. I still follow them, my loyalty is to them.

This weekend in church, we had a sermon on loyalty. The pastor talked about loyalty to sports, your job, relationships, etc. He stated that loyalty is simply faithfulness, no matter what. Regardless of setbacks, frustrations, disappointments, you remain loyal to something. He brought up relationships, I fought back tears as I recalled friends who weren't loyal to me and was reminded of friendships where I wasn't loyal to them either.

He then asked, "Are you loyal to your church?" Hmmm...am I loyal to my church? In some aspects, I am as loyal as they come. But in other things, I'm not so loyal to the place I call home. For reasons left unsaid, my loyalty falters in one area. It's something I refuse to give in to. That got me thinking, could I be more loyal to my church? Or the question I am asking, am I willing to be 100% loyal to my church?

He also asked, "Are you loyal to God?" Oh man, my brain was already turning, but then he said this. Am I loyal to God? Yes. Am I as loyal to God as I should be? Unfortunately, no. It's an area I need improvement in. I started thinking while I was in church, why am I more loyal to a football team or to a friendship, than I am to God? Where did my boundaries get blurred?

Cal said your loyalty is tested during times, especially bad times. During times when another job is offering you more money for a job that you won't like. During times when your spouse has been unfaithful. During times when a friend betrayed you. During times when your church is going through change. And to be loyal to to something requires something that is bigger than ourselves, someone who is greater than ourselves and to even bring on the difficult times to test our loyalty.

It has taken me days to write this blog, partly in reason, that I it has really been weighing me down in a lot of ways. The main thing I have been struggling with is what would I do when I fail Jesus? God is always faithful and will remain loyal to us. But when you actually fail Jesus, what does one do?

I know I have failed Him many times, but each time I've failed Him, He took a hold of my hand and said it would be okay and that he still loved me. There are times when I feel I've failed so badly, that I will never be forgiven. I have used up my last chance with God. But I am reminded of the grace and mercy of God. No matter how many times I screw up, how many times I lose, God's loyalty to me never fails.

Quote of the day: "Do not let loyalty and faithfulness forsake you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart."

The Last Goodnights

2009-08-12T22:23:00.000-04:00

A few days ago, I finished a book called "The Last Goodnights" by John West. When I went to the library and saw this book, it was the subtitle that caught my eye, "Assisting my parents with their suicides". I was immediately intrigued as I read the inside cover. I am not for assisted suicides, but became perplexed to find out that he actually did help his parents with suicide.

My mind started racing with thoughts like how does he cope with everything? The book is about his parents who are very respected people in the medical field and want to die with dignity. His father has cancer that is ravishing is body. Before his father gets too sick, he pulls his son aside and tells him his request. His request to end his life and that he wants his son to help him. At first, the son was riddled with guilt and shame about ending his father's life. But as the cancer worsened, the son had no problems helping ending his father's life.

The father being a doctor was able to get prescriptions for all kinds of things. And ultimately what happened is the father overdosed on medication purposely to end his life. His son was right there with him, helping him take the medication. I didn't seem too bothered by the dad's death.

The mother on the other hand had a few health problems, but physically was in pretty good shape. She developed Alzheimer's and her memory began to fade. Early on in the diagnosis, she was still pretty sharp and told her son that she wanting him to help with her death as well. They constantly talked about "The Plan", which is what they called it. As her memory left her, he kept reminding her about the plan. And six months later, she overdosed on medications as well. She took over 100 pills (various mixture of things) and just fell asleep and never woke up. The son, wound up falling asleep while waiting for her to pass, and dreamed that the medication wasn't working. So in his dream he decided to smother his mom until she stopped breathing. I was already disturbed by him helping her overdose, but became even more disturbed when he had that dream.

He never spoke of it to anyone until after his parents were long gone and even then, it was just close family members. In the book, he stated he didn't know what would happen to him once this book was published, but felt he needed to put it out there. Funny thing is, he's a lawyer.

After reading this book, I can't stop thinking about it. I can't imagine what he is going through. Growing up in an assisted living home, I've seem my fair share of suffering and death. In fact, I've seen more death than most people. I've seen an Alzheimer's patient who is so far gone, they remember nothing of the current time. Only memories from their past are all they possess. I've seen both of my grandparents take their last breath and was grateful when they were gone because they suffered no more. I've seen someone die from choking on their own blood. So parts of me could relate to that book and why he did what he did.

But another part of me was blown away completely. He ultimately killed his parents. I don't know if I could do that. I know my conscience would get the best of me and do me in. Now that I am a believer, I know that it's all in God's timing and He will take you when He's good and ready. Suffering or not, you're being kept alive for a reason.

So, what do you think? What would you do if you had a loved one that was so sick they weren't even the same person you knew? They were in a lot of pain physically or mentally and just wanted to end it all. If they asked you for help in their death, would you help them?

My answer is no, even after seeing everything I have seen and reading that book. But it definitely put everything into perspective.

August 5th

2009-08-05T08:52:00.000-04:00

I went to bed about 11:15 last night and fell into a deep sleep. But, I woke up at 12:35 a.m., August 5th. It happens every year at the same time, and it's been happening for the past 9 years.

On August 5th at 12:35 a.m. 2000, my grandmother took her last breath and passed from this earth. Last night, like every other year, I just laid there wondering why I always woke up at her time of death. Maybe it is because I was there with her when she died. I can't believe it's been 9 years already. I can still smell her perfume sometimes and it still hurts in the very depths of my soul.

Grief is not something that someone goes through quickly. Last year, the 8th year of her being gone, was the first year I wasn't a crying mess. I realized that crying wasn't going to do me any good and it wasn't going to bring her back. I don't just think about her on August 5th or on her birthday, I think about her every day. But still, when this date rolls around, I feel the pain of her loss. I guess there are different levels of grief, depending on the relationship. Yes, she was my grandma, but she was ultimately my mother, the one who raised me since I was very little. The only mother I ever knew.

She would be so proud to know the woman I've turned into, I am who she molded me to be. She tried very hard to turn me into a respectable person. Along the way, I gave her my own grief and rebelled as much as I could. I was disrespectful and would cuss at her. My version of rebelling was nothing too bad, because she kept just enough reign on me to yank me back if I started getting too out of control. Growing up with her was something I hated. But looking back at how she reared me, she did the best job and I am who I am because of her. But no matter what, she always provided for me. In the end, I was the one taking care and providing for her. It's funny how the table got turned and I went from daughter to parent immediately. I do so many things that remind me of my grandma. When she first died and I would do these things, it would make me mad or upset. Like twiddling my thumbs. My grandma did this all the time and it honestly drove me crazy. The first year after she died, I was sitting in church zoning out. The tears began to pour from my eyes as I looked down from my own hands realizing that I was now twiddling my thumbs as well. I have recently been missing her hands. I used to love her hands and I can still feel them.

I wish she was alive to see how I found God and how much I have changed just by surrendering my life to Christ. She would be so proud that I am who she wanted me to be and I follow Christ. The stupid decisions I've made with some men in my life wouldn't of been made, she wouldn't of allowed it. Our family, though not perfect, have kinda all done our own thing now that the head of our family is gone. If she was still alive, the family would be so different. We would still be a family. My family dynamic is hard to explain and very few people actually understand everything. But if she was here, we would of all made an effort to still be united.

Oh she would of doted over all the children being born, especially the great-grandchildren that has been born since she passed. She would of spoiled every single one of them unconditionally and made them feel love that only a great-grandmother could show. She would of cried at Rosie's wedding when she saw how beautiful Rosie looked in her gown. The family situation that happened with my two nieces and nephew would of never happened. She would of raised them herself. She would of helped Charlie when he was diagnosed as being Schizophrenic. That probably would of never happened if she was alive. Because she would of took him in, instead of him being pushed to various family members. I often ponder how life would be if she was still here.

I know it's best that she's gone, she suffered so horribly from the stroke. I was relieved when she took her last breath, because she had suffered so long and I couldn't take her hurting any more. But I still miss her. I still miss her hands stroking my hair when I didn't feel well. I miss her humming in my ear. I miss her sticking her tongue out at me. I miss her eccentric sense of style with her crazy Christmas sweaters and gold tennis shoes. I miss her telling me not so clean jokes and telling me to tell my friends. I miss her cooking and baking. I miss her love she gave to everyone, not just me.

Nine years later, I still miss her immensely.

I'm desperate for you

2009-07-25T13:15:00.000-04:00

Have you ever been so desperate for something? Anything?

Desperate to lose weight. Desperate to find a spouse. Desperate for a higher education. Desperate to make more money. Desperate to have the newest things. Desperate to feel accepted. Desperate to feel loved. Just so desperate for something, it doesn’t matter what it is. I admit to being one of these people as well.

Where does this type of desperation come from? The obvious answer is the world we live in. The media, as well as other things, have completely brainwashed people and they are literally obsessed with the newest fads. Romans 12:2 tells us not to give in to the world we live in. It’s funny, I sometimes see Christians forgetting about this very important verse. If we choose to be like the world we live in, then we become easily influenced to other things. Before you know it, you have lost focus on what really matters, GOD.

So tell me, where is the desperation for God in all of this? I don’t see it most of the time in my life. It's something I really struggle with. I have gotten better, but still need improvement. There is a song from Jars of Clay called “Love Song for a Savior”. The chorus says “I want to fall in love with you”. That song means falling in love with God completely, giving it all to Him. Why is that so hard for me to comprehend? Once you choose to fall in love with God, you fall in love with yourself. You deal with your self-esteem and realize God loves you no matter what you look like. You stop being stop being desperate for the world and you are only desperate for God. You realize that yes, you are single, but that might be God’s plan right now or forever even. You realize that the job you have been blessed with (regardless of money), is part of God’s plan and all the money you make is His anyways.

And you realize among other things, that who cares if you are accepted among a certain group of people. GOD ACCEPTS YOU. Wow! That's funny, someone actually accepts you for who you are? Do you want to know what I’m desperate for? What I yearn for? What I really want? Sure, on some days it might be like the rest of the world and follows the lines of the first paragraph. However, I am desperate to grow deeper with God. I find myself yearning and wanting more of Him. We should all have this wanting and not only seek him when troubles arise. Looking back at my life, especially the past year, I've fallen deeper in love with God, became more desperate for Him. His love, grace, and mercy were the only thing that was going to get me out of the darkness I struggled with.

I need to remember to keep my desperation for God.

Father God,

Like the song says, I'm desperate for you and I am so lost without you in my life. My life without you, makes no sense and I become desperate for worldly things. Help me to remember to keep my eyes focused on solely you, for you provide the nourishment of life. I pray that I don't get caught up in wanting bigger or better things, but to be fully satisfied with who I am in You, the things I have, the job I work for. Nothing else matters but you.

Awesome

2009-07-09T23:44:00.000-04:00

You've probably seen this, it's been circulating around the web for awhile.
Everytime I watch this, it makes me cry.

Find Me Here
Speak To Me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place where I find peace again.

You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose...you're everything.

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

You calm the storms, and you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall.
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Cause you're all I want, You're all I need
You're everything,everything
You're all I want your all I need
You're everything, everything.
You're all I want you're all I need.
You're everything, everything
You're all I want you're all I need, you're everything, everything.

And How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Goodbye...

2009-07-05T20:25:00.000-04:00

Goodbye sirens coming down my street at all hours of the day.

Goodbye lights from cop cars, fire trucks, and ambulances waking me up at night.

Goodbye NASTY downstairs neighbors with your 7 kids.

Goodbye “critters” that came along with the nasty neighbors. No matter how hard I tried to get rid of you, you refused to leave. I now believe that if the world ended, the only thing left would be cockroaches.

Goodbye kooky neighbor who always lined up the pine cones on our front wall, because you said it gave it a “decorated” feel.

Goodbye apartment management who always treated me and the rest of the complex like we were the stupidest people ever.

Goodbye maintenance who took forever to respond to our calls. Good job on patchin’ up that hole in my ceiling wall.

Goodbye scary canals riddled with gang signs and alcohol bottles.

Goodbye cathedral ceilings, although pretty to look at, you made the apartment crazy hot.

Goodbye cat vomit.

Goodbye patios that just keep getting painted over to make them look new, but are really falling apart.

Goodbye Cubs Spring Training Game traffic.

Goodbye nasty apartment complex and everything else I hated about you and goodbye Mesa! I will not miss either of you!

And hello, Gilbert!

A life quickly passed

2009-06-25T16:30:00.000-04:00

I worked with a man named Bobby in the ACTS ministry. And I will be honest in saying that I didn't know him too well. I never really had a conversation with him. But I knew who he was, I knew he had been homeless about 3 years ago. I knew that he started coming to ACTS as a guest and found Jesus along the way. I knew he came back to ACTS to volunteer to spread the love of Jesus to other homeless people.

Today, I attended Bobby's funeral. Last week, I received an email from someone at Central telling me that Bobby passed away. My heart instantly fell. He was 36, I think. Died of a heart attack.

And like I said, I didn't know him, but out of respect for him I felt I needed to attend his funeral.

Funerals are never good, but today, today was different. There were a lot of tears, but honestly, there seemed to be more laughter. Because as someone put it, we came to celebrate the life of Bobby. Some of his family and friends spoke. They all said the same thing, Bobby was one ornery man and how each of them learned various things like patience, forgiveness, and grace from this man. They all told funny stories about him and through tears, they all shared how much he loved everyone. How amazing he truly was.

He's always had heart problems and came to ACTS over three years ago broken and beaten. He had just had heart surgery and was addicted to Crystal Meth. Through two ladies, who took the time to love him, pray for him, he managed to get his life together and get off of drugs. He surrendered his life to Jesus and was baptized just over two years ago. One of the ladies spoke how he loved to talk about Jesus to people, he loved to invite them to church.

During the entire service, I wondered about his family. I didn't know any of them and wasn't sure if any of them were believers. They spoke about how they tried to help him, but he wasn't ready for help. But then came to ACTS and got help from the ministry. As people spoke about his love for Jesus, I couldn't help wonder if his decision to follow Christ impacted his family. Are they following God because of him? Did they all think he was crazy for following God? I honestly don't know.

I am not normally an emotional person and I have gotten pretty good about keeping it together at funerals. But, they showed his baptism video. There were many family members who hadn't seen Bobby in many years and today watching his baptism, was the first time in a long time they had seen him. I think it made it more real and watching his baptism and that is what brought the tears on, not just with me. I believe the entire chapel was crying. It was noted that after he was baptized, he actually received a standing ovation that day.

When they asked him if he accepted Jesus as his Lord and Savior, his response was, "You betcha."

I could only pray that his faith in Jesus made an impact on his family. And if they didn't follow Christ, they decide to after watching that amazing baptism.

He will be missed here on Earth. I already felt the void of him being gone this past Saturday at ACTS. But, I'm kind of jealous of Bobby right now, he's in Heaven, living the good life with Jesus.

Hopefully when his family passes away, they will be right up there with him.

Quote of the day: "How blessed I am to have known someone who it was so hard to say goodbye to."

Oh Dad

2009-06-22T10:20:00.001-04:00

I'm not going to go into detail on this blog about my dad, but if you know me, you know I have parent issues. My relationship with them is strained. I do try to talk to my dad on a monthly basis, but we aren't really close.

Holidays like Father's Day is a difficult one for me. Especially in the card department. All the cards usually say, "Oh dad, you've always been there for me." or "When I was little, you would put me on top of your shoulders." Blah, blah, blah. None of that stuff is true, so needless to say, my dad usually gets a generic Father's Day card. I try to be a good daughter, even though I'm generally the parent in our relationship, and even call him on Father's Day to wish him a good day. I try my hardest to play the part of a good daughter.

Yesterday, that was a mistake. From the moment he picked up the phone, he was just being a jerk to me. I could tell in his voice he is still annoyed at me for not giving him money when he called me in May. Whatever, I am making the choice not to enable your habits. Our phone conversation ended quickly and I hung up very irritated at him. It's Father's Day, a day we are to celebrate our dads. Instead, I was regretting the fact that I called him. Now, you might say if I knew he was going to be this way, why did you call? Well, because the next time we spoke, he would of made me feel bad by laying on the guilt trip about not calling him. Even though, in my eyes, he's hardly deserving of any praise about being a father. He still expects a phone call on this day.

Kristine reminded me that even though he was hurtful, I was the bigger person by still calling him and that is all that mattered. I spent a good portion of my morning annoyed at my dad because he managed to dampen Father's Day.

But as I left the house, my attitude started to go away. I can't change my father, and I just have to try to love him as much as I can. Even though, he makes it extremely difficult all the time. I still wish for a perfect dad, a perfect mother. But, I realize that God had a plan and ultimately I was so much better off with my grandparents than I would of been with my mom and dad. I realize no parents are perfect, but mine are a little more flawed than most.

Anyways, I spent the rest of the day watching a kid I know get baptized. Julie treated me to a lovely lunch at Texas Roadhouse, and my afternoon/evening was spent hanging with the Kambergs. So, even though I had a bad start to the morning, the day ended perfect! I hope everyone had a fantastic Father's Day.

Hey, guess who is moving soon?!?!? *Stands up and waves* Yes, that would be me. I'm so ready and it's so time. I might have to employ a few men to help me move my bed. It's the only thing I need help with and I very well could be moving this weekend. Oh joy.

Movin' on

2009-06-08T10:22:00.000-04:00

Last Monday, I announced that I was ready to change my moving situation. For reasons left unsaid, I have to move to keep my sanity. If you know me, then you know the dealio. But I am excited about this new adventure that God has provided me. After much prompting from Kristine, we decided that I will move in with her for 2-3 months to save some money. God blessed her with a three bedroom house and she has affectionately called the third bedroom the "Transition room". It's a room that people can use as a temporary basis until they transition to the next change.

Not only will I be saving money, but I will also be living with one of my best friends. I am getting more and more excited about this. God is giving us another opportunity to strengthen our friendship. It will be a good situation. I am moving to Gilbert. I hope to find an apartment there or in Chandler. My life seems to revolve around the SE valley right now and I'm honestly just sick of living in the area of Mesa I am in now. It's time for a change in many ways.

With moving comes the nasty task of packing. I am already sporting battle wounds from purging, packing. I have numerous bruises on my legs and a cut from a cardboard box on my thumb. I always get wounded when I start packing, moving, etc.

I decided to get a storage bin to store everything. I was going to use a friend's shop to store things, but I just don't want to feel like a burden. I have a small storage bin, 5x5. I am only packing a few things, everything else I am getting rid of. Any furniture I have is either going with my roommate or to Goodwill. I am only keeping my bed and bookcase. So, I am purging like crazy.

I really don't have much anyways, I don't even have a vacuum cleaner. You know what that means, when I do get my own apartment...everyone is invited to a housewarming party! :)

One more thing, on a side note. I am still in counseling for whatever issues going on in my head. I have an appointment with him this morning. I do believe it might be time to move on from him as well. I really don't know why I am going today. I really have nothing bad going on in my life. Life has been great, no dark days. I'm pretty sure he is going to tell me the same thing if not today, soon! Looking back to a year ago when I really started struggling with the fact something was wrong with me, God pulled me through it all. He got me here to where I am right now, happy, grateful to be alive. He surrounded me with people who just loved me despite my many faults.

He is so good!
Have a great day everyone!

Quote of the day: "Happiness pulses with every beat of my heart." Emily Logan Decens

Forgiveness

2009-05-22T21:16:00.000-04:00

The Bible talks a lot about the need to forgive people. It says we need to forgive "not 7 times" but 77 times, it doesn't literally mean we only give a person 77 chances, then the 78th chance, they are done. No more forgiveness can be given. It means we need to constantly be forgiving.

That's a great concept, it really is. However, it's not as easy as I wish it were. There are many people in my life that I still haven't forgiven. I do try, but I just can't seem to let the forgiveness go. It's the most difficult thing. And in order for me to fully love life, the forgiveness needs to happen.

But it's so hard. Wouldn't you agree? Forgiveness is not one of my better qualities. The hurt runs so deep from my sister telling me that I would be so beautiful if I would just lose weight, to the cheating that happened in my family that affected me directly and later I was the one cheated on from a boyfriend, to the fact that my mother and father pretty much abandoned me as a young child. And I had a great life growing up with my grandparents, but not actually having my mother and father around has affected me more than I can explain. Forgiveness for the three men I gave my heart, my whole self to, only for them each to break it and hand it back to me. Sadly to say, I think they have damaged me beyond repair. The friendships lost because of one thing or another. Forgiveness is not a word in my vocabulary and I honestly won't forget that one day you hurt me in some sort of way. I hold grudges.

A few months ago, we had a guest speaker at Central. He spoke about forgiveness. His sermon was so amazing, he made me and my friend want to move to Texas to attend his church. His story was a lot like mine in regards to parental abandonment. I know there's so much forgiving that needs to be done. After that sermon, I really began to think about someone, a friendship lost almost 8 months ago. I knew that I needed to ask forgiveness for the wrongs that I had done and also tell her I forgave her for everything as well.

It took me two months to sit down and write that email. But I did, last Sunday. I felt so relieved sending it. Not knowing what was going to come out of it, Sunday night I was anxious to get home and check my email for a response. Kristine told me not to wait for anything. That way if a response is received, then it will be a surprise. A few days later it arrived. All is forgiven on both sides. She forgave me as well. I cried when I read the email. It just proves that God is amazing and ever so faithful.

And it makes me realize that eventually, I will be able to forgive the hurt caused from other people and this was just the beginning.
Baby steps, Bran, baby steps...

Quote of the day: "To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you." ~Lewis B. Smedes

Actual update

2009-05-09T15:31:00.000-04:00

*Gasp* What is this? Is this an actual update? I haven't wrote a "happenings in my life" post in a long time. I decided today to do my bullet points to update.

I am in the process of moving all my blogs from Xanga to Blogger. It's taking me forever. I try to do a little every day. There are a lot of posts, that is for sure. It's literally moving four years of my life here. I just don't want to keep Xanga anymore, but I can't just delete the account. I have to move the posts first. But closing Xanga will be one less thing I have to check. It seems as though lately I have been all about simplifying my life. Closing two email accounts, starting fresh with just one. It's nice only checking one email. I deleted my Myspace account, I really wasn't using it. I have not missed it at all.
I am in a Bible study right now with 10 wonderful women. We are studying Captivating. We just started, but I can see that we are going to be bonding and the questions are really making me think. I am enjoying it.
I have been diligent about walking lately. I do 4 miles about three times week. Which equals 12 miles a week. The little things matter, like parking farther away than normal at a store, choosing the stairs instead of the elevator. My roomie finally bought the Wii. It's just so expensive, but it's definitely been a good investment. Everyday, I just hit 120 baseballs. I'm getting better, but it kicks my butt all over the place when I play. I get quite the workout just from swinging at the balls. I noticed yesterday that my stomach was getting smaller. Hello weight loss! So between the Wii, walking and the little things, my clothes are starting to get big on me. That makes me crazy excited.
Although my apartment is very clean, I have officially ghetto-fied it. In the living room, we have thermal curtains. They are meant to keep the heat out. They do help, but we have a big patio door (our apartment faces the west) where a lot of heat comes in. I am in the process of putting a blanket up covering the patio door. I already put one up in my room and will work on putting the other one today or tomorrow. I don't care what it looks like, it will help to keep it cool in the apartment. It gets really hot in our living/dining room.
I am going to take a second stab at Anatomy & Physiology in the fall semester. I need to take it again, and I need to pass the class. My friend, Philip, said he would help me get through A&P this coming semester. That's a good thing, I need all the help I can get. :)

That's all I have for today. Have a great weekend! Happy Mother's Day!

Quote of the day: "How is the life you're living NOW impacting others?" From my Captivating study guide

Eerie silence

2009-05-07T08:03:00.000-04:00

Monday at work, it was announced that after many budget reductions within AHCCCS, the agency will have to lay off some people, 82 to be exact. I give our director, Tony Rodgers props. He really cut expenses any way he could in order to avoid layoffs. Unfortunately AHCCCS is still millions of dollars in debt. It's just getting worse, because as people lose their jobs and benefits, they come to AHCCCS to receive medical care. It's a bad cycle.

When this was announced on Monday via email, my stomach fell. In the back of my mind I always knew that layoffs were going to hit us, but it stayed in the back of my mind until Monday. The layoffs are to be announced tomorrow. I'll be honest, I'm scared. Eighty-two people is a lot and roughly about 10% of our agency. They are not going by seniority, work performance. They are looking at positions to see how valuable they are to the agency. They don't care if you have been with the state for over 15 years, if they see your position is not needed, you're gone.

The sad thing is, this is just the first round of layoffs. The next round, if needed will come 6/2010.

I went into work yesterday, the first time being at the office since the announcement. It was heart breaking. I got caught up in the moment of the layoffs and only thought about me possibly losing my job. But there are a great deal of people being laid off. The floor I work on was quiet, in an eerie kind of way. Usually in the morning, you hear "Good mornings" along with other conversations. You smell coffee and breakfast obtained from the cafeteria. You hear radios, people on the phone, the fax machine. But yesterday, none of that was going on, it was all too quiet. One of my coworkers said it had been like that since the email on Monday. She admitted to me she hasn't been able to eat. She's a smoker and said that people who haven't smoked in years are outside smoking again. Grown men are filled with fear and their hands are shaking.

We are all sitting on pins and needles waiting for this announcement. We are all scared to death knowing that we could be laid off. I don't know what is worse, being forewarned and the whole waiting deal or not being notified and caught out of the blue. Our fate literally lies on that piece of sacred paper where every one's name is listed that is being laid off.

I went and talked to my boss yesterday, to see if she had any idea if one of my team members were being let go. She had no information for me, sadly she's just as scared as I am, no knowing what's going to happen.

Earlier in my state employment we went through a RIF (reduction in force), that was pretty hard. But that just meant the state was freezing any open positions that were open. We were not to hire anyone. But this layoff thing is a whole new thing.

Through the darkness of this right now, I'm completely blessed by my friends. If I were to lose my job and get to the point where I can't pay my bills, I've been offered a room from two different people for free. I won't go that route unless I have to, but it's great to know I have people who will take me in.

I'm trying not to stress about it, but how can you not?
Tomorrow is the day...the day I find out if I will still have a job.

Please pray for not only me, but for anyone else who will be affected. These people are mothers, fathers, husbands, wives, etc, losing their income.

Quote of the day: "This is going to hurt like hell..." lyric from one of Sarah's McLachlan's song, Hold On.

***Update 5/8/2009***
Layoffs happened yesterday at my job. It was not pretty; there were a lot of tears. It was the scariest day of my life so far. By only the grace of God my job was saved and I’m still employed.
Please, if you remember, pray for the families that were affected.

Relationships

2009-04-29T12:34:00.000-04:00

I've really been thinking about relationships in my life lately. How they have changed, some for the good, some for the bad. How people that I never intended to share my life with, I'm opening up to them in little ways. Or people that I did intend to share my life with, have drifted out making room for the new people. How I let myself only get close to a few people due to trust issues, but feel God's prompting to open up more. Let people see me for who I really am.

I read somewhere that our lives are not meant to go on without people in them. We need relationships. Whether it's with your mom or dad, your best girlfriend who just "gets" you, a sibling, or in my case a three year old that I see every week. In order to love life, fully love life, God puts people in your path to accompany you along the way.

The recent relationship changes to me have been:

A parent whose kids I've taken care of for many years at the church, reaches out to me when I publicly admit I am struggling with depression. I never saw her in my life until now, just thought I would be her kids Sunday school teacher, but although I haven't admitted this to her, I now feel connected to her in a some sort of way. Because we are on a journey of sorts together.
A classmate that I never really got to know last semester and only saw in class. I'm now getting to know him more and enjoying the person he is. Becoming more thankful for his friendship and the fact that our paths crossed in A&P class last semester.
A couple who I have always been friends with, but really embracing their friendship, their unconditional love for me now. No matter how many shortcomings I have or crazy paths I choose, they both have always supported me, loved me regardless.
A girlfriend who has always been one of my best friends, but now...we grew closer to each other just recently. We share our hopes, dreams, failures, tears, and so much more. I just love her being in my life, sharing it with her.
A three year old who has family problems. I allow myself to be goofy with her, no matter what. If it produces a smile from her sweet, sweet face, then it's worth it. I got her to open up to me, to trust me and now she's enjoying coming to class.
A homeless lady who manages to make me laugh hysterically when I see her. She's full of jokes. I have blogged about Chrissy before, she makes my day when I see her. Her hugs are genuine, and although her body is frail, I feel her love when she hugs me.

God is funny the way he puts people in your life sometimes. I just recently re-read "The Five People You Meet in Heaven", that book is such a reminder about how paths are crossed. The people that are in my life right now, are not ones that I had planned. But they just fit so well into the scheme of things.

Quote of the day: "Let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardenders who make our souls blossom." ~Marcel Proust

No worse pain

2009-04-23T21:59:00.001-04:00

I've decided that for me, there is no pain worse than a toothache or an ear ache. Over the years, I've had lots of bumps, bruises, gallstones, heel spurs, etc. I broke my arm when I was little, so I don't remember what that feels like. And I haven't had children, so I can say I know the pain of giving birth. But with everything I have experienced so far, I've determined that I hate tooth pain and ear pain.

Last September, I was struggling with getting over a nasty cold. I just constantly blew my nose because it wouldn't stop running. I went through so much tissue. About a week after my constant nose blowing, when I would blow my nose, my ear would pop. It would stay that way for about 20 minutes or so then go back to normal. Each time I blew my nose, my ear would pop for a longer amount of time. Until one day, it popped and stayed that way. Have you ever changed altitude and had your ears pop really bad to the point where it was very painful? That's what my ear constantly felt like. Three days of that pain and I was grabbing my ears and crying. I have a pretty high tolerance for pain, but I couldn't handle the earache. I went to to the doctor and they proceeded to tell me that I separated the tympanic membrane from the tube in my ear. The cause? Blowing my nose too hard. Yes, that can actually happen. Horrible, horrible pain.

The same goes for toothaches. I had my wisdom tooth pulled on Monday and five days later, I'm still experiencing some pain. I did call my dentist today and I was assured that it's probably not a dry socket and that I'm just experiencing pain from the surgery. I have a follow up on Monday. But I hate tooth pain. I haven't hardly eaten anything this week. And anything I ate has been soft food. But my appetite is not really there due to the pain in my mouth. I am just a mess. My sleeping is messed up, eating is messed up. I am ready for this pain to be gone, it's really annoying. And since I'm not eating, I'd better drop some pounds from this! By the way, my wisdom tooth was on top and it's kinda making my ear hurt just a smidgen. So, I'm getting a double dose. Gah!

How about you? What you do you think is your worse pain you have experienced?

That old me's dead and gone

2009-04-19T12:25:00.000-04:00

Two of my pals use lyrics from songs as their blog titles. I'm not normally a follower, but today I'm going to follow them and use a song lyric as my blog title.

I've noticed lately that I've lost my touch with blogging. I used to blog all the time, good, bad, whatever. I would just write. Writing is a way for me to sort all these crazy things out in my head. I just haven't felt like blogging and it's not because I'm going through a hard time. As Kristine pointed out on Friday night, it's the complete opposite. It's because I'm doing so fantastic.

For the past two weeks, numerous people have told me that I've changed, they see something different in me. And they all say it's something great, good. It's like I've become alive again, stress has been released from my shoulders. People said I am glowing, I have been smiling more, I'm the real me, the real Brandy God made. A few posts ago, I blogged about some growth I was going through. Well, I'm still experiencing the growth, but it's a growth spurt that has greatly helped me. It has opened up my eyes to so much. Just when I think I can't possibly grow any more, God proves me wrong and I experience so much more growth.

Have you ever had something in your life that has become unhealthy for you? It could be anything...food, people, relationships, drugs, alcohol. There are numerous things that are good, but they can also become unhealthy.

I have been struggling with something unhealthy for a long time. I've always known this wasn't good for me, but yet I choose to keep it in my life, making myself miserable in the meantime. For the longest time, mentally, I was a mess. This one thing that consumed my entire life, consumed my entire soul was so bad for me. People kept telling me to get rid of the unhealthy thing, but I couldn't do it.

About a month ago, I finally decided it was time for a change. It was time to release this one thing that has made me so sick mentally. I was scared, frightened. Not knowing where this unknown path was going to lead me. Too many tears have been shed over this, too, too many and I won't allow it anymore. But I knew for my own sanity and healing it was beyond time to accept this growth spurt as one that I needed. I had to trust God and know that like many times before, he would pull me through this. He would strengthen relationships with a few people in my life to support me through this. He would show that I will be okay, no I'll be great.

And all of that has happened. I did it, I finally got the one thing in my life that was mentally unhealthy for me, and let it go. Fully, let it go. Kristine has been the one who I've grown closer to, who has helped me through this. I miss this unhealthy thing, I really do, but I know that I'm going to be okay without it in my life. I haven't felt this good in so, so long.

I turn my head to the East, I don't see nobody by my side,

I turn my head to the West, still nobody in sight,

So, I turn my head to the North, swallow that pill they call pride,

That old me's dead and gone, but the new me will be alright.

Damaged Goods

2009-04-09T23:26:00.000-04:00

Although I'm a perfectionist, I'm far from perfect. I have issues. My issues are not as bad as some people, but still. I hold secrets, I've done things.

I'm suffering from depression, counseling has helped, but the thoughts of suicide ravish my brain.
I'm overweight, I have been all of my life. Doctors call it morbidly obese.
I had my fair share of pre-marital sex, one night stands included.
I judge people.
I throw stuff and cuss like a sailor when I'm angry.
I have so many people that I have yet to forgive. I still have to work on forgiving myself.
I hate people in my past. Yes, I said hate, it's been difficult to truly forgive people who have damaged me.
I have stolen.
I mismanaged my money, made financial mistakes that still haunt me.
Blah, blah, blah. The list could go on.

Basically, I'm what someone would call Damaged Goods. Oh yeah, I'm totally damaged goods. I bet you'll be able to find me at the bottom of the clearance bin, stuffed in the corner and dirty from everyone looking at me, but no one deciding to buy me. Eventually, I just got pushed down there while all of the non-damaged stuff got bought. I'm down at the bottom of that bin with all kinds of people.

Damaged goods, that's me to a tee. But you know what? So are you. We are all damaged goods in one way or another. We have all done things we are not proud of, we have all sinned. We all have one regret or another. We are all just a bunch of damaged goods waiting for someone to see the good in us, waiting for the one person who loves us unconditionally, no matter what has happened in our lives.

On the eve of Good Friday, I found myself pondering about this. Damaged goods is something that nobody wants to buy. Usually if it's a really good deal, people still won't buy them. Jesus hung out with all kinds of people who were damaged goods in the Bible. Some of them were his disciples, the people he confided in most.

I'm reminded of God's love for me, His love for you. He knows everything about me, including the stuff I refuse to admit to myself. And no matter what, he loves me. He beams proud when he thinks of me, when he thinks of you. God loves you, flaws included. He loves you so much that his son died to save us from all of our sins.

"This is how much God loved the world: He gave his one and only Son. And this is why: so that no one need be destroyed; by believing in him, anyone can have a whole and lasting life. God didn't go to all the trouble of sending his son merely to point an accusing finger, telling the world how bad it was. He came to help, to put the world right again." John 3:16-17 (Message)

So, remember Easter isn't about bunny rabbits and candy (although the Reece's Peanut Butter eggs are the bombdiggity), it's about Jesus dying on the cross that one day a long time ago. It's about him taking on our sins and wiping them clean with his grace and mercy. Don't get so caught up in the secular part of Easter, take time to really focus on the true meaning.

I imagine Him going into a store, going straight to the clearance bin, getting out every single item marked "Damaged Goods", piling them in His arms and saying to the cashier, "I'll take every single one of these. These are the ones I want."

Happy Easter, everyone!

Quitely, He will speak to me

2009-04-01T11:42:00.000-04:00

Sometimes when I am trying to process things in my head, I need to just get away from life, from the city. Yesterday was one of those days. I've been in a quiet mood, not really talking to anyone, not having the strength to deal with issues. After I got off of work yesterday, I already made my mind up that I was taking an adventure. I decided to drive up to Saguaro Lake. I've never been there, and I'm always up for excuses to take pictures.

I took my freshly charged camera, grabbed my favorite CD, and went on my way. I was ever so thankful that my cell phone had no service, I wanted to be left alone from the world I was trying to escape. I made sure I told Kristine where I was, just in case. But I took my sweet old time in my trip. Turning on every road along the way, stopping to enjoy the scenery and take pictures along the way. By the time I had gotten home, it was 4 1/2 hours later. I arrived at Saguaro Lake and just sat down on the dock. I could hear the sound of a jet ski in the distance, but other than that, it was quiet. The only sounds were of nature, birds chirping, bugs flying, water splashing up against some rocks. It was nice, I sat there for a good 30 minutes, just letting the sun hit my face, silently telling God that I was putting my life in His hands no matter how much the growth hurt.

I hate times of growth. Usually when God forces me to grow, it hurts beyond comprehension and lately God's been pushing the boundaries of growth more than I want. It's been brewing for awhile, but I chose to ignore it. It finally boiled over last week and I had a breakdown. Growth is necessary for all of us and it will happen whether we want it to happen or not. That's why I needed to get away, I needed to not be distracted and listen to what God was telling me.

I started thinking about the lyrics from a Chinese Christian song I heard about a month ago.

Quietly I will hear His voice,

I will turn my ear to my Lord's voice.

Quietly, He will speak to me,

For I know my Shepherd's still soft voice.

I'm struggling with decisions that have recently been made, struggling with losing relationships, struggling with not knowing if I will be strong, struggling with needing to grow more than I want. It's all an act of growth, one that I'm fighting with everything I have in my being. I always say the moving to Oregon is going to make me or break me, but my dear friends, it's the recent growth I'm experiencing that will determine whether I fall or stand.

***This is where I sat yesterday for 30 minutes.***

It's good to be back

2009-03-22T00:59:00.000-04:00

I have talked numerous times about my heart for the homeless. I just love serving them. Last year, probably around September, I took a hiatus from our ACTS ministry. With everything that was going on with this crazy head of mine, I started getting selfish with my time. Not wanting to give up a good portion of my Saturdays. Sometimes instead of going to ACTS, I would just lay in bed and stare at the wall. Knowing I needed to go, but not having the energy to force myself out of bed. Months went by, 6 months to be exact, where I did not serve.

I kept telling the ladies who run the ministry I would be back, they never gave up on me. Instead they included me in the emails, keeping me informed of meetings, etc. I told one of the ladies I would come back eventually and I was going through some stuff. She simply said, "Come back when you're ready." Two weeks ago, I thought I was ready, but I was wrong, I spent another Saturday being selfish of my time.

Today, I got out of bed bright and early, 5:30 to be exact. I enjoyed a much needed cup of coffee in silence. Today was the day, the day I was ready to go and serve these people that have a part of this heart of mine. Ready to stop being "woe is me" and share the love God has given me. I helped in the showers, it's my spot and I love working in there. We hand them toiletries, socks, underwear. You really get to connect to the women there. Once they receive everything, then they can go shower themselves.

All but one lady, Chrissy. Now, I thoroughly enjoy Chrissy and I have blogged about her before, go here. She is my favorite ACTS guest that comes. She constantly has me laughing. Today, God had something very unique in mind for me with her. Chrissy is the one lady who needs help in the showering department. She can't walk well, but can shower herself. However, she needs help undressing and dressing. Chrissy was out front and I was in the back. Voices behind me echo, "I can't do it, I have a bad back" said one. Another said, "I won't do it." For a short second I put myself in Chrissy's shoes and suddenly blurted out, "I've got it taken care of. Today, is my day to help her."

And that is what I did. I helped her in the bathroom, helped her get undressed, help her into the shower, helped her dress (adult diapers and all), combed her hair, volunteered to cut her toe nails, and put her socks and shoes on. Now, in case you live under a rock, I'm a huge germaphobe. I did all of this, including cutting her toe nails without any gloves on. I know the risk I put myself at, the stuff I might of come in contact with. I understand it better than anyone, but nothing bothered me today about helping her. The thought never occurred to me to put gloves on because in reality, if I was in her position, I still wanted to be treated like a human and not like a dirty villain. This was really nothing I hadn't done before. I grew up in an assisted living home. Do you know how many people I actually had to bathe living there? A lot. I felt so blessed to be able to help her. It gave us a chance to talk, I got to see an insight to her life today. She said I was happy and wanted to know what I was smoking. I laughed at that but crouched down to her level (she's in a wheelchair) and simply told her, "I am the way I am because of Jesus." She agreed that was the best stuff to smoke ever. Her and her boyfriend have been coming to church. It made me happy to know a seed has been planted.

I vowed to her that I will be here every weekend we have the outreach going on and would help her in the shower. In my head, I refused to let people talk about showering her, seeing her naked, blah, blah, blah and figured if I could do it once, I could do it again. If I don't help her, who knows how long it will be before she showers again? That's showing God's love no matter what the situation. After it was all said on done, I took her outside, copped a squat on the cement and put her feet up to my knees and clipped away at the toe nails and was the happiest I had been in awhile.

In awhile...

Me and my OCD

2009-03-15T21:56:00.000-04:00

Most of you know, that I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. It used to where it was just something that I thought I had, but it has been confirmed from a counselor that I do have OCD. Lately, I'm acutely aware of the fact that in some areas of the OCD, I'm getting worse. And I joke about my "habits" a lot, it's a means of somehow coping with it.

The biggest problem I struggle with is the compulsive hand-washing. There are some days where I'm pretty good and I can control it. But other days, it's really bad and I can't seem to get my poor hands clean enough. I will scrub them till they are sore. If they feel dirty or greasy in any type of way, I began to freak out. Sanitizer will not do the job, I need a full blown hand washing to calm me down. Right now, I'm housesitting for a family who has soft water. Now, that's a great thing for my skin, however my hand-washing/showering time is always doubled because I don't have that clean feeling. I literally have to tell myself to stop washing or I will be there all night. It's difficult to turn the water off here when my hands feel slimy. Lately, just in general, my hands don't seem to be clean at all. I try to avoid washing them because they probably aren't dirty. But in my head, they are filthy and the gross thoughts won't go away until I do a thorough hand-washing. I really can't stand the feeling of lotion, so most of the time I put it on and then have to wash it off a few minutes later. When I refer to my hands, I usually say "My poor hands" because I've washed them so much, they are raw. Sometimes my hands are so dry, they crack and bleed.

There are other "habits" I have. One day, although I'm not sure when, I began to sort out candies like Skittles and M&M's. I have to sort them by color and then eat them. I am not sure why I felt the need to sort the colors, but it gave me a sense of content that they were sorted. Now granted, I don't eat that stuff often, but if I do, I will still sort them out. When I was in high school and before the age of computers, if I had a paper to write, it would take me forever just to write out the paper because my handwriting had to be so perfect. It didn't matter if I was on the last word of the bottom of the second page, if I messed up on a word, there was no way I could cross it out. I would have to write the entire paper all over again. Thank goodness for computers now!

My clothes are sorted in my closet by pants, short sleeve shirts, long sleeve shirts, jackets. Those categories are then broken down and sorted by color from lightest to darkest. I suppose you can just say that I'm organized. I very much enjoy living an organized life. Clipping coupons is another time consuming thing I do. It takes me a good hour to clip coupons, each coupon has to be cut out perfectly. If I mess up cutting a coupon, I will throw it away.

When I am at places where my cell phone should be silent, I will put it on silent the second I get out of the car, however I have this constant feeling that I didn't do it. So, I will check the phone like a crazy person numerous times to make sure it's on silent. I do the same thing with checking for my keys before I lock the door. I will worry like crazy about the littlest things to the point where I make myself sick about something. I know I'm not supposed to worry, God takes care of everything, but I will still worry. I just can't help it.

Oh OCD, how I despise thee...

Yet I feel so content when my hands are clean, the candy is sorted, and the coupons are perfectly clipped!

When you need me...

2009-03-10T07:37:00.000-04:00

...I will be there. I value my friends very much, but the close ones are the ones I value the most. These are the people I would do anything for, no matter what they need. If a friend said they needed me, I would drop what I'm doing to be there for them. Because in reality, if I said that to one of them, they would do the same thing. And that is what friends are about, loving each other despite of our faults, be there for each other when we are reaching out for help. Yesterday, I had a friend who was text messaging me. She was at her wit's end. I talk to her every day, and we try to see each other often, but sometimes our schedules get busy and we don't see each other. But when she texts me and you can read the need for a friend in her text message, I knew she needed some girlfriend time. I made a split decision to cancel the plans I had with another dear friend to be there for this friend who was on the verge of a breakdown. I picked her up at her house and promised a night of calories. We went to Coldstone. We both had horribly good creations (Cake Batter FTW!) that our hips most certainly did not need, waffle bowls included. But we sat there eating our pieces of heaven and just talked. I love moments like those where you are with a best friend and you can be so vulnerable with someone and not have to worry about anything. I said something totally ditzy (which is totally me by the way), which made us both laugh hysterically. And even though, I said something off the wall, we both needed the laugh. Laughter, great friends, Coldstone, and deep conversations. It really does not get any better than that. *Green girly sheep*

I've started applying for jobs in Portland. Sadly with the economy, I have only applied for one. They really don't have a lot of jobs available. I will just have to faithfully keep checking the websites on a weekly basis. I applied for the Medicaid program in Oregon. I figured I might as well try there since I'm qualified for the position. They aren't really hiring right now, though. It's just an open continuous position that is posted, which means they are collecting applications until they have a vacancy. This week, I'm applying for the Housing Authority. I have to fax the application and resume on Thursday. I've bookmarked numerous sites, spent a good three hours on the web looking at jobs, only came up with the Housing Authority job. I'm trying to stay with the government. I am willing to change agencies in the government, even go from state to county, etc. But the jobs just aren't there. There are a lot of positions for nurses, but of course that's not me. I shall continue my search.

Hey, the economy is tight right now and I've become an absolute frugal gal all of a sudden. Here are some sites I found that list deals and some freebie stuff. I have been meaning to put this stuff into a blog forever, just haven't had the time.

1. I have found that if you go to a website of a brand you like (clothes, food, restaurants, grocery stores, etc) and sign up for their newsletter, they will sometimes send you coupons on the things you love. :) If you don't want your email box cluttered with all the mail, then simply open up another email account for the newsletters.

2. I had so much free food coupons for my birthday, I didn't know what to do with myself. The great thing about this, is companies will usually send your birthday coupon about a week before your big day and they usually expire a week after your birthday. Go to Google and type in "free stuff birthday".

3. Frugal Coupon Mom is a site I just discovered yesterday on Dr. Phil. She lists different coupons for sites, secret sales, etc. She has a Feedburner and you can easily subscribe and have the deals delivered right to your email.

4. Hey It's Free! is another site. Seriously, free stuff is the best way to go. They also have a place to sign up for newsletter.

4. The Bargainist is a discounted site that list various companies with deals. Newletter link provided as well!

5. Cheap Stingy Bargains is another great site. I get all these emails sent to me and I thoroughly enjoy reading them and taking advantage of deals when I can. You can sign up there as well. I'm more for the newsletters, if I have to actually come to the site, I will forget.

6. Freecyle is a good site to obtain free stuff. You can find stuff or post stuff to give away. Everything is free, you can not sell stuff here. However, sometimes you find something someone is giving away that is in pretty decent condition. I haven't gotten anything off of here, but I have tried. I'm not usually quick enough to respond.

7. If you receive the Sunday paper, then be sure to look in the A&E section. Every once in awhile they will advertise movie tickets free or other events. Like, I got free tickets to the Desert Botantical Gardens once. Just by looking in the section and seeing the ad.

8. If you don't mind getting some text messages, some restaurants are now sending you free things via text messages. You can find the information usually on the receipt or on the counter.

Okay, I must depart you now.

Ciao!

Bran

Quote of the day: "Make all you can, save all you can, give all you can." ~Wesley

P.S. Thank you for all of your comments on my last post. Seriously, I'm ever grateful to you that I opened up my soul, just a small smidge, and you all made me feel loved. :D

A private letter

2009-03-02T19:09:00.000-05:00

It's a well know fact that is my public blog. Everyone and their grandmother seems to read this blog. And although I don't get a lot of comments, it does seem that I have a following of sorts. People always tell me they read this blog. I always find it funny because I think my life is so boring sometimes. Sometimes people will email me and thank me for showing my vulnerability on this blog. I find that funny too that people think my struggles with my faith or tithing or whatever is showing my vulnerable side. I suppose in some ways it is. I'm open about my struggles...but not all of them. Lately, I've really been struggling with being transparent on here more than I normally would. But always stopped because I'm ashamed. I'm scared. I'm desperately afraid that you'll judge me or feel sorry for me. And so my thoughts go to my private blog for only a chosen few to read them.

Last night in church, the message was on the "Sin of Arrogance". Sin of being prideful and not letting people see the real you for fear of being judged. *Takes a deep breath* Jeremy said that once you can let people see the real you, you can be free. I can be the person God wants me to me. *Takes another deep breath*

Listed below is an entry I wrote back in December on my private blog. It's a letter to an author of a book that moved me. The book is called, "Comes the Darkness, Comes the Light" by Vanessa Vega. The letter is dark, it's scary, it's nothing that you know of the Brandy who you see everyday. It's who I am, what is really deep down inside going on. Again I am not writing this for you to feel sorry for me. I'm writing this on here publicly in hopes of being free or being close to being free from the darkness that overwhelms me.

*Takes a deep breath*

Mrs. Vega,
Last week I was at the library. I went up to the section of “Self-help” to look for a book on Tourette’s Syndrome. As I made my way to the section where the book was located, there were some books displayed on the end cap, one of them was your book, which caught my eye. It wasn’t the title that caught my eye, but the subtitle, “A Memoir of cutting, healing, and hope”. I was immediately drawn to your book, and become very intrigued as I read the back of your book. It talked about darkness, the same kind of darkness I desperately struggle with.

I came home and immediately started reading your book. About fifty pages into the book, I really felt that you were inside my head. Your thoughts were so much like mine, that it was scary, emotional. I struggle with people telling me I’m a failure and a disappointment, or whether they tell me that, I feel like it a lot. And although I have never cut myself or attempted suicide, I honestly think about killing myself every day. The reason for me never attempting suicide is for the pure fact that I’m afraid I would be one of those people who fail and be a vegetable the rest of my life. And that is probably something I couldn’t handle.

In your book, I could see why you were cutting. You said something about the pain you experience on your arm was easier to deal with than the pain of what you were experiencing in your head. I’ve been struggling with depression for quite awhile. Maybe all the way back to May. I have never sought help because I have trust issues. The thought of me talking to a complete stranger about my problems is enough to make my stomach turn. All my close friends try to advise me to get help, but I really don’t think that they know I struggle with wanting to kill myself.

Sometimes I wonder what amount of pills would do me in, sometimes I think about smashing my car into a wall, sometimes I think about finding what artery is a main one and slashing it to bleed to death. Like I said, I never attempted any of this, but the thoughts are constantly there. The first day of having your book, I was 100 pages into it. That first day was the day that I decided that I needed to get help. I was tired of crying and living in a world of darkness, tired of wanting to kill myself, thinking that would make everything okay. I’m a very strong believer in God, and I kept thinking God would pull me through this and I didn’t need help. But even my faith wasn’t strong enough to get me through this, I struggle with feeling like I’m a disappointment to God as well. But your book helped me realize that I needed to get help. I didn’t want to go from having those thoughts to acting on them.

I finished your book last night and felt compelled to email you. I hope this gets to you. Maybe you get thousands of emails like this a day and this will fall through the cracks, but it doesn’t matter. I wanted to thank you for putting yourself out there, showing your deepest struggles for the world to see. It must of been so difficult for you, but I can sit here and say that your words, your thoughts, your struggles, your tears…has helped me more than I can ever possibly write.

*Opens eyes* Is it over yet? To my surprise the author did respond back to me, but due to length I've chosen to omit that part. Yes, that's me. That's my struggles, depressed and suicidal. I am in counseling every two weeks for this. I finally got help the first of the year because I didn't want to cross over from thinking about suicide to actually trying to commit suicide. But the depression is still there and the suicidal thoughts ravish my brain more than I care to admit. But the counselor is helping me. Slowly I am getting better, but I still have my days. Through it all, Kathy, Kristine, Julie, Heather, Martha, and Jason have been there. They've held me up, when I couldn't do it myself. They are always a phone call away whenever my minds starts to race about bad things. Constantly reminding me that God is with me as well.

Quietly

2009-02-24T10:29:00.000-05:00

Last night, while I was in the Pathways class, we sung this song called "Quietly". I opted not to sing due to not feeling well. My voice was raspy and scratchy. Instead, I listened to the people around me, their voices ever so softly singing praises to God. The man leading worship stated that the song was actually a Chinese Christian song. Him and the other Chinese people in the room then sang the song for us in Chinese. Now, if you know me, you know that I love worship music in other languages. Just this Sunday at church, we sung, "Inside Out" from Hillsongs. Amongst all of the people singing in English was my small voice worshipping God in Spanish. I honestly can't sing the song any other way, the English version of the song seems so foreign to me. So, when these people blessed us in my class by singing in Chinese, I was in awe. That version was way prettier than the English version. I looked for the lyrics in English and the video on You Tube, but came up with nothing. I shall ask the guy at class about it and will post the song when I can.

This past weekend, I took a short trip to California to visit my niece and great niece. Rosie wasn't home when I got there, but called and said she was on her way. She gets out of the car and gives me a huge hug and proceeds to say with her hands on her belly, "Guess what?" I guessed immediately that she was expecting again. She got a huge smile on her face and told me she's been dreaming it was twin boys. Oy vei. Now there are twins on her dad's side of the family and her generation would be the one to have twins. She's only about 6 weeks along and it's too soon to determine if there are two babies or one. Either way, I'm going to be a great aunt again. :)

Paige is absolutely adorable. She's talking up a storm, laughs at everything, and loves books more than anything. It took her a few minutes to warm up to me, but once she realized I wasn't a stranger, she became my best friend. I spent a good portion of my small vacation in her toy room playing with her. I didn't take that many pictures, because we really didn't do anything.

Look, there's a book in her hand. :)

She refuses to sit in a stroller or cart. When you're at a store, she must walk behind the cart and help push it.

See? That is what she does. Look how fast her little legs are going.

Yep, she's a momma's girl to the max.

Gotta go!

Adios,

Bran

Quote of the day: "You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance." ~Franklin P. Jones

Wonder of a Child

2009-02-18T22:35:00.001-05:00

I am never ceased to be amazed at the wonder of a child. Working with preschoolers every weekend, I am constantly reminded of this fact. Their fascination with the slightest things always make me smile. Their brains are so innocent, so uncorrupted. I have seen little kids come up to me and give me a hug for no reason. I've seen them intricately stare at an uncolored picture, watching the picture come alive in their face. You can see their brain working, pulling the picture together. Kids who played with a plastic ring, pretending it wasn't a ring at all, but something more. Oh I have seen it all and for that reason I absolutely just love kids and my heart melts every time their eyes light up with the musings of something new they discovered. Have you ever seen a little kid who was on fire for Jesus? They hold nothing back when it comes to sharing their faith, sharing about their friend.

Oh to be so innocent. Ah, if life were only that easy. These pictures prompted me to write this short blog.

Gosh, she's only 1 1/2 and you can see the amazement in her face, in her little fingers. I LOVE the last one, how her face is reflected on the glass as she is looking up at a fish. For those of you who don't know, this is my great niece, Paige. Yes, I'm a great aunt! She's got this heart of mine completely.

Oh and one minor detail...

I'm heading out to Cali to see her tomorrow. I am in need of a Paige fix, she's walking now and we are going to have so much fun!

Ciao,

Bran

In case you didn't get the memo...

2009-02-15T20:46:00.001-05:00

Meaning you don't have me on Myspace or Facebook. I have been thinking about getting a tattoo for many years now. Last night, I finally got brave enough to go through the process. As we arrived at Club Tattoo last night, I told my friend I was going to vomit. Nerves majorly kicked in the second I pulled in the parking lot. I definitely thought I was going to chicken out. But, Kristine was there to hold my hand through the entire process. Here it is:

"I am His", meaning I belong to God with the scripture of Malachi 3:17-18. "They will be mine," says the Lord Almighty, "in the day when I make up my treasured possession. I will spare them, just as in compassion a man spares his son who serves him. And you will again see the distinction between the righteous and the wicked, between those who serve God and those who do not." As of right now, it's still a little tender, but definitely not red anymore.

Anyways, I've got some people looking at my resume trying to help me finesse it. I would like to start applying for jobs soon in OR. Arizona's economy, especially the state's economy, is getting horrible. Every day we get new emails about how AHCCCS is trying to cut the budget. I have to give them credit, they cutting spending any way they can in order to save jobs. Other state agencies have already started laying people off. But our director knew the budget downfall was coming over a year ago. He started taking measures to cut costs back then. I think that helped us a lot, but my agency still have $1.7 million dollars to cut. They did say that if they start laying off, it would go by seniority. *Wipes sweat off brow* I don't have to worry for awhile, because in my position I'm a PSE IV (abbreviated) and they would lay off people who are PSE's I first and work their way up.

I shall keep you updated.

32 years young...

2009-02-11T16:30:00.001-05:00

Earlier today while I was at the doctor's office, I got the best compliment. It seriously made the rest of my day. The receptionist glanced at my date of birth and wished me a "Happy Birthday". I was oddly shocked she was saying Happy Birthday to me and I thanked her and told her I turned 32 today. Her mouth fell and said, "You certainly do not look like you would be in your 30's, I was guessing you were about 26.". A big grin spread across my face. Oh, that felt so good. People can tell me that my curly hair is gorgeous or my green and brown eyes are beautiful all day long and it wouldn't hold the same meaning as being told I look younger than I really am. I joked to her that my beauty secret was good ol' Baby Lotion. She was like, "You're kidding, right?" Nope, I don't kid about my Baby Lotion.

That's right folks, my deep, dark beauty secret is that I use Baby Lotion on my face. I don't spend a lot of money on expensive creams for two reasons: 1.) My skin is really sensitive and usually breaks out at the slightest thing. and 2.) I hate lotion with a passion and the only thing I can somewhat stand is Baby Lotion. Instead of spending a butt load of money on a little bitty jar of cream, I really splurge and get the Costco size of lotion for a whole $7. I guess years of putting it on my face, has made my skin look younger. *Shrugs shoulders*

My day has been good, it started at midnight when Jason texted and called to wish me Happy Birthday. The people I expected to remember my day did, including my dad. I had my biweekly appointment at the doctor's office. He even remembered my day and presented me a small cupcake to celebrate. I had my free lunch at Joe's Barbecue and felt the love from quite a few people. I even got a phone call from Brandon Roy of the Portland Trailblazers singing Happy Birthday to me. Yes, I bet you wish you had an "in" to have a professional basketball player call you as well, but you don't. So, nanner, nanner. :) It's really all you who know, I have the ultimate hook up.

It's just past two and I have a coupon in my purse for free Coldstone, I shall be heading there soon, because the celebration is not over. It's been a great birthday and I am always amazed by my fantastic, awesome friends that I have, especially the close ones (you know who you are). You have shown me God's love so much.

Hey, guess what? If all goes well to plan, this time next year, I'll be celebrating the 33rd birthday in Portland. That will make me happy.

I have other things to write on, but shall save them for later. Cake Batter Ice Cream is calling my name! And I think I am going to go buy Beyonce's new CD.

Ciao!

Bran

Quote of the day: "Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest." ~Larry Lorenzoni

Have a Little Faith in Me

2009-02-04T07:03:00.000-05:00

As long as I have been a Christian, I have always struggled with trusting God. I will trust Him with some areas of my life, but could never give up 100% surrender to things in my life, especially my finances. I'm just going to lay it on the line here, I've never been good with finances. My grandmother taught me many things, but she never taught me how to manage my money. I've made many mistakes that to this day still haunt me. I've always been that girl who couldn't do things because I didn't have the money. I have lived paycheck to paycheck since I started working. I've over drafted my account, borrowed money from people, etc. Yes, I'm that girl who is not good with money at all. Everyone of you knows someone like me. Someone who is constantly making financial mistakes, that you're shaking your head at.

Every year on my resolution list, I vow to get financially stable. And although I have gotten so much better, I still have a long way to go. Last year, my finances were so out of control, that I went the entire year and did not give one penny towards tithing. *Gasp* I know, horrible, right? This year on my resolution list was the following items: 1. Open a savings account and actually save money. 2. Tithe from every paycheck. I decided in 2009, I needed to have more faith in God now more than ever and my first paycheck from January, I sat down and wrote a check to my church. I have been faithfully doing that every two weeks since. I know it's only the beginning of February and the hardest of economic times. I'm pinching pennies like crazy, searching the internet for any type of coupons I can for discounts on various things. But, the funny thing is, the economy is bad, but yet it might appear I'm finally getting my act together. Since I've been tithing, God started blessing me and as of right now, I managed to open a savings account and it has way more than the minimum $25. There has been money in my checking account since the beginning of the year, and has not come even close to over drafting (a problem I was encountering).

Last night as I was balancing my checkbook, this song came to mind. "Have a Little Faith in Me" by Joe Cocker. Granted, this song is about a woman trusting a man, but looking at the lyrics, it could definitely apply to my faith in God.

When the road gets dark and you can no longer see
Just let my love throw a spark and have a little faith in me.

And when the tears you cry are all you can believe
Just give these loving arms a try and have a little faith in me.

When your secret heart cannot speak so easily
Come here darlin from a whisper start to have a little faith in me.

And when your backs against the wall just turn around and you will see
I will catch, I will catch your fall baby just have a little faith in me.

Well, I've been loving you for such a long time girl
Expecting nothing in return, just for you to have a little faith in me.

And all you gotta do is have a little faith in me.

The birthday is coming soon. I will be 32. *Gasp* I vowed a long time ago, that I would never be someone who fibbed about my age. So, there you have it folks, at 10:22 a.m. on the day of my birth, I will turn 32. I don't feel like I'm in my 30's, not in the least. As I have gotten older, birthday gifts have become unimportant to me. I really just want you to acknowledge that it's my birthday. However, my birthday is hidden on Myspace and Facebook. I don't feel one should use social websites to remember one's birthday. And if you truly wanted to remember it, you would and you wouldn't need Facebook to pop up and say it's my birthday. Meh, I know it's a double standard, I want you to acknowledge the day, but you have to figure it out when exactly that day happens.

I had a God moment a few days ago in regards to moving. I've really been questioning whether I was making the right decision to move. So many people have given me their opinion and most of them have been bad. Lately, I have been hearing all their words echoing in my mind. But, God reassured me Friday afternoon as I was at the airport waiting for Heather. He reassured me that I'm not making a stupid mistake by moving, that He has big plans for me, if I just have a little faith in Him. That word, faith, has been bounced around in my mind a lot lately.

Quote of the day: "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." (Part of my God moment) ~Anais Nin

Scripture of the day: "Lust for money brings trouble and nothing but trouble. Going down that path, some lose their footing in the faith completely and live to regret it bitterly ever after." 1 Timothy 6:10